Site Links










Top Posters
Dotsie 23647
chatty lady 20267
jawjaw 12025
jabber 10032
Dianne 6123
Latest Photos
car
Useable gifts!
Winter wonderland/fantasy for real
The Soap lady meets the Senator
baby chicks
Angel
Quilted Christmas Stocking
Latest Quilt
Shelter from the storm
A new life
Who's Online
0 Registered (), 151 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
3239 Members
63 Forums
16332 Topics
210704 Posts

Max Online: 409 @ 01/17/20 03:33 AM
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5 >
Topic Options
#136094 - 12/31/07 03:46 PM A hurting Newbie
artlady Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 5
I just found this site and, having never posted anything in my life,I'm quite nervous. I just read the post re mourning loss of family and marriage. I was married 27 years and my husband left New Years day 1997 to "find himself" aka "I have a new girlfriend and need to explore options". That was 10 years ago. I moved back to my home state although I have no family save my two wonderful grown sons. I struggled to piece together a new life by buying a fixer upper, starting an art program for adults with disabilities and going back to school. I completed my BS and have a wonderful job. This Christmas my sons wanted to share the day with my ex and myself. Foolishly I agreed as I had shared previous events with the ex and sons at various occassions but never at "ex home town". I hadn't been back to the "scene" in ten years or the church we were going for services Christmas Eve. Being the first wife of the lean times and financial struggles, I was rocked when my sons pulled into ex's home. A million dollar home and life style smacked me in the face. I was given a tour and graciously complimented on each item showcased from european travels with his fiance of four years. (We rarely went out of state). I know I sound bitter and probably am but upon returning home, I hit such a depression I haven't been out of my pajamas or talked with anyone in four days. I'm considered a strong woman and have dealt with the divorce with dignity and drive. They say the best revenge is to become successful. This trip, however, brought me to my knees and I can't seem to recover. During marriage I was given an allowance $300.00 per week. My mom's inheritance was spent on improving "our home" and paying tuition for prep school for our sons. I know, intellectually, I'm very lucky, strong etc. etc.-- but my heart is breaking. It's like mourning all over again and, even though I've been counting my blessings since I returned home, I can't seem to stop crying. I haven't experienced this pain since he walked out the door. Please, if I'm being a self-centered bitch, I need to know. I can't burden my friends with this emotional melt-down and I really hope there is someone out there who can relate. Thanks for allowing the mess that is me, out.

Top
#136095 - 12/31/07 04:46 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
First of all artlady, welcome to the nicest little corner of cyberspace. We're all REAL women with varied heartaches, adjustments and hurts....also we share so much joy together and celebrate the accomplishments and "up" times as well. My heart absolutely goes out to you. I can almost feel it physically. Many of us have been the divorce route. I, myself, was married 31 years before my divorce from a pastor. It's been just 4 1/2 years since and I've done all the ups and downs of whether I could handle seeing him or not. Right now I'm in a "not" stage because he's had the nerve to go back to the pastorate this year (and someone actually LET him!) He left because of another woman and is now married to her. It sounds like you probably honestly felt that you could do the "together" thing this holiday and be fine, but you found out different. You sound like someone that should be sooooo proud of yourself for how you kept putting one foot in front of the other and accomplished so much in your life. Bravo for that!! Still, this recent event had an unexpected profound effect on you. Now it's time to sort some things through. It's like any grief...you do it in your own way and in your own time. And a long term marriage that ends so devastingly, I believe, takes years even after you feel you've moved on. I still have difficulty at Christmas, for instance, because it was those days that I loved and cherished it so much. I've never felt the same, so I have my tearful moments even now and thank God, I'm remarried to someone who shares the same and understands. Do you have any close friends that would hear you out? You might just need to say it out loud and have someone to bounce your thoughts on. If not, we're here and you can write as much as you need or want. You experienced a lot during this visit, such as the huge change in his lifestyle, his success and all that yuck stuff. You know how you struggled to build what you had when you were together. It's another place and another time now and things just won't remain the same. I still have hurt about the years I gave up my own education for him and worked my butt off so he could get through seminary all the while denying myself big time. Sounds like you did some of that yourself. Do you journal? Sometimes I find it's very effective to write down exactly the varied things that are bothering me when I feel like I can't think anymore. And remember, friends are not really friends if you cannot burden them with a meltdown once in awhile. You'll love it here in time. We share some very deep stuff as you've probably noticed but we have a wonderfully fun time, too! Keep talking, okay?
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

Top
#136096 - 12/31/07 05:43 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: ladyjane]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Artlady, I don't suppose you have one of those big toy punching bags lying around in your house anywhere, do you? If you do, I'd be very tempted to go and punch the living daylights out of it. I know, I know, rather uncharacteristic of me, being such a gentle, peace-making soul...but there are times when you just gotta get it all out of you, and this sounds like one of those times when a punching bag would be REALLY useful to have around!

I suspect that under the grief and depression is some anger - if it were me, I'd even go so far as to call it rage. You lost so much, including the dreams you had for your life and relationship - having all of that loss rubbed in your face like that has to have hurt you right to the core of your being. I'd be so livid to have had to endure that unexpectedly like that.

I strongly recommend (and I'm no expert, so I could be wrong) that instead of turning that anger inward into depression, find a (healthy and non-destructive) way to outlet it - pound the feathers out of one of your pillows, get a hammer and pound some nails into a piece of wood, pound the h*** out of a piece of meat, scream, throw a basketball against the garage wall - others might have other suggestions, like going to a gym - just find a way to let it out.

And come here often and let us help you through this.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

Top
#136097 - 12/31/07 06:10 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Eagle Heart]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Good one, Eagle...a healthy outlet for the anger and rage. These things make us so, SO angry! I missed that thought. So often we just curl up and want to die instead. Not good. Sometimes a good healthy very physical outlet is part of the deal and it can sometimes be amazing how it helps. Artlady, maybe try that and then pat yourself on the back for how you came through it all so successfully. And, yeah, stay away from him. You've found out the hard way that this type of thing is just not healthy for you. I would occasionally be in a social atmosphere with my ex for short periods and be somewhat okay but I never came out completely unscathed. Now I'm back at refusing to do it because my gut says so. Self preservation!
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

Top
#136098 - 12/31/07 06:50 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: ladyjane]
artlady Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 5
Thank you so very much for your replies. I'm still not sure how this forum works so I hope this is received. I did manage to get dressed today--even make up, but had panic attack in grocery store and had to come home. This is so sureal and I feel like such a loser for whining. God, if I could just get it together. Had call from my eldest son this am. Happy to hear from him until he told me where he was...with Dad and his girlfriend in Cleveland. If my face goes further into the poo, I'm going to start throwing it.

Top
#136099 - 12/31/07 07:02 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
49erDonna Offline
Member

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 384
Loc: California
Hi Artlady,

I too am a divorced Mom... not nearly as long as you. I was married for ten years and have now been separated/divorced for over 10 years.

I know it must seem like what you are feeling now will last forever - but I want you to believe that it will get better. I love my life now. It's been a long tough road to this point with lots of times when I didn't believe life would be able to get better. But it has. I beleive in myself and that huge change has made all the difference in the world.

I believe divorce leaves changes in us - such as in trust issues etc. but it also gives us the chance to grow. I hope that holds true for you.

Wishing you the best of everything including hope faith and love in 2008 and always!

Donna

Top
#136100 - 12/31/07 08:14 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: 49erDonna]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Welcome ArtLady. I am happy to see you have found BWS and took the step to speak your story.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I have not gone through anything similar in my life story, but do know how unexpected events can trigger a break down of sorts. Stay around here, I am sure that you will find comfort and great advice.

You already are in the hearts of prayers of the women here.
_________________________
Follow our story of living, loving and laughing with a debilitating disease:

http://www.multiplesystematrophyandshy-drager.blogspot.com

Top
#136101 - 01/01/08 12:03 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Anno]
upnorth Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2
PJs or with the punchbag for a few days. Then set a date and get moving again. You can't change his life, don't let it bother yours!!

Best wishes

Top
#136102 - 01/01/08 12:24 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
dancer9 Offline


Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Artlady, I'm sorry for your pain! I do not have this particular experience but I could feel your pain in your post! It seems just terrible!
I know this: There is a beautiful life after divorce! There is a life that deserves those cards that congratulate you on your divorce!
I have been divorced and I had to get on my feet from almost nothing. I made it out of that to a much better and more secure place when it felt like I would never catch up to what I had before! I did it, and you can do it too!

You are in a lovely place to write about your feelings and the women here are great friends to have! They will welcome you and someone here can relate to you on just about everything!

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry it is under the circumstances it is now but I truly believe that your life will improve and you will be happy again. I am sorry it hurts now, very much!

Please keep posting and tell us how you feel!

dancer9
_________________________
http://www.annalisanews.com/

"Question your privilege"

Top
#136103 - 01/01/08 12:58 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: dancer9]
artlady Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 5
Thank you all so much for the posts. Your strength and good wishes have brought me, at least, into a sitting position. I made a leap and called an old therapist friend of mine and will see him at the end of the week. It's so odd that this visit knocked me back. You were so kind to let me know it's okay to feel this way...at least for a bit. I haven't had "divorce flashbacks" in years and was totally caught by surprise on this one. Happy new year to all you and thank you for being my blessings today.

Top
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5 >



NABBW.com | Forum Testimonials | Newsletter Sign Up | View Our Newsletter | Advertise With Us
About the Founder | Media Room | Contact BWS
Resources for Women | Boomer Books | Recent Reads | Boomer Links | Our Voices | Home

Boomer Women Speak
9672 W US Highway 20, Galena, IL 61036 • info@boomerwomenspeak.com • 1-877-BOOMERZ

Boomer Women Speak cannot be held accountable for any personal relationships or meetings face-to-face that develop because of interaction with the forums. In addition, we cannot be held accountable for any information posted in Boomer Women Speak forums.

Boomer Women Speak does not represent or endorse the reliability of any information or offers in connection with advertisements,
articles or other information displayed on our site. Please do your own due diligence when viewing our information.

Privacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer

Copyright 2002-2019 • Boomer Women SpeakBoomerCo Inc. • All rights reserved