I promised a post on forgiveness. In the following paragraphs, I am talking about forgiveness. If you have not read the book, both my father and my older brother molested me. I was emotionally numb for years, or so emotionally charged that I was a flying bullet, about to shoot myself. At some later point in recovery, feelings of forgiveness slowly surfaced. In “The Courage to Heal” a seminal book on the topic of adults sexually abused as children, the authors claim that forgiveness is not necessary for the victim’s healing. Sexual crimes are too heinous to be universally forgivable. Why does the law put “rape and murder” together? Because rape is soul murder. The body may survive, but the mind and soul may be destroyed. So, forgiveness is personal and individual. At another point in recovery, I had forgiven my brother, but could not talk to him without being “triggered” into feeling victimized again. In the following exchange, my mother is arguing with me because I could not talk to my brother at that time (this was just a couple of years ago.) She was judging my forgiveness! I also thought that she might feel on some level that if I gave a blanket forgiveness statement to her in regards to my brother, then she too would feel forgiven for not being there to protect me. A year ago, my 98 year old grandmother was hovering between life and death, and I was her caretaker for a couple of weeks. She said, “Forgive him, [my brother] he didn’t know what he was doing.” She said, “Forgive me, I tried to protect you.” It was a poignant and meaningful chance (not chance, divine intervention that I was there with her!) to let her rest in peace with forgiveness. I told her in truth that I already had. Nothing, and she said “nothing” could make her happier than to see my brother and me together again as friends. I did not forgive for him, or her, or anyone but myself and my God. I’ve had emails from readers who question forgiveness, and wonder how I could forgive my brother and father. They say that I am minimizing the manifestations of abuse by deeming molestation a forgivable act. Not so! What’s in my heart in no way minimizes abuse. What are your thoughts about forgiveness? From the book:
****I felt forgiveness in the shape of a broken heart mended by compassion. Unseen, unspoken compassion was not enough salve for my mother’s wounds. When I told her how much compassion I had not only for my father but also for my brother, she said: “You will never be completely healed unless you fully forgive your brother for what happened.”
“Something didn’t just happen like an accidental, unforeseen fender-bender on the freeway. Eric used force. You can’t force forgiveness on me. But tell me, Mom, exactly how do you want forgiveness to look?”****