Well, after I finished venting, I re-read this and figured it was a bit too long...but, then my HEART ACHE made me continue posting...

Ladies, you be the judge. Does this post belong in the Mental Illness Forum?

I’ll try to keep this ‘singlehood’ plight as inexplicit as possible. Here goes…

Almost one year to date after a breakup with one of the most unique men I’ve ever had the displeasure of loving, I ran into an acquaintance of yet another old old flame. Mind you, the year before that, I had just left a 10yr plus relationship that was not conducive to much love, therefore, ended pretty abruptly to say the least. (That story was posted in “Faith Journey” just a while ago. It will also be posted on Toni’s site soon. SMILE!)

I gave our mutual acquaintance my phone number to give to “Lance.” He called that very evening and we made plans to see each other the weekend. The weekend came and how lovely it was. We caught up on old times, the good and the bad. We both had aged and grown since our last encounter. He’d just come out of a terrible situation that left him prepared for growth. I too had been through a series of emotional roll-a-coasters.

My career was in its prime at a top fortune 100 company and he was working at a job that had room for growth. We would only meet on the weekends at my place while my children were with their father, or just away. We shared our favorite music. He told me that through out the years we hadn’t seen each other, he always thought of me when a specific songstress came on the radio or otherwise. We, of course, would listen to her music with candle light dinners, drinks and mega conversations, laughs that ultimately ended up in CARNAL BLISS.

Carnal bliss? Yeah, funny that I mentioned that huh? Well, to cut straight to the chase so that you all can determine if this is indeed a MENTAL ILLNESS POST, no time will I waste. Since I’d been married since I was 17, divorced from him at 23 and re-involved for 10 more years with someone else, I had of course, had my share of sex. BUT, also since I’d been sexually abused as a child, I was a bit fridged. Of course there were good times in that department, but, for the most part, I faked. I thought that was the ‘dutiful’ thing to do.

Well, that was until Mr. Lance came along. I’d always thought that ‘it’ was so overrated! Never, ever in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that ‘it’ could be so blissful. I’m talkin’ explosive, convulsive ecstasy here. I was stunned into believing that our lust must’ve meant love since NO ONE ELSE had ever made me feel that way. All too soon my lips, no, our lips confessed love.

‘Lance’ and I started having monetary issues. He was concerned that I was spending when it should be the man’s position. Well, I had the better job, at that point, and did not mind. No major purchases were involved…basic things like our dinner and wine/beer and new music and movies for our weekend rendezvous. He got a raise! He started providing these things. Great, huh? NOT! He didn’t get that much of a raise. He gave himself an ‘illegal’ raise!

Suddenly he had a nice car, clothes and a few other purchases that I was really happy for him to have since ‘me’ spending was making him feel less than a man. This relationship continued for a year straight…sweet and certainly blissful. He had stopped coming around as often but I attributed it to his extra responsibilities with his new position/raise. Silly, naïve me.

Well, there were two things I didn’t take into consideration: His illegal activity and his new extra woman! All too soon, the Feds caught up with him and the cat was out of the bag. He went ‘away’ for 3yrs! Since I had never ever in life dealt with such kind of man and he had been ‘busted’ with another, I tried my best not to love him. I told him that we could still be friends and continued to communicate with him and even visited him in his new federal home, occasionally.

He changed the subject of friendship on me. He started discussing marriage and how sorry he was for hurting me. Like a woman in love will do, I forgave him. As ‘socially embarrassing’ as it was to be affiliated with such a man, I made plans anew for us. I dismissed what people had to say. I truly believed ‘we’ could make it through those, now 2yrs, to freedom.

I became his psycho-therapist/lover. We discussed what made him do this illegal act that landed him there. I guess he laid the guilt trip on me when he said that he only wanted to be able to do the things for me that I was accustomed to a man doing (since he was a family acquaintance, he knew the financial status of my ex). How sweet, huh? Only now I need a therapist/lover to mend me back together.

I started feeding his narrow mind with books that offered food for thought…provocative business ideas… news worthy clippings on societal issues…letters not only confessing love, but great examples of the ‘hows’ and the ‘whys’ so many people, especially men like him, were turning to illegal means of economic survival.

I was actively trying to reshape an ‘embedded pattern,’ unbeknownst to me. He always responded in AWE. Like he’d never looked at it that way and our letters became messages with great substance. I was proud of his changes. I had helped build a man. I knew that God was not done with him yet, but neither was He with me. I thought we’d grow together. I thought that my man would come home strong and with a different perspective of life’s worth. I made the decision to stick by my man’s side, better or for worse. My man? Did I say that?

Let me end this now before my eye faucet starts as I recap these painful moments. Just one more point, Ok? If you’ve made it down this far, please forgive me for painting the entire canvas but I just had to ask this. Before anyone could give me an answer, I believed you needed to know where my heart has been and STILL is.

Continued here since this is so lengthy:

When he came home, I reintroduced him into a whole new world where there was no need for illegal supplementary income. Of course, we resumed the explosive carnal encounters to an even higher degree since he now ‘lived’ with me. Not a day passed that we weren’t wrapped in each other’s arms. So, it surely came as a surprise when he decided that ‘our life’ was boring or not what he is ‘accustomed’ to. All too soon, he started hanging out and drinking. Then, he decided that he wanted to go back to a life more familiar. Soon I found that he was ‘living’ with another woman.

HURT! CRYING! PAIN! FOR MONTHS and SOME MORE. HE CAME BACK. I ACCEPTED HIM. OH NO!

It didn’t matter WHO I dated, I only thought of ‘Lance.’ So, when he graced me with his egotistical reappearance, I was weakened with the agony of missing him. I opened my door, carefully though. He knew this and charmed his way back inside of me, in all ways….leave that up to imagination. Six months later, he’s back at his ‘ways.’

That was December 2003 when he left with the rest of my heart. This is eight months later and here I sit comtemplating our reunion. I have dated and dated, trying to get my mind off of this man. I simply cant. My feelings wont go away. I’ve heard it said, ‘No pain, no gain.” Is this just tooooo much? Or, am I living in a fairytale world where things SHOULD go perfectly smooth?

How many chances or rope do you give a man? I have no idea. All I know is that I still love him, or is this lust? When I re-open my heart’s door, I am miserable believing that he will hurt me again so I never fully get comfortable. When he’s gone, I am sweltering in passion's holocaust cause I only want him, his touch. How will I ever be able to genuinely date another with him stuck so deep inside my heart? With or without him, I am hurt, sad and ultimately LONELY.

Sugaree

Sugaree, my two cents...if this should be in the mental illness forum it would be for his sake, not yours.

Please don't see him again. If someone loved you so much they wouldn't continually hurt you the way he has. You my dear have done EVERYTHING imaginable to change this man and he can only live with temporary change until he slips baack to his old ways.

You deserve better. Please work at moving on.

I hope this doesn't sound too strong but you've put your heart and soul in this guy and it isn't staying with him until he's in need of your loving, caring, compassionate ways AGAIN!

I'm sorry you are so lonely. What are you doing to fill that loneliness. Maybe we can help you out there...give you some suggestions on how to go about it...

Sugaree, having been where you are and having written a book about being there, and having researched brain physiology for what seems like forever, I believe you may be enduring something that I have also endured. I believe I was addicted to my own endorphins. Maybe you are also. Endorphins are the morphine/heroin like substances secreted by the brain in response to pleasurable experiences.

I posted about it elsewhere on here a topic about abused women. I think women who persistently find and stay in abusive relationships are addicted to their own endorphins. It sounds as if this man is abusing your emotions which can be as destrucive as physical abuse. It is as confusing as sexual abuse because it feels good on some level at the same time it feels bad.

The rush of endorphins that occur when this guy returns after having left is similar to what occurs after a man abuses a woman then is repentant. Your own endorphins suppressed by pain for a while become much stronger and are released in greater amounts when the pain subsides. Endorphins are extremely addictive and when they are rushing through your body, they definitely stimulate feeling of lust and passion which feels very much like love. They also give us feelings of power which might feel like the power of love. You may persistently put yourself in situations of pain to suppress your endorphins unconsicously konwing that when the pain subsides, the rush will be greater.

Endorphins stimulate sexual passion which can be the beginning of love, but it is not always love. It may be merely lust. Only if it will wait and is sustained over time can it become love.
If this man's passion comes from love, he will wait. He will wait forever if it is real. So will you. If he is unwilling to wait. If he is unkind, get away from him forever. Passion is a wonderful thing, but love is the best and most wonderful thing of all. You need and deserve it. Sex without it is just sex. Sex with it is wonderful. You deserve both and this man may be keeping you from the blessings you deserve.
smile

[ July 24, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. You are better off to dump the guy and close yourmind against him. He is destrucive and detrimental to your mental health. I KNOW, I have been there, it is like an addiction that can't be satisfied.

THere will be someone for you. I found themost wonderful man on earth and we have been married now for 11 years. I had decided after being in an emotionally abusive marriage for 24 years, and then that stupid interlude with the other guy, my husband Steve as a God send and truly saved my sanity.

Sherri

Oh Sugaree, I am by far not one to give advice on relationships, but if you feel you are a mental case then heaven help us all. To say that your relationship was based on lust would not be a fair assumption, but I can relate to it in some way. Not too long ago I entered a new topic in regard to a relationship I had with a man, and when it ended, I felt like nothing mattered anymore. I too, felt like a mental case and I desperately wanted the pain to end so badly that I almost took my own life. The hardest thing for me to accept was the fact that not only did I put my all into this relationship, for the first time in my life, I experienced sex that filled me up. I had also been molested as a child and raped later in life. So, when I experienced sex in a way that I never felt possible, it had to be love. The last 3 mos. of our relationship, we did not have sex at all. I can't begin to know what he was going through or why he ended our relationship. He never told me, just moved on to the next woman as he has always done in the past. It wouldn't be honest of me to say to you that I'm OK now, because I'm not. I have a long way to go. But one thing I know is true, you did not deserve to be treated so cruely, and that is not love. You gave 100+% to this relationship and in doing so abandoned yourself. There are many men out there who prey on women who are not afraid to give. He is the sick one, not you. You now know that it is within you to have a truely fulfilling sexual relationship, despite your childhood abuse. Look at yourself as your own very best and dearest friend and the precious child of a loving God. You deserve a man who wants to share all life has to offer with you, good and bad. Please read the wonderful posts that women such as yourself left me with. Some are humorous, and some brought me to tears, but they are all filled with compassion and a valuable truth. My topic was "When a Relationship Ends" and it is under "Friends Heal Friends".

P.S. JawJaw..can you please send Gweedo this woman's way?!!

Shugie,

Run, do not walk, as fast as you can from "Lance".
Do not talk to him, open the door to him, answer the phone if it is him, open any mail from him...stay as far away as you can!!

You need time to grieve, to heal up and move on.

I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry that he took advantage of your love. And I am so sorry that you are feeling like a nut basket, mental case. You have just been emotionally beat up so you have a good excuse for being so mentally confused, and hurt.

Wish I lived closer...where do you live anyways? We could get together and go out to the movies, dinner, the coast, shopping, lunch, any old thing to keep you occupied and help you get through this. (Oooh! We could ride the ferry to SF. I love that.)

I understand the obsessing you are experiencing, and I don't envy you having to work through this.

I will be praying for you because it has been my experience that God hears my prayers (okay,not just mine) and answers them and it sounds like you could use some ministering angels soothing your heart and spirit right about now, and some warfaring angels fighting on your behalf! Oh yeah!

Hugs,
Lala

Do I sense a common thread? I also was molested as a child.

Sugaree,

I have to agree with the above women. I, too, have been there, done that, and it hurts like heck!

I believe you made an excellent point about the 'abuse' and how it affects your adult life. I was abused sexually in my 20's and it affected my other relationships with men and sometimes it still affects my relationship with my husband.

I believe that some of it 'is' mental because the relationship and abuse is so personal and, in my opinion, Freudian. What happens in our youth, does affect our adult years because our minds and bodies are still forming and growing.

Like the above ladies mentioned, dump him--for he will only continue to hurt and use you. You deserve better. You can conquer the obsessive thoughts with God's help. I can say this because God brought me through several 'awful' times with men.

Keep us posted as to how it goes and know that we care about you...

Oh my goodness! Thanks for letting me know that I'm not a basket case with this situation. Such input sure does help. I would like to say that I'm glad that you all understand, but thats almost like saying that I'm glad you endured such painful moments too. I'm not, but, since you have and were women enough to share so that I wouldn't feel so alone in this, THANK YOU.

It feels like I'm loosing it becasue I know that I should run, not answer calls, mail like Lala put it.

I know that I should close my mind like Sherry says...

...Smile, morphine has a reputation of taking it's patient/victim far away to lala land...that's where Lance took me. I guess youre right. My own endorphines are doing this cause in MY right mind, I wouldn't even consider him again and want to kick my own tail for going there in the first place.

Peggey, I know from the post in Friends Heal Friends that you know this passion holocaust.

Dots, I am doing many things to combat this lonely feeling, but none that really matters. I went to a Champagne brunch today. It was nice. I enjoyed the conversations, the flirts...Lance was still stuck in my mind as one gentleman? joined me to chat. He talked a real good game. He was married w/problems! Who believes these idiots? Is that supposed to be how they 'rap' these days, telling their prospective conquests that they are having marital problem? This community is so small that it turns out that I knew his wife! His last name is different so I asked him if he knew 'Betty' with his last name. He admitted that she was his wife then continued to come on to me! What a jerk!

Once upon a time, a woman that 'Lance' was 'with' called me! She said, "Oh, you're the Sheree that Lance is always refering to." As much as that hurt and as sick as this sounds, that made me feel 'good' to know that I too was on his mind. Shortly afterwards, he called to apologize for that and we started up 'other' plans. Nothing ever came of that cause see, the woman was so pissed at him for talking to me that they got into it. He HIT her, from what I've heard, very hard which landed him in jail for domestic abuse. I guess the reason I thinking I have serious mental issues is that I've somehow rationalized that he never hit me and for some dumb reason, think that he wouldnt ever. Ha! I do know better than that, but, my silly heart wont listen.

It's almost like my heart is premeditating to let him come here...by really wanting him to call, despite my much better judgement to get my 'endorphin' fix..LOL-Smile- dont you laugh

Toni and Sherri, I'm sorry that you both have had the misfortunes of sexual deviants. That really does affect how/what our adult healthy sex life will be like. I'm going to ask Smile for her info on the endorphine rush for this. This is just out of control madness to even be considering this. But, like I mentioned, no one had ever taken me to the plateau and my mind as well as body got the signals all confused.

What's even funnier is that when I confessed love to him 'out of bed' one time, he looked at me real strange then said, "Oh, you've got it confused." I argued with him that I didn't. I argued my point that I was comfortable with him since we've known each other forever and our families already know one another and WHEW! the list went on. He still had that smurky look. I guess he should have known since he's probably done this to many women. It's just so hard to believe that he could have faked loving me the way he did.

Before we 'did it' the first time, he'd told me that he hadn't in about six mos. It had been a year for me. We 'did it' ELEVEN TIMES that eve til morning, with only a snack and water break!

So, Smile, I guess my poor body had an overdose of endorphines!

Toni, you know the funny thing about this situation? This was one year after my Signals from God incidents. I actually knew better! But, my plans were to marry him so to make it right. I though I was still in Gods arms but somehow satin had slipped in on me. I really thought, based on all the other incidents, that Lance was a part of the glorious picture. But, in hindsight, I think about all of the 'red' lights that I ignored.

Sugaree

Sugaree, been there. Done that. I guess everyone thinks this physiology stuff is goofy, but we are physiological/physical being first and it affects everything we do.
Physiologically speaking, the more you tell yourself you can't/shouldn't have this man, the more intensely you will desire him.
They can now track the electrical impulses of emotions in the brain and when people know that they shouldn't have something, the desire for it increases. Maybe that is the inpetus for extramarital affairs. ??

Scientists have studied that whole concept and diagramed the electrical impulses as they occur at the synapse. Way too complicated for here. Another endorphin thing.
Also, recent studies of monkey offspring has contracicted the previous belief that female monkeys only mated within their social groups, Now that they have DNA, they have discovere that female monkeys primarily mate with socially unacceptable males from inferior social groups.
In other words those female monkeys have been fooling around with the rogues all this time. Intersting huh. Just like humans. I guess it's born in us.
However, if we can love ourselves enough to control those destructive impulses, we can have both the rush of passion and the joy of love. God is love and if He loves us, maybe we can love ourselves. And if we love ourselves, we won't let anyone abuse us.
smile

So, Smile, you're saying that I am fighting a 'mankind and lifelong' problem here that even Eve, the mother of mankind, could not resist; TEMPTATION?

Now this really sounds like a loosing battle...even momkeys cant control themselve when it comes to 'jungle loving.' ??? Is that it? Did I break it down correctly? Is this what you are saying, Smile?

Sugaree

I don't think it's a question of whether the monkeys couldn't control themselves. Monkeys don't have control issues with "should"s and "shouldn't"s. They just do what they do because they want to. And because they mate with monkeys from a lower social strata, doesn't mean the relationship is destructive.

You, on the other hand, are in a destructive relationship. I agree with the other posts here. You're addicted because you think that if you leave him, you'll never have great sex again.

Wrong.

Ok, so I have monkey (primative behaviours) and am also a sex addict? LOL. That's too much!

I think I will go with the fact that I'd just married my husband at 17 to get out of the frying pan, but ended up in the kettle, which was also a familiar place since the common denominator her is/was 'heat' in the first place. I jumped out of that kettle thinking that a woman is SUPPOSED to be with a man, into the arms of another satin follower from there because I didnt wait on God to send me the right path in the first place.

I finally was alone, too alone, relaxed and had time to think as I courted Lance. Lance knew my familiar ties and too advantage of my vulnerable state of mind which was pretty laxed with him because I thought we were friends before lovers and he'd never intentionally hurt me.

Instead, his ego got the best of him since he'd never had a woman like me to feel the way I did...working his testosterone to the max (ego, again) and figured he'd play with it, no matter how he or I felt. See, there was no possible way he faked all of those emotions. He was with me much too much and was extremely sensitive to my 'touches' as well. There was not a day that he approached my door w/o a 'prize' pertruding which indicated that the chemistry was mutual...

I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that he really did love me but was too confused with all that happened and just lost control. He really did call me when he was going to be late. I actually did hear his buddies in the background laughing that he was 'henpecked' and other terms of weakness as they refered to his and my relationship. I think he was just accustomed to being in control and had to prove a childish point. He had to show them that a cake could be eaten and had simulteaneously (spellchecker please!).

Maybe it's just late and I really want to believe what I fantasize him saying to me when I answer the call that I really should ignore...

Help, I'm falling, again.

Hmm, I sure had lots of mispelled words up there. I guess I was too excited in trying to fool me, again, as I typed. Sorry.

What I am trying to say is that the more you try to control your emotions, the stronger they become. Sadness, and physical attraction are prime examples. The harder you fight feelings of sadness, the more painful they become. The harder you fight the physical desire for sex, the stronger that desire becomes. Your fight against it can make it so strong that your mind misinterprets it as love.

If you truly want to control your emotions and your urges, you should not try to suppress them but relax into them knowing that they are a part of what God has created in you. If you can accept them for what they are you can experience them in the moment. Even feelings of sadness, can be blessings if you know that you are safe in the hands of God and that all things work together for those who love the Lord and are call to His purpose.
Sometimes we react to physical desire by having sex, not to iincrease the pleasure, but to end the feeling. If we distrust our feelings, and if we distrust our God, we must end feelings, even feelings of pleasure. The impulse to extinguish feelings must be especially strong in adults who have been sexually abused as children because sexual pleasure must have been confused by the pain of shame. Physiologically speaking, the neurons may have established disrupted patterns which will continue to misfire unless somehow corrected. I personally believe only the power of God can correct a disrupted life.

If we fear our own feelings so much that we must end them by reacting in ways that we know to be destructive, then we are not in control at all, but we are being controlled.
But if we relax into the moment, accept the feelings for the blessings that they are, and experience them without fear we can enjoy them for the moment. If we stop attempting to sever our sadnesses, our urges, and our emotions we can move on to the love which God intends for us.

Of course you must bear in mind that this advice comes from a woman who married a guy a little over a year ago simply for sex. Yep. I admit it. We talked about it yesterday and we both agreed. It was sex that forced us to elope only a couple weeks after we met.
We were totally sex crazed and I had made a promise to God to never again have sex outside marriage. The promist came about one day when I was hurt and praying, I'm sure I heard God tell me that I was hurting myself by giving my body away. It strengthened me and I promised God to stop hurting His child (me) by doing things that I knew would hurt me.
When I met Dan I was afraid not to keep a promise to God and Dan respected that so marriage was the only option. We eloped.
We are getting to know each other physically, mentally and emotionally and we're doing it inside the marriage. I think we already knew each other spiritually.
So far, the desire increases daily and though I'm half afraid to speculate, I think it is turning to real love. Of course I think time is what determines if love is real so only time can tell.
smile

[ July 25, 2004, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Oh Smile! You do understand! I didn't know if I wanted to cry or simply smile when I read your last post.

|This portion of what you [Smile] said, "The impulse to extinguish feelings must be especially strong in adults who have been sexually abused as children because sexual pleasure must have been confused by the pain of shame."|

When I married, at 17, it was out of the shame of me having premarital sex. No one had told me that these were natural urges. Each time I did it, I recall getting the same shameful feelings after my abuser. I was 6 when that shame started. That's why I didn't understand why I was purposely doing this 'horrible' thing. When I married, it felt ok. But all too soon, he became an abuser in my life too. THese folk were really trying to drive me mad huh? I started feeling the guilt of sex again, even within my marriage. I was go and sit on the edge of the tub, like I would after my abuser, and cry. Of course I realized this pattern later during therapy. Now, since you've put it this way, it really makes sense. That's why I was not sure if I wanted to cry or smile, Smile.

I'm happy for you that you're able to release these feelings within the confines of a marriage blessed by God. That must be such a good feeling to grow with your husband as you both get to know each other, increasing natural feelings.

Thank you for sharing this perspective with me. It really has shined a brighter light into this situation. My neighbor's comment had opened up a real can of worms for me. He made me feel that guilt, even though I was not doing anything to warrant that kind of scrutiny. A loose woman was no where near who I am, but for him to speculate that almost crushed me. I guess it was because of past issues. Not even to say that I am completely on the straight and narrow, but certainly not the way he, or maybe even other neighbors since he did, are possibly thinking. I did say to him that I'm probably the most undersexed woman on this block. I said it as I joked with him, but beneath that statement, there was hurt.

Sugaree

Knowing a little about brain physiology helps me understand and accept my own feelings. Knowing that what I am experiencing is a part of how God has made me helps me accept my own emotions more easily. I hope it will help you to know what you are feeling is nothing to fear, but a reason to rejoice.

I cannot truly understand the pain of child sexual abuse, because I have not experienced it, but I can identify with being married young. I was married at 17 which for me was to avoid premrital sex. Sex for me was always a joy until a couple of years ago when a man I thought was a friend tried to rape me. I somehow fought him off, but it made me so ashamed. I blamed myself. I even felt guilty for wearing a shell top and shorts. It was crazy.
As a result of that pain though, I experienced God's love in a whole new way. While I was recovering from that experience I heard God's voice. I absolutely heard him saying that I was his child and he loved me. He said he wanted me to stop hurting his child, myself.
His voice was as plain as day and I realized that I really was hurting myself. I was attempting to be intimate with a man outside marriage and it was not who I was. I was raised in a church by a strict mother and it simply was not who I was and I didn't want it to be what I had become.
I promised God right then and there not to have sex outside marriage ever again. I just suddenly knew that God would be there for me and even if I was alone I would never be lonely. I felt it in my heart as a promise from God.
I kept my promise to God and he kept his to me. I dated after that, a lot, but sex was no longer an issue. I made my position clear up front and guess what? It made me more attractive to men and I had more dates and more fun than ever.
Then I met Dan and boy was sex ever an issue again. But God protected me from myself and we were married when we at last came together and it was in love.

I have no answers and through my life, it seems as if every time I think I've got things figured out, something happens to prove me wrong. That knowledge is always looming out there in the recesses of my mind, but I'm determined to enjoy the moments while they are here safe in the knowledge that I am God's child so he wants the best for me.
You are his child also and He wants the best for you too.
smile

Let's get this straight. "Protruding prizes" do not equal love.

You do need some time off, my dear! I have a dear friend I went to lunch with today. She is divorced and a wonderful, very horny person....bad combo. She really feels that she needs at least a year off from men to just find out who she is. She married very young and never had an opportunity to discover who she is. It is really hard for her because she is a very sexual person. I was telling her about my new nighties, etc. I had purchased (sexy ones) and she said, "please! Don't even tell me right now! I can't handle it" She wants to concentrate on her relationship with God and find out who she is and what hobbies she likes, etc.
You need a break and a constructive hobby. And you, like my friend Gwen, need to discover who you really are without the distraction of a man hovering around and taking the edge off of what you NEED to feel and discover. Sometimes feelings of loneliness, pain, frustration, etc. illuminate areas we need healing in. Let the emotions surface and deal with each area as they come up. It may take a while, but you will be glad you did. And, Sugaree, listen to your kids about going back to church. Find out what God's word says about stuff, spend time in God's presence. Let Him heal you up.

Sugaree,
I didn't mean to come across so harshly. I re-read my post..yes I did preview it...and thought it may sound just a little hard. I didn't mean it that way. I agree with smilin. But, do take time off to discover who you are and what you really like.

Lala, I heard you loud and very clear. Although it feels or seems like I'm the only one in the world right now tied up in such a twisted love knot, through the posts, I learned that many have had to deal with these passion holocausts. It's just that I believed everything was right...it sure felt right, of course, with the exception of the semi rough start. But, hey, you and every one else is right. Just leave it alone and continue to live and learn. This time, I will be sure to wait for my signal from God that the next man is for me. I really thought I had then though. That's why this is so hard.

I guess like any other hardship, it will get better with time. I'm just going to continue to pray for His strength in keeping the emotional side of me from allowing his luring prize tactics back into my heart and inevitably, my bed.

You didn't come off too hard, kinda, but sometimes the loud voice is heard over the subtle ones. Smile really did shine a brighter light on how I'd gotten so wrapped up in this rotten man's lust thinking it was love.

Sugaree

Sugaree,
I forgot the other physiological factor that works against us at this delightful time in life. It's our hormones.
Somewhere around menopause, there is a surge of testosterone that can make us insanely sexual. The duration seems to vary. Hopefully it won't last long if that is what is affecting you now.

Maybe if it is hormonal, you can survive until your hormones slow down enough to allow you to think more clearly.
Just a thought.
smile

Oh yeah, I forgot about that too. My goodness. How do you fight that? Guess I'll have to just go with that flow of things there huh? However, it is probably just him, the way he is/was and those other factors and the fact that no other has ever made me feel like that. But then, no other has hurt me so badly either. When I was with him, I just felt so deprived of the joys of sex since I'd never felt like that. Like I said, I always thought that sex was just over-rated until 'Lance.'

Oh well, my dreams will have to suffice...

Sugaree

I can testify to the fact that hormones are totally haywire during menopause. THat happened to me with my "insane" episode. I used to say, "If I see a (certain car) with two people in it, then it will be a sign from God that our relationship is right. I would see what I was looking for and think all would be well. I was fooling myself, and not really listening to God at all. Just to my sex-starved, loved starved, emotion starved body! I know, I have been there.

Sherri

Sugaree, I have more experience with this type of worm/man than anyone. I've stroked the ego of thousands, (yes thousands) of these losers for years as their phone sex confidant. I, like the other women here am not so gentle with my advice. He is a worm, a selfish over-sexed maggot that knew your weakness and took full advantage. You on the other hand have become a sex addict as well and are trying your best to make it sound like something it is not. Nothing will ever change with this con man, nothing...Move on, pick up your marbels and go home. Buy a good vibrator if need be but run far and fast from this creep. This same type of asshole use to call me and brag about women like you, nice, good women looking for love and finding hot SEX, something they weren't use to....these men laughed at the women they talked about. Be happy he didn't give you something permanent, like HIV.....The truth isn't always nice and usually not pretty...sorry about that!

Oh Chatty! Is it like that? Do they really? They are some real good actors. Silly me. Well, you've made a valid point. I was blessed to get out without a fatal desease of a sort.

Today was not so bad as I revisited all the posts on this subject that now seems soooo stupid for me to be agonizing on. What a nutcase huh?

Thanks for bluntness. That's perfectly fine with me and well deserved. This man has shown me over and over that he didn't and still don't deserve for me to spit on him if he were afire.

Thanks! Really,

Sugaree

There you go, now you've got it. Move on and one day when you love and respect yourself you may meet a man you can also love and respect. We are WOMAN and to hell with needing a man all the time. Like I said sweetie, buy a vibrator, at least you can depend on it......

Chatty, I read your other post about your book and the details of your past job. I understand when you say 'thousands' now. LOL. I must have misread something. I thought that you were telling me 'thousands' in another way. WHEW, what a relief!


Now that experience leaves you with a wealth of info for poor lost 'deprived' women like myself, confused about what to do with maggots, huh? God has his mysterious ways of placing His helpers on His term and time.

Sugaree

Sugaree

Sugaree, my Lord no. I wouldn't be able to walk, you'd be able to drive a semi between my knees in any case. But no actually most of my experience came via the phone, years and years of horny, lonely, sick sick men looking for someone to tell them they were right and strong and sosoooo wonderful. Why the heck do you think they call us gals "telephone actress's?" I am happy to put an end to a temporary job that lasted 11 years. I'm no Saint, far from it but now its time to do some honest, worthwhile work...

Well Chatty, in response to your, "I aint no saint," statement, I've heard it said many times over, "God don't make no junk!" So, now what witty statement do you have to combat that 'myth?' I don't think it's a myth. I believe it's so true. He has a place for all of us.

Although I never actually went the length as Sarah in the Good Book, he example of faith and what God did to turn her life right is the perfect example for this to me. You had your ways and for a purpose in His great plan. We never really know it until we are actually living His Master Plan, right?

What do you think?

Sugaree

Soooo true, God Don't Make No Junk, however some of his makings fall into disrepair and need minor adjustments. The original product is good but after years of misuse in some cases, it (we) need a good overhauling...Thats what has happened to me, I have had a good overhauling and am as good as when new...chug, chug, putt. putt, running just fine now....

Chatty, you're right. I think I need another tune-up or overhaul myself. I really thought I'd gotten this right and life was on its way to greener pastures. I guess we all have set backs. Maybe they're there to keep us humble and to make us remember what life can be like.

Trust me when I tell you that most of the accomplishments in my life have been against many odds. Many of them steming from issues that I had no say in. It's eaier for me to feel and believe that there was a reason behind this...like a method to the madness.