Hi Sue, you certainly have a lot to think about. I picked the following from your post. Pardon the capitals, but I am using them to point something out: "We FIGHT over and over about the same thing and yesterday as he was LECTURING me yet again about something I said (I asked him if we should put a towel down on the floor of the laundry room floor because the kids were playing in the snow and coming in and out - and he said I was trying to CONTROL the situation yet again). So it's at the point where I just don't know how to act, how to be, to make him not be ANGRY at me.
He does have many good points, but his constant BADGERING." end quote. I look at some of those words and I think "verbal abuse/emotional abuse." If you don't know how to act, how to be, and you can't be your authentic self, then I am afraid abuse is still a part of the relationship. The words:" fight, lecturing, control, angry, badgering" are not nurturing relationship words. And you say "yet again" "over and over" which are key words to indicate a pattern of abuse. Sue, I am afraid that the counseling was ineffective and/or incomplete. Abuse is about power and control. You gave him power in the towel situation by asking him, he grabbed the power and controlled the situation by turning it BACK ON YOU as if YOU had a problem. You can't trust yourself as to how to act (you ask: should I do this? should I do that?) for fear of making him mad, and his unpredictable behavior makes him relationally untrustworthy. Trust is key for the foundation of relationship, and trust pertains to more than fidelity. The movie example is something you sound enlightened about, as if you had an "ah ha" moment. Yes, seize your opportunities for joy with or without him. The book by Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is excellent in explaining the covert and overt patterns of abuse, and there is a web site. I have discussed my marriage on this site, and I was blessed by the feedback, and able to make the right choice for me. I hope our discussions can help you as well. L, PL