Kate,
Please forgive me if I ramble. Perhaps in all this you can find something that will help you.

It sounds as if you are simply lonely. I've been there. We all have. It sneaks up on us and it is probably worse at menopause when our children begin to separate from us. It is probably worse without a mate.

When I realized I was lonely. I also recognized that I was ashamed of being lonely and the shame led me to isolate and isolating worsened the lonelinesss. Also, I realized I was afraid of being lonely. Many times I didn't go places for fear, not of being alone, but of being lonely in a crowd. Feeling lonely while being the life of the party is the most painful loneliness of all. The fear of loneliness also led me to isolate so it was a vicious cycle.

Loneliness is not restricted to the alone. It almost seems more common among the very busy, even those who are surrounded by people all day every day may only be self medicating their loneliness. And strangely loneliness seems to increase with over population. The physically closer we become to more people, the more emotionally isolated we seem to be.

At the time I of my greatest loneliness, I was a single mother, working part time as a nurse, and operating a personnel agency while also pursing a graduate degree. I had sexual partners if I wanted them and I was certainly surrounded by people, but I was myself only with my kids and the work was separating me from them. As a nurse, I was focused on the patient. As a personnel agent, I was focused on the applicant and I was always selling. In order to sell, I was always acting thus never truly open or intimate with anyone. When I realized I was lonely, I began to look at patients in the hospital for signs of loneliness and was convinced that loneliness is at the foundation of many chronic illnesses. It was so obvious and the medical community has no real cures or even treatments.

I tried to handle loneliness as I have handled other problems. I began with the research. I was amazed at how little I found in the scientific literature. In fact almost nothing. When I did a computer search, almost all the hits were for porn sites. Apparently many people, primarily men, self medicate the pain of loneliness with sex.

According to Ashley Montague, author of "Touching" about the human significance of skin to skin contact, our urge for sex is rooted in the need for touch. I believe it is even more profoundly rooted in our need for intimacy which is more difficult to quantify and study. But Mr. Montague experimented with animals to demonstrate a profound physical need for touch. Sexual intercourse is the time when we experience the greatest degree of skin to skin, eye to eye, and mouth to ear touch. Sex can temporarily relieve loneliness, but it can also increase it if not accompanied by intimacy. And intimacy seems to develop out of the need for touch so if sex occurs before intimacy, it will temporarily meet the need for touch and possibly never develop into intimacy.

Loneliness is probably more unbearable than either physical or emotional pain. People will endure all kinds of pain to avoid loneliness. The depression that results from lack of intimacy can be treated, but depression is only a symptom and when the medication is withdrawn, the loneliness returns, sometimes more intensely.

Activities can distract us from our loneliness and involvement in the lives of others can distance us from our own needs, but without intimacy, we can all be overwhelmed by the pain of loneliness and not even understand what is happening to us.

I think there is an epidemic of loneliness in our more and more crowded society. Despite being surrounded by people, I think we are all deprived of intimacy.

Some people seem to find relief in groups and by increasing social contacts, we increase the possibility of finding someone with whom we can be truly intimate. However, I believe the most intimate of all relationships is with our God. Not just knowledge of him or even worship, but the true openness and intimacy of actually allowing Him to touch our spirit.

I will pray for you this very day.
smile