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#13809 - 04/06/04 08:08 AM "Codependent No More", interesting reading
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
I've been reading this book - "Codependents No More" which is really pretty interesting. While I've done very well about going about my business and continuing to be alive in the midst of a sometimes chaotic life, the book pointed out lots of areas where I could use some fine tuning and a totally different perspective.
While I'm no shrinking violet and I always have a very good idea of exactly what I'm thinking, I am always willing to listen to helpful suggestions. It talks about not letting the anger, bitterness or resentment (whatever you've got) not take control over your happiness, or ruin your ability to enjoy completely what is good and true. It's so easy to forget when you're in the middle of a trying situation.
Anyway, the book is kind of old, late 80s or early 90s but I think the information is timeless.
... just in case anyone else has issues that are similar but don't feel like openly discussing it. I got the book, used, for a few bucks on Amazon.com.

Kate [Razz]

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#13810 - 04/07/04 05:36 AM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
I read that book for a class years ago. I thought of it when I read your posts
smile

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#13811 - 04/07/04 09:11 AM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
It's horrible to be that transparent. I hate being a cliche'. What happened to me?

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#13812 - 04/07/04 01:29 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Kate
Please don't think I have any way of knowing if you are codependent or not. Or even that it is always a bad thing. Seems like it's hard to tel if you are codependent or loving.

I just thought of the book as I read your posts because I thought it might be a danger for you. I hope the book will give you the information you need to know what is best for YOU and to do what you have to care for both yourself and your family.

You will be in my prayers.
smile

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#13813 - 04/07/04 04:05 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Smilie....thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I think what I fear the most is being paralyzed; doing nothing. It's not a place I get too often but occasionally I feel overwhelmed and trapped in a situation that I've evidently allowed and probably helped to flourish in my caring.
I just keep waking up thinking "How did this happen?" "How did I get here?" But the negatives build, stone upon stone, just like a bank account would if I could find a way to hold on to two nickels at a time. I tend to think that everything could be pretty much solved with money but of course that would be way too simple. So then I ask myself.... if I had money, would it make my happy. Well, as shallow as it sounds, yes, but of course no. If I didn't have all the bills and the mortgage to take care of, I would probably be a lot more relaxed and be able to let life unfold, but since that isn't the case, I feel like I'm grasping for any kind of control. Over anything. (so I ate mashed potatoes last night)(very bad on Atkins).
I don't know that I trust (today anyway) my ability to change anything. I thought I had backbone but maybe I don't. But I figure I'll give myself some time with AlAnon and regroup.
It's 5:30 in the morning and I haven't slept in hours so this may not make any sense whatsoever. I find that the only place I find peace is either at work, with my children (for the most part) or when I'm drawing or painting and am immersed in thought. Things that need to be done with my house, painting, fence work, tree trimming, etc. are overwhelming and I can't afford it; my husband has applied for Social Security which is another issue in itself, so at the moment there's absolutely no income from him and it could be like that for 6 months, the mortgage still needs to be paid every month, the same with the utilities and my kids still want to eat. I'm a little angry because I had planned on going to visit my mother and grandmother this weekend and after tossing and turning for hours, I realize that I can't. We just can't afford it. We live about 6-7 hours away and the car issue is something that always comes up. Things need to be done on our car, or we could rent one, either way, it's money that should be spent on the gas bill, the light bill......whatever. And is it difficult for me to place blame....oh heck no...that's not difficult... and have I figured out how to process this......oh heck no. And that's where the book comes in - how to let that resentment not flow into every other thing that is good and wonderful and lovely in my life.
Obviously, I haven't talked about those at all.
And a good morning to you!

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#13814 - 04/07/04 06:43 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Dreamer
Maybe you are just now coming to terms with some of the things in your life that have needed addressing for some time.
Sounds like you are simply overwhelmed. I've been overwhelmed by different things in the past. I think I got past it with prayer and by finding joy in very small daily changes then blindly moving forward with determination.
It helps me to know God as a parent who like me would want the best for all of his childre and would want themt to share, but would not want one to sacrifice themselves for the other. I have to remind myself that I am not Christ. He was sacrificed for me. I don't have to sacrifice for him.
An addict once told me that he got a huge high much like falling in love when he first took his drug and that he kept taking more and more to get that high again. He said after the first time, he would get stoned but he never truly got high.
He called his addiction an unrequited love affair.
He said no matter how much he loved a woman, his first love would always be the drug. He said sex and romance could never quite compare to his first high and that even during initmate moments his desires went to his drug. He said would take advantage of women or anyone else to get to his true love, the drug and he almost felt righteous about it.
He was a very intelligent and open person and was always in detox or treatment of some sort. He made various attempts, but never to my knowledge got past the addiction. It seemed such a loss to society.
You should check with someone who's been there. I once worked with the disabled and I think it most often years to get Social Security, especially for an addiction.
Pray. It's the only way.
smile

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#13815 - 04/07/04 08:57 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dreamer and smile, mind if I drop in on what you've got going here? It's so real and honest.

Dreamer, I first want you know that you HAVE talked about the other things in your life that are good, wonderful, and lovely. You have shared about your family, good friends, and love of arts and crafts. We DO know another side of you. [Big Grin]

I'm glad to hear you're reading the book and attending Al-Anon. I think it will help you see that you're not alone and that other people have been through it and gotten to the other side.

What saddens me is there have been times that your husband is ready for help and hasn't been able to get it. Your husband isn't the only person I know who's wanted treatment and not been able to get it. Unfortunately, in some areas it's easier and cheaper to stay on the drug of choice.

I think of you often and offer up prayers for strength. You're such a loving woman. I see it in your posts. I just don't want you to be robbed of the joys in your life. From your post it sounds like you find peace in many people and things. Keep focusing on the blessings and God carrying you day to day.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

He's walking with you every step of the way...
Please find peace in knowing others are covering you in prayer. [Wink]

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#13816 - 04/08/04 06:16 AM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Thank you both for the prayers and thoughts. I just came back from my first-in-10-years Al Anon meeting. Well, that was like a breath of fresh air. I think I can do this. It will take some practice to concern myself with myself but one of the points that was made (and I know I've read it but haven't probably practiced it) was that while I'm learning my life lessons (from the God of my choice... which is God) I do a disservice when I don't let others learn their own lessons in their own time and their own way. So as I go, I'm sure more will be revealed and I'll share along the way if anyone wants to know.

Still-A-Dreamr (thank God)
Kate

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#13817 - 04/08/04 05:35 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Kate, gald to hear you got to your fisrt meting. That's commendable! [Big Grin] I'm glad to hear you're taking time for yourself. I know it's hard because of work and the kids, but it'sso important.

Just remember that there is a season for everything in life. I believe this is your season to delve deeper, listen intently, and breathe the fresh air. You CAN do it and you will. We're here to listen and help you work through this.

Blessings,
A friend of the dreamer (thank God) [Big Grin]

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#13818 - 04/09/04 02:34 AM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Kate, my cousin Arlene who was always my best friend as we grew up, we got married together and had our first child, both boys only a month apart. Our two familys were inseperable. I lost my husband and she was there for me. About a year later her handsome husband, a hard worker, started stopping after work with the boys for a few beers. A few led to many more and he was almost never home for dinner and when he did come home, half the time he'd fall asleep in the car, or drop on the steps leading upstair to the bedroom and sleep. They fought horribly, they drifted apart and his drinking became a constant thing although he never did miss work. She talked to the priest and he was the one that suggested Ala-non. For many years she attended meetings and that saved her marriage Not being an addictive personality herself, she didn't understand him at all, until those meetings. I had moved away by then and the people she met became her life line. I hope you can find the strength you need to carry you through anothers addiction. Happy ending, Dick stopped drinking on his own years ago and they will celebrate their 49th anniversary later this month. He's been alcohol free now for 20 years or so. [Smile]

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