Wow JJ. I've really had to think about your question. I've gone back in time and tried to remember. I'll answer this as well as I can but I might have more thoughts on it later.

The first time he beat me, I was scared more than anything. That, and trying to think clearly so I could escape without him starting in again. I felt like I was in shock as I drove over to my girlfriend's apartment. That was one of my life's worst moments. I was suddenly thrown into a world I didn't recognize and I didn't know how to survive within it. I felt like a freak. No doubt, the shame had already kicked in.

I felt disbelief that night at my girlfriends. I was looking for reasons. I just didn't understand why he beat me. I didn't sleep very well, thinking over and over in my mind what in the world I had done to cause it. I felt embarrassed and humiliated too.

By the next morning, my mind had shifted. I didn't know what I was going to do, didn't have a clue in the world but I drug myself to work like I did every single day. That's when he walked into my store.

I feel that the shock left after the first day. You have to realize that my dad had always treated me badly so to be called horrible names and to be hit, was nothing new to me. I just went into the frame of mind that it was my fault, I caused it and I would change. So, it wasn't shock but a very severe case of survival and denial.

I was always afraid of him after that and for good reason.