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#60209 - 04/12/05 12:51 PM Malfuncto Sibling Relations
Dotsie Offline

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Since I was raised separate from my siblings, there is a bit of a distance between us- the ones raised together constantly are naturally more bunded and there were seven under me, the eldest.

I think it's safe to say that because I was under such stressors like being sexually abused by my father and when I visited where my siblings dwelled, my stepfather too. So, yes, I probably was a b*thch, irritable, reclusive or whatever. It didn't help that my mother would party and leave me, at 12 or even younger, to tend to her children ages ranging from 2yrs younger than I to infants, on a daily basis. As if that was not enough, I had to sit for her friends that partied with hers' children too. Once I had a head count of 20+ children and I was 14yrs old. That day, once I got all of the children settled for bed, my stepfather came home and did what he'd do sexually.

That's just an overview, of course, minus the emotional rollacoaster I was on during those events, especially that particular day.

Well, my 'whine' is this: More than a few times I've heard my son, during our disagreements or straight out arguments, say that one of my sisters even agreed, "Well, you know how your mother is..." I guess agreeing to whatever his arguement was at the time. Basically, my son and I had problems with authority. I was, am, the authority and what I said was the last word and there was no other way. Yes, that is me. Strong and firm believer in the parent being the parent without question, especially confrontational challenge.

I ignored those comments for years 'possibly' made by siblings regarding my stuborness, or whatever they spoke of. I was the one tending to my children so their opinion, especially when discussed with my disobidient child in search of support for his behavior, was ignored and dismissed. I figured they'd understand when their own children grew old enoght to try their authority.

More recently, my daughter, of which is 18, but still living here, decided that she wanted to challenge me when I told her to do the laundry. She must have said something re this to one of my sisters that in turn told me that my daughter was pissed at me. Well, this is the same sister that my son stated, know how your mother is...

When I spoke with my sister, I explained to her that it's not her position to agree or disagree with my daughter, especially not for her to tell her, or co-sign what my daughter believed, which was that I should have at least had the laundry prepared for her to do.

I understand that my sister, as with everyone else, have different house rules- each household varies and all we can do is respect that so long as no one/child is being abused. When I told my sister to stay out of it, she became irrate and challenged this, telling my daughter that she can stay with her. That's fine, my daughter is 18 and if that's what she wants to do, fine. But, how could a sister think like this about such a simple matter.

The 'you know how your mother is', statements comes from my general house rules that apply to all children, even adults, if they don't have enough sense not to put their hands on my walls. When children visit, I do say, 'keep your hands off of the walls.' I've raised two children with clean walls, watched many, and still have clean walls. Is that so unreasonable? Maybe I'm missing something here. Even if I am, I pay a lot of money to live where and how I live so I don't care. Yes, if the child/ren persisted in placing their hands on the wall, I'd give them a bucket to wash the area (mainly in fun cause when they'd come again, they either laughed or made sure that their hands didn't touch my walls, mission accomplished).

My daughter spent one night over at my sister's but came home to the comforts of her own room. She doesn't even know that I know she was pissed because it became much bigger to me once I found that my sibling, the one that was an infant when i was 14 dealing with those sort of issues, said what she said to my daughter and son.

How dare she! I tended to her, loved her and continued to throughout her years, ways that she will never understand considering all things. I was the one that realized this man was attempting to go on to the next sister in line, to sexually abuse so I got rid of him. When the authorities came, he panicked and had a heart attack and died. While they know that I didn't actually kill the man, they know that it had something to do with what I'd done.

Is this sibling revenge? Do I even have a chance against these sort of odds? I am pissed! [Mad]

[ April 12, 2005, 06:01 AM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

#60210 - 04/12/05 06:48 PM Re: Malfuncto Sibling Relations
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I think it could be a pattern. My sister said something about me during a phone conversation once..."Yes, Dianne finally found a man who will put up with her." I just blew! Trust me, she won't say it again...not in front of me anyway.

You know what, who cares if they blame you for this horrible man's death. Who cares if they believe you? Have you read Marilyn Van Derber's book? She goes into great detail about this. Two of her sisters wanted to keep the dirty secret from the public and the rest of the family. Only one of her sisters admitted to being raped by their father too.

And, in your house you can do what you want. I think we earned that right!

#60211 - 04/13/05 07:54 AM Re: Malfuncto Sibling Relations
Dotsie Offline

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
sug, I'm sorry you are hurting.

You are entitled to maintaining the house rules within your home. I belive your kids will thank you one day. For now, stand firm.

Look for a window of time when both you and your daughter are enjoying one another's compnay. When the timing and moods are perfect, broach the subject of house rules. I bet she'll understand why you shouldn't have to do all the laundry. Isn't it amazing how something so simple can cause such a stir?

I would focus more on your daughter and less on your siblings. She is your first priority.

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