Dear Cathi,
Thank you SO much for sharing these personal stories. That means a great deal to me. I am totally blown away by your stories--all your stories. You really DO have a story to tell, a book to write...and more than one.

With that thought, I might suggest that you do think of these various stories as at least two books! (No pressure, of course.) Here's why: a memoir isn't a whole life; it's a slice of a life. In my own situation, even though there is a direct connection between my incestuous childhood and the sexual addiction, I couldn't cram all of this into one book. The book would have been unwieldly. Different energy, different voices.

So, in your situation, I can envision a memoir that would focus upon your childhood, growing up in a military family, living in different cultures. You really could show the more positive (or positive and negative) aspects of living in a military family--all the adventures. That would be fascinating, to understand the impact it had upon your childhood.

Additionally, I can see another memoir that is focused more on your mother and grandmother, that kind of family history. That is just an incredible story.

But, okay, I hear you say that your mother doesn't want you to write about this past. And that is a choice that all memoirists, alas, have to make. It comes down to comfort level, to wanting to respect your family, yes, while, at the same time, as a writer, thinking about owning your stories, your history. By the way, I spend a lot of time on this very subject in Chapter 9 of "Fearless Confessions," how to approach the idea of telling family secrets. There are quotes and examples from other authors who struggled with this very topic, which you might find helpful.

And, it could well be that now isn't the right time to write this second memoir. But, of course, you can always write the other one first.

Meanwhile, slowly and gently, you can spend time talking with your mother about the family history memoir. You know, give her some time to adjust to the idea, learn more about her feelings. Read about how other memoirists have handled this very issue.

I've also had several students (I teach writing at the low-residency MFA program at Vermont College of Fine Arts) who have found themselves in this same situation. It's interesting that, over time, mothers and/or fathers, in many instances, have come to feel more comfortable with the idea of their children writing about the family.

But there's no right way or wrong way. Just a way that you feel comfortable with.

Again, thank you SO very much for sharing these important stories here. I'm incredibly touched.
_________________________
author, "Fearless Confessions: A Writer's Guide to Memoir"
www.suewilliamsilverman.com