The Faith Connection Continued:The Cruelty of Kind Intentions

Excepts from Chapter 5

“After my illness was officially declared to be depression, I spiralled down even further. Shame, guilt, confusion, bewilderment and disillusionment all tormented me into hiding. I couldn’t understand why God was letting this happen to me. I attended every healing mass I could drag myself to, pleading with God to come and guide me out of the darkness. My faith in Him and my certainty of His mercy and grace were unshakeable, and I was sure it was only a matter of weeks before He’d show His face to me again…yet I felt abandoned and bereft without the intimate Presence that had been such a faithful companion throughout my adult life thus far.

I continued going to the weekly prayer meetings, daring to trust that this was just a test of my faith, and I was adamant that I would not fail it, or the God who obviously must be trying to teach me something through all of this. But no healing came.

The first time I stayed after the prayer meeting to be prayed over by the prayer team, they asked me what I wanted from God. I said the first thing that came to my mind. "I just want to feel loved. I’ve never felt loved before. I know in my head that God loves me and that others love me, but I’ve never really felt loved. I want to know what it feels like to be loved.”

The people around me meant well, but their responses showed they didn’t understand. They all insisted that of course, I was loved. The caring words flowed around me…everyone who knew me loved me…highly regarded and well loved…don’t even think twice about it. Those words I could handle; indeed, while they weren’t exactly what I so desperately needed, they lifted my sagging spirit somewhat.

But then someone in the group added, "Well, if you’re feeling so depressed and unloved, it’s because you’re not praying enough.”

And of course, out of all the words that were spoken to me that night, those were the ones that took root in my brain and festered there, rippling more guilt and shame into my already overwhelming self-loathing.”

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One of the difficult things I have had to deal with during any depressive bout is the inevitable “crisis of faith”…why does God let me suffer like this…God has abandoned me…God is punishing me for not being good enough, for not praying enough, for thinking bad thoughts…God has given up on me, like everyone else in my life…I’m too far gone, damaged goods, beyond redemption.

It wasn’t until I was able to lump all of this negative God-talk in with the mangled thinking that I was able to steel myself against future onslaughts of this specific set of lies. Now I Know, to the core of my being, that none of those negative statements are even remotely true, and never will be true. And if anyone dares to say such things to me, I immediately reject those toxic statements and choose Compassion instead, standing firm on my core Truths…I am loved UNCONDITIONALLY, God has NOT abandoned me and never will abandon me, this is a bona fide illness requiring medical treatment and compassionate healing, not a punishment from God, and there is NO such thing as ever being beyond redemption. No exceptions.

When we truly believe that depression is a bona fide illness, we can dare to see these toxic thoughts and crisis of faith as yet one more symptom we have to learn how to prepare for in the good days so we can manage it during our darkest days…Truth, Knowledge and Compassion will get us through this one too!

What about you? Has anyone else experienced the “cruelty of kind intentions” during your times of depression? We know it’s not intentional; people who have never been clinically depressed often just cannot understand the quicksand that we are stuck in, or how crippling and debilitating the darkness is. They mean well, but sometimes those well-intentioned words do inadvertently push our noses back into the muck rather than help light our way out.

What do you think?