Well I knew I came to the right place. You are all so smart, but not just smart, you have wisdom. And you are so supportive, I cannot thank you enough for it. I appreciate everything you write and cannot tell you how much it helps me to sort things out.

Earlier I read on a different thread (but here) about a woman who was going through a divorce, having good days and bad days, and grieving the loss of unfulfilled dreams or the expected life that now she would never have with her husband and family. I think I may be feeling some of this too. I expected we would grow old together and be happy in the house we both worked so hard on and lived in for many years. I expected us to eventually retire and travel and enjoy life. I expected us to be there for each other. I expected the love we once shared to never go away........

And what is very difficult for me is that since I am a person who absolutely hates confrontation is that I am the one who initiated it. He would have been content to live live that way forever. I couldn't any more.

I wonder if I am the eternal optimist, a Pollyanna so to speak, thinking it will get better, it has to. But I know it doesn't have to. And stories don't always end like fairy tales. But I wish this one would.......

Then again, as beautiful Edelweiss so astutely pointed out, I have my own house, I pay my own bills, no one controls me! And I felt controlled living with my husband even though we each were very independent. I was controlled when I felt guilty for not wanting sex, when he refused to talk to me for weeks on end, when he would be in a bad temper and yell about my stuff lying around, when he refused to eat the food I cooked because he wasn't hungry, and on and on. I lived on his terms then, he would say he lived on my terms, but now we live on our own terms.

My therapist tells me we tend to forget the bad and focus on only the good. She is right. I can focus on the bad if I think about it. But when I see him and my old house, I am thrown off for days, sad. When I am on my own I am much better and live my life. I am not lonely, but love my time alone, have my work and my granddaughter (who is a 14 yr old with all of the trappings!) have a small Ebay business, go to auctions, movies, out to eat, places with a couple of good friends. At times I miss my old life, my house especially, it was beautiful and mine now is small. Life is good, busy, but I know I am in limbo and think I would be better off if I weren't!
I love your advice, I love your stories, you are such strong, good women. Thank-you all. Hope to hear from you again.