After I posted my last entry on the forum last night, I had a scare. It sounds melodramatic to say I almost died, but that’s what happened.

I had put my computer to sleep and gone downstairs to turn off the lights when I decided to indulge myself and have a small piece of chocolate. As soon as I put it in my mouth, I had what I presume was an allergic reaction. Almost immediately my throat closed up. I couldn’t inhale or exhale; my breath was stuck between the two. A minute or so went by. I was standing next to my kitchen counter, and I thought to myself, “If I don’t start breathing in a few more minutes, I’m going to fall down right here and die on the floor.” I didn't have much hope that I would be able to regulate my breath before I lost consciousness, and I was pretty sure that an ambulance wouldn’t get to my house quickly enough to save me. I wasn’t afraid to die; I was just shocked that Death had come for me at that instant.

I got a piece of ziti caught in my throat a few years ago, and the feeling was similar; but I knew that if I could cough it up or drink some water to slip it down, I would be okay. Plus, there were other people in the room. Last night I was all alone because my husband is in D.C. on business.

Just as I was reconciling myself to dying, I started flashing on my loved ones. An unformed, unspoken prayer. I clumsily grabbed the phone and tried to dial 911. I couldn’t see the numbers on the headset without my glasses, so I wasn’t sure I dialed correctly. I didn’t hear any ringing. Still, I kept holding it and trying to speak so that if an operator did answer, I could tell him or her where I lived. I wasn’t able to make a sound. Another minute or so went by. No breath. Then miraculously I began to sense a miniscule pathway beginning to open in my throat, at which point I put down the phone and focused all my attention on following the subsequent wisp of air as it became an inhale. A short while later, the phone rang. (I had inadvertently turned it off, probably soon after I dialed.) It was the 911 guy asking if I needed an ambulance. He was so kind, so concerned. He stayed with me on the phone five or so minutes while my breathing returned to normal.

I’m still not sure if I had an allergic reaction, or if the episode was somehow connected to this nasty cold that’s settled in my chest. My lungs are fairly fragile right now.

This might sound strange, but I’m someone who, metaphorically speaking, lives with death on her right shoulder. I discipline myself to try and be both mentally and emotionally prepared to die. I’ve been doing this since I was a child. Ironically, it helps me live more intensely, more joyfully. I’ve brushed up against death a few other times in my life besides the ziti incident. Once when I was four, I almost drowned. Then, when I was 20, I had a serious car accident. That same year my apartment in Boston was broken into when I was home.

But, as I said above, this was different. Each of those times, I felt cradled by an angelic presence. This time I felt so alone. But in reflecting on it now, I can see that I really wasn't.

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I wrote the above in a Word document in the early hours of this morning. (I couldn’t sleep.) Before going to bed, I opened my e-mail and found the following note from my dear friend Nancy. She had no idea what happened to me last night:

"I was thinking about this today: Ultimately in this life, we come alone and we leave alone. And although at times we get to walk with different travelers, in the end we take no one with us, only our true selves. When I’m not connected to God, that seems lonely and sad; and yet when I am connected, it is so amazingly beautiful, so majestic, so divine. How can it be that so much love has been poured into us, IS us, and that we are the ultimate gift given to Ourselves? And yet how magical also that on this journey of life to the ultimate destination of ourselves, others come along that prod us to question, to think about what we are doing, to try and get us to look at what motivates us, what we want, what is real and what is true? And when someone comes along on our path who sparks the fire of yearning for self knowledge, isn't that a most precious gift? In my life, you have been one of those people."

I’m in tears.