Hi, Dotsie, first let me say it was a long, long process journeying through recovery. It’s not as if changing old habits happened quickly or smoothly for me. I had many set backs. Many relapses. However, the following is what most helped me:

In order to change habits and behaviors, I mainly had to be totally committed in my recovery from the sexual addiction (and eating disorder). Therefore, my recovery was modeled on the 12-Step program, what is most commonly used in Alcoholics Anonymous. (I wasn’t an alcoholic, I’m only referring to a kind of model used in addiction recovery, in general.) In other words, all my therapy--the group therapy, as well as the 28 days I spent in a rehab unit-- were all based on this idea that there’s “power in the group.” I was not emotionally healthy enough to stay “sober” or keep myself safe on my own. In fact, my therapist always let me know that he, on his own, couldn’t “keep” me safe, either. He knew that I needed, in fact, a group to help me. In addition, part of the recovery consisted of finding a “force” (Higher Power, whatever you want to call it) more powerful than the addiction.

In other words, as a sex addict, when I was acting out, nothing could stop me. An addict wants what she wants when she wants it. And, as with all addicts, I had a lot of pain to numb, so I acted out with some regularity. (I used sex like a drug to numb my feelings, the pain of what had happened to me as a child.) Therefore, I needed a group, the power of a group, to help me stay safe.

This idea of “power in the group” works on a couple of levels. First, once I formed friendships with the other women in my group, then I more easily came to understand that if one of my friends were to act out sexually with a “dangerous” man, this would not be healthy for her! So, the more I could see how this would hurt my friends, then the obvious conclusion was that it would hurt me, too! “What’s unhealthy or hurtful for my friends, is also hurtful for me!” Too, in the 12-step type of groups, you get lots of phone numbers, friends to call before you act out. Friends who will help you stay sober. Oh, to be honest, once I’d made about 8 or 9 phone calls (or whatever it would take), who had the energy to go act out! You know, letting that secret go (that I wanted to act out), helped diffuse things quite well!

In short, the recovery that most helped me was being part of a group, being emotionally honest, and letting go of secrets. These were the keys.

If you’d like to know more about my addiction and recovery, you might also like to read a couple of things that are on the web:

I have the first chapter of my memoir, “Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey Through Sexual Addiction,” on my website, www.suewilliamsilverman.com. (Click on the book title on the column on the right-hand side of the Home page.)

You can also reach an article I wrote, “Me and My Addict,” by going to my website, then scrolling down to the section called “Quick Links.” It’s in this right-hand column at the bottom.