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#74497 - 02/25/06 03:57 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Yes, it does and thank you.

In Marilyn Van Derbur's book, she would have times of being almost completely paralyzed. She really suffered trauma later in her life.

When her father died she was standing over his coffin and talking to him as she blamed his death on her confronting him, and she looked at his hands and noticed that his middle fingernail was trimmed shorter than the others so to her, this was a sign he had continued to molest young girls until the day he died.

Does reading about others molestation trigger you? I was reading Michelle Weldon's book and had to put it down because my chest got tight and started to hurt.

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#74498 - 02/25/06 05:35 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Sue William Silverman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Michigan
That's a powerful story about Marilyn Van Derbur and her father's death.

You know, it's been a long time since I've read a memoir about incest or child abuse. Mainly, that's just because I have so much reading that I've got to do for teaching...and reading student work, too. But, yes, in the past, I frequently have had similar reactions as yours. I can understand this. Sue

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#74499 - 02/27/06 08:29 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi. I'd like to jump in regarding lawsuits. When I was writing TEARS I consulted a lawyer. What I learned was that perpetrator's have rights. If they have not been convicted, then they cannot be named in the memoir or the author is subject to lawsuit. In other words, even if the victim knows and the perpetrator knows, the perp has to be protected if there has been no conviction. Even an arrest does not count; it has to be a conviction. I have not read an incest memoir that is vengeful yet. Most of the memoirs are written to to break the silence. I am reading "Leaving the Saints" by Martha Beck. She weaves the themes of religious abuse with sexual abuse in her highly regarded Mormon family. In Beck's case, she has an entire religion retaliating aginst her writing!

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#74500 - 02/27/06 09:09 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Sue William Silverman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Michigan
This is very interesting Lynn. You know, since my father (and mother) died before I even began writing my first memoir, this isn’t something that I looked into. But it’s an important distinction to know about…and very sad that perpetrators have such strong “rights” in this regard. So does this mean that you just can’t use their names? I mean, could you, say, use the word “father” if you don’t use their names? Or how do you get around this?

Though neither I nor my publisher consulted an attorney with the first memoir, I did have to talk to the Norton attorney with the second, and she “strongly suggested” that I change all sorts of odd things such as, for example, the name of the motel in the Georgia sections. I just found that so bizarre, but I didn’t have a choice.

But you make a good point that it’s better to check with an attorney before publication, if you’re unsure of anything…and not wait until after the fact! Sue

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#74501 - 02/28/06 08:05 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Sue, that's right, you can't name names. I mean, you can, but you (the author) open yourself to suits. I was flabbergasted by this. Yes, you could use the word "father." An editor was annoyed that I'd gone the entire first without giving my father a name. He was referred to as "my father" or by others as "your father." This reference happens to be real in my family, as no one wants to say his name even when talking about him! so I settled upon a ficticious name. Yes, I too renamed nearly everyone except for the counselor(s) Karen because I had thier permission. In victim advocacy work, I've discovered that perps have more rights than victims! And, the perps know their rights, where as the victims do not know their rights until they come to an advocate for help. It's a backwards world sometimes.

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#74502 - 02/28/06 06:27 PM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Sue William Silverman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Michigan
It is, indeed, a backwards world! And in the legal area of the publishing business, not just in terms of perpetrators, either. The lawyer made me change my husband's name in Love Sick, even though I'd used his real name in the first book. Ditto for my therapist's name. Ironically, my therapist wanted me to use his REAL name, but the attorney wouldn't let me! Go figure. And in terms of fathers the law doesn't make any sense; I mean, if we, as authors, are using our real names, then it's going to be clear who are fathers are anyway. You're right, Lynn, these laws are all backwards.

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#74503 - 03/01/06 02:27 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Sue William Silverman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 71
Loc: Michigan
Hi, all, as the month draws to a close, I just want to thank all of you for participating in this forum, sharing your ideas and stories. I'm truly appreciative to have had this opportunity to spend some time with you in this meaningful way. I've enjoyed this a great deal. Of course, I'm not signing off for good! In fact will check back later today. But I do want to say "thank you" for now! Sue

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#74504 - 03/01/06 04:10 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Sue,
The gift we've received has been your presence here among the boomers. You've been so faithful to all, answering questions right and left, never leaving anyone hanging on for an answer. Such diligence! Even though some of us may not have posted as much as others, never think for one minute we weren't soaking up every post in this section.

You have been such a joy to have here. To say you are admired would be an understatement. Please do stay with us when you can, and join in conversations when they suit you and your schedule. We have absolutely LOVED having you here.

May God go with you,

Your friend, JJ

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#74505 - 03/01/06 04:11 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Sue, thank you for being here. The good part is that your thread as featured author will be archived. So whenever I want to get to your wisdom, I can just click! Have you considered writing a guide for writers on Metaphor? anyway, I know you and I will see each other again. Love & Light always, Lynn

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#74506 - 03/01/06 04:30 AM Re: Because I Remember Terror 'Father' I Remember You, Sue Silverman
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I'm truly a fan of yours and it's been a pleasure reading your very wise words. I'll work on those exercises!

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