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#220709 - 01/15/15 12:15 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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#220735 - 01/30/15 06:15 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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It may be Friday, but I've got a good joke for you, Jabber, and I hope you and everyone else enjoys it:
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well,' said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... Pregnant when you met her."
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#220761 - 02/20/15 02:49 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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Ha Ha!! Great jokes this week. Thanks !! Here's a great joke I found on Facebook and wanted to share... Car Won't Drive
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#220763 - 02/20/15 05:21 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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#220781 - 03/13/15 03:13 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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Hey Jabber! I like to share! How about this? It's a video from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. She has First Lady Michelle Obama on as her guest, and Michelle is explaining that at this year's White House Easter Egg Roll, there is going to be a dance segment, to promote her "Let's Move" initiative. Here, we see Ellen and The First Lady showcasing the dance. It's not a joke, but it is a "Fun Friday" opportunity.
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#220829 - 04/09/15 01:21 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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#220837 - 04/15/15 04:46 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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#220843 - 04/22/15 06:04 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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Q. What did the ocean say to the beach? A. Nothing, it just waved. Q. What food did scientists discover diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A. Wedding cake. Q. What should you give a man that has everything? A. A woman to show him how everything works.
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#220886 - 06/10/15 09:11 AM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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If this writing thing doesn't work out, I can see myself being a window washer. Q. Why is there no immediate running in a camp ground? A. Because you have to pass tents! Q. How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb? A. Ten. But we'll accept eight.
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#220913 - 06/22/15 02:50 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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It's only Monday, but I just ran across this great cache of jokes courtesy of Carol Wyer, so I thought I'd share: These are ALL "Amusing Things Women Want To Hear But Never Do." Hope they brighten your day: Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
Which one made you laugh so hard you choked on your coffee?
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#220922 - 07/01/15 03:52 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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#220936 - 07/11/15 06:53 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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#220980 - 08/12/15 08:22 AM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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A drunk guy gets on a bus, weaves his way toward the back of the bus and sits next to a nun. Nun said, "You're going to hell for being in such awful condition." Drunk said, "Oh No! I'm on the wrong bus." -------------------------------------------------------------- A farm kid, caring for her cow at the county fair, sees a fly enter the cow's ear and not come out. The next day that 4-H'er is milking the same cow. And sure enough. The fly comes out in the milk. This proves, what...? In one ear and out the udder. -------------------------------------------------------------- Daddy is a road-worker. His son is sure daddy wouldn't steal from his job. But when the lad gets home, all the signs are there!
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#221014 - 09/09/15 05:10 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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#221017 - 09/09/15 06:48 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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#221021 - 09/16/15 09:15 AM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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A bachelor, just turned 40, began feeling desperate. "I went to a singles bar," he told a friend, "walked over to this 20-year-old woman and asked,'Where have you been all my life?' She said, 'Teething.'"
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To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have some Guiseppe Spomdalucci," he said. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the proprietor."
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First man: "I can't think what to get my wife for Christmas. If I give her something practical, I know she'll burst into tears. Second man: "In that case, buy her some handkerchiefs."
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#221069 - 11/10/15 06:31 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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"I'm really worried about my dog," Ralph said to the vet. "I dropped some coins on the floor and before I could pick them up, he ate them." The vet advised Ralph to leave his dog at the vet's office overnight. The next morning, Ralph called to see how his pet was doing. The vet replied, "No change yet." ------------------------------------------------------ Q: How did Moses make his coffee? A: He brewed it! ------------------------------------------------------ Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth, then it's just a soap opera!
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#221072 - 11/12/15 04:34 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Boomer in Chief
Registered: 03/11/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
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#221087 - 11/30/15 01:32 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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George Burns punctuated this story with a flick of his cigar. "A woman said to me, 'Is it true that you still go out with young girls?' I said yes, it's true. She said, 'Is it true that you still smoke 15 to 20 cigars a day?' I said yes, it's true. She said, 'Is it true that you still take a few drinks every day?' I said yes, it's true. "She said, 'What does your doctor say?' I said, 'He's dead.'" -----------------------------------------------------------------
Heard at a bus stop: "Hello, Lily, how are you? What have you done to your hair? It looks like a wig." "Yes, it is a wig." "Really, how wonderful! It looks just like real hair."
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Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.
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#221180 - 04/26/16 05:17 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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It was so cold today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. --------------------------------------------------------------- "I hear Susan is a twin." "That's right." "How do people know which is which?" "Her brother has a mustache." --------------------------------------------------------------- "My cousin in New York City finally stopped complaining about finding a parking place." "What happened?" "He bought a parked car."
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#221200 - 06/07/16 10:08 AM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: jabber]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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Judge to Litigant: "You say this fellow drove through your fence, knocked down your mailbox, smashed your plastic lawn flamingos, bounced off your porch, and ran into the pickup truck in your yard?"
Litigant: "That's right, your honor."
Judge: "Are you suing for damages?"
Litigant: "Shoot, no! I got enough damages! I'm suing for repairs."
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"That last batch o' moonshine you made was too strong." "Couldn't you drink it?" "Oh, I finally drank it. But now, every time I sneeze, I burn holes in the curtains."
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She's had so many divorces, she's spent more time in court than Perry Mason.
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#221233 - 07/27/16 09:16 AM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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"What are you so happy about?" a woman asked the 98-year-old man. "I broke a mirror," he replied. "But that means seven years of bad luck." "I know," he said, beaming. "Isn't it wonderful?" -------------------------------------------------------- "Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job? "It's the worst job I ever had." "How long have you been there?" "About three months." "Why don't you quit?" "No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home." --------------------------------------------------------- The disgruntled diner summoned his waiter to the table, complaining, "My oyster stew doesn't have any oysters in it." "Well, if that bothers you, then you better skip dessert," replied the waiter. "It's angel food cake." ----------------------------------------------------------
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#221253 - 09/13/16 06:20 PM
Re: Worst Joke Wednesday...
[Re: Anne Holmes]
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Member
Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
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A fellow went to a bar and ordered a drink. He gulped it down and, to the amazement of the bartender, also ate the goblet, except for the stem. He ordered another, swallowed the drink, and again ate the goblet, leaving the stem. The bartender then explained the man's strange behavior to a psychiatrist, and asked whether doc thought the man was eccentric. "He must be," the shrink replied. "The stem's the best part." ----------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard at the track: "Horse racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money good-bye."
---------------------------------------------------------------- A hunting party was hopelessly lost. "I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!" one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader. "I am," replied the guide. "But I think we're in Canada now."
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