DreamerKate,
Maybe the good Lord put you down here to be a healer and a teacher? Just a thought.

I mean you are obviously good to your family and hubby, keeping everyone together, even under sometimes bad circumstances, offering support, and my guess is you are the one your friends turn to for advice and a shoulder, am I right? You also express the need to make others feel worthy...sooo give that, maybe God's purpose for you is to teach others that LOVE conquers all. Because it does.

Just my two cents worth...again...but pay attention, cause I'm going up on the price...

Over the years I've come across a handful of people who have lived in some similar situations but I think for several years I felt overwhelmed by my own tornado that I would have been no help to anyone. But I remember very specifically one afternoon when I would swear on the lives of everyone I love, that I heard His voice. And as I was washing dishes (oh THAT's why I do those!) I heard a voice behind me. I jolted and turned around thinking it was my husband, who had gone for a pack of cigarettes several days earlier and had not returned yet. But no one was there. And the kids were somewhere, I don't remember, somewhere playing in the neighborhood. But I turned the water off... and I swear to GOD this is absolute truth, no exaggeration, no embellishments whatsoever, and I heard Him say "What do you want?"
I had spent the nights before tossing and turning thinking "I've got to get out of this, I can't take this uncertainty anymore."
Mind you, my husband is not mean, he's not unkind, he doesn't drink, he doesn't bring drug people anywhere near our home, he's never cheated on me, but for whatever reason, and no one has ever been able to explain the actions of alcoholics or drug addicts (or overeaters, or gamblers or sex addicts, whatever) he will lapse and stay gone, getting high until he's a broken, lonely, very crushed person.
So on this day... when my mind was going worse than any sped up hamster on it's wheel, I heard God speak... to me... and he wanted to know what I wanted.
And in that moment, everything stopped. You can call it stress overload, you can call it hallucinations caused by anxiety, call it whatever you want, but it was in that moment that I knew that God would be leading me through this, for whatever reason, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
And I told God, right there in my kitchen, looking like probably a crazy person with wet hands, that I wanted my husband back, just like how he was when he first got saved, fresh and new, clean, and free of drugs. Because I had seen him like before for long stretches of time so I know what I have when he's clean. He's a handsome, caring, gentle, loving person. When he's loaded, he's selfish, self-centered and he's just slightly off. And I don't want less than the 'right' husband. So that is what I told God that I wanted. And we're still working on getting there... we've almost made it, too. We're a work in progress, but I've got peace now.
In other relationships (not mine but friends') I've seen different variations of how their families deal with the situation. Some have created a situation where their children side with them; some where the children have told the afflicted parent to 'get out'; some where they've gotten in the parent's face and told them how much they "hate them" and "why do they do that?"
I think I've seen so much rage and helplessness that I didn't want that for my children. I want them to be angry when they need to but to also scrutinize what they feel and put it in it's appropriate place - because not all anger is actually anger, sometimes it's loneliness, sometimes it's that helpless state or the fear of the unknown. And I make them understand that they will always be taken care of, we both love them, this is something that their Dad needs to get through - he's not doing it to me, he's not doing it to them. There's some lonliness he feels, has felt for years and years that no one can fix except him, and if he does enough soul searching and as long as he keeps getting back up every time he falls, then there's hope.
Now I'm not saying that my way is for everyone, but giving it some deep, rational thought before making drastic life changing decisions, I think, is very important.
To seperate, for us, would be devastating, it would crush my children and my husband, and to what end? To prove some point to other people that "I'm not going to take this crap from you!"? No. And would I be happier? Maybe sometimes but we are and always have been such a family. I think that's what we were meant to be and for now, we help each other, we care for each other and love will conquer in one way or another, all.

To lighten up a bit....mmmm.....I don't know if my friends really come to me for advice but God knows I do always have an opinion. I just don't always believe in taking the easy way out, just because it fits and feels good doesn't always make it right.
Although you haven't seen it here.. I think my friends have me more for comic relief than anything; my ability to laugh at myself and make them do the same thing.
God, if you can't wake up in the morning and be glad you're alive, what is there? If there's no laughter in my day, what purpose has it served? Laughter is good for the soul and for the mind and body - I will always be healthy.

Seriously, there must be a word count I'm supposed to stay under.....I'm horribly embarrassed.

You are a tremendously compassionate and understanding woman, and I think its a blessing that you know what kind of man your husband is when he's "sober" (for lack of better term) and that you've also nurtured your children's relationship with him.

My father-in-law is an alcoholic. I have no idea what kind of man he was like before he drank. I'm not sure my hubby even remembers anymore what kind of Dad he was before the drinking, and for that matter I don't think his wife does either. I'm not sure if he was ever a "nice" man. I'd like to believe there is some good in everyone. I understand alcoholism as a sickness and what horrible self-hatred this man must possess. I think deep down his family harbors the hope that one day he'll quit drinking and they'll be a somewhat normal family. For now, he's mean, abusive and controlling - so controlling that he doesn't let his wife have communication with her children or grandchildren if he's mad at them.

My grandfather also struggled with alcoholism, but for the better part of my growing up he was in AA and dealing with it. He left some wonderful poetry behind that really shows the struggle he had with alcohol, his feelings of self-worth, his loneliness, etc. He was a good man, loved his wife and family and my grandmother did a fine job of keeping it all "together".

So what was my original point in all this? I think I just wanted to say that I honor all that you have done with your family, I think you have a capacity to really teach and help others struggling through the same issues and that I hope you find a venue for your writing that will share that with those that need to hear it.

Or, maybe I was just trying to write a longer post than you (not really.....)

Dreamkate,
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts.
I love the way you write and I too feel you can help those who really need it when they are ready.
Keep up all the good you are doing!!!
Maggie

This evening I got a call from a dear, dear friend. Her daughter, the girl I've known since she was maybe 14 and used to babysit our children, absolutely beautiful girl, has a drug problem. She's 30 now, 4 children, three fathers, and has been getting that oxy-contrin that has made the big splash in the news lately. That along with vicodin and something else.
I sat here on the other end of the phone, completely helpless, trying not to tell her that she needs to 'let go.' My friend is in Arizona. Her daughter is here, in mid-California, somewhere within a 20 mile radius of me. But I don't know where she is, her mother doesn't know where she is.
So... here with my "vast" knowledge of how 'the other half' thinks/lives/connives I felt horrible that I had to tell her that there won't be any way for her to understand what her daughter is thinking. That they get high because of a deep-rooted pain. They get high because there's air; they get high because they're angry, lonely, tired, hungry; because they feel familiar with that non feeling.....that coerced feeling of warmth that comes over them that becomes so familiar, so comfortable that it's a necessary part of their day and they're lonely without it.
How do you tell a mother that? I only gleaned this over many years. It almost seems sad to take it away from them. It's like a thick warm blanket that shields them from the world...but it shields them from life.
So I told her that she'll have to entertain the ideas that her daughter will probably have her children taken away. She'll probably wreck her car, lose her job, lose her house. She'll probably borrow money and not pay it back. She'll probably go through a million other things that would make my friend and most of us cringe. But if she has the strength of character, she'll make it, if everyone gets out of her way. But then again - she might not.
And there's nothing she can do. As much as we love the people we love, we can no more crawl into their skin any more than we'd have them crawl into ours.
Because we are our own individuals. We choose our own life path, we make our own choice, even when it's wrong. If we're lucky, we know how to reach out when help is offered.
But sometimes we do not.

DK, even though you can't fix your friend's child, just know you are working wonders for her by LISTENING.

Just getting things off her chest helps her tremendously. You see, she no longer has this as a secret. I bet she isn't giving every one she runs into all the details she's given you. You are her blessing in the midst of her craziness. You listen and don't judge.

I have felt for a long time that the whole point in life is NOT necessarily to be happy, but more pointedly, that there is some bigger picture. There's something so much more vast than me, than my little life. I think we miss the big picture a lot of times.

I don't think it was necessarily God's intention that we were supposed to be down here having this great time. I do think, however, if we enjoy as we journey, I think that's an added dividend.

I think that you can learn something from every person you meet. If you don't learn directly FROM them, I think you can learn something from your interaction WITH them; or you can fine tune yourself as a person because of your reaction TO them. Sometimes our lessons come in the most unlikely packages, I think we just have to be still to hear them.

***And this, just out, from the most blabbery one in here.***

DK writes:

It almost seems sad to take it away from them. It's like a thick warm blanket that shields them from the world...but it shields them from life.
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wow -- it's not very often that someone on the "outside" can put in words what it can be all about

and there's where the resentments come in -- when someone who isn't "there" tries to take it all away

addictions don't preach, they don't scold, and most important -- they don't make you look in the mirror -- they just allow you to pretend -- even if it's just for a moment -- that it's okay to be you

COP OUT ???? of course -- but when you have the self esteem of an addict -- cop outs can be your only friend

so you wrap yourself up in the one thing that will comfort you -- like a crying infant -- they don't know what they want -- what's wrong with their world -- they just know that when that bottle hits their lips -- and that warm formula hits their emptiness -- they feel instantly better -- and it doesn't matter that they've just made everyone around them ready to pull out their hair -- they just know instant gratification

and somewhere along the line i've totally forgotten what my point was man these senior moments are getting bad

DJ... I saw your post earlier today and was trying to sort out my thoughts.

I admire your ability to get out and make a life of your own. And your friend's. And that may be the road I take later. But for now, this is what I need to be doing.

People are different, relationships are different, I don't ever think that the situation is perfect, but some days, some years - just sometimes they are perfect.