I was estranged from my two sons for a period of time...stubborness on both our parts...for 2 years we were on the opposite ends of each other...I, too went through a hard time...(Dotsie, I sent you a story I wrote about it called "One Tiny Strand of Hope." It's pretty honest and I wanted to get her approval before I put it out there.

Anyway, my life seemed hopeless in every thread of my being and like there was no purpose for me. I had pains beyond human endurance and all I can tell you is that I hit an emotional bottom that I hope I never feel again.

What I found out from that experience is that you, and you alone, have to find a purpose for living. YOu have to find a meaning for your life...we cannot rely on others sometimes to be there for us, to want us in their lives or to find us important the way we find them. You, Kate, have to find importance in yourself...you have to take baby steps...just find one thing that gives life meaning...your painting for instance. Even if you don't feel like it, just put up a canvas...even if you stare at it blankly without a clue as to what you want to pain...paint your pain if you need to...let it out. You have got to let it all out so you can start to rebuild who you are.
When I came out of my almost fatal depression (God truly was with me and lifted me up as He will if you allow him), I reached out to my sons...eventhough I felt so wronged by what they did/felt, I had to try. They could still slam the door but I had to try...They did not slame the door and today our relationship is better and stronger than ever...I'm not going to presume this will happen in your case or that you do this...I don't know the situation as to why you are estranged from your son but you have to ask yourself if he's worth trying. And are you ready to have the door slammed again, possibly forever. It's one of the hardest thing as a Mother I think a Mother could ever go through, except losing a child in death. But, in a way it does feel like death because you do not see them, or interact with them...it is as if they are dead.
Kate, my heart embraces you and what you are going through. I truly, truly hope and pray that you will work you way to the end of the very long tunnel and find the light that I know is there. There's always a light...a door...a window...we just have to look for it. For your own sake, please, do not stop looking.
I, as are all the ladies in this wonderful forum, am here for you...Dotsie, I have been blessed by what you and the other women have done (this web site). Thank you so much for bring women like myself together so we can help one another. You are one of God's angels here on earth.