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#162015 - 10/07/08 09:25 AM What say you...?
jabber Offline

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Here are two poems I wrote a while ago. What do you
think about them?


My soul longs for a more carefree time,
back before terrorism and way too much crime.
I pray human bodies could be free of pain,
and wish love-centered society, would peacefully reign.


Mary Ann, John J., Pearl and Ray,
Raised three kids, the county housed away.
Orchard Hill Farms is where they were brought,
Fed and clothed, nurtured and taught.

Kittens, calves, chicks and cats,
Lived with the folks,
Down in there in the flats.
Daddy worked daylong, didn't stop,
Milkin' cows and harvestin' crops.

Tractors 'n trucks, were shinin' so bright,
Grandpa's paint jobs made 'em look just right.

At sunrise, old rooster was crowin' his alarm,
We were on top of the world,
down there on the farm.

Thank you Jesus, for takin' us there,
Cause bringing up bantams, 'twas ever so dear!

#162017 - 10/07/08 09:40 AM Re: What say you...? [Re: jabber]
jabber Offline

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
I'm getting brave, now.

Here's the one I really want critiqued. Hope you don't mind!


Bonita Rose with fingers grabs toes,
While lying in her crib,
Giggles and noise of girls and boys,
make happy, Bonita Rose.
Brothers and sisters in fun do take part,
which greatly gladdens the wee baby's heart.
Once siblings stayed and everyone played,
with baby Bonita Rose.
But from the kitchen came a different sound,
Momma and lover by dad had been found.
Unannounced and home from the war,
Two new babies not there before,
And one was Bonita Rose.
Baby knew not what had gone wrong,
Next time she awoke all were gone,
from baby Bonita Rose.
This story is true,
it is not a joke,
Silence surrounds,
Baby's spirit is broke!

#162018 - 10/07/08 09:58 AM Re: What say you...? [Re: jabber]
Edelweiss2 Offline

Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
Baby Bonita Rose:
You brought the message over very cleverly. First the happiness and the loving siblings; then the loneliness and lost feeling.

I am not really a fan of modern abstract poetry. I like the old fashioned rhyming with rhythm. So what bothered me a little was the irregular beat.

I count the syllables, and the other lines or every second line should have the same count. You got that pretty down pat in your poem Farm Growing Gal. I really like that one. What are bantams?

And I hear you in A Longing Soul. The last sentence was a little too long for my taste…Maybe instead of love-centered use just a one syllable word.

I love to write poems too jabber. It’s fun and soothing. Got any more?
A friend is a gift you give yourself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

#162019 - 10/07/08 10:02 AM Re: What say you...? [Re: Edelweiss2]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
bantams are spirited individuals according to the dictionary.

I thought the last poem was sad and I agree it was a clever delivery. I'm just the opposite in my "favs" as far as poetry is concerned...I like the abstract.

Here is a contest you might want to think about entering.

#162021 - 10/07/08 10:25 AM Re: What say you...? [Re: jawjaw]
gims Offline

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
Bantam is also a breed of chickens. Both of my grandmothers had Bantams in their chicken pens. When we first moved out here, my mom gave me a pair of Bantams, a rooster and a hen. The raccoons killed them both... pulled their heads of through the chicken wire on the pen.

JJ, are you thinking of banshee? or phantom?

jabber, the Bonnie Rose poem made me sad.

#162024 - 10/07/08 11:01 AM Re: What say you...? [Re: gims]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Just giving what the dictionary said.

#162028 - 10/07/08 11:45 AM Re: What say you...? [Re: jawjaw]
jabber Offline

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
My use of bantams is meant to mean younglings. Guess it's the farmer terminology, in me. You gals are professionals. I was
simply testing the water. Don't know about you, but I find it
nearly impossible to judge my own writing. Anybody else have
that problem? Thanks for the advice! Love you...prayers and blessing. The baby poem is sad. I know that. But it's my heart talking. The 25-month-old still hurts, sometimes.

#162080 - 10/07/08 05:18 PM Re: What say you...? [Re: jabber]
chatty lady Offline

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Beautiful soul gripping poem, Bonita Rose, and yes, you should enter a poetry contest. You are that good. When something can make a reader sit back and think about what they just read, it is a winner.
Take a peek at my BLOG:

#162111 - 10/08/08 01:50 AM Re: What say you...? [Re: chatty lady]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Heartfelt, you definitely pull the reader in with your emotions, but I agree with Edelweiss that the meter needs to be more precise.
My handcrafted jewelry:
limited edition designs
more jewelry, plus bead supplies

Poet and essayist

#162114 - 10/08/08 02:27 AM Re: What say you...? [Re: meredithbead]
gims Offline

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
OK, EW, you said you like to write poetry. And, I know meredith is gifted in that area. And jabber, too. I've played around with it some. How 'bout we play a poem writing game, four words to start. Next person creates a four line poem, using the four words, then leaves four new words on the table for the next poet, who repeats the two steps:
1. Writing a four line poem with the four words left by the prior
2. Leaving four new words.

four words on table:
man, than, scared, fun

1. write poem:

What is more fun
Than a man on the run
Scared by a lass
With more than one a**

2. Leave four new words on the table:

sock, drag, why, boy

Anyone wanna give it a try? Or, is this too silly/stupid? It's sometimes harder than one might think.

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