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#74397 - 02/05/06 09:05 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Since this is the forum I am frequenting lately, I wanted everyone to know that I will be gone for a while because there has been a death in the family. I have to go from CO to PA for a week. Sue, I want you to know that I support your work and your presence as featured author, and I will catch up as soon as I can. Love and Light to all, Lynn

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#74398 - 02/05/06 06:24 PM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Lynnie,
I'm so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you and your family during this time.

JJ

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#74399 - 02/05/06 07:40 PM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Sue William Silverman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Michigan
Dear Lynn, I am so very sad to learn about the death in your family. Please know that I am thinking of you during this time.

Thanks so much for posting the review of Marilyn Van Derbur's book.

Too, I want you to know that I am truly appreciative of your support. Your wonderful presence in this forum will be missed! love, Sue

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#74400 - 02/06/06 08:00 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Lynnie, I too am sorry to hear this. I have you all in my prayers. Have a safe trip.
Sue, I am enjoying you as this month's author.
I have a childhood friend who decided to speak out about her father years later. When the news was out, I called her and spent the weekend at her home. She told me everything...
No one wanted to believe her.
She decided to tell it all when her father wanted to start taking her son out with him on weekends.
Why do 'most' people want to believe it is a lie rather that admit that this possibly happened? Many of her/our friends said to me, What if Janie(not real name) is lying. My biggest worry was "What if she's not?" or "Please let her be lying!"
I made a concious choice to believe every word she said. I don't know why. Mostly because if she did experience such horror, she needed someone who truly cared. If she wasn't honest about it, then she had another problem and still needed a caring friend.
(Janie) took her parents to court but nothing was done. She believes her Mom turned a blind eye. Insult added to injury. When I see her again this year, I will mention your book, Sue.
chick

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#74401 - 02/05/06 09:21 PM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Sue William Silverman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Michigan
Dear Chick, thank you for the lovely welcome. I agree with you that it’s shocking and amazing how people don’t want to believe that child abuse happens. Why?

One reason, I think, is that frequently there’s such a disconnect between the (public) man people think they know…and the dark soul of the man who is a secret. In other words, frequently these men (such as my father or Marilyn Van Derbur’s) are, professionally, very successful. They seemingly have lots of friends. Oh, you know, as part of my father’s business, my parents always entertained a lot. So I think it’s difficult for people to totally re-think their vision of these men. But of course we know that people lead double lives all the time. And, in fact, my family’s seemingly normal life was a mask or a façade that hid the dark, incestuous reality.

Another reason for this denial is that I think child abuse (in one form or another) is so prevalent that, for people to admit it happened to someone else, forces them to look at themselves—at their own families—and, therefore, maybe admit that their families aren’t/weren’t as “happy” as they want to believe. Our society seems so seeped in denial. It’s frightening.

Plus, sadly, children’s (and women’s) voices have traditionally been so discounted—not heard. Children are treated as “property,” owned by parents. They have no rights. And when those of us have no “rights,” our voices aren’t heard.

I wrote an article a few years ago for the Chicago Tribune (unfortunately I don’t have an e-copy), about how child abuse should be seen as a human rights issue. After all, children living with abusive parents are like prisoners of war, their parents terrorists holding them captives. So, my sense is that we're a society, a culture, that's used to silence, to keeping secrets. And I think the breaking of silence threatens many people!

That’s so important that you’re supporting your friend in this most profound way. I know this means so much to her, to have you hear her voice. We all need friends like you! Sue

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#74402 - 02/05/06 10:08 PM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
Sue, Janie's Dad owned a tavern. Everyone liked him. Well most everyone. My Mom called me and said, " You need to be there for Janie."
After the court date, Janie tried to commit suicide. She is a nurse and knows how. She was found by someone who just happened to drop by.(A miracle angel)There may be some liver damage.
They let me in ICU. When I asked her why?, she said..."I wanted to die, to prove that I am telling the truth."
I know I am rambling on, Sue. I hope I haven't gone too far astray in what you want to accomplish here. Just one more question? I think I know the answer but I'd like to hear your views on it.
Janie was sexually abused from the age of three, well into her married years. When her husband left town on business, her Dad(who had a key) dropped by after midnight while her 3 children slept. Janie didn't know how to make it stop. No one could understand how a grown married woman wouldn't tell her husband about this.
This is all about his power, isn't it?
chick

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#74403 - 02/05/06 11:02 PM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Sue William Silverman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Michigan
Hi, Chick, You’re not rambling on at all! Your questions and comments mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for participating in this important way.

That is truly sad and scary that your friend tried to commit suicide. I’m so very sorry to hear this. Thank goodness that someone happened to find her in time.

To me, I totally understand that Janie didn’t tell her husband and that the abuse continued with her father, even after she was married—that she wasn’t able to stop it. You’re absolutely right: this is all about power and control. Even though, in terms of age, she was an adult, still, emotionally, how could she have grown up since her father had stolen her childhood from her at such an early age? Even though my father stopped molesting me when I left home for college, I, too, was trapped in an emotionally immature period. That’s why the sexual addiction continued for years; I continued to act out the behavior my father had taught me. Since my father, like Janie’s, stole my sense of “self,” I couldn’t protect myself. In other words, I had NO sense of my own power. And it sounds as if the same is true for Janie. I truly hope that now Janie can find the help she deserves. The journey is long. But there IS help and hope out there! Thanks for sharing this with us, Chick! Sue

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#74404 - 02/06/06 09:41 PM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Sue, in the Domestic Violence forum the women are talking about old habits and triggers.

Do you mind sharing how you blocked out such things during your recovery?

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#74405 - 02/06/06 11:33 PM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Sue William Silverman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Michigan
Hi, Dotsie, first let me say it was a long, long process journeying through recovery. It’s not as if changing old habits happened quickly or smoothly for me. I had many set backs. Many relapses. However, the following is what most helped me:

In order to change habits and behaviors, I mainly had to be totally committed in my recovery from the sexual addiction (and eating disorder). Therefore, my recovery was modeled on the 12-Step program, what is most commonly used in Alcoholics Anonymous. (I wasn’t an alcoholic, I’m only referring to a kind of model used in addiction recovery, in general.) In other words, all my therapy--the group therapy, as well as the 28 days I spent in a rehab unit-- were all based on this idea that there’s “power in the group.” I was not emotionally healthy enough to stay “sober” or keep myself safe on my own. In fact, my therapist always let me know that he, on his own, couldn’t “keep” me safe, either. He knew that I needed, in fact, a group to help me. In addition, part of the recovery consisted of finding a “force” (Higher Power, whatever you want to call it) more powerful than the addiction.

In other words, as a sex addict, when I was acting out, nothing could stop me. An addict wants what she wants when she wants it. And, as with all addicts, I had a lot of pain to numb, so I acted out with some regularity. (I used sex like a drug to numb my feelings, the pain of what had happened to me as a child.) Therefore, I needed a group, the power of a group, to help me stay safe.

This idea of “power in the group” works on a couple of levels. First, once I formed friendships with the other women in my group, then I more easily came to understand that if one of my friends were to act out sexually with a “dangerous” man, this would not be healthy for her! So, the more I could see how this would hurt my friends, then the obvious conclusion was that it would hurt me, too! “What’s unhealthy or hurtful for my friends, is also hurtful for me!” Too, in the 12-step type of groups, you get lots of phone numbers, friends to call before you act out. Friends who will help you stay sober. Oh, to be honest, once I’d made about 8 or 9 phone calls (or whatever it would take), who had the energy to go act out! You know, letting that secret go (that I wanted to act out), helped diffuse things quite well!

In short, the recovery that most helped me was being part of a group, being emotionally honest, and letting go of secrets. These were the keys.

If you’d like to know more about my addiction and recovery, you might also like to read a couple of things that are on the web:

I have the first chapter of my memoir, “Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey Through Sexual Addiction,” on my website, www.suewilliamsilverman.com. (Click on the book title on the column on the right-hand side of the Home page.)

You can also reach an article I wrote, “Me and My Addict,” by going to my website, then scrolling down to the section called “Quick Links.” It’s in this right-hand column at the bottom.

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#74406 - 02/07/06 06:10 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Sue, do you feel you have completely forgiven your parents? Are there times when anger over the injustice of it all creeps back into your thoughts?

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