I think Lynn's list is indicative of the male's actions - he WANTS to MAKE the woman do his bidding, etc, either through coercion, intimidation, abuse or otherwise. He forces the woman, who might not have the coping skills to resist him. Many, many, many women do not have coping skills and live with learned behavior to submit to the abuse without realizing these relationships are not normal. Until a victim is able to realize their own power, and many never do, or even end up dead if they try to assert themselves. It's an oft-times misunderstood state of affairs and so many people who are not in an abusive relationship find it easy to say that the woman is in control of her own life and action, and it truly might not be the case. If a victim was in control of his or her own life, he or she would most likely NOT be in the abusive relationship and would have taken steps to remove themselves and heal.

Most times it takes a crisis of some sort to bring in someone outside the storm who can see the reality for what it really is instead of the closed circle between the abuser and the family - wife, children, parents, etc.

Also, the shame of being a victim often prohibits proactive responses and instead takes its place in the wheel of the cycle.

There are few women, or men, who are victims of abuse that have the internal power to overcome the abuser's control on their lives, thus they believe they have no way out or recourse and believe they are being forced to behave in any type behavior "made to do it."

Most victims of abuse are in a mindset of hopelessness and unable to see alternative choices that they are comfortable with. Many have such low self-esteem that they feel they deserve the abuse, and in fact, do not even call it abuse. To them, their life is the way it is and they cannot imagine anything different.

I was an advocate for sexual assult victims for a few years and many of these behaviors, both on the abuser and victim sides are seen by them as commonplace.

Too often, outrage and assertive steps to seek justice and/or safety are only initiated in a case of outside intervention by an agency or an informed acquaintance.

These women have enough problems without being seen as people looking for an excuse to deny responsibility for their own lives and actions. If they knew how to do that in the first place, they most likely wouldn't be in the situation.

I live in the highest rate of domestic violence county in the United States and interact with people who have been abused and are being abused. 9 times out of 10, the ones who relish the victim role are in fact, not victims at all, but like plahing the role in order to get attention and/or services. A true victim is one that is not in control of their life and their chances of being "rehabilitated" are very small.

Without money, support groups, effective law enforcement, shelter, etc., the victim many times must remain a victim. The abuser has control of all the funds, vehicles, locks, and may even have spies imbedded in his group of "friends" to watch for any escape attempt.

If the abuser DOES get incarcerated, his fine is less than that if he were to get caught with an oversized bass fish. No kidding. His jail sentence is either non-existent or only serves to anger him more and he often, in fact, most times, delivers more threats and intimidation from lockup.

Social services does not provide a plan for the abused woman to leave the area, which is necessary to escape the abuser. Family members are often as poor as the abused woman and cannot offer financial assistance either.

And as an added observation - if the victim can ever get the needed treatment and life changes, one is no longer a victim, but a survivor, a label that is empowering.