quote:
Originally posted by smilinize:
Here's a couple of questions...that should keep you busy typing for a while.
Thanks Smile, and my answers will keep everyone reading for awhile!!

What do you think brought on your initial depression?
It took me a long time to figure that out, and even now I'm only guessing. My very first conscious memory of depression was at the age of 13 (1968). Things were very rough at home, no physical abuse ever, but my Mom and I just didn't get along and there was lots of fighting, angry hurtful words that, in hindsight, definitely wounded me. I distinctly remember lying at the top of the big staircase in our house one night, trying to figure out how best to throw myself down and kill myself. In the end, I couldn't do it because I was afraid I'd only hurt myself and then my Mom would hate me even more for being such a nuisance.

We didn't know to call that "depression" at the time, but looking back, it was the beginning of a lifelong struggle with sadness and sense of failure. My major breakdown began in 1982 and came after a combination of stressful situations: I was still apparently affected by a serious mononucleosis/meningitis illness from 1979, so my immune system was fairly depleted; I had just been dumped by one of the first really serious boyfriends (he became and still is a priest), and I had been burning both ends of the candle with work and church activities for three years. I burned out, broke down and spiralled into profound depression.

Was the onset sudden or over time?
The 1982 breakdown was gradual. I had been feeling fatigued ever since the meningitis, but kept ignoring it. In June of 1982 I took four weeks off and went to Pecos, New Mexico for a spiritual retreat, and came back feeling rested and rejuvenated. But by September, I was immobilized by the fatigue and had to quit my job. After all the medical tests came back showing that nothing was physically wrong, I sank into that profound depression.


Were you clinically depressed (meaning you were depressed regardless of the situation) or were you situationally depressed, (meaning you were depressed as a result of a bad situation)
I'll continue to speak from the 1982 breakdown experience. The psychiatrists determined that my depression began as situational (loss of boyfriend) but became clinical. I would say that my last bout of depression in 2002 was situational, after the death of Mom so soon after the death of my Dad.

How did you know you were depressed as opposed to blue?
For the 1982 breakdown, I didn't have a clue what was wrong. My debilitation and inability to function took me completely by surprise. It actually took me almost two years before I would admit that I was depressed beyond my capability to get myself out, which is when I finally had myself hospitalized.

How long did it last?
The dysthemia (low-grade chronic depression) has been a constant lifelong companion since my teen years. I'm not sure I've ever been completely free of it. The 1982 bout lasted in that severity until November/December 1984. But I continued therapy for about three years after that, and didn't really feel secure and "home-free" until about 1988. This last 2002 bout's severity only lasted a few months, although again I continued therapy long after the crisis was over, and the grief persists in much less severity today.

How did you know you were recovering?
Hmmmm. Good question. I began to notice the sunshine again? I began to want to get involved in outside activities again. I began to BELIEVE that I was recovering. I started to feel positive feelings again. It's as if I had been in a dark fog for many years and then the sun began to shine through and eventually the fog dissipated completely. It wasn't a sudden recovery...it took months/years of hard internal work.

Was there a specific incident that started the recovery?
For the 2002 breakdown, I was very fortunate to find a wonderful therapist, Dr Qadeer Ahmad. He was very caring and from the moment we met I knew I was going to make it out okay. For the 1982 breakdown, it was after my suicide attempt in 1984. I woke up in the ICU and had an amazing epiphany that totally changed my life from that point on.

[ September 02, 2005, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]