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#20555 - 08/27/05 09:58 AM Can anyone relate?
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I seem to be going through a real funk. I am one year away from 50. I wonder if this is normal. I still get my period like clock work but wonder if I have pre-menopausal symptoms. Here is my situation, maybe some of you can relate and help me to realise that I am not crazy. I am hours away from calling my doctor and going back on anti-depressants. I haven’t been on them for five years now and it took me so long to wean myself from them so I don’t want to go back on them but am getting desperate. I’m stuck, I can’t
move forward. I live in the past. I have even reconnected with old friends and ex boyfriends. I have been divorced for 10 years but still mention my ex husband in some conversations. The other day when talking with a friend something she said made me mention him and she said “How long have you been divorced”.
That really hurt my feelings but her point was well taken.
I did write in another post about how I met up with an old boyfriend this past summer and wanted advice about reconnecting with lost loves. It brought about some great discussions. Anyway here is basically what is going on. I left a very abusive relationship over 10 years ago. I have three children and they all came
with me. My eldest son was 11 at the time and as a teen got into drugs. He is now a drug addict but is trying to stop. He recently moved out of my home and now I find myself having a difficult time living without the
chaos. You would think I would be happy to have a break after years of heartache and stress but I find that I have nothing to focus on. His problems took up so much of my time. I spend far too much time worrying about him. Another problem, I have been at the same job for over 6 years. Instead of appreciating it I am
always looking for something else. I don’t know if it’s the job or me. The main problem is I work alone most of the time. There is just me and a part time person who only comes in once a week for a few hours.
Other than that I am on my own. I’m in sales and lately cannot make any calls as I’m too down. I’m trying to figure out if I should leave but for the most part, other than the loneliness I like the job and am good at it when I’m not depressed. I have friends but don’t see them much and I don’t feel a real connection with
any of them anymore. Everyone is so busy. I miss having an intimate partner that I can talk to. It’s been ten long years on my own and I don’t know if I will ever meet anyone. I guess the real problem is trying to figure
out if I need professional help. I know that I should get out, join something, do things for me, but I can’t get myself out to do anything. I love art, have four boxes of supplies, paints, books, paper etc. but it stays in the boxes. Is this a pre-menopausal thing or am I in need of medication/counselling. My other two children
are having a wonderful time, spending loads of time with friends, going out swimming etc. while I stay home and do nothing. I'm happy for them but wonder what will become of me if I don't do something about my situation. I am actually worried about myself. I have been very
depressed in the past (when I was in my marriage) and came dangerously close to loosing it. I don’t want that to happen again. I seem to be really mixed up and can't think straight. I've never been this mixed up before. I feel lost. I'm wondering if this is part of pre-menopause or if it is something else. Can anyone relate?

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#20556 - 08/27/05 05:34 PM Re: Can anyone relate?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Kate,
Please forgive me if I ramble. Perhaps in all this you can find something that will help you.

It sounds as if you are simply lonely. I've been there. We all have. It sneaks up on us and it is probably worse at menopause when our children begin to separate from us. It is probably worse without a mate.

When I realized I was lonely. I also recognized that I was ashamed of being lonely and the shame led me to isolate and isolating worsened the lonelinesss. Also, I realized I was afraid of being lonely. Many times I didn't go places for fear, not of being alone, but of being lonely in a crowd. Feeling lonely while being the life of the party is the most painful loneliness of all. The fear of loneliness also led me to isolate so it was a vicious cycle.

Loneliness is not restricted to the alone. It almost seems more common among the very busy, even those who are surrounded by people all day every day may only be self medicating their loneliness. And strangely loneliness seems to increase with over population. The physically closer we become to more people, the more emotionally isolated we seem to be.

At the time I of my greatest loneliness, I was a single mother, working part time as a nurse, and operating a personnel agency while also pursing a graduate degree. I had sexual partners if I wanted them and I was certainly surrounded by people, but I was myself only with my kids and the work was separating me from them. As a nurse, I was focused on the patient. As a personnel agent, I was focused on the applicant and I was always selling. In order to sell, I was always acting thus never truly open or intimate with anyone. When I realized I was lonely, I began to look at patients in the hospital for signs of loneliness and was convinced that loneliness is at the foundation of many chronic illnesses. It was so obvious and the medical community has no real cures or even treatments.

I tried to handle loneliness as I have handled other problems. I began with the research. I was amazed at how little I found in the scientific literature. In fact almost nothing. When I did a computer search, almost all the hits were for porn sites. Apparently many people, primarily men, self medicate the pain of loneliness with sex.

According to Ashley Montague, author of "Touching" about the human significance of skin to skin contact, our urge for sex is rooted in the need for touch. I believe it is even more profoundly rooted in our need for intimacy which is more difficult to quantify and study. But Mr. Montague experimented with animals to demonstrate a profound physical need for touch. Sexual intercourse is the time when we experience the greatest degree of skin to skin, eye to eye, and mouth to ear touch. Sex can temporarily relieve loneliness, but it can also increase it if not accompanied by intimacy. And intimacy seems to develop out of the need for touch so if sex occurs before intimacy, it will temporarily meet the need for touch and possibly never develop into intimacy.

Loneliness is probably more unbearable than either physical or emotional pain. People will endure all kinds of pain to avoid loneliness. The depression that results from lack of intimacy can be treated, but depression is only a symptom and when the medication is withdrawn, the loneliness returns, sometimes more intensely.

Activities can distract us from our loneliness and involvement in the lives of others can distance us from our own needs, but without intimacy, we can all be overwhelmed by the pain of loneliness and not even understand what is happening to us.

I think there is an epidemic of loneliness in our more and more crowded society. Despite being surrounded by people, I think we are all deprived of intimacy.

Some people seem to find relief in groups and by increasing social contacts, we increase the possibility of finding someone with whom we can be truly intimate. However, I believe the most intimate of all relationships is with our God. Not just knowledge of him or even worship, but the true openness and intimacy of actually allowing Him to touch our spirit.

I will pray for you this very day.
smile

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#20557 - 08/27/05 06:18 PM Re: Can anyone relate?
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
We can always depend on profound answers from Smile. Always appreciated.

I believe we can go through stages in our lives. I'm in a lonely stage myself right now. It's depressing. We can get in a rut and we have to remember that a rut is a grave with both ends kicked out. So, I've been literally forcing myself to get out of the house and do things. I don't feel like it but I make myself do it. Even if it's window shopping. I force myself to get fixed up and get in the car, even if I don't have a destination in mind.

Maybe on one day, you can force yourself to set up your painting materials. Just set them up. Then, go from there. One step at a time, one day at a time.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Hang in there.

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#20558 - 08/27/05 06:41 PM Re: Can anyone relate?
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a horrible time of things...and your son is a drug addict...that can be horrible. I hope he stops.

Lonliness can make us do some really stupid things...I know...I'm the Queen of Stupid. Made me move backwards instead of forward with my life. I kept trying to return to the familiar...it was the familiar that had hurt me, been unhealthy and prevented me from living. I was caught in a whirlpool and kept going around and around and around.

If you're going to get out of this whirlpool you're going to have to take a chance at the new, the unknown and the unfamiliar. You're going to have to do what smilinize suggested...force yourself to move...towards anything...as long as it's not nothing.

Honey, life is too short and too precious to sit around in a cocoon...God gave us life for only a brief period...light a fire under your butt and get moving...meet new friends, go to church, join a woman's group, take a walk, and got goodness sakes, pick up those paints and do something with them. We want to see pictures of what you've done when you've finished.

Honey, you'll be in our prayers...and I believe being loney can lead to depression...so, don't go there. You're a boomer woman!!! Strong, beautiful, capable, and worthy of a good and happy life. Now, shake yourself off, go for a walk and come back and pick up those paint brushes...

And keep us posted on your progress. We're here for you anytime.

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#20559 - 08/28/05 07:15 AM Re: Can anyone relate?
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
I too will be in prayer for your son.

I think drug addiction and even co-dependency which I view as another type of addiction can be a way of escaping loneliness.

For a long time I have wanted to write a book about loneliness so I've researched it and given it a lot of thought. The problem is, I want to co-write with a psychiatrist, a physiologist and a theologian. I want to look at loneliness, not only as a human condition, but at the physiology and theology of it.

I have a couple of friends in those professions, but they seem to be more bewildered by the subject of loneliness than I am and everyone seems so fearful of it so I guess I'll just pray and wait.

One of the benefits of this site seems to be the way it addresses loneliness.
smile

[ August 27, 2005, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#20560 - 08/27/05 11:19 PM Re: Can anyone relate?
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Wow, thank you for your incredible insight. An interesting thought about lonliness is that you think your the only one going through it. You see people out and about with families, friends and don't realize that in your pit of dispair they have their lonely periods too. Many times I am out with family, friends and someone may be looking at us and being lonely. I think of myself as being sooo independant and have really not spent much time being lonely until recently. That's why I have had these feelings of being lost. It makes sense really, the timing because now my son is off on his own and my other two (12 and 13) are going through the normal separation stages. I want them too but often find myself longing for the days when they were little as I had a purpose then and I enjoyed them so much. But they did keep me distracted and now I have to find me again. Although I do keep myself in a cocoon at times I also get out. I'm going to a potluck today as a matter of fact. I really understand the comment about how you can be the life of the party yet be so lonely. It really would be an excellent topic for a book. I remember the most lonely time in my life was when I was married. I know some of you can relate to that one.I guess it's like death, no one wants to talk about it, no one wants to admit that they are lonely, it's taboo. There is a song that comes to mind (I'm a child of the 70') I think it was by Supertramp... "hide in your shell, cause the world is out to take you for a ride, how would you feel, if you could see the world through my eyes" I think of this song when I am isolating myself and try to see things differently. I really should get the cd. ramble
Baby steps is the key and I will take the paints out of the box tonight. Then go from there.
Thank you for your comments. I feel much less lonely now which is why this site is so great.
And yes, God is always there too, thanks for the prayers.
Kate

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#20561 - 08/28/05 03:22 AM Re: Can anyone relate?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I hate to admit this but there are too many nights when I sit alone in my home and cry, about literally nothing. Sometimes its a movie on TV or even a stupid commercial that sets me off. My one son is estranged from us now for 11 years and my other son is busy with his life and his family and work and I am not a part of that, not really. I do get out and do things. I live in the busiest city around and yet I feel like I am in a bubble looking out. I have never felt so alone in my life. I have two good jobs, one in Real Estate I like alot and the other is I think closely related to lonliness, I answer the calls for a company offering phone sex, as most of you are aware but this to is a surprise to me, how many of these men just want to talk to someone , anyone who will listen to them. I don't think Heart disease or Cancer are the biggest killers we have to contend with, I believe that lonliness is....it may actually contribute to the other two... [Frown]

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#20562 - 08/28/05 03:40 AM Re: Can anyone relate?
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Loneliness might as well have been my middle name. Up until recently, it had plagued me for so much of my life. I can distinctly remember struggling with loneliness as early as my pre-teen years. The problem with loneliness is that it sneaks in even when you think you're having fun, like in the middle of a family gathering, or a lively party, or even a wondrously uplifting prayer meeting. For me, there was never any escape. If I could call any one place the closest thing to escape, it would be while I was praying in solitude, but even then, I missed that "patch of God's skin" (sorry to whoever coined that phrase here, I can't remember who to give credit to).

I never had children, despite wanting to adopt dozens of them. And that will probably always hurt. And I didn't meet anyone special until hubby came along in 1991, when I was in my late thirties. My friendship and life with hubby DID ease the miserable weight of loneliness. And when I'm with him, I'm not lonely. But when we're arguing, or he's distracted for long periods of time by work or family issues, the loneliness begins to creep back in. But it's nowhere near the constant companion it used to be.

Even as bad as my grief over losing Mom and Dad ever was, that terrible loneliness never really came back. Is that because of hubby? Because I finally know I'm loved? Or perhaps because I'm growing into a deeper appreciation and enjoyment of my own company and solitude now? I don't know. Maybe a combination of many postive changes I've undergone in the past few years, and most especially in the months since I found this wonderful Boomer Women site.

But I do know all too well the heavy burden of loneliness. Smile, write that book. Let me know if I can help! And Chatty, my heart aches with you...how well I know about being surrounded by hectic busy-ness and yet still feeling left out and lonely. But if it's any consolation, perhaps that experience of loneliness, both your own and in other people you help along your way, helps to make you the wise and vital voice that you are here at this Boomer Bed and Breakfast site!

[ August 27, 2005, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

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#20563 - 08/28/05 04:02 AM Re: Can anyone relate?
overthehillchick Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/05
Posts: 31
Loc: Virginia, USA
I know this is going to be the most facetious answer you've heard as of yet, but it sounds to me like you really need to involve yourself into something you love. I coach those looking for their soul mates and the first thing I tell them is to love themselves first. Get involved in something that is going to take so much time, you won't have time to think of anything else. Once that happens, a mini-miracle happens. You become a person someone would want to love.

What is happening at the present is whether you realize it or not, your unhappiness is preventing your soul mates from entering your life. Yes, you read that right, soul mateS. You have had many come into your life at this point and you still have many, many more to go. However, you are putting up a block. You can be as cheerful as you want on the outside, but people are intuitive. They know something is wrong. There is a girl I know who every single time I see her, she's always telling me about this guy who beats her up all the time. At first, I was sympathetic...I was sort of in a relationship like that at one time so I could relate. However, every single time I would see this woman, and I mean weeks, months, years later, it was the same old sad story. What happened was, I put up this "image" of the girl and as I had heard her story countless times, it didn't matter what she said, I always had this mental picture of someone who didn't love herself enough to get out of the relationship. Boy, I've gone on so, but this is what I do..counsel women and men who are looking for their soul mate.

Anyway, my advice to you is, get INVOLVED. I know you don't believe this now, but you'll remember this when that soul mate of yours pops into your life.

You gotta put yourselves in the man's position. He wants someone who can ADD to his life, not SUBTRACT from it and if you enter the relationship with all this baggage, it's going to be another Saturday night alone because he's going to go to someone who provides him with positivity. Does this make sense?

Not only have I been doing this for years, but I was in the same boat ten years ago. Marriage fell apart, countless no good boyfriends, until I landed in a women's shelter. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I got my act together, worked harder to make more money, found a house that I could afford and didn't search for that soul mate that would make my life complete. I concentrated on what made me happy and productive and at the time I didn't have a computer so it was a matter of working all the time.

Remember in "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hank's wife dies and he said something to the effect of "Work is the only thing that keeps him going"...eek...that wasn't it or something like that anyway, well, I know it was just a movie, but let's suppose it was real life. He didn't search for a soul mate. He worked. He worked his ass off. And his soul mate found him.

Bottom line, do something for yourself to make you happy.

Oh, forgot. After I had moved into this house, which I'm still in after all these years, my soul mate entered my life. A little secret, actually two soul mates. Story is on my website and that's what started Romancing the Soul.

Sorry to be so windy!

Dorothy

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#20564 - 08/28/05 07:43 AM Re: Can anyone relate?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I love all of you so much. Just had to say that! I am always touched by the honesty of your words.

Loneliness at midlfe is one of the main reasons I am launching the National Association for Baby Boomer Women. I want so badly for us to heal one another. That's what we are here for. We need to find our passions and live them!

I may ramble here, so please forgive.

Kate, do you want us to hold you accountable for getting those paints out? We will if you want us to. We want you to move on and realize the potential you have within that is just bursting to get out.

Chatty, I am surprised to hear about your loneliness. I always picture you surrounded by animals, delivering food to neighbors, and visiting the elderly. Have you considered what you might need to fill that loneliness? Can you put your finger on it? If so, please share with us and we'll try to give you direction. I'm sure losing contact with your son is hurtful. I wish I could make that hurt go away by finding him and telling him to contact his loving mom. Please know you have a purpose here and cause/ have caused other women to feel connected, thus less lonely

FYI- one of the reasons I began BWS was my fear of being without a purpose at midlife. I have always been a stay-at-home mom who loved being home to make a difference in the lives of loved ones. After the death of Mom, and with the empty nest staring me in the face, I hunkered down in prayer with my Lord. I begged him for a purpose.

As a kid, I always wanted to get married and have kids. I never thought beyond these years. Dumb me. Because my mother and mother-in-law experienced depression from the empty nest, I knew I didn't want their midlives. I intend no disrespect to either woman. It's just the way life was for women back then.

Anyway, by the grace of God, this site idea was planted. It is now my passion aside from my family. God has given me a way to reach out and bless other women. This whole project was/is created by Him.

I highly recommend taking the time to get quiet with your Lord. Sometimes we are so busy living life that we aren't in tune with who we are at our core. God can get us in touch with that. He can reveal our midlife purpose. He can reveal our gifts. We all have them.

I encourage all of us to open up and share what we are going through. God doesn't want us to live this life alone. He wants us to connect, encourage and support one another.

Another reason I was desparate for a purpose outside of my family and faith is the fact that I am married to the love of my life whom I adore more with each passing day. He is a Diabetic. He takes too many shots a day, but he is extremely healthy. You'd never know this about him if you met him. Never. Anyway, I have a fear of losing him. Since beginning BWS and with the association launching in October, I truly believe I will never have to worry about being alone, or lonely.

I am grateful God has given me a purpose through this site. It is my prayer that this site can give other women a purpose and we can stamp out loneliness in midlife women. I mean this with all my heart.

Keep sharing. This is a great topic.

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