Epiphany of Possibility: an excerpt from Chapter 7

(waking up after my suicidal overdose)

It was 4 a.m., dark, and I was alone in ICU. As I lay there in those early morning hours, with bits of charcoal stuck in my teeth, and tubes pumping lifesaving fluids into my body, an amazing wondrous thing began to happen. Love. Washing over me, bathing me, baptizing me in tangible warmth I had never felt before. I felt it, flowing right through my blood, touching every cell, every thought, every scrap of life beating within me. For the very first time in my life, I actually knew without any doubt whatsoever that I was loved.

I had never felt that warmth of certainty before. People started walking through my mind, one by one, looking right at me, smiling at me…Mom, Dad, my brothers Dave, Rob and Gary, Kate, Father Louis, Father Basil…an endless procession of people…and for the first time ever, I knew to the core of my being that they loved me, and always had.

Why had I never seen it before? Why had I never been able to believe it before? It was so clear to me now. It was an incredible, life-altering epiphany of love and possibility.

There was no looking back. The effects of that early-morning epiphany were astounding, lifting me far beyond even my own hopes and expectations of recovery. I was so genuinely glad to be alive and couldn’t wait to get started on the rest of my life.

The residue effect of my "epiphany of love" was that since I now knew with such clarity that much of what I had believed in most of my life was a lie, I had to wonder how many more lies lay simmering deep down inside of me, crippling me, and controlling my life from unknown hiding places. It wasn’t an easy, immediate escape, coming back from that hellhole. I had spent a lifetime caught in the firm grip of those dark lies.

I had to begin to rewrite my entire repertoire of inner dialogues. It was hard work and at times, very arduous. It took constant vigilance and lots of perseverance. I had to be diligent in my willingness to be brutally honest with myself. I had to take every belief and every perception I had of myself and hold it up to the light of truth. If they were true, they withstood the light. If they were lies, they simply couldn’t stand up to the exposure, and we were able then to rewire that part of the attic.

I couldn’t do it alone. A network of faithful and supportive people stood by me all the way…Dr Reynolds, Kate, Dr. C, Father Louis, Father Basil, and my family, especially my brother Gary who called me just about every day for many months. They encouraged me, mentored me and nourished me with their steadfast faith in me.

Indeed, they loved me back to life.