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#90327 - 10/16/06 07:46 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: Dianne]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I can't stress enough to trust your own instincts. When that little voice in your head speaks, and it is a warning or nagging question, LISTEN....The one time I didn't, I got myself into more trouble than I could have imagined. Don't you agree Dianne, that we all posses a kind of instinct, all we need to do is listen to and trust it.
Oh and the punishment was because I said "NO" to his purchasing a baseball signed by the Yankees that cost $1500. He said I was being selfish!


Edited by chatty lady (10/16/06 07:49 PM)
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#90328 - 10/16/06 08:13 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: chatty lady]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Wow, miss two weeks, miss alot! I wanted to read all the posts before I joined in.

I too have had to endure verbal and mental abuse from my husband. He is a very good manipulator, and it has taken me a long time to be able to see through all that. The only saving grace for me was the fact that I am very independent and I pretty much do my own thing. It has always been that way. It was always my daughter Sofia and me going to church. Sofia and me going to school functions. He didn't want to be bothered. The only time he acknowledges me is when he has a complaint about something. The other time is when he wants sex. He can't touch me without having to grope my private parts. The difference now is, I just don't tolerate it. I tell him how I feel, where as before I was afraid of him critizing me and pointing out my complexes.

3 years ago I tried to leave him and managed to move out for 8 months. The mistake I made there was the fact I left because of the wrong circumstances. If any of you knew what I did you would be shocked. He asked me to come back and Sofia was having a difficult time, so I have been giving it another try. The reason Sofia was having a difficult time was because he stooped low enough and told her things that she didn't need to know. He did this to turn her against me. He used the same tactic with my parents and it worked. The only support I had was from my brother and his wife.

There is so much more, and when I am ready I will tell my story. The reason it has taken me so long to come out of my shell about this, is the fact that I really needed to make sure I was comfortable telling you all.

It took me two years to recover from all this and that's because I found a different shrink and he really has helped me more than I thought possible. I don't think I would be alive today if it wasn't for God's Hand carrying me. I wanted to commit suicide 3 years ago. It wasn't a cry for help type either, I was serious. I didn't want to live any longer. Thanks by the Grace of God, He gave me enough strength to think of Sofia and how this would've affected her. This is when I checked in a psychiatrict hospital, and was there for 8 days. Believe it or not, I became so attached to the other patients, I didn't want to leave. It was so safe there, and for once in my life I was able to be myself. I was so cheerful during that time, I sang and I danced. No one was embarrassed to be around me while doing so. One person even asked me what kind of meds do they have me on, and that they wanted some, LOL. I told them no different than the ones I had been taking before. In fact, I was the only patient there that didn't need sleep aid. I slept good the entire time I was there.

Oh dear, I didn't mean to ramble. There is so much more, to be continued at a later time.

I love you all alot!

Cheers,
Cathi

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#90329 - 10/16/06 08:20 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: Wisdom&Life]
Wisdom&Life Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 724
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Wow Chatty, I am really disgusted with what this creep did to you. Leaving you like this, what a coward. That's what I am reading about in these posts, cowards.

Another thing that made me sick was what the preachers and churches were doing. If they would read the Bible right, they would see that God is a divorcee Jer 3:8. God wants good witnesses. If one is miserable because they are stuck in a marriage for fear that God wants it that way, they are not setting a good example of a loving and merciful God. Another point, Jesus paid the price and in repentence, our sins are forgiven, and that includes divorce.

These holier than thou's that like to keep you in bondage and lecture you are probably the same people that are looking at porn on the internet. Don't be surprised with that!

Love,
Cathi

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#90330 - 10/16/06 09:29 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: Wisdom&Life]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Chatty, I can't see God allowing us to live on this earth without that inner voice to guide us. We make a lot of mistakes by not listening to it so imagine if it was never there!? I also believe women were given an extra dose of intuition, more so than men. When I take the time to slow down, pray and meditate, it's amazing how much I can develop better intuition. It's in the listening and stillness.

Cathi, thank you so much for opening up. It's difficult to share at first because some people will tell you to just leave him without taking everything into consideration. I once spoke with a shrink who told me he had a client who was over 60 and not in a position to leave her abusive husband financially. So, she learned to protect herself using his fear of being exposed. When he would raise his hand to her, she would tell him that she'd call the police and it would ruin his career. It always stopped him. I at first thought it was a horrible way to live but her options were limited because of her age.

I could rant for hours about churches. Why is it okay for him to abuse me and not okay for me to leave him? Don't get me started!

For quite a while, I denied that I had seen anything in my ex before we were married. But, there were some control issues I noticed that he would quickly stop doing when I called him on it. I thought he realized I wouldn't put up with it and what a mistake that was. They don't know anything but control.
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#90331 - 10/17/06 02:38 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: Dianne]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Cathi, I am so grateful you chose life and even more grateful you give the glory to God. He can do amazing things when we let Him. I'm so sorry you've had to endure such hardship, but as you can see by the others sharing their stores here, life goes on, it changes and there's a whole plan God has in store your future. Keep leaning on Him and trusting.
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#90332 - 10/17/06 05:45 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I've had women lurk around my site for up to six months before posting. It is extremely difficult to say the words--I'm being abused. I almost choked on those words when I had my first therapy session. But, once we admit it, we can find ways to leave, cope or whatever our choice is. And, it is our choice, not another person's idea of what we need to do. If a woman does decide to leave but only because she feels pressure from friends and family, she will return. It' a place in her mind where she has to arrive and can't be forced into.
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#90333 - 10/17/06 09:17 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: Dianne]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
I remember finally convincing my ex that we needed to go to couples therapy. Since insurance was paying for it (my insurance, of course) he was willing to go one time. He knew the end was near and he really didn't want me to go (I was finacially supporting both of us, his 16 year old daughter and her daughter).

The therapist asked us what our issues were and I just blurted out, "He is mean!" Both my ex's mouth and her mouth dropped. She asked him to leave and talked to me alone. She was afraid of the retribution that might be in store for me.

She referred both of us to The Domestic Abuse Project, a non-prof organization here in Minneapolis. I went, he didn't, and withing 3 weeks of my first session came the Great Guppie Murder and I was gone and never looked back.
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#90334 - 10/17/06 09:38 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: Anno]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I've always told women to never go to counseling with an abuser and like you mentioned, it's the retribution factor. Plus, they sit there and lie and it only makes the victim more frustrated.

I'm sure he and his family hated to lose their meal ticket. Oh, the things we do. Never looking back is the best way. Leave them in the dust, where they belong. And, you're too nice and pretty of a woman to ever be treated that way.
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#90335 - 10/18/06 12:16 AM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: Dianne]
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
I heard that from you once before Dianne: therapists prefer to counsel those who are being abused seperately and independently from the other. You explained the dynamics of this train-of-thought to me so well. Then, I read your theory and reasons for it in a book on relationships! You are a pioneer! When there is hope for the relationship, then the therapist will invite both to a session. But unless/until the victim can be safe, the abuser is disinvited. I kept my counseling sessions secret from the man I was married to because I knew he would sabotoge them. Dianne, did I read somewhere that it took you 2 years or so to be fully independent once you had made the decision to leave? Itt took me a LONG time to go through counseling enough to get the self-esteem that made me think I could live independently.Plus, I had to learn to work again after he had told me I was worthless out in the world. He worked night, I worked days. One morning, as I left for work through a temp agency, his GIRLFRIEND dropped him off at our apartment just as I was leaving for work. And he said he was working overtime the night. OT, right! Where was his car? I bet they left his car at the motel. In the meantime, my therapist had worked through safety factors with me, for when the violence escalated. Unfortunately, I had been so isolated from all friends and family. And, if someone would reach out to me, like a neighbor trying to make friends with me, I would neglect to form a relationship because I was so ashamed of being abused, and of his temper and attitude. That is the last thing a victim wants to do: she needs all the support she can get. Then, a new friend witnessed how he talked to me and told me I was bieng verbally abused. I had never heard that term before, so I took the term to my therapist. I had to admit I was being abused, after thinking this was a "normal" way of a relationship (like you, based on what I learned from family.) Just sharing.

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#90336 - 10/18/06 04:58 PM Re: Our very own Dianne Schwartz [Re: Princess Lenora]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Thanks, Lynnie. I'm having trouble typing as my hands are shaking from our baby trauma.

I stayed in therapy for two years to be sure I had gotten rid of all the garbage my parents had put in my mind and I never wanted to be like "that" woman again. I wanted to be completely healed so I wouldn't make the same mistakes. I have to tell you, the most work involved me finally understanding that my parents weren't mind readers, didn't know me at all but would always tell me they knew exactly how I was. What a weight was lifted when I understood that. It was like being born all over again but without the trash!
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