I just had a big dose of reality this weekend. My mom was visiting my city and she passed out at the theater and was taken to a hospital. Nothing was really wrong, but she was having some medication issues. The BIG realization for me was she is having significant memory problems.

I have decided to step up and help my mom and dad through this by being an advocate for her while she visits her doctor. She loves her doctor, a general practioner, but I want her to see a geriatric specialist and a nureopsychologist. My mom and dad said I certainly could go with, but I don't want to take away their power either.

Any suggestions, thoughts, etc?

Thanks. Ann

Hi, Ann: I do not think that it would be out of place for you to suggest further medical consultation for your Mom if you think and feel it is necessary to do so. You worry about your Mom and that is understandable. As you've stated, both parents seem to agree with your concern which is already a good start. It would have been a more difficult position to work along with if they did not. As long as you keep them involved and you consult with them all the way throughout the processes and for so long as they agree, I don't think you would be disenfranchising them of their autonomy to make decisions over their health, life etc. I pray that all will be well with your Mom and that nothing more than an adjustment of medication would be called for.

Bravo! Being proactive NOW will save you from having to step in later (possibly) and make sense of a situation. Not only that, if your Mom is having memory problems, she might not hear or decipher the message coming from the doctor, and may get things mixed up. This is very common because doctors rush people, and let's face it, our parents are at the age where they can't digest it all in the 3-minute visit allocated for each patient. Especially something that might be life-altering.

Also, please remember that even though your Mom is having memory problems, and even though she passed out, the diagnosis could be something as simple as low B12, low iron, thyroid, or some other option. I think people have the tendency to think Alz the minute they sense something is wrong. Only a qualified doctor like a neruo or specialist can tell you for sure. General practioners just are not qualified!

I applaud you for caring so much to do this for them, and I agree that you have half the battle won since they are willing for you to accompany them. Two heads, or three ARE better than one. The emotional detachment that you will be able to give, will be invaluable to them. Can you tell I am passionate about this subject?

Also, just so you don't misunderstand me. I am NOT saying you are not emotional about this, I'm just saying that when you are sitting there listening to a doctor explain things, it's easier for you, or someone else, to grasp the situation simply because it ISN'T YOU.

I'll make one other suggestion. Go to the dollar store and buy a $1.00 journal. Start keeping records of things that happen (like the fainting) and date them. You may never need the records, but if you do, you will be so glad you did. It will hep the doc's in assigning meds and measuring levels or phases of dementia IF it turns out this is part of the problem. Keep us posted, won't you? And good luck with Mom. Bless her!

JJ

Thank you Lola. I will be sure to remember to keep them involved in the entire process. I will discuss with them the choices they have and let them make the final decision.

Jawjaw, I will remain emotionally detached. I am hoping that I can use my life coaching skills to keep me focused on what they want. Thanks also for the words of encouragement. Your passion for this topic comes through loud and clear.

Thank you both for your support and taking the time to guide me. This is new territory for me.

Ann

Ann, I know how you must feel. We are in a similar position with my Mom as well. My brother and I take her for her Dr. app'ts. She has had a couple of falls recently, nothing life threatening but she loses her balance now and then. She has some part-time nurses aides coming in a couple of days a week, but we are sure that will increase soon. Nevertheless, J.J. is right, pick up a notebook. I have had one that I keep with me at all times. I bought it a year ago and write EVERYTHING down. All Dr. app'ts, results, medication problems, Aides comments, insurance info, absolutely everything. It has been such a help, it was worth the trip to Staples! Good luck, this is a difficult time for many boomers in the sandwich generation.

Anno,
I agree with JJ, a journal of your parent's medical issues would be a great help in putting together symptoms for an accurate diagnosis.

I think it's almost always wise for someone to go along on doctor visits. Missing instructions from a doctor is not limited to the elderly. It happens to us all. Especially if we are emotional about the visit to begin with. Highly charged emotions affect memory. The issues of health are more emotional as we age and become more physically fragile.

Also, adverse reactions to medications increase with age. Side effects that might previously have presented no problem can become overwhelming and medication interactions are also more common. I google everything and I'm constantly surprised to discover that the side effects are often worse than the condidtion being treated. If more than one physician is prescribing, the possibility of over dosing and drug interaction is increased.

Almost all elders take medication for high blood pressure and the side effects such as dizziness and depression can be hazardous. Blood pressure normally increases with age and the pharmaceutical industry has succeeded in decreasing the accepted 'normal' so almost anyone over sixty is on medication. Recent research has shown that lowering blood pressure does not decrease the likelihood of heart attack and stroke so the drugs may not be worth the risks.

I guess we must constantly monitor our parent's health as they (and we) age. Sounds like you are on the right track.

smile

Anno, I'm in the same boat with youright now and feel like I'm paddling up stream. You have my compassion.

I love the journal idea and hadn't thought of that. Got to get one today.

Might I also suggest taking the journal in the doctor's office so you can jot notes as he speaks. We did that when Mom had cancer. There are five kids - plus my dad and whoever went to the doctors with her took notes. It was so helpful because when upset, we do tend to forget. It was also great to go back and see that two months earlier when doing the same thing, she had the same reaction.

If you are dealing with memory issues, you must read The 36 Hour Day. I'm almost finished and I've picked uplots of ittle pointers throughout. I highly recommend it. It's been referred to as the Bible for dementia/alzheimers.

NABBW is doing a great teleseminar on this September 26th. Barb Friesner will speak about the generational differences and how to break the barriers when caring for our aging parents. I hope all of you will listen in. If you're not a member of the NABBW, you might want to join just to have access to the teleseminars.

Thank you, all, for your support. I already have the notebook and will give one to my father, also. Actually, now that I think of it, I will give one the my mother also! Keep her empowered.

Thanks for the book referral, Dotsie. I will pick up a copy on my next bookstore visit. I am hoping that the teleseminar will be taped on available online, since I am busy at that time.

I find great comfort here - knowing that I have the wisdom of many girlfriends who have gone through, or are going through, the same family issues as me. Thanks for being part of my support system.

Ann

Back in '99, I was in the process of relocating to another state. Since losing my only sibling in '90, it was obvious that I had to sit down with my parents and make plans for the future. I insisted that they get the legal stuff in order - power of attorney, medical power of attorney - first and foremost.

Dad had a heart attack about a year after I moved. Mother was in the early stages of alzheimer's. Caring long distance consumed my life for the next 5 years. Dotsie, the book you refered to is excellent. I also recommend working with the local Counsel on Aging. They are a great source of information about what is available in your county.

Initially, we hired someone to "clean" once a week. She actually was a trained nurse assistant - and did some cleaning as a side job. She could keep an eye on what was going on - little changes in thier habits, etc. I also worked closely with their doctor. I would call him prior to their office visits and let him know my concerns. He would follow up with a call back if necessary. I know there are privacy issues and some doctors won't reveal any information to anyone, but thankfully, this one did. I was very grateful for that.

Eventually, as their health deteriorated (alzheimer's, breast cancer, stroke) we had to have 24 hour care. We moved back home and for the last 2 years of their lives, it was one challenge after another. Our caregivers did keep an journal - which was actually for the caregivers to track what happened throughout the day. But, it was also a great tool to take along for doctor visits because they were so detailed - blood pressure readings, medications, diet, etc. Right down to bathing, sleeping and mood changes.

It's a job that I never asked for - but if you love your parents - you're there for them as they were for you. Dad passed in March '05 and Mother followed in August. Her alzheimer's was a blessing in that she never knew that the love of her life was gone. I do believe that she knew at some level (she cried a lot) - they would have been married 67 years if they had both lived until August.

I swore that I would write a book when it was over - just because you feel so lost while you're in the midst of it all. It is truly all consuming.

browser, so you picked up and moved to their home town to be with them their last two years? Now that's dedication. Did you have any children living at home?

Ann, the teleseminars are always available to NABBW members on the members only page at www.nabbw.com.

It all worked out as if it were destined. We were getting close to retirement - and did not plan to stay in the south anyway. Our family and kids are here. We hadn't planned on coming back quite as soon - but, it all worked out for the best.

MIL will be needing more attention (she's 81 and getting along independently for now, but getting Very forgetful.) So, we're here for her, too.

I hope to have a plan in place for my care when the time comes - I don't want to burden my kids. No one likes to think about these things until we're in trouble and need help.

Thanks for the input everyone. I just returned from a long day - driving 150 miles, driving to the doctor, and back 150 miles. It was worth the effort.

My mom and dad were happy I came. I gave them lots of information - some of which you gave me here - and I was able to catch up on where both of my parents were medically.

The doctor was nice, but a little off-put by my presence until my dad finally told him that I had a heart attack last year and was concerned more than ever about health and health care. I was proud of my mom - she was honest with the doctor about her memory issues and her passing out at the theater. I am not sure that she would have done this if I had not pushed the issue by going with her to the doctor.

My dad was happy to have someone there to push the doctor a bit - I could be pushy so he did not have to be, since it is his doctor, too.

She has a referral to a nuerologist and will be taking a memory test run by the university. She will cut back on meds until she has had blood tests for b12, iron and niacin.

I am so glad that I went today, and thank you all for the support and help.
Ann

I didn't want to cover up a post, but also wanted to give everyone an update.

My mom went to the nuerologist and got her report back on Friday. The doctors and social workers spent over 2 hours with both of my parents. Seems she does have significant memory loss - she is labeling it Alzhimers but dad said the doctor gave it some other name, an alphabet soup name. Anyway, it is not going to get better, only worse.

Good news is, my parents are both going to get more help, join support groups and just knowing what they are up against is helping their emotional states. Mom also started taking an anti-depressant (much to her general practioners chagrin) and it seems to be helping her anxiety.

My mom and dad had a long, long tough time taking care of both of their mothers through lots of health issues, and I know her biggest worry is that she will be a burden to dad. Her neighbor had alzhiemers and she saw first hand how difficult it was on the husband. Any advice on how to help her get past this step will be greatly appreciated.

I will be seeing both of them and the rest of my family on Thursday at my house for a turkey feast. I think it is time for me to give them both extra love, while she is still the woman I want to remember.

Ann

Bless your heart Anno...You still have time to accomplish that too and thats a plus.

Thanks, Chatty and Anne. It is easy to give them that extra love, too - they are both such kind and giving people.

Thanks, Anne. I will also pass this on to my dad.

Anno, why not write them a letter of affirmation for all they've done for you through the years?

I did this years ago for Mom and Dad. I found a pretty Thanksgiving border and wrote them a love letter, basically. Anyway, when Mom died and we were going through her belongings, it was right on top in her drawer of trinkets and letters she couldn't part with. I read it and was so grateful she had read those words and knew the deep love and appreciation I held in my heart for her and Dad. I did it for her, and I felt blessed in the end. I highly recommend it.

Oh, and I forgot, I just read The 36 Hour Day. Someone close to us is suffering from the early stages of demetia and I found this book to be most helpful. Here's the link:

http://amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/002-566...the+36+hour+day

One of the authors is a neighbor. He works at Hopkins and is a leading expert on Alzheimers.

Thank you Dotsie. I will write that letter this weekend. I just got the same book recomendation from my coach, today. Kismit - two people telling me about the same book on the same day. I will be purchasing it today.

Anno,
You can go to the link for Alz assocation it is www.alz.org
they have a toll free number you can talk to 24 hours a day to care providers and get help . Please give them a call .

Renee

Thanks Renee. Another case of kismet. I was online this morning looking up information and ran across this site. I already sent my dad the link, too.

I love the women here. Thanks everyone for your support, wisdom and love.

I have been down that road with Alz . When my mother died of Alz in March of this year I told my friends to donate to the Alz Ass in my mother's name , they need to find a cure . I want to Volunteer in there off here in Maryland

Let me know if I can help further .

Renee

I really appreciate your support Renee. I just thought of the perfect gift for Christmas. I have a small recorder (about the size of a finger) and I am going to buy one for my mother, so that she can keep track of lists, thoughts, etc.

Renee
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mother to alz. I am very proud of you and your friends to find such a wonderful way to celebrate her life.

I have been thinking of getting into a support for grief councling after losing her . I miss her these holidays and not family now. My husband has two sister's our of town . I have a daughter and husband here in town and lots and lots of friends. I have two relatives, but I need to stay away
from them.

Renee
I go onto the message broad at Alz Assoc and the chat room and talk with people and that can help you down the road also.

I haven't posted yet here, because AZ is a very sensitive subject for me.
I think I have an AZ phobia.
As a teenager I worked in old age homes. I think I was too young or too naïve to work with dementia patients, because it has implanted a negative and frightening impression on me to this day. I'm scared to death of AZ; for me and for loved ones. I can't fathom anything worse then loosing ones mind. My mother seems to get more forgetful and confused then I think normal. I don't really know what the first signs of AZ are, but I have been suppressing the reality of this new development with my mom, for fear of finding out the worst.
After following your posts, I sense strength and a positive attitude from so many of you, which I know I have to develop. Especially Renee's phrase "I will remain emotionally detached." I got to try to master that. Oh boy, not sure if I can. I could cry just at the thought of loosing my Mom like that.
Many of you ladies have supported your parents along this way.
I just want to express my utmost respect and sympathies. If I ever should have to deal with a similar situation, hopefully I'll have at least half the strength that you all show.

Hannelore, if you think your mom might be a little forgetful, you might want to take her to the doctors. They'll do a little test with her to see if she is indeed heading in this direction.

The good news is that we have a loved one who has the early stages of dementia and there is medicine that can help. After discerning that it is indeed dementia, the doctor prescribed and it is really helping his clarity overall. There is still some confusion, but he is doing considerably better.

I mean no disrespect by this comment, but sometimes I think I should start taking it.

Hannelore, God will give you what you need to help your mom should this be the case. I never thought I cold watch Mom dwindle away to death due to her cancer, but I did. And I have to say that because of my faith, I was able to give her what she needed ,and that was the assurance that she was going to a better place to be with her God. You will be surprised at the strength you can find during such a difficult time.

Hannelore, get your mom to the doctor. The sooner you know, the more that can be done to slow down the memory loss. This is not the time for denial.

Mom was great yesterday. Her new medications make her a bit nauseus, but her memory was great and her attitude even better. She was the best I have seen her in a long time.

See, now I needed someone to tell me that. Mom and I share the same family doctor. I'll give him a call Monday. Thanks for the gentle shove, Anno.

Quote:

---

I mean no disrespect by this comment, but sometimes I think I should start taking it.

---

Oh Dotsie, it took me almost 3 minutes to figure out what you meant. Gosh, maybe I should get examined as well.

Hannelore
Hope it was a "gentle shove". Like Dotsie, and you and me, and so many others, we all have a bit of memory loss, but when it begins to get in the way of a good life, it is time to ask for outside help.
The best to you.

Anne
I am so sorry to hear about your mom's condition. it must be very frustrating for everyone when she makes big mistakes that you knows how to do. Is it difficult not to get angry with her?

Let me ask you indulgence as I post on this subject. It is near and dear to me. My Daddy has Lewy-Body Dementia (LBD). It is like AZ (there are 100's of dementias) with the exception that LBD has a life expectancy of 7 years and people with LBD hallucinate. They DO NOT hallucinate with AZ. At least that is what we were told by the neuro-doc.

By the way, DO NOT see a GP if you suspect dementia. They are not qualified to diagnose the different kinds and it's very important that it IS diagnosed correctly because certain meds can have an adverse effect on the patient. Believe me, I learned the hard way.

ALSO...THIS IS IMPORTANT. Just because your Mom has memory loss does not mean she has dementia. She could simply need B12 shots, or could possibly have a thyroid problem. It pays to have it checked out. There are meds on the market that can slow the process of dementia and give your love one a better quality of life for the remainder of their time. Don't wait until it is too late to either 1) find out it was only B12 deficiency, or 2) the dementia is so far gone the meds won't help.

We (my sisters and I) took care of Daddy for 7 years, as I said, and he died almost to the date. Here is the jest of a brochure I wrote that the State of Alabama has on hand for people being introduced into the horrible world of dementia.

If you suspect your love one has a memory problem, contact a doctor who specializes in Dementia. Most MD’s are not specialist in this field and may attribute memory loss to old age. If your doctor doesn’t take your concerns seriously, contact one that does.

Keep a journal of suspicious behavior BEFORE you visit the doctor. This list aides the doctor in determining how much memory loss has occurred, and after careful evaluation, how much and the kinds of medications needed. This list, along with the doctor’s evaluations and test, provide a timeline for approximating the onset of the disease, and how much it has advanced. This is an emotional time. Writing down the facts in advance gives you more time with the doctor to ask questions and listen without having to recall previous situations with your love one.

If others are involved in your lives, make sure to involve them from day one. Take them with you to the doctor appointments, if willing, and let them hear and see everything. It is important to have someone else there on the initial visit as information may seem overwhelming and important details could be overlooked.

Do I tell my love one what is wrong when diagnosed? This is up to individual families. Your doctor should be able to assess the situation and make helpful recommendations. The final decision, however, is absolutely yours.

Once diagnosed, the doctor may request the patient no longer drive. This can be particularly devastating to the patient, but is necessary for their protection and welfare. Most often, by the time you make the decision to consult a physician, the disease has progressed to a phase that would render them incapable of making critical decisions while driving. This poses a danger to the patient and to other drivers as well. The caregiver is responsible and liable should an accident occur. It is the responsibility of the doctor to notify the state if a patient continues driving after the family has been advised against it. Once reported, the State Transportation Department usually revokes the patient’s driving license.

This is an area where the caregiver’s support group can help. Check with your family and friends and see if they will offer to take your love one out for a drive occasionally. This gives the patient something to look forward to, and also gives you, the caregiver, time alone which eventually becomes a scarce commodity.

Try to keep their surroundings and routines the same (i.e., home environment, mealtimes). There are exceptions. One would be to “child-proof” areas where they might read, sit, or eat (Example: use sturdy chairs for reading and mealtimes, bibs when eating, placemats for spills, and use unbreakable dishes/glasses). Move nightstands, stools or other objects away from their bedside in case of wandering during the night, which is common with dementia. Move furniture away from their walking area in the home to prevent falls.

Unfamiliar places and people could confuse or make them feel paranoid, insecure, and even agitated and/or violent. Keep changes to a minimum.

Dementia patients lose their ability to reason, and some, hallucinate. Don’t argue with the patient! What they see is what they see! Also, when you argue, there is the risk of the patient becoming agitated or worse, violent.

Wandering and feeling displaced or lost is common with people who have dementias. Some are convinced they are in the wrong home and feel the need to leave. Try changing the subject by asking them to help with a task, or you can suggest an outing for ice cream.

The time will come for “Depends” or other products. Uncontrollable body functions are common with dementias. You will know when to suggest using them. Hopefully, by the time you need to use these products, they won’t realize what they are and will be grateful for the help they provide.

Patients could become paranoid about money, possessions, or family members. Long-time friends suddenly are the enemy in their eyes, so they may refuse visits or calls from them. Some patients loan items to family members then accuse them of stealing. Because they live somewhat in the past, some patients may believe they are still employed and wonder why they are not receiving pay. While these patients lose the ability to know a dollar bill from a 50-dollar bill, or even count change, the importance of money is still in their minds. Dedicate a place in your home where an envelope contains their “paycheck.” Without them knowing, place small amounts of money in the envelope the day before they are schedule to be paid and present this to them. Do not give dementia patients large sums of money. One family did and sad to say, a con artist convinced the patient to write them a check for everything in the family’s checking account.

As the dementia progresses, some patients hide personal items like keys or important documents. Have extra keys made to everything. Give other family members or trusted friends sets of keys to your home and automobile as well. Assess documents and valuables you have in your home and determine if they need to be in a safer place. By leaving Wills, Deeds, CD’s, etc, in your home, you run the risk of them finding them, destroying them or even throwing them away.

We all need support. Don’t wait to tell family members, friends, neighbors, or church members. While it may seem unnecessary, what if your love one wandered off and was lost? If your neighbors know the facts and see them, they would feel comfortable in knowing they needed to help guide them safely home.

These people become your support group. They laugh with you, cry with you, and listen to you. There is no such thing as too much support. You will need all the support you can possibly get, including other members of the medical community such as the patient’s family dentist, general doctor, etc.

Identify task that can be assigned to the patient like folding laundry, taking out garbage, retrieving mail, or answering telephone calls. This gives them a sense of accomplishment, of pride, and of belonging. It is very important for them to feel needed and a part of daily routines. There will come a time when this is no longer an option. If your love one has a hobby, encourage them to spend time pursuing this hobby and if possible, join in. You will not regret the quality time you spend together

Keep your sense of humor. Humor? Yes, humor. It often helps to laugh when crying would suit the situation better. Remember, this is a disease that intends to strip your love one of every ounce of dignity and to further that intention by making you, the caregiver loose sleep, money, sometimes friends, social life, and what little peace that may have existed in your life.

Personal appearance and eating habits may change drastically. Some may refuse to bathe, wash or comb their hair, or shave and because some have Parkinson-like symptoms, their hands may shake uncontrollably, therefore, messes are made and frequent spills occur. Ask your love one if you can help with their daily grooming. When shaving male patients, try having them lie down instead of standing. For messes when eating, try telling them how much you love the shirt/blouse they are wearing and explain what a pity it would be to soil it. Present them with a bib as a gift. This is usually accepted and happily worn. When spills happen, let it go. Save yourself for the big things. Announce, “I do that all the time!” and continue your meal.

Falls are probably the leading cause of death with dementia patients. Once a patient falls and breaks bones, they risk developing pneumonia. Because their medicines are limited, they’re unable to overcome the pneumonia; thus some die.

As the disease progresses the patients become weaker. They no longer have strength and abilities they once possessed. This may begin by falling over a footstool, or missing the seat of a chair. Remember, these patients have lost their peripheral vision, balance, cognitive abilities, and strength. Combined these losses and it should help you to realize why dementia patients need CAREGIVERS. There are things you can do to help prevent falls like installing handrails outside your home for stairs, even if there are only two steps. Walk in front of the patient or behind when using steps. Rearrange your furniture as mentioned earlier, and make sure they have good, supportive footwear. You can also purchase a walking stick to aide them going room to room and of course, offer your assitance, ANYTIME!

JJ, thank you so VERY much for your informative post. Especially the part about making a list before visiting the doctor is an excellent tip. Instead of going to our family doctor, I'm going to ask him whom he would recommend.

I hope and pray that my mother's signs are only normal signs of getting old. I took her for a ride today to the Bavarian alps. It was such a beautiful day. While walking along a path, she suddenly broke out into a run. I mean run! (My mom is 85). When I caught up with her (pant pant), she just laughed and said she needed to do that, she hasn't run for years. She's unbelievable. She seemed so youthful and fresh today, that it makes me almost ashamed to want her checked. It's just so different from day to day with her.

Anne, now that's an example, (what JJ suggested), where you could try to see the humour in seeing "a two story black car". I think it's probably the only way to prevent going down hill yourself. I know it's easier said then done. I know, Hon.

J.J. this is so true what you have written about the signs of Alz . My mother's first sign of Alz was she had lost her sense of smell and did have much of an appatite all at times . This is just only one of the signs and many more did come later .

I talk to a lot of people on the Alz chat room message board .

Renee

Wow, JJ, you really are a fountain of information.

Hanelore, how you must have enjoyed watching your mother run in the mountains! I love experiencing what makes other people smile and laugh.

Anne, a two story car! I hope you can find the humor for as long as possible. It must be frustrating.

Renee, my mom has been complaining about not having an appetite. We all assumed it was some medication she was taking. Maybe it is related to the memory issue.

I learn so much from my friends.

JJ, thanks so much for all the wonderful information. We are in the process of gettting a proper diagnosis for a loved one.

Our loved one has been to a geriatrician, been given the small verbal test for dementia, had an MRI, but we still don't know exactly what we are dealing with.

Medicine has been prescribed for depression and our loved one became much WORSE. Now no longer on that med. Thank God.

Is now on another medication that slows down the dementia and it seems to be helping.

We will soon take our loved one to an expert in the field at Hopkins. Then we should learn exactly what we are dealing with. Having Hopkins in our back yard is one of the beauties of living in Baltimore.

I'm sure Lynn would agree. SOme of you don't remember Lynn, but she hung out with us while her hubby was being treated at hopkins for his pancreatic cancer. He remains in remission!

Anno, you are right about learning so much from your friends. The wealth of knowledge women have to share is one of the reasons I launched this site.

Your mother was lucky that you were together. It is really scary when physical and mental issues arise. As you have learned, medication levels in the blood stream cause problems. I was exploring information for a friend whose mother lives far away. In the exploration I came across www.lifefone.com and it was interesting.

My concern is since my vision is decreasing, the chance of falling increases also. This product allows me to be connected to a monitoring group anywhere I go and not just within a short distance. If I read the information correctly, they can also contact the doctors immediately so 911 learns what medication and other important information is necessary for proper emergency care. Check it out just to make sure I read everything correctly but this can help others also.

Phyllis, are you saying you may lose your vision? Is this a recent development you have? I just heard that Bill Gates is working on a new computer screen for the visually impaired. Have you heard of that?
Hannelore

This parent-care journey is filled with laughter and tears. I know you all understand this. My mom's short-term memory has skipped town. She and I know it. She compensates by leaving little notes around her room (assisted living) with bits of things she wants to tell me and needs from the store.
One day, I found a note written in shorthand. Mom was a business ed. teacher back in the day of dictaphones, electric typewriters, and shorthand.
"Mom, you'll have to translate this for me. I never took shorthand."
"Oh, honey. That note's not for you," she said.
"Um...what is it, if you don't mind me asking?"
She said, "Since my memory is not so good, I often forget things I need to stay fussed up about. So, I've taken to writing them down."
I smiled. "So, this is a list of things to stay mad about?"
"Yes. Some things you just need to stay upset over."

Well...there you have it. I have to add -- Mom watches a lot of CNN, so a number of things on the list are probably world issues. I didn't ask her to translate the list, just in case I was on it somewhere. A woman has to have some secrets, after all...

When my dear sister was suffering from the ravages of MS, she would have to have little notes left all over my mothers house. Like don't trhrow your panties in the toilet, or don't hide food in the dresser drawers, or flush! It was so strange one day, we were at the doctors, sister, mother and me, and mom was telling the doctor about the notes and that they weren't working anymore and my sister looked at all of us and said, "Yeah, well wheres the note that says to read all the other notes?" Sometimes she was herself and we all had quite a good laugh. One of our last ones together...

Every post on this thread pulled my heart strings, even the humorous ones. JJ, can't thank you enough for you instructive post. And, madhatter, thank you for bringing the thread to the top. Since joining, I haven't read older threads, unless someone adds to one. A million questions are circling inside my head.

Yes, thank you for bringing back this post. I was just talking to my mom on the phone and asking if she and dad would come up for dinner some night. She said no, she was just too nervous. I miss her.

I watched a great movie several years back, I think it was called Memento, about a guy who wrote, tatooed notes all over his body and on pieces of paper all over the place to remind himself of what he was looking for. It was not about alz, but another memory issue. This is how I feel about my mom alot of the time. Thanks for sharing the story, Chatty.

It was good to go back and read all of the help that was offered to me when this was first posted. You are a wonderful bunch of women.

One other suggestion is to document your parents' information, such as insurance policies, bank account numbers, etc. You can tactfully offer to help them make a list in case they need it to fill out hospital papers, insurance claims, etc. Then, be sure to keep a copy for yourself. If they will allow it, get your name on a bank account with them too. Even if there is a Power of Attorney in place, it doesn't always work the way the books tell you it does. Everything will be easier if you have direct access to funds to pay bills or otherwise help them.

I don't want to overwhelm you, so I won't try to cover all I learned doing it for over ten years. Both of my parents had different forms of dementia. My husband's mother is still alive at the age of 92 and we handle her legal and financial affairs too. She's been lucky. She has not had significant memory problems or health issues. Only in the last few years has she needed care assistance.

Believe me I've learned a lot. One of the biggest issues I have with the things they tell people to do to be prepared for the time they need assistance, is that many of those things are not a guarantee. The POA (Power of Attorney) is just one example. It's commonly thought that having one in place will allow your family to help you if necessary. My parents both had one. However, the bank told us they don't have to accept them--and they often don't. We learned from experience.

I'll check the board occasionally, but don't hesitate to send a note if there is anything I might be able to help with. I also did case management for adult developmentally disabled for some years. So I know medications and a bunch of recordkeeping, caregiver, nursing, legal stuff that sometimes comes in handy.

Keep a positive outlook and take care of yourself. You can't help anyone if you don't. That is the hardest thing for people to do in these situations.

Penny, I'd be interested to know if you've worked with large families (meaning enough siblings to get in each other's way) as a case worker.

gimster, is that the situation you are in now? I'm from a family of five children and we spent seven months, (almost six years ago) caring for Mom who was dying of lung cancer. Maybe I can help.

yeppers, dotsie... a complicated situation, to say the least. I have never seen a family (of 10) so diverse as ours, as in interests, personalities, employment, finances, attitudes and beliefs. One pulls, the other tugs and vice versa.