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#73036 - 04/27/05 04:29 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
I promised a post on forgiveness. In the following paragraphs, I am talking about forgiveness. If you have not read the book, both my father and my older brother molested me. I was emotionally numb for years, or so emotionally charged that I was a flying bullet, about to shoot myself. At some later point in recovery, feelings of forgiveness slowly surfaced. In “The Courage to Heal” a seminal book on the topic of adults sexually abused as children, the authors claim that forgiveness is not necessary for the victim’s healing. Sexual crimes are too heinous to be universally forgivable. Why does the law put “rape and murder” together? Because rape is soul murder. The body may survive, but the mind and soul may be destroyed. So, forgiveness is personal and individual. At another point in recovery, I had forgiven my brother, but could not talk to him without being “triggered” into feeling victimized again. In the following exchange, my mother is arguing with me because I could not talk to my brother at that time (this was just a couple of years ago.) She was judging my forgiveness! I also thought that she might feel on some level that if I gave a blanket forgiveness statement to her in regards to my brother, then she too would feel forgiven for not being there to protect me. A year ago, my 98 year old grandmother was hovering between life and death, and I was her caretaker for a couple of weeks. She said, “Forgive him, [my brother] he didn’t know what he was doing.” She said, “Forgive me, I tried to protect you.” It was a poignant and meaningful chance (not chance, divine intervention that I was there with her!) to let her rest in peace with forgiveness. I told her in truth that I already had. Nothing, and she said “nothing” could make her happier than to see my brother and me together again as friends. I did not forgive for him, or her, or anyone but myself and my God. I’ve had emails from readers who question forgiveness, and wonder how I could forgive my brother and father. They say that I am minimizing the manifestations of abuse by deeming molestation a forgivable act. Not so! What’s in my heart in no way minimizes abuse. What are your thoughts about forgiveness? From the book:
****I felt forgiveness in the shape of a broken heart mended by compassion. Unseen, unspoken compassion was not enough salve for my mother’s wounds. When I told her how much compassion I had not only for my father but also for my brother, she said: “You will never be completely healed unless you fully forgive your brother for what happened.”
“Something didn’t just happen like an accidental, unforeseen fender-bender on the freeway. Eric used force. You can’t force forgiveness on me. But tell me, Mom, exactly how do you want forgiveness to look?”****

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#73037 - 04/27/05 04:33 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
I also promised posts on the lighter side. Who wants to talk about Go-Go boots, The Mod Squad, Hullabaloo? Sonny & Cher, The Beatles, The Dave Clark Five, Mick Jagger, fish net stockings, mini skirts, Slinkies, Hula Hoops... How many of you wore your hair in a flip? Parted down the middle? Who remembers Twiggy? Phones with cords? Black & White TVs without remotes?

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#73038 - 04/27/05 06:32 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Black & White TVs without remotes

We gave our old (colour) TV without remote to hubby's daughter a few years ago. Now when we go to visit her, I can't believe what a pain it is not to have the remote!

Go-Go boots: wasn't allowed to wear them; same with mini skirts; but red corduroy pants were okay! You know, the types that squish when you walk? Yeah, put those memories right up there with the worm ones!

The Mod Squad: me and my fellow Jesus freaks called ourselves the "God Squad";
Twiggy: my nickname at summer camp was Twigs; and my hair went all the way past my bum;
Slinkies: I still give them as Christmas gifts; I liked the ad jingle almost more than the slinky itself;
Hula Hoops: sigh, what lovely memories, along with Double Dutch skipping and midnight tag (why was I allowed to play that but not wear go-go boots?!)

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#73039 - 04/27/05 07:20 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Eagle, yeah, my mother and I got into a big fight over Go-Go boots. She wanted to get me a cheap imitation, but I wanted the real thing, of course. Now I wonder why I even cared to be trendy. "But Mom, EVERYBODY is wearing them!" The same with mini skirts. I wasn't even allowed to wear jeans, but now I live in them. When are we too old to wear jeans? If ever? I think I need a little elastic in the waist. Yeah, what were you doing out at midnight?

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#73040 - 04/28/05 12:19 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
You'll laugh but I still have my go go boots in my closet....No mini skirtshowever I have that terrible disease, flabby thighs, lol. Wore the Marlo Thomas, That Girl flip for years. Hated black and white TV and still am amazed at the color on my big 50" screen. Humm, maybe if I didn't have a remote, I wouldn't have these thighs? Loved Sonny and Cher. I believe we are not now and never will be too old to wear jeans..I am a demin darling for life....About forgiveness, I forgive because to do so makes me feel better, lighter, free'r somehow. I may not forget but try to forgive... [Wink] The town I live in is just waking up at midnight, party!!

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#73041 - 04/28/05 12:32 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
How about Princess Phones? Thought they were so cool. I wore my hair in a flip, parted down the middle and ratted of course! Also, black eyeliner and white lipstick. What were we thinking? And, back then, we only washed and rolled our hair once a week. How gross. It was so caked with hairspray and gunk but that was the thing. No blow dryers back then. And yes, we did have electricity!!!!!!!!!

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#73042 - 04/28/05 07:08 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Chatty, that's true about Vegas: the city that never sleeps. I'm glad to meet another denim darling. I wish I had all those mod clothes from the 60s and 70s because they would be vintage. I suppose I could see them recycled on ebay. And, I don't forget. My memory has been both a blessing and a curse. I am slipping up on the short term details lately. I had a Dorothy Hamill hair style for a while. Thanks for posting, Chatty!

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#73043 - 04/28/05 07:11 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Hi Dianne, I remember the salon style blow dryers. I washed my hair every day. It reeked all right, of marijuana! I was thrilled when Herbal Essence hit the market because I thought it was so earthy. As a so-called flower child, it seemed like the right thing to do for the environment. I do remember bee hives, and how they never got washed. I also remember Princess Phones. We were cool teens if we got our own phone in our room. Dianne, I have you pictured as a brunette, right?

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#73044 - 04/28/05 08:10 AM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
As of May 1, I am going to be focused on my next project, which is a memoir about breast cancer. I will have to be completely immersed in the topic. Of course, I will continue to break the silence of abuse in all its forms, and advocate for victims. But I have to eliminate some of book writing stalling tactics, such as watching all the Law & Order series, cruising web sites, etc. The only web site I will keep in my favorites is Boomerwomen!

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#73045 - 04/28/05 03:14 PM Re: Lynn Tolson, Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor's Story
unique Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 483
Loc: North Carolina
Hey Lynn,

I have one more question for you.

Do you think court ordered programs for abusers do any good?

In my personal experience, the physical violence stopped, but the abuse didn't. It just pushed it underground and it manifested in other ways, ie. emotional, verbal, psychological, etc.

What do you think?

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