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#147580 - 05/03/08 10:48 AM You ladies are great!
Cubby Offline

Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 12
I am new but have been reading your thoughts on the Divorce forum for awhile and am amazed at the wisdom I see here. Maybe it comes with years of living as babyboomer women and all of our experiences. This is a wonderful forum and I am so glad I stumbled upon it! Sometimes synchronicity does work! I have been watching, reading, hearing about the Secret's Law of Attraction lately, so maybe it really is working! Surely hope so and I hope you will not mind giving me your thoughts and opinions once you hear where I am at.
I have been going to a therapist for a year now during my year and a half separation and she is wonderful! But I know I cannot continue seeing her forever and have to make decisions soon enough about what to do next. I really really need some wisdom from the Wise Ones!
So will be back soon and thank you for being here!

#147581 - 05/03/08 01:01 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
We're so glad you've joined us and thank you for the kind words about the forum. There are a lot of wise and caring women here and this is a wonderful place to find healing and peace. Please join us whenever you are ready and we are truly glad you've found us!

#147582 - 05/03/08 02:05 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
Cubby Offline

Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 12
Hello again,
Thank you Queen JJ for your kind words. It was just the welcoming message I needed! I am what you would call a private person and don't share a whole lot with many. (Maybe that's why I am still with my confidential therapist for over a year!) I think it comes from the fear of being judged.
My mother, who is a strong and independent 87 yr old, is still quite judging but I wonder how many mothers are not, even to their 53 year old daughters! LOL! I did learn to "watch my step" growing up or at least watch out that somebody didn't find out about it! I wonder how many of us were able to share and be open with our mothers and how many, like me, did things in secret so as not to make them mad.
I think what we learned in childhood had a big effect on our adult lives, whether we want to admit it or not! For example, my mother stayed with my Dad even though she definitely had reasons to divorce him including jail time. Now when she speaks of their long union she says she just couldn't do it and stayed together for the sake of the family. And since my siblings and I loved our Dad very much, I guess we're happy they did. What their lives could have been like separately, who knows. I know they came to depend on each other through the years.

Anyway, saying all that, here I am 53 years old young, with 20 years in public education helping kids, married for 35 years but separated for 1 1/2 years and emotionally disconnected for many more and I am having an extremely difficult time with pulling the plug, namely anything legal.
We lived like roommates for more years that I want to admit, me not wanting sex, him not wanting consistent emotional closeness, for years. But we stuck together and accomplished things along the way that we might not have been able to do apart, such as gaining guardianship and raising our only granddaughter as a baby when she was in a neglectful situation living with her too-young parents, me pursuing a college education from scratch and obtaining a Masters degree, buying and selling houses, and enjoying home interests.
But what was missing was the kind of close, loving relationship that married people should have. He was a workaholic whether it was at his job or on our last house which remains incomplete even afte 8 years because of his fussiness about doing the job right himself, not wanting to go places I was interested in such as movies, auctions, out to dinner, events. He would go where he wanted such as cross country skiing every day in winter and I sometimes went, but he was such a fitness buff that we didn't ski together as I plodded along the trail myself. I was very uninterested in sex and checked out medically ok. He would get angry and not talk to me for weeks on end, something he copied from his parent's long marriage. Which then made me more emotionally disconnected from him after begging him to talk and him refusing until he was ready weeks later.
After my father and his mother died within months of each other, I took stock of how unhappy we were in the marriage, and vowed to change it or leave. I didn't want to end up on my deathbed still unhappy and regretting the lost years. I asked him to go with me to counseling, he refused, wouldn't talk. I began doing more and more on my own as I had always been independent. I started seeing more and more of a good male friend who was the exact opposite of my husband and actually wanted to experience things with me. All this time, I still wanted my husband to listen, to know that we couldn't go on living like this. He ignored me. Finally I told him I was moving out and meant it. I bought my own house. He was shocked and hurt. Begged me not to do it. I knew I had to anyway until I saw some changes. And here it is - a year and a half later with us living separate lives, but little has changed. He wants to get back together but expects me just to come back and be with him. He went to counseling on his own 4 times and then quit when things did not magically work out. He continues to work hard, not date, put time and effort in our property, ski, exercise, send me flowers on special occasions, go out to lunch with me once in awhile, so most things remain the same with him being a bit more attentive. Now we just live apart and I have bigger bills. I haven't asked for anything in the house or from him and he pays the bills on that and I pay the bills on mine.

I have come up with two legal separations, the last one with his input, but he won't sign them. Doesn't want anything legal. He wants us to work out. I would love us to work out too. I am sure I still love him on some level and 35 years is a long time. And he has been my best love/hate friend for all that time. But I know I can't go back to the way we were living. It felt like a slow death. But now I feel so in limbo. And something is holding me back from making the moves.
Sorry this is such a long post! Thank you so much for listening. I welcome any and all you have to say.
Love, Cubby

#147583 - 05/03/08 02:37 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
yonuh Offline

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
Welcome, Cubby. I can so relate to what you are saying about your hubby. My ex was much the same in that he was controlling by being distant or by ignoring me, which was behavior I finally decided wasn't going to continue. We divorced after 25 years. It was hard but the best thing I ever did. We divorced in '93. Two years later, I met a wonderful man, and we have been together ever since. We are not compatible in everything, but he does what he likes, I do what I like, and we have things we do together.

You are the only one to decide what is best for you, and you have to decide what is best for you. I think that as boomer women, we have been raised to put everyone else first, and that isn't good for anyone. If we don't take care of ourselves first, how can we have the strength and energy to take care of anyone else??

So whatever you decide, we sisters are here for you.
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

#147584 - 05/03/08 02:50 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: yonuh]

Cubby, seems like you and your husband are good friends, which is hard to find; yet, not lovers? Wonder if you could propose 'dating' and see if you can rekindle the marriage? If not, then in time you will do the right thing.

#147585 - 05/03/08 06:00 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: ]
Edelweiss Offline

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Cubby, you found the right place to vent, get some good advice, and just find sympathetic listeners.

After reading your post, my first thought was; why would she want to go back? You have your own home and you have established yourself. That’s great. Do you want to go back because you’re lonely? Is it because you feel sorry for your husband? Is it because you believe he has really changed and will stay that way?

A good friend of mine left her husband. After two years of his wooing and begging, she returned to him. It took him only three months to fall into his old habits. Her days were filled with regrets and beating on herself. She finally got up the mum to leave her husband again, when he got a stroke. He was helpless without her, and she ended up having to nurse him till he died. But during that time she hated her life, and became depressive. Now that she is a widow, she says she is too old
and emotionally drained to start up a relationship with anyone else. She says she missed her boat.

Now I’m not saying this has to be your life. What I’m saying is, if you go back…make sure you are positive it is what you really want, and not what your hubby wants.

What is rushing you? I think MustangGal’s suggestion is a good one. Just date, but keep separate addresses. It gives you time to decide, and who cares if it takes a year or 10 years. You control your life. Don’t let anyone control it for you.


#147586 - 05/03/08 07:53 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Edelweiss]
humlan Offline

Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
Cubby..I can´t add too much to what has been said here..really good thoughts and advice!

I just wanted to tell you that I,too, seperated from my husband of 32yrs at the merry age of you. I won´t deny that it was very difficult for quite a few years afterward..lots of soul searching..going back to the own childhood which had lots of problems (my mom staid with my alcoholic father,too (tho he stopped drinking when I was 18)..and they had a very tight relationship until my father died some 3 yrs back)..and I guess, I just stirred up my whole life and tried to put it back together again..which I have done..well, more or less. Depends on the day you ask me and how I feel, I guess But today..8 yrs later.. I am living with a new partner, who is much younger than myself..and my 18yr old son (1 of my 5 kids) lives me in our 1 bedroom apartment . But hej.. I am breathing more freely..and living a life I believe in..most of the time .

Yes, we are divorced..legally ..more than year later after the seperation. I,too, had hoped we could talk and perhaps get closer if I made a move and showed my hubby that I was serious..but it didn´t change anything, unfortunately.

Anyway..I guess that you have to feel that you have left no leaf unturned..and really tried to put it together know, like Humpty Dumpty..and then comes the point where you just can´t do anymore or wait anymore..because your own life is flowing thru your hands..or that point never comes..and you can make it work again!

Anyway..I hear you as do the women here at this site!
"some sacred place.."

#147587 - 05/03/08 08:36 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
humlan Offline

Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
P.S. Cubby..I have just recently gotten into the "Law of Attraction" myself..and am amazed how I keep stumbling on it everywhere..very very interesting..hmm..maybe it does really you say. Just today I found that finally my favorite bookstore on the net has all the far as I know, just a few weeks ago,they didn´t carry them yet! I live in I have to order my books in English over the net. Amazon is no good for me..the shipping costs are murder

In the thread on Contentment or the one about Boxes..Eagleheart mentions links to more Info on the Law of Allowing and Vibrations..have a look if you want..those links are interesting,too..and they offer coaching, if you are interested.

Back to my detective series on tv, then..Frost! My Saturday evening enjoyment most of the time..that and sushi!!!
"some sacred place.."

#147588 - 05/03/08 08:48 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: humlan]
Cubby Offline

Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 12
Well I knew I came to the right place. You are all so smart, but not just smart, you have wisdom. And you are so supportive, I cannot thank you enough for it. I appreciate everything you write and cannot tell you how much it helps me to sort things out.

Earlier I read on a different thread (but here) about a woman who was going through a divorce, having good days and bad days, and grieving the loss of unfulfilled dreams or the expected life that now she would never have with her husband and family. I think I may be feeling some of this too. I expected we would grow old together and be happy in the house we both worked so hard on and lived in for many years. I expected us to eventually retire and travel and enjoy life. I expected us to be there for each other. I expected the love we once shared to never go away........

And what is very difficult for me is that since I am a person who absolutely hates confrontation is that I am the one who initiated it. He would have been content to live live that way forever. I couldn't any more.

I wonder if I am the eternal optimist, a Pollyanna so to speak, thinking it will get better, it has to. But I know it doesn't have to. And stories don't always end like fairy tales. But I wish this one would.......

Then again, as beautiful Edelweiss so astutely pointed out, I have my own house, I pay my own bills, no one controls me! And I felt controlled living with my husband even though we each were very independent. I was controlled when I felt guilty for not wanting sex, when he refused to talk to me for weeks on end, when he would be in a bad temper and yell about my stuff lying around, when he refused to eat the food I cooked because he wasn't hungry, and on and on. I lived on his terms then, he would say he lived on my terms, but now we live on our own terms.

My therapist tells me we tend to forget the bad and focus on only the good. She is right. I can focus on the bad if I think about it. But when I see him and my old house, I am thrown off for days, sad. When I am on my own I am much better and live my life. I am not lonely, but love my time alone, have my work and my granddaughter (who is a 14 yr old with all of the trappings!) have a small Ebay business, go to auctions, movies, out to eat, places with a couple of good friends. At times I miss my old life, my house especially, it was beautiful and mine now is small. Life is good, busy, but I know I am in limbo and think I would be better off if I weren't!
I love your advice, I love your stories, you are such strong, good women. Thank-you all. Hope to hear from you again.

#147589 - 05/04/08 08:57 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
chatty lady Offline

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Cubby first let me welcome you to our family and I hope my answer to your PM was satisfactory.
Dating your ex might work and is a different approach but in my experience, its best to "sh// or get off the pot," as the saying goes. If in 35 years the marriage didn't work and sounds somewhat miserable for you to me, then why wait, why waste more of your life on this man? Get it done, conquer your fear, thats the feeling you are having deep in your guts, fear of losing whatever it was you had, or actually losing what you wanted to have. You have done so much making a life for yourself now on your own, don'took back, theres nothing there but the same old, same old. Why isn't your husband the one doing the chasing, on his knees trying to win you back?????? Look ahead and maybe you'll one day find someone who will SPOIL you, and you know what I mean by that!!!

Edited by chatty lady (05/04/08 09:00 PM)
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