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#13717 - 10/15/03 10:34 AM I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
I'm not trying to pry whatsoever, I've got one in my life. I'd like to discuss this ......well, really, I don't know what I want to do. I think I handle things well and I've got some really strong feelings about comittment and loyalty and what I teach my children....and I know there has got to be other women who deal with a similar situation... I know how I cope but I'm wondering how others do.
So since I'm new I won't drag this on and on. I'll wait to see if I'm the only one.

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#13718 - 10/15/03 03:32 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Please know you are not prying. Asking for help, encouraging others, and supporting others is what this forum is all about. [Wink]

Also, trust me, you are not the only one. [Wink]

While I have not had to do with drug abuse by someone living in my home, I've had to deal with it in loved ones. Alcohol and drug addiction certainly have the ripple effect in families and with close friends.

I'm going to try to see if someone I know would be willing to chat with you by e-mail... if that's okay.

I'm glad you're here and hope you will find someone to communicate with since you've willingly opened your heart.

Please know it's a disease and you are not to blame! I'll be in touch with you later in the day by e-mail. [Wink]

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#13719 - 10/15/03 04:35 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
DreamrKate,
Welcome to our home. As Dotsie has already said, don't be afraid to ask anything. You will find nothing but loving, caring individuals in this forum. Just remember, I'm the queen and you have to show due respect! LOL! Just joshing.

I have not had to deal directly with drug abuse; however, I know ones who have. I have heard horror stories involving their children, spouse, sibling and even Mothers. Some have overcome, some have not. The one thing that seems to be a common factor in the successful ones is that the person with the problem WANTED TO GET BETTER.

I wish I had a magic wand to make this problem go away for you, but I do not. I will tell you that prayer has worked wonders in my life and if you would like, I would be grateful to ask the good Lord to help you and guide you. Please know that we are here to help with support. Don't be afraid...you have friends here. [Smile]

[ October 15, 2003, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: jawjaw ]

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#13720 - 10/16/03 04:54 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
What a wonderful welcome Ladies! Thank you for making me feel so "at home". It's sort of nice to be somewhere anonymous....this is anonymous, right? Anyway... I found this site because I was looking to ....well, I guess I was looking to share my story...actually I was looking for an online way to submit a query "letter" for a magazine. I know this is a very edgy subject but if I've lived with this for all my marriage (25 years). It's my feeling (and I could be wrong) that there must be other people like me who have navigated around this problem to make a pretty full life. And so that's kind of my thrust.....I've managed, and it hasn't always been horrible, and I have managed to be able to relax some of the time and I have a fairly good life. Well I think it's fairly good...but it is odd sometimes how you (me) measure your (my) life against other people's and how you figure out where you are.

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#13721 - 10/16/03 05:22 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
DK,
I read your post and I am a little confused. Are you saying you are looking for somewhere on the net to send a query letter hoping to submit your story about living with this problem? If so, I might be able to help you, but I would need to know more. Your call...feel free to email me privately.

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#13722 - 10/16/03 07:31 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
I guess I forget that you don't know me... I kind of think in pieces I guess. You know, my thoughts are like 12 people trying to get out a door at the same time. Actually, the way I found this site was that I was looking for a woman's magazine site where I could submit a query - to find out if there was any interest in having a situation like this come to light - by sharing my story. However, I came upon this site, looked at it and thought "wow, a woman's forum, where there might be other women that have shared the same situation but maybe have handled their lives differently. I just hit 50 this year and I feel like I'm entering, or have been entering a complete wakening and I could be in the "I am woman, hear me roar" stage.... although, I must say, I really hate cliches.

Does that make better sense?

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#13723 - 10/16/03 03:13 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
DK,

Don't know if I want to e-mail you because it sounds as though it wouldn't be cool if this special someone learned you were sharing this information. Is that right?

My friend that I had in mind had a child who was a drug user. I am guessing in your case it may be your spouse.

Are you interested in sharing your story in here to get feedback from your peers, unload, seek guidance, or all of these? Just let me know and I'll see what I can do.

Now if you are interested in sharing your story, you can always submit it for my book project. I continue to collect stories and your topic definitely fits the description.

The story should explain your situation and at the end there should be some kind of reflection. Have you written your story yet? If not, it's very possible that when you get it down on paper you will learn things you didn't even know about yourself and the situation.

Anyway, please keep us posted. [Wink] Sounds to me from your last post that you are finding your voice and are willing to share it at the expense of helping yourself and others. I say, blessings on you. [Wink] Sharing our stories heals people. [Big Grin]

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#13724 - 10/16/03 05:10 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Good morning Ladies~ Dotsie, to answer your questions... I think I am looking for it all - a place to reflect, share, and write, so please don't think that you're missing anything. My person IS my spouse and his drug addiction, when it's active, affects everything he does, much like when he is not taking anything, how this too affects everything around him. I read something recently, but I don't know where, that said that at least five people are affected by the user when they are "sick". And those same people, when the user decides to begin the healing process, begin to heal as well. I thought that was rather interesting because I have seen this and I've found it to be true-at least in our case. We have four wonderful, delightful children who range from 10 to 22...they are happy and healthy and responsible and I've had this love affair going on with them since the day they were born. My husband does too, when he's emotionally available. Maybe my story is "Why I Stayed"... I don't know yet. Maybe what I seek here is response, to measure my own motives, to seek validation of my own. Marriage and relationships are so different to each person, we all strive to glean something different from it, probably depending on where we've been in our lives and what our past familial experiences have been. For whatever reason, I evidently have a need to care and my husband (and he is really a good man, contrary to what your preconcieved notion might be) needs to be cared for... but... does that mean 'forever'? I haven't decided. I think I'm waiting for a sign. A sign that I've shared with God and no other living person... just so I know it's HIM I'm hearing from. So... you may email me at work during the day, I'm on California time, and you're always welcome to email me at home later too. I think I posted those on my profile. You have access to that, right? If not, I'll check when I get to work, where I'm going right now, and I'll send it to you.

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#13725 - 10/16/03 09:02 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Oh my GOD... I'm the longest-winded person in here. I'll try to calm down.

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#13726 - 10/16/03 09:36 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
no dearie...that honor belongs to the Queen...also better known (and loved by all)as...that old bag of wind...heheheh...

hey...that's what you are here for...to explode, expel, or expand! Go for it, you are among friends...

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#13727 - 10/17/03 06:46 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Anyone still up?

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#13728 - 10/17/03 11:02 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
I'm reading this 1am Cali time. Are you still up?

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#13729 - 10/17/03 04:04 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
DK, I know a couple situations where people are living with spouses who either have or are abusing illegal drugs.

Trust me, you are not alone. [Wink]

I'm sorry but I don't think any of them would be intersted in chatting about it. They are not where you are yet. Still in the protective stage. I say whatever works for you and your family.

As jawjaw mentioned, I think prayer is a great place to unload. God hears and loves you and wants to do whatever He can for you to make you whole and healthy with Him.

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#13730 - 10/17/03 11:06 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Meridith -At 4 a.m. I was finally sleeping. I'm at work by 7 a.m. so the latest I usually stay up is 1.

Dotsie - I think that everyone finds their own rhythm in dealing with things. If you saw us, our family, on most days, you'd never know that there was anything wrong. And typically, most days, nothing is wrong. We go to church, we have friends, I have wonderful friends and if my husband is available we do things together, if he's not, I still go out and do things, go to the movies, go to galleries, bookstores, to dinner out, to the movies.. whatever. That would not be how I thought it was going to be but as much as possible, I do not let his actions dictate my day. Thank god for working at a newspaper, you really can't get too consumed by anything else but the deadlines at hand. And I don't let my emotions get all drama stricken either. It's not that it's easy, it's just that, if I do, I'll get sick of myself and won't be able to be in the same room with me. And I think I've taught my children the same thing...you know... life goes on and you can either lay down and sob and say "woe is me" or you think "okay... what can I do?" ... for me - when I felt like my day/life/minute was out of control, I went and washed dishes. I'm all for dish-therapy. It's mindless but you can do a good job; nobody wants to bug you for fear that they might be enlisted; and you have a sense of accomplishment when you've completed your task. It sound silly but that's how I've made it through some stressful times. And I know it's sounds horribly simplistic, but accomplishment is a really big esteem boost, even if it seems very small. "Despise not small beginnings." Fold towel, do dishes, scoop poop even....I just don't think I do anything beneficial if I were to go out drinking or go on strike or even scream, shout and have a tantrum. And if I do any of those things... what message do I send my children?

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#13731 - 10/19/03 09:47 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
DK -

I have to admire "where you are" at this point in your life -- maybe you don't even realize how "together" you really are [Smile]

You obviously have lived/living with some hard things to deal with -- but if you've taught your children that the choice is their's -- in fact -- that they even HAVE a choice -- either roll with the punches and be stronger for it or be a "woe-is-me" says a great deal for your inner strength and character !! And the fact that your children still love their father says more about you than my words can express at the moment -- and you have my respect.

I've dealt with a few "adversities" in my life and turned 50 this year myself so I can relate to your "dishwashing therapy" -- sometimes it's best to step out and nurture a "calm place" inside -- and gather the strength to deal with the situation in a "rational" manner.

I think sometimes we think that only someone going through the EXACT situation as we are can relate to our situation -- but the emotions that surface with any stressfull situation -- be it drugs, mental illness, marriage and/or family -- anything that effects your soul -- can be related to by many women in this forum, and where - true -some people aren't where you are yet -- your sharing helps them find something inside to relate to and helps them start to move forward -- What might be a casual thought to one person may be an epiphany to someone else [Smile]

so welcome -- and know that you're not alone anymore [Smile]

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#13732 - 10/19/03 10:01 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
sigh...that's my Lionspaw...does this girl have the gift of clarity or what? She is such a healer of souls and I for one am sooo proud she is a member of our "family." Thanks Ms. Paws...you do a heart good when you post. As do the rest of the herd...or should I say " Heards " because we all are hearing each other and in doing so, we are healing in the process.

GROUP HUG!

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#13733 - 10/19/03 10:28 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
and i would give up all my "clarity" for your wonderful sense of humor and gift to be able to laugh at life like you do "gaeorgaia" [Wink] (sorry - forgive my floridian accent [Smile] )

by the way -- your kind words couldn't have come at a better time -- THANKS [Smile]

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#13734 - 10/19/03 11:51 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
quote:
Originally posted by lionspaaw:
DK -

What might be a casual thought to one person may be an epiphany to someone else [Smile]

so welcome -- and know that you're not alone anymore [Smile]

Lion, Amen to that! This is one of the reasons I chose to undertake this boomerwomenspeak project. I believe we can be healed, and inspired by hearing each other's stories. Sorta like touching each other's wounds. [Wink]

I also believe enthusiasm and spirit is caught in the same way.

I was so glad to see you back in here and sharing! You have tremendous insight and I'm glad you are willing to share it with our online family....that will one day meet face to face! [Big Grin]

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#13735 - 10/20/03 12:13 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
I second that amen Dotsie. And I also second the declaration of us all meeting some day. Is that going to be fun or what? Every one of us talking at once, laughing together, hugs around the rooms, and of course, ME holding court...eheheh...what? what?

Did you think I would get through a whole paragraph without reminding everyone who was Queen?

Fat chance...

Many thanks to you LP for the nice things you said. Just call us Ms. Clarity and Ms. Clarabell (the clown)

Hugs and blessings to ya...

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#13736 - 10/20/03 02:17 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Girls ~ it's so good to find a place to share.
It's amazing to be encouraged. I have felt strongly about telling 'my story' for a long time but I have to admit I feel a bit silly.
Why?
I don't know.
Probably because for years I've tried to keep the focus off of my life. I didn't want anyone peering into it too much - and yet, I'm very open. I'll share honestly, openly and willingly.
If there is someone else out there whose head is spinning and screaming on the inside "what am I going to do, WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOOOO?" and if I can help in any way make them feel like a valuable person, make them understand that they have something to offer the world, then terrific! Then it's worth it.

K

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#13737 - 10/20/03 05:49 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
DreamerKate,
Maybe the good Lord put you down here to be a healer and a teacher? Just a thought.

I mean you are obviously good to your family and hubby, keeping everyone together, even under sometimes bad circumstances, offering support, and my guess is you are the one your friends turn to for advice and a shoulder, am I right? You also express the need to make others feel worthy...sooo give that, maybe God's purpose for you is to teach others that LOVE conquers all. Because it does.

Just my two cents worth...again...but pay attention, cause I'm going up on the price... [Wink]

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#13738 - 10/20/03 07:39 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Over the years I've come across a handful of people who have lived in some similar situations but I think for several years I felt overwhelmed by my own tornado that I would have been no help to anyone. But I remember very specifically one afternoon when I would swear on the lives of everyone I love, that I heard His voice. And as I was washing dishes (oh THAT's why I do those!) I heard a voice behind me. I jolted and turned around thinking it was my husband, who had gone for a pack of cigarettes several days earlier and had not returned yet. But no one was there. And the kids were somewhere, I don't remember, somewhere playing in the neighborhood. But I turned the water off... and I swear to GOD this is absolute truth, no exaggeration, no embellishments whatsoever, and I heard Him say "What do you want?"
I had spent the nights before tossing and turning thinking "I've got to get out of this, I can't take this uncertainty anymore."
Mind you, my husband is not mean, he's not unkind, he doesn't drink, he doesn't bring drug people anywhere near our home, he's never cheated on me, but for whatever reason, and no one has ever been able to explain the actions of alcoholics or drug addicts (or overeaters, or gamblers or sex addicts, whatever) he will lapse and stay gone, getting high until he's a broken, lonely, very crushed person.
So on this day... when my mind was going worse than any sped up hamster on it's wheel, I heard God speak... to me... and he wanted to know what I wanted.
And in that moment, everything stopped. You can call it stress overload, you can call it hallucinations caused by anxiety, call it whatever you want, but it was in that moment that I knew that God would be leading me through this, for whatever reason, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
And I told God, right there in my kitchen, looking like probably a crazy person with wet hands, that I wanted my husband back, just like how he was when he first got saved, fresh and new, clean, and free of drugs. Because I had seen him like before for long stretches of time so I know what I have when he's clean. He's a handsome, caring, gentle, loving person. When he's loaded, he's selfish, self-centered and he's just slightly off. And I don't want less than the 'right' husband. So that is what I told God that I wanted. And we're still working on getting there... we've almost made it, too. We're a work in progress, but I've got peace now.
In other relationships (not mine but friends') I've seen different variations of how their families deal with the situation. Some have created a situation where their children side with them; some where the children have told the afflicted parent to 'get out'; some where they've gotten in the parent's face and told them how much they "hate them" and "why do they do that?"
I think I've seen so much rage and helplessness that I didn't want that for my children. I want them to be angry when they need to but to also scrutinize what they feel and put it in it's appropriate place - because not all anger is actually anger, sometimes it's loneliness, sometimes it's that helpless state or the fear of the unknown. And I make them understand that they will always be taken care of, we both love them, this is something that their Dad needs to get through - he's not doing it to me, he's not doing it to them. There's some lonliness he feels, has felt for years and years that no one can fix except him, and if he does enough soul searching and as long as he keeps getting back up every time he falls, then there's hope.
Now I'm not saying that my way is for everyone, but giving it some deep, rational thought before making drastic life changing decisions, I think, is very important.
To seperate, for us, would be devastating, it would crush my children and my husband, and to what end? To prove some point to other people that "I'm not going to take this crap from you!"? No. And would I be happier? Maybe sometimes but we are and always have been such a family. I think that's what we were meant to be and for now, we help each other, we care for each other and love will conquer in one way or another, all.

To lighten up a bit....mmmm.....I don't know if my friends really come to me for advice but God knows I do always have an opinion. I just don't always believe in taking the easy way out, just because it fits and feels good doesn't always make it right.
Although you haven't seen it here.. I think my friends have me more for comic relief than anything; my ability to laugh at myself and make them do the same thing.
God, if you can't wake up in the morning and be glad you're alive, what is there? If there's no laughter in my day, what purpose has it served? Laughter is good for the soul and for the mind and body - I will always be healthy.

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#13739 - 10/20/03 08:34 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Seriously, there must be a word count I'm supposed to stay under.....I'm horribly embarrassed.

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#13740 - 10/20/03 03:59 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Evie Offline
Member

Registered: 08/27/03
Posts: 791
Loc: Nipigon, Ontario Canada
You are a tremendously compassionate and understanding woman, and I think its a blessing that you know what kind of man your husband is when he's "sober" (for lack of better term) and that you've also nurtured your children's relationship with him.

My father-in-law is an alcoholic. I have no idea what kind of man he was like before he drank. I'm not sure my hubby even remembers anymore what kind of Dad he was before the drinking, and for that matter I don't think his wife does either. I'm not sure if he was ever a "nice" man. I'd like to believe there is some good in everyone. I understand alcoholism as a sickness and what horrible self-hatred this man must possess. I think deep down his family harbors the hope that one day he'll quit drinking and they'll be a somewhat normal family. For now, he's mean, abusive and controlling - so controlling that he doesn't let his wife have communication with her children or grandchildren if he's mad at them.

My grandfather also struggled with alcoholism, but for the better part of my growing up he was in AA and dealing with it. He left some wonderful poetry behind that really shows the struggle he had with alcohol, his feelings of self-worth, his loneliness, etc. He was a good man, loved his wife and family and my grandmother did a fine job of keeping it all "together".

So what was my original point in all this? [Confused] I think I just wanted to say that I honor all that you have done with your family, I think you have a capacity to really teach and help others struggling through the same issues and that I hope you find a venue for your writing that will share that with those that need to hear it.

Or, maybe I was just trying to write a longer post than you [Razz] (not really.....)

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#13741 - 10/20/03 08:34 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Maggie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/03
Posts: 765
Loc: Oregon
Dreamkate,
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts.
I love the way you write and I too feel you can help those who really need it when they are ready.
Keep up all the good you are doing!!!
Maggie

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#13742 - 10/21/03 07:34 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
This evening I got a call from a dear, dear friend. Her daughter, the girl I've known since she was maybe 14 and used to babysit our children, absolutely beautiful girl, has a drug problem. She's 30 now, 4 children, three fathers, and has been getting that oxy-contrin that has made the big splash in the news lately. That along with vicodin and something else.
I sat here on the other end of the phone, completely helpless, trying not to tell her that she needs to 'let go.' My friend is in Arizona. Her daughter is here, in mid-California, somewhere within a 20 mile radius of me. But I don't know where she is, her mother doesn't know where she is.
So... here with my "vast" knowledge of how 'the other half' thinks/lives/connives I felt horrible that I had to tell her that there won't be any way for her to understand what her daughter is thinking. That they get high because of a deep-rooted pain. They get high because there's air; they get high because they're angry, lonely, tired, hungry; because they feel familiar with that non feeling.....that coerced feeling of warmth that comes over them that becomes so familiar, so comfortable that it's a necessary part of their day and they're lonely without it.
How do you tell a mother that? I only gleaned this over many years. It almost seems sad to take it away from them. It's like a thick warm blanket that shields them from the world...but it shields them from life.
So I told her that she'll have to entertain the ideas that her daughter will probably have her children taken away. She'll probably wreck her car, lose her job, lose her house. She'll probably borrow money and not pay it back. She'll probably go through a million other things that would make my friend and most of us cringe. But if she has the strength of character, she'll make it, if everyone gets out of her way. But then again - she might not.
And there's nothing she can do. As much as we love the people we love, we can no more crawl into their skin any more than we'd have them crawl into ours.
Because we are our own individuals. We choose our own life path, we make our own choice, even when it's wrong. If we're lucky, we know how to reach out when help is offered.
But sometimes we do not.

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#13743 - 10/21/03 04:56 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
DK, even though you can't fix your friend's child, just know you are working wonders for her by LISTENING.

Just getting things off her chest helps her tremendously. You see, she no longer has this as a secret. [Wink] I bet she isn't giving every one she runs into all the details she's given you. You are her blessing in the midst of her craziness. You listen and don't judge. [Wink]

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#13744 - 10/21/03 05:59 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
I have felt for a long time that the whole point in life is NOT necessarily to be happy, but more pointedly, that there is some bigger picture. There's something so much more vast than me, than my little life. I think we miss the big picture a lot of times.

I don't think it was necessarily God's intention that we were supposed to be down here having this great time. I do think, however, if we enjoy as we journey, I think that's an added dividend.

I think that you can learn something from every person you meet. If you don't learn directly FROM them, I think you can learn something from your interaction WITH them; or you can fine tune yourself as a person because of your reaction TO them. Sometimes our lessons come in the most unlikely packages, I think we just have to be still to hear them.

***And this, just out, from the most blabbery one in here.***

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#13745 - 10/22/03 01:26 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
DK writes:

It almost seems sad to take it away from them. It's like a thick warm blanket that shields them from the world...but it shields them from life.
-------------------------------------------------
wow -- it's not very often that someone on the "outside" can put in words what it can be all about

and there's where the resentments come in -- when someone who isn't "there" tries to take it all away

addictions don't preach, they don't scold, and most important -- they don't make you look in the mirror -- they just allow you to pretend -- even if it's just for a moment -- that it's okay to be you

COP OUT ???? of course -- but when you have the self esteem of an addict -- cop outs can be your only friend

so you wrap yourself up in the one thing that will comfort you -- like a crying infant -- they don't know what they want -- what's wrong with their world -- they just know that when that bottle hits their lips -- and that warm formula hits their emptiness -- they feel instantly better -- and it doesn't matter that they've just made everyone around them ready to pull out their hair -- they just know instant gratification

and somewhere along the line i've totally forgotten what my point was [Smile] man these senior moments are getting bad

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#13746 - 10/22/03 06:18 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
DJ... I saw your post earlier today and was trying to sort out my thoughts.

I admire your ability to get out and make a life of your own. And your friend's. And that may be the road I take later. But for now, this is what I need to be doing.

People are different, relationships are different, I don't ever think that the situation is perfect, but some days, some years - just sometimes they are perfect.

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#13747 - 10/23/03 06:57 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Okay... so 'perfect' is an overstatement.

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#13748 - 10/23/03 04:15 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
DK, I tend to overstate things too. In my writing I'm trying to be very honest so there's no room for sarcasm with my style on certain subjects.

However, the Queen can use sarcasm and overstatements and it serves her writing very well.

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#13749 - 10/29/03 03:37 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DJ Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/02
Posts: 1149
Loc: Ohio
I worked for 10 years in an outpatient center for emotionally ill adults, including recovering drug addicts and alcoholics, and had many a conversation with them. They quite frankly talked about how self centered they'd been, when involved in their consciousness altering behavior, indulging. The professionals sometimes call it self medication on account of underlying mental illness, like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. I don't know.
I know we've talked elsewhere on this forum about the tendency in our culture to blame bad behavior on illnesses rather than to take responsibility for the behavior. We're becoming, or have become, a country full of "co-dependents", excusing people for their self centeredness, calling it a disease, and standing by while they devastate the lives of others. I don't think that alcoholism and drug abuse are victimless crimes. If nothing else, as my mom used to say, by buying drugs you're supporting the mafia.
Might drug addiction hinder spiritual growth? Getting high must be one of the most selfish activities that exist. It is done without regard for anyone besides oneself. Is that person's pain any deeper or more important than the pain of his family as they stand by and watch him destroy himself? I know that often times the drug abuser believes this to be the case. I've spoken to many a one.

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#13750 - 10/29/03 05:50 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
DJ - I appreciate your response, really. And though I might seem like i'm defending my position here... really I'm not. I don't defend it. I can't even stand it. I really thought, I swear to God, that I could make a difference, I could help, I could crawl in there and fill up the void. In the absence of that happening, I thought maybe he'd come out of it, and sometimes it seems, really, honest to God, like he might. But today, and you know we only speak in days, we can't even speak in months or years, today doesn't look good. And you're right, there's been lots of money go down the toiled. Lots. And right now, I'm angry. I'm angry and yet I, for some idiotic reason, am still trying to take the path of least resistance. I just don't have the energy to deal with the hassle. And as terrible as this sounds, I just don't know how I would do it financially. I feel a lot of time like I've lived in limbo. And today, I don't like it. I do go on about my business, like I've said before but if I'm going to live my own life, why not truly live my own life? It's just making that move.

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#13751 - 10/29/03 06:05 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
"toilet"... that was the word. Toiled? Well THAT's what I'VE been doing for the past 25 years. And it's not to say he's done nothing, but I'd be afraid to measure it. It would come up so short it would be like standing in a "I'm An Idiot" mirror. And yet... in my defense, not that I have to, I look at my children and I look at the family times, and they're great. Our children are wonderful and in part because of him. Had I known all of this, I don't know that I would have done anything different... but I might have stayed 19 for a whole lot longer.

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#13752 - 10/29/03 11:44 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
DJ, I have to agree with you and I have some very strong opinions, often unpopular, on the matter.

Most addictions are not illnesses, they're lifestyle choices.

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#13753 - 10/29/03 11:49 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Kate, we never know what life will bring. We always want/ hope for the best. But there comes a time when we have to redefine our notions of "best." "Best" 20 years ago is not best today. We have to stop putting so much energy into fixing what's broken, and create anew.

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#13754 - 10/29/03 06:10 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
DJ and DK, thanks for sharing such intimacies from your lives. Often I believe we discover important realities simply by writing about them. I'm grateful this forum is a place where we can come (somewhat anonymously) and get feedback from other women that can help us sort things out.

And about this midlife time, I think it's one of the best times in our lives. We can look back with enough sense to discern what is best for us and then try to make choices about what to do next.

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#13755 - 10/29/03 06:14 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
DJ,
I for one want to thank you for sharing your life with us. You are to be admired, and although I did not have a drug abuser around, I did have a husband who had multiply girlfriends. One addiction is as good as another?

Anyway, I had to raise two small children and I also had no one to help. Every cent went to daycare and groceries. I too finished my associate degree at night with my children sitting in my lap. This school, for some unknown wonderful reason, let me do that. I went on to finish my B.S. and part of my Masters.

And I don't mind telling anybody I learned to fix refrigerators, vacuum cleaners, hamburger 1001 ways, change a tire, and still convince my children that their Daddy loved them more than anything, when he wasn't even coming around or seeing them OR paying support. At all. It was very hard, but I learned so much, especially how to forgive. [Smile]

Thanks for sharing,

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#13756 - 10/29/03 09:30 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Thanks, ALL of you. You are all really strong women and I appreciate the sharing and the advice and experiences. I agree that this whole mid-life thing...it's interesting, I've never thought of it as a crisis, but more as an awakening.

And I do think of 'unclaimed youth'that I can't get back. I haven't decided in my list what makes me the angriest. But it is my year. I'm hoping I don't piss it away.

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#13757 - 10/30/03 02:08 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
DreamrKate,

You won't.

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#13758 - 10/30/03 04:33 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
i have to wonder if that "unclaimed youth" is all it's cracked up to be -- i mean -- would you REALLY want to be a youth again ??????

our younger times are for screwing up -- doing things that make you just CRINGE when you get older -- making decisions that you wonder how you survived to look back at them --

if you can look in the mirror and say -- i'm okay -- i made a difference in someone else's life -- i survived -- then what else is it all about ???????

it IS a lifestyle -- but not always one that's easy to figure out how to give up -- i had to let go of that youth to finally find the strength to grow up --

i was the loser -- the one that caused all the pain -- the one who lied and cheated and tried to destroy everything that was good and decent -- the one who hurt my family

and there won't be one day in my life that i won't remember it all -- thank GOD for my husband's decision to love me anyway -- to keep my children from hating me -- to give me the time to find a way back ------

wouldn't it be nice if life came with instructions [Confused]

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#13759 - 10/30/03 05:08 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DJ Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/02
Posts: 1149
Loc: Ohio
I think that's what religion was meant to be.

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#13760 - 10/30/03 05:56 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
I have nothing to add actually...I just wanted to get in on this longest running post we have ever had. Should we call Guinness?

okay, okay, I'll be quiet...

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#13761 - 10/30/03 05:59 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Well, girls, simplistic, and sometimes as stupid as it sounds, it is my faith that has kept me hanging in here. I wish I could have all of you over for an afternoon. So you could meet us, and see our family... I've always prayed and I have truly believed, except for when I get really weary and worn out, that we would be the miracle because my husband keeps trying....and the Bible says that you forgive, how many times? 70 times 70? And if it was me in the same condition, how would I want to be treated? And how would Christ treat someone with the same affliction? But in all honesty, I'm sure that there's a spot in me, that has reveled in being the "right" one. The one who walks the higher path... well how pious of me! A counselor once told me that people stay in dumb situations because there's a pay off. I thought about that for a long time, like years, and it was ugly to see that I stayed because I was the straight arrow (sort of ). I was the one who everyone thought was wonderful to care so much, wonderful to be so strong, wonderful to be such support. But sometimes, I'm just not that pretty.
And my youth? It was regular, I was a little hippy girl, flower child, free spirited and in love with life and the world and really cute guys. I didn't have to try all that much. And in some instance I feel like maybe this is my "work." My time to pay for all the fun. Does any of that make sense?

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#13762 - 10/30/03 06:05 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
JawJaw, you're just too funny. And it IS interesting to know everyone's perspective. The amazing thing is we're all like the seven blind men and the elephant. That's like our life paths, we all have such a different perspective and different ideas of how things can work better for us. My path won't be right for anyone else and theirs may not be right for me.

Lionspaw.....you're brave baring yourself ! But it's sort of freeing isn't it? If you can get out from under the guilt. That's a crusher. It's hard to make someone feel loved when they do't know how to love the person they see in the mirror.
(I was trying to figure out which word to use, "themselves" or "theirself"... couldn't figure it out so I wrote around it. Worked pretty good don't ya think?"

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#13763 - 10/30/03 03:41 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
[Smile] thank goodness for Websters dictionary [Smile]

DK -- I replied to your email -- in case it I didn't do it right and you don't get it -- let me know [Smile]

Maybe that's the test to see if someone is worth helping -- or just an ASS -- stand them in front of the mirror and see how they react -- if they look away -- or stare as if they don't know that person looking back -- give them a chance -- if they "prim" -- kick the #^*&^% out [Smile]

I can say that because I never know who it is that's looking back at me -- but every once and awhile -- I get an inkling that this might be someone worth getting to know [Smile]

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#13764 - 10/30/03 05:00 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
JJ, I admire you for NOT breaking your husband down in front of the kids. Way too often I see women who bach their husbands in front of their children and it breaks my heart.

Lion, how beautiful for you to have felt the love and chosen to make the changes for yourself and family. Unconditional love...there's nothing like it! [Big Grin]
You are one strong person and the fact that you are willing to share that says more than you'll ever know.

And DJ, yes, I think religion is our instruction for living life. Unfortunately, it's not something all of us grasped at a yound age...the reason for many of our mistakes.

This should motivate us to share our faith with youth. [Big Grin]

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#13765 - 10/31/03 08:12 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
Dotsie -- I have an inner strength beyond words --and I see life through the eyes of a child --

I've debated over and over if I should mention my "problem" -- it isn't something many people know about, have experienced, or probably even believe -- it took many tries before I even found a doctor that could help -- but because of my disorder -- I have experienced most of the negatives life has to offer -- dwelled in them for many years -- so parts of me relate to the victim -- and parts of me know the abuser personally.

Clear as mud ??? [Smile]

If I can say one thing that can help someone else cope -- or maybe perhaps look at the situation in a different light -- then maybe my life hasn't been such a waste after all. [Smile]

So I'm happy to bear my twisted soul [Big Grin]

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#13766 - 11/07/03 01:40 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
DK, first of all, Welcome! Second of all, I WILL fight you for the title of "Longest-winded!" [Big Grin] You , too, Jaw [Big Grin] I've had a couple of relationships with active drug abusers....But I've never stayed with them for very long. I can't offer you much camaraderie or feedback or whatever... the abuser I'm dealing with right now is the ex-lover of my best friend... he's stalking us and harassing us, adding to an already complicated mess at home right now. So I'm probably not the best person to talk to about coping with an active addict, because I have such negative feelings about that person's disease(s).

I can tell you this much, though, to your honor and credit; "For better or worse, in sickness and in health," does really mean something important. As long as a woman is not being abused by someone who is ill, I can understand wanting to keep on being at someone's back.

Blessings,
Lil

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#13767 - 11/07/03 02:16 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Evie Offline
Member

Registered: 08/27/03
Posts: 791
Loc: Nipigon, Ontario Canada
Lil, honey, please don't take this the wrong way because it is not meant to be judgemental at all - just concerned - you really seem to have a lot on your plate these days to deal with, and it seems like an awful lot to deal with on your own - so, this advice was given to you in another post, but have you thought about going to someone for some counselling to help sort things out?

yup, I know, none of my business - just concerned, ok?

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#13768 - 11/07/03 05:39 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Aw, shucks, Evie... I opened my big mouth, so all comments are fair game (be gentle is all I ask). Yes, I've thought about it... can't afford much in the way of counseling, and the free stuff isn't worth much. Right now, I'm burying myself in the stuff that I do best... my writing, my prayers and meditations, taking care of myself and everybody else as best I can... Dale Carnegie wrote this fantastic book, which is not nearly as pobpular as _How to Win Friends & Influence People_, but it's much, much better... it's called _How to Stop Worrying and Start Living_. Essentially, Mr. Carnegie's advice is to let go of, and stop trying to control things, that are beyond your reach and control.

Instead, keep yourself too busy for worry to creep in. Do all that you can do, in the time you have to do it in. One day at a time, and all that. I have found that even the best counseling can't tell me what's right for me and my life. I'm the only one that can figure that out. So I'm going to figure that out by just living and making the most of what I need to accomplish.

A few things have fallen into place. My professor freind told me yesterday that he's still interested in using my poetry collection in his classes! So amazingly, my poetry book will well pretty well, even if it's only stuff I'm buying with my author's discount. I still get my profit by selling the book to his students.

Friday, 11/7, I am going to meet with the supervisor of my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor.... the supervisor from Hell rejected my business plan for being an author, after she demanded that I write it in the first place. I have to try to convince her to make exceptions for me and fund my self-publishing projects. Pleae send me prayers and good thoughts... I don't know what I am going to do if she still denies me.

And my former publisher, who promised me a refund for my dissatisfactions by the end of October, has still not sent me a check. I have sent her two reminders now. I could have one of my books in print almost immediately if she would only keep her promise to me....which would greatly improve my outlook on life.

Blessings,
Lil

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#13769 - 11/07/03 05:13 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Evie Offline
Member

Registered: 08/27/03
Posts: 791
Loc: Nipigon, Ontario Canada
Re: the let go and stop trying to control things - its like the saying "Let go, and Let God" - you're right, somethings are beyond are control so no sense worrying about them.

Hope things go well for you today.

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#13770 - 11/08/03 09:24 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Lillian~ You sound so much better today than you did the other day.

Sometimes life can just take it out of us, can't it?

Most days I figure I can do anything but every once in a while I have a day where I wonder why I EVER think that. I mean - sometimes I look at my situation and I think, "what the hell am I thinking?" - but most days, I try to make what works work.

I think my husband is headed for a rehab. We'll talk to our doctor Monday and see what the plan is. However, if THAT isn't in the forseeable future ... I may have to make some other plan.

In the meantime, I humor myself. I think about all the wonderful things I can do today.

... I could make burritos and go give them out at the downtown park to bums.

... I think about the 15 pounds I lost and how swell it feels when I lay on my side at night and feel my hip bone.

... never mind that my stomach still pooches out, it's the hip bone that's important at the moment.

... and maybe it will benefit my future husband ... who knows? Maybe I'll have one if this one doesn't get it together.

... or I think about taking him up to the mountains and leaving him there chained to a tree for a week.....I may or may not go back to get him.

So I have a mean streak....I wouldn't actually DO any of this stuff but it's a nice way to pass the time....la de dee....

I did enjoy it though when he was out in the front yard all day trimming our fruitless mulberry with a hand saw.... if he was really, really playing with all of his faculties we'd get a chainsaw but he's not, so I won't, and in the meantime, he can just saw, and saw, and saw away. It's 14 times more difficult than is necessary but it's mindless activity and that's about all he's up to right now.

I'm just rambling a bit here..... I had some counselor, last year as a matter of fact, say "gee, do I detect a little hidden resentment here?" I was amazed. I told him it wasn't hidden, it's right out there, what?, he missed it?.

And then... he decided that he would 'validate' me by telling me that I have every right to feel some resentment.... and you know what? I resent THAT. I mean, I know I resent a whole lot of stuff that my husband has done, but I REALLY resent someone telling me that it's okay to resent it. I KNOW that it's okay to resent some things and I process them and move on but I just don't get the whole bit about someone telling me I CAN. Who are they to tell me that? These people know me for what? five minutes, ten minutes and they pretty much figure that they can sum me up, and actually, sum up my husband by having spent a few days with him....well now I've worn myself out on this whole subject.

Okay - truthfully - I figured it out... I just don't feel like going through this whole 'rehab' thing again.... I don't WANT to be involved, I don't WANT to have any heartfelt discussions, or visiting days/hours/minutes, I don't want to have to go there, take him there, think about what he's going to wear at 'camp. Geezeus....I'M THE ONE WHO HOLDS EVERYTHING TOGETHER, I WANT THE VACATION.

That's what I resent. He screws up and he gets another vacation. grr.

Way too long post. I'm so sorry. It had to be done. That's everything in me right now.

Kate

Okay, now this is turning into some kind of rant... but really, any of you professional people who do this for a living can just jump right in here at any time.

I take issue with ' "allowing" 'me to feel a way that I feel. I am just married to someone with a problem, it doesn't mean I was dropped on my head, it doesn't mean I am, have been, or ever will be in the future, stifled in any way.

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#13771 - 11/08/03 09:28 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Did I mention..."it's all about me" time? Okay, I'm done. Really. [Roll Eyes]

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#13772 - 11/08/03 12:07 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Okay ~~ I lied, I wasn't done. I just had a thought, well, obviously, I have a lot of thoughts ........

I was just sort of thinking about those times when I just detest my husband ~ my husband whom I love... and I was trying to make some sense of hating/loving him and trying to figure out the effects of this whiplash of feelings and emotion.

It made me think of how my now 15-going-on-32-year-old-son is coming out of his horrible stage. He was the absolute most beautiful baby and just every day he was delighful - for years. And then he hit puberty and he was cranky and short tempered, gave everyone either very short, curt answers or blew up at them. No one could stand him and I had to explain, individually, to the rest of the family how it must be awful to have everyone just totally love you and kiss you all the time and tell you how beautiful you are and think everything you do is so precious and then *BAM* all of a sudden you've changed and now everything you do, everything you say, every way you act.... your whole existence, because of your stupid behavior, is now loathed by everyone around you.

And I told everyone to ease up on him a little because he's still trying to figure out what works for him and it's a very frustrating thing.

But here's the deal... how do you gracefully go from being the apple of everyone's eye to being the pain in everyone's ass? And how do you feel about yourself? It must be horrible.

Well I think the same thing about my husband.

You may all relax now. I'm calling it a day. Goodnight all. I hope I didn't put anyone to sleep.

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#13773 - 11/08/03 05:59 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Love is such a funny thing, yes? Even in the best of times, I can love and hate the same person at the same time.... maybe it isn't really hate, maybe it's just deep, deep anger that comes out like hate... not sure. Love isn't constant, either. I don't think any emotion can be rock-solid, unchanging.... to me, emotions are like the pieces in a slide puzzle, and the picture changes according to which slide piece is in which position... but love's more than an emotion, it's a decision, a committment. That's why, I think, we are able to keep doing the right thing regardless of how our emotions are doing....

I have a thought... disregard it if you will... but if you are tired of playing the dutiful rehab wife, tired of repeating the cycle of visiting, etc., then by all means, Honey, take your space.

If he needs a "time out," let him revel or wallow in his isolation. Perhaps demonstrating that you have limits -- that you do not have an endless source of energy and tolerance for his rehab activities, might get the message home that he's transgressed an important personal boundary of yours... and he might begin to respect that boundary.

I mean, after all, if you give a kid a "time out" in the corner , you don't keep talking to the kid and offering him juice and hugs and cookies.... you isolate him to reinforce the boundary issue. If you don't isolate the kid to show him that his behavior is unacceptable, he's going to keep on believing that it's OK to do it, because there are no negative consequences. Not to himself, anyway.

Just a thought. I wish you the best, and I hope YOUR wishes come true, and YOUR needs get fullfilled.
Hugs,
Lil

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#13774 - 11/11/03 03:36 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
DK --

sometimes it's best to call it a day --

say ENOUGH --

and sometimes it's okay to just walk away -------

now you've seen it in writing -- vented the thoughts you didn't think you could openly say -- and if you still feel the same way tomorrow morning -- then maybe it's time to say -- it's MY turn now

be true to yourself -- life's too short to waste one moment of it -- and if YOU'RE miserable -- you're going to make everyone around you miserable --

and ya know what -- if you leave and it's wrong - you can always go back -- divorce ISN'T a death sentence -- who knows -- maybe a separation on YOUR PART will make him realize what he's losing -- and maybe it will be the one thing stronger than his addiction

???????????

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#13775 - 11/11/03 05:55 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Lionspaw ~ I'm just not sure where that "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah" part comes in. Because I think this is it.

I mean, really. Personally, I don't think anyone should ever be a whipping post and I'm anything but that, but I think that everyone (speaking of society in general) needs to take a good look at what 'comittments' actually are.

We live in a drive-thru society these days. If we can't get it fast, faster than the next guy we are dissatisfied. People in cars drive faster to pass the other guy and yet they don't get to the light that much sooner. I used to gripe about standing in the grocery store line two people deep and one day I just felt God ask me who I thought I was. Why was MY time more important than the next guys? Just because I went to work that day? Just because I was tired? Did I have ANY idea what the next person went through that day? I was humbled because all I could answer was a resounding "No."

Why, even churches deliver the Gospel so watered down that we don't even really know what the Bible says anymore - they want to make it more palatable for more people. Well maybe the easy way isn't the right way in some instances. I don't think everything gets to come easy.

Not to say that this has been easy at all, but I still (I don't know if I mentioned this before) am drawn to do what Christ would have me do. I know that I'm only accountable for what I do - and it doesn't matter whether or not my husband has played fair. I must know that I'm doing what God would have me do for my situation.

I'm sure that sounds like a watered down version of...."oh I'll just stay here and take some more crap..." ...but really, all you lovely women, with all of your wonderful thoughts and uplifting hopes and advice.....really, each of us must do what we feel in our heart of hearts, is right for us.

Maybe I'm just feeling the high of him going into a rehab. But that's one thing ALL of my friends have accused me of being - ever hopeful.

I'll take all the fiery darts now. Shoot.

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#13776 - 11/11/03 06:21 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
DK, no darts here. YOu are right, it is between you and your Lord. IF you are staying in touch with Him and seeking His will you never know what HE has in store.

I tend to be a Polyanna here too. FYI, I received an awesome story from a woman who was married to an alcoholic. She was ever prayerful, goign back and forth about what to do, and she remained faithful. One day her husband gave up the bottle for the last time. Never gone back. So there you go.

Love is a crazy emotion. Especially when you've been at it for all these years and have so much together. Wouldn't it be a miracle if this rehab works...I believe in miracles.

Praying for ya girl...and your hubby and family too.

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#13777 - 11/11/03 11:02 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
No darts from me, either, Girlie.

I have come to a similar conclusion in my present journey. I'm going to be and do who I am, and my husband-on-paper is not going to change that, and my circumstances are not going to change that, and my illnesses are not going to change that! I'm damned well going to be the best Lil I can be... be the person God wants me to be, do the things God wants me to do, and take whatever pleasure I can in that journey. It's good for my heart to hear you doing the same in tough circumstances.

Blessings,
Lil

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#13778 - 11/12/03 02:25 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
never threw a dart in my life [Smile]

and i'll be the first one to fight for your right to do whatever you need to do -- and support you through it all --

only you can know what's in your heart -- and where you're breaking point is -- so if you just need to scream and *&^%% to help you get through the day -- well then i think you know you found the place to do that

and i agree with you about this fast paced crazy world -- i always wonder what the hurry is -- i asked my son once (after driving with him somewhere) -- why are you in such a hurry to get to the end of the road ????? enjoy the trip [Smile]

i just wish God would tap a few other people on the shoulder -- but then -- maybe they're just too busy to notice [Smile]

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#13779 - 11/12/03 04:08 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
amen sister...you tell um and I'll pat my foot.

Slow down and smell the coffee...unless, of course, you are Dotsie who for some unknown godly reason doesn't drink it. Go figure... [Wink]

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#13780 - 11/27/03 10:15 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Here's a little update on my situation. My husband went into a rehab and was there for 11 or 12 days, which was all the insurance would pay for. They were satisfied that he had enough coping skills and moral support to go on and do well without long term care. He's home now and really trying to make up for lost time. He seems to have a new level of appreciation for life and for his family, and he can't understand how I can be such a good wife when he's fallen so short of being a good husband. I don't see it that way but it's interesting the way we see ourselves. He doesn't see that almost everything was good, it was just the drug thing that makes it bad. Take that away and we fall into normal mode, complete with dancing in the kitchen.
So it will be a complete family Thanksgiving. And for that, I am thankful.
Have a wonderful day Ladies. [Wink]

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#13781 - 11/27/03 04:56 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dreamrkate, so glad to hear YOU are feeling good about his recovery. Just offered up a little prayer that this Thanksgiving would be an especially great one for you and your family. [Big Grin]

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#13782 - 11/27/03 11:27 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
(((((((((( Kate )))))))))))

i am sooooo happy for you and your family -- i truly do relate to the happiness you feel right now -- and my prayers are for your future

half the problem with addictions is feeling you dont deserve to be loved/cared for by wonderful people -- keep telling him that part of the reason you're so "wonderful" is because of him !!

my heart is full for you today [Embarrassed]

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#13783 - 11/28/03 07:28 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Thank you both for your wonderful thoughts and prayers! It was an absolutely wonderful day. Scott helped with all the preparation ....and getting all my huge gourd mess off the dining room table and safely in boxes out in the garage, a chore in itself. All the kids were home, with boyfriend and girlfriend. Lots of laughing and razzing around the table, coffee and a card game afterward. And the clean up went fairly quickly. We all throroughly enjoyed it. We are truly blessed.

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