Well, girlfriends, this is a sad day. My mother had exploratory surgery. It is discoered that she has cancer in her lung, in her chest wall, and elsewhere. The cancer is so extensive that it is inoperable. My mother and stepfather live in AZ. So I will be flying from CO to AZ in a few days to help my mother make the transition from the hospital to home. I have a feeling that she will refuse the only treatment available to her, which is chemo and/or radiation. This makes her cancer terminal. She had breast cancer 20 years ago. She had a mastectomy but refused chemo/radiation. I don't blame her. I had no symptoms from my breast cancer, but the chemo nearly killed me. My grandmother had breast cancer and she will be 101 this year. I had a dream that my mother and grandmother "went" at the same time. I also had a dream that I would be staying in my mother's house without her there. I am putting my real estate on hold for now to go to AZ to see how I can care for my mom and step f. My younger brother (he is 40 something) lives near them and he is a good guy with 3 kids. I don't know...Life is difficult.

I am so sorry to hear this. Please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Have a safe trip.

We're here for you; it's good that you can be with your mother during this time. Take care...
Kathy

Thanks girlfriends. Now I know I may not leave until Sunday. Some of you may know that my mother and I had an on again off again relationship, sometimes strange and estranged. I can only say that by the grace of God we made peace in the last couple of years. It's hard to know that if the cancer is so wide spread and inoperable, then it is terminal.

Lynn,

You and your mother and entire family are in my thoughts and prayers...be safe...take care of yourself.

Oh Lynn, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. Out of my own recent journey down the same road, I offer my heartbreaking wisdom: make every moment count; in amongst all of the rushing around "doing", remember to stop and simply "be", because there comes a patch of road in this journey when "being with" becomes the most important gift we can give; love her, love her, love her - don't hold back, let it just pour out of you - and let HER love pour into you too.

There are many heart-excruciating days ahead, but Lynn, this time you have with her is so precious and blessed and gift, so be courageous, take one step, one day at a time, and try to come here often to let us be your pillars of strength and encouragement (and if you can't come here, KNOW to your innermost being that we're still here praying and loving you throughout this journey).

Let your "light and love" guide you into the most amazing journey we can ever make with a loved one.

I'm sorry Lynn.
My heart is with you and your family. I am glad that you were able to make peace with your mother before this happened and if I can be so bold to make a suggestion to you . . . Talk to her as much as possible. Talk about everything and anything, good times and bad.

Lynn, I'm so sorry. I will be keeping you and your mom and family in my prayers.

I am so sorry to read about this, Lynnie. But, please bear in mind that you and your Mom are in our prayers. As Eagle had said, take one day at a time.

I am so glad that you are able to fly out to be with her.

Lynnie, I'm so sorry, my prayers are with you and may God Bless your journey.

Lynnie, so sorry to hear this devastating news. Peace, prayers and blessings wherever the journey takes you.

Lynnie, I am so sorry to hear this, especially with what you're already going through. Your strength will be pushed to the limits, but I know you will find peace. Your mom is the only one you have and she will love and appreciate your being there for her. As everyone else said, just love her, talk to her, cry with her. It is hard to see a parent suffer, but you will both grow through it.
Make sure you take care of yourself and do those things that help you cope. We love you and will pray for you, all the way.
Peace, love and (((HUGS)))

Hi girlfriends, I am leaving CO for AZ on Friday. I plan to be there for a week or so and go to the doctor's appointments with my stepfather. I know many of you have lost your mothers and I am so sorry. My relationship with my mother was sometimes a mystery. But I am most grateful that I have learned that in both life and death there is love and light. The grace of God

I am so sorry to hear this PL. I am sending you more love and light right now.

Lenora, I hope you can take your Mom in your arms and rekindle your mother and daughter relationship. That is all that matters, so that you both can feel peace, and allow God to decide the rest.
Hannelore

Dear Lynnie, I'm so sorry to hear that your mother's health is declining. On the other hand, I'm delighted to hear that you're back in each others lives. I was estranged from my father for years and we united when my mother became ill and passed almost 15 years ago. I'm so grateful for that because we became best friends. I was devastated when he died four years ago and greatful that we came to know and love each other so well.

You are in my prayers.

Lynne, as always..I have you in my prayers and thoughts. My Mum and I had a similar type relationship until about a year before she died. I was lucky in that last year to burn old bridges and bask in the glorious heat of healing that occured between us. God is with you and yours and we are too in spirit.

Take good care a chara

Pauline

Thank you all. I am on my way to see mom. L, PL

Lynnie, I will definitely keep you and your mom in
my prayers. Keep us posted.....
Hugs, Cindy

I will also keep you and your Mom in my prayers. I know how tough this situation can be. HUGS

Lynnie I'm just now seeing this thread and I'm just so saddened to hear it, but like someone has stated previously, I'm so happy that the bridge between you and your Mom has been torn down.

If possible, bask in her presence and just be there. Look at her and send loving thoughts and they will bounce back onto your own heart.

I will be holding all of your family close to my own heart. You are in my prayers.

Lynnie, I just saw this myself. I also have you in my prayers. Keep us updated when you can.

luv

well you be with your ma a few days now hope its going well between you...
letting someone "be" with their choice not to have treatment theirfore allowing it to be terminal be a hard one to watch and allouw whishing you strenth and peace in this time.

Hello everyone and thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I am just popping in between visits with Mom. I was with her all last week, flew home to CO for 2 days, and will go right back. She is still in the hospital. Not only does she have inoperable cancer but also she is just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I don't see how my mom and step f will do it all themselves. I am thinking I may be post poning my real estate life and other adventures for a while to practically move in with them. A song by Sara McLaughlin comes to mind: "Hold on, hold on to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell."

i know that mclauchlin song and its approriate for you at this time eh!
but on the same cd thheirs also arms of the angel and stumbling towards exsticie ( i wont fear love) thed be appropriate too. Some hard and important descisions ahead for you lynn. I whish you everie wisdom in making them, good luck..

Lynn, I woke up very early this morning thinking about you, and kept you in thought throughout my early morning prayers. One of the songs that got me through Gary's 20 days in ICU was Peter Gabriel's "Don't Give Up"...I played it for Gary everyday, now I keep hearing it everywhere I go - as if Gary's now playing it for me everyday!

My heart and prayers are with you...tough road ahead, but you'll make it through. Lean on us, on the knowing that we're behind you, in prayer, love and caring support throughout and beyond...

I echo Eagle's words, Lynnie and add that I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have about Az if you can't find someone to there to give you the help and support you need. Bless you honey, and your family!

Lynnie...I woke up thinking about you, too...take a deep breath and bask in all the love and support that you have here...let us know how we can help...

Wow, Eagle, I listened to Don't Give Up over and over flying to/from seeing my mom! The lyrics are so profoud, and the way that Peter Gabriel does the song with his rich deep voice as the one in distress as compared to the sweet assurance of those singing Dont Give Up, you have friends. Celtic, yes, I listen to the entire Sara McLaughlin CD with Arms of the Angels. Very appropriate. When I was with Mom she asked "Did God send you?" just like my 101 year old grandma asked when I was taking care of her. These precious moments with a Mom who I had a strange and sometimes estranged relationship with are a God-thing, precious moments in the here and now that will last for all eternity. Thank you all for thinking of me. I too woke up thinking about me! and thinking Holy Cow. Sometimes I think we are blessed with the hard journeys, as with Eagle and Gary, versus thinking it's a curse upon our lives. It is a blessing to be able to be love in action. I have a feeling I will be making my real estate license inactive while I go to AZ to be with Mom for how long? A week, a month, two? The real estate will always be there, but my mom won't. It's also a blessing to be with mom with the love that we had for each other in my early years, before the crap of dysfunction hit the fan. Our love for each other has come full circle. What is more important than that? My mentor in real estate told me I was courageous to face my mother's condition and be with her. My mentor said that when her parents were sick, she backed off. I thank God that I am not in the frame of mind or heart to avoid what is ahead, like Eagle and many of you others who had the courage to go forth in love and light. I'm packing now, and I hope to visit my BWS sisters in a week or so. L, L

My thoughts are with you. Your mother is lucky to have you by her side during this time. My father took Chemo and made it through the hard times. After 9 years of off and on struggling with new treatments I finally got to him. Whether going through all the Chemo was worth it or not was his choice. He had good times visiting family out of state and going traveling. Follow your own heart as it sounds that you are. God bless your family.

Princess, you will never be sorry for for spending this time with your mom. Stay strong, take care of yourself, and bless her with the the goodness you have within you. Stop in when you can. We'll be covering all of you in prayer.

Princess, that is such good news that your relationship with your mother has turned into a complete circle. I wish you strength and a meaningful heart filled time with her.

Thanks to all. Thus far my mother is refusing any form of chemo as she did 20 years ago when she had breast cancer. This current cancer is metasticized breast cancer. The pits. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.

Lynnie, good to hear your relationship is healing. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Our parents are going to do what they want when they get these diagnosis (what's plural for diagnosis?). Anyway, I think you should let her do as she pleases. Sometimes I w ish Mom hadn't chosen treatments because she was so weak and sick for a lot of her last 6-7 months on earth.

Blessings to you and your Mother.
Mounatin ash

Lynne, just popped in and read your post. I'm so sorry. I lost my mother 2 yrs ago from lung cancer and she also decided not to have any treatment. She wanted to be as active and able to enjoy life as possible for as long as possible. It will be a hard road and if you have the ability to stay with her for this time I would imagine you won't regret it later.

I also sat down and and made a list of every memory I had of my mother, before the disease left me with a lot of memories I knew I wouldn't want to dwell on right away. It helped me.

I will be praying for you.

starting over, what great idea to make a list of every memory. Did you do it in chronological order?

Starting Over, that really is a good idea about writing down the memories...one of the most agonizing problems in my early grief right now is that all or most of my memories center around my brother's cancer - he lived for 43 years and had the cancer for only 8 months of those 43 years, but it's all I can remember right now...his pain, discomfort, disfiguration and gradual disintegration. And when I try to remember his life BC (before cancer), my mind just flips those memories forward into the cancer memories. Very frustrating. I know it will pass and eventually the other memories will hold their own special place in my mind, but right now it's not working. If I had something in writing, it would probably force me to move beyond the cancer memories and remember the better times in his life.

Dotsie, no I didn't do it in any order. I just sat down and typed every memory as they came into my head. It was very theraputic and was a great help once she started deteriorating rapidly. I would go back to those recorded times and read them when I was down.

Now that I am past the mourning stage I've wondered if there might be a book in there somewhere. Anyway, I hope it is helpful.

Lynnie wrote:

Quote:

---

Our love for each other has come full circle. What is more important than that?

---

Lynnie, I think this says so much. I pray that you and your Mom continue to be at peace with each other.

Luv n hugs

Lynn,
You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.
Laurel

Prayers for the both of you and any other family suffering this burden. Oh why can't they find the cause and cure for this horrific disease?

My mom told us that she was not going to have any chemo or radiation when she found out she had lung cancer. By the time she found out it had already spread to other places as well.

I remember on day shortly after she had moved to the nursing center. It was a bright sunny day and we were sitting outside (while she had a cigarette ). She told me not to worry or fret that she was doing it the way she wanted to. She had been a hair stylist for a portion of her life and I think she could not bear to think of loosing her hair. And she was the kind of person that was always busy. She didn't like to just sit around so I know that's another big reason she didn't want to take treatments. She had seen enough of her friends wiped out and sick for days after treatments.

Anyway, she said we just needed to make the most of the time that was left. So that's what we tried to do.

I remember the next week she told us a funny story. She had gone outside that morning (for a cigarette ) and was trying to move the ashtray over by her chair and overbalanced and toppled over on her butt. She said people came running from everywhere thinking she had hurt herself. She thought that was pretty funny!

And another time we went to a restaurant....At that time she wasn't able to eat much and was very thin. She just ate a few bites of what she ordered and was full. When we got up to leave she said "When the waitress came to take my plate I thought about telling her I was on a diet" Too funny!

So I guess my advice is to look for the little things that are good in every day. Because they are there. You may have to look hard for them but you can find them. They may end up being some of the best things you remember.

Sometimes when things get hard for me I keep a journal. Before I go to bed I have to write one good thing that happened that day in the journal. Then, when I am feeling down, I can look back and reread all the good things that happen to me.

starting over, great idea.

ktri, just wondering how long between diagnosis and her death without treatments.

Mom was given 6-9 months and she died in about 6 1/2 and that was with treatments.

She was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to her ribs. Very sad story.

Mom had complaine dof pain in her chest/rib cage for months. The doctor treated her for some form of arthritis. She fell in the bathroom at home, and when they xrayed her ribs at the hospital ER they said she had indeed broken a rib, but it was eaten away by cancer. They called the oncologist in to the ER and that was the beginning of the end of her life.

ALl during the prior summer, when she phone her doctor to tell him of the pain, he told her it was the humisity. Take more pain medicine. He never did any tests.

You would think these days when cancer appears to be spreading to epidemic proportions that the doctors would rule out cancer FIRST before they start piddling around with everything else. Instead, they seem to look for the simplest reason for the symptoms, then stop there without any further investigation. I can understand that it can be like looking like a needle in a haystack, finding the culprit behind many symptoms, but I keep hearing over and over and over again, and have experienced it in both my Mom's and brother's cancers, that the doctors stopped with the first test and it took a lot of prodding to get them to investigate further. Why don't they trust the patients!!! We know our bodies, we know when something's wrong.

It took two months to get the doctors to investigate my Mom - they stopped when they found a bladder infection. I was adament that there was more going on than that - but it took almost two months before they finally investigated further and found that she was FULL of cancer, throughout her bones and spine. It was too late to treat her, but in between the original diagnosis of bladder infection and the final diagnosis of cancer, she endured much emotional suffering (one of the nurses actually accused her to her face of 'faking' it).

Same story with my brother. They stopped at the diagnosis of diabetes; it took many more trips to emergency before they finally took his concerns seriously and investigated further, and almost right away found that he had stage 4B (the most advanced) Hodgkin's Lymphoma - who knows if they had found the cancer and started chemo right away if it might have made the difference between life and death. A big part of the reason he didn't make it was because he was so weak by the time he began treatment - three months could have made a HUGE difference in how strong he would have been going into the chemo.

Anyway, sorry for the long-winded post, but this infuritates me that the doctors don't investigate further right away - especially when it's clear that cancer is so prevalent these days - and that early treatment is imperative in order to save lives.

Yes, I would agree Eagle. When they thought my mom had cancer they said they could do blood tests to check for "marker" chemicals that tell them it is likely to be cancer and I think even what type of cancer. I don't understand why they couldn't do this for your mom and brother. I would think that even if these are special blood tests, they would not be extremely expensive. Perhaps they are not good enough yet to be 100% reliable.

Dotsie, I can't remember for sure, but I believe they gave my mom 6 - 12 months and she lasted almost 18.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fin8_w153_A

Hey Princess...you mentioned this song and a certain line from it....so we found a live and purer version for you...ignore the first miniut of the video..the quality is not so good and that first bit is the end of a previose song...hope you enjoy it

This home holds you in our hearts

Celtic(with po editing for times sake)lol

I am so sorry Lynnie. I went through this same turmoil this past summer. My dad has stage 4 lung cancer and was diagnosed last August.

I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Love and Hugs,
Cathi

dotsie and eagle i sorrie and horrified to hear of the treatment your loved ones had with the doctors. It is shocking!

ktri, so it looks like your mommade it longer than mine did with treatments.

Eagle, I am in total disbelief too. I am most disappointed in the fact that I didn't go to the doctor after Mom died and tell him what I thought. I'm sure we could have sued, but didn't want to go that route. However, I did want to make my point that he should run more tests in the future.

Cathi, good to see you. How are things?

Cathi, I'm glad to see you too - you're always on my mind and in my heart-prayers (along with Lynn and her Mom). When you have a moment, tell us how your life is going these days...

Dotsie, Gary and I had wanted to go back and complain, but never got around to it. But in 2004, hubby and I were sitting at the pool at our favourite resort in Cuba. We found out that the woman sitting beside us was also from Ottawa and struck up a conversation. I can't remember how the subject ever came up (there of all places), but we ended up talking about my Mom's experience at that hospital. Turns out the woman was THE main public relations person at that same hospital!!! (How's that for divine coincidence!)

She seemed to genuinely care and promised me that she wouldn't forget my Mom's story, but would look into it and then promised that she would make sure that changes would be made. About six months ago, there was a huge featured story in the newspaper about just this subject - focused mostly on how much positive change the geriatric and palliative care sections of the hospital had undergone in the past two years. One of the examples given of previous problems was how my Mom had been treated (she didn't use any names, but it was the exact same info I had shared with that woman). When I showed it to Gary, he agreed, and we believe that she really had taken our Mom's story to heart and used it to make changes in the way the hospital treats patients like her. It sure made us feel better!

Hello friends, I've read and re-read your messages on this thread. Thank you all so much for your caring words and prayers. I am so sorry for all of you who have suffered the loss of a loved one with cancer or otherwise. The blood tests for tumor markers are in infancy stage; the results are not accurate. There are statistics of false negatives as well as false positives. My oncologist did the tests when I had cancer, but did not rely on them at all. My mother is on Arimedex, a hormone therapy for breast cancer. If a drug is used to treat cancer, it is called "chemo" even if it is not the devastating chemo therapy we know of. I am not a fan of Arimedex, a drug I was also on during my breast cancer. I stopped taking it because the side effects were worse than the 2 percent chance of the drug having any benefit. It is my mother's decision to take it or not, but I don't believe she has an informed decision. You see, with the Alzheimer's she does not really know what is what! As long as she is on a form of chemo, she is not eligible for hospice. A patient can have hospice for 5 years if that is the way it goes. Hospice would come to her, offer her support, offer care-giver's relief for my step-father, etc. This is really hard for me to think of my mother there in AZ while I am here in CO. My mom is stable, but stable and dying. I don't even know if she knows she's dying. She stopped asking "Will I live through this?" I think she knows the answer. She also knows she is starting to forget her grand children's names. I can hardly stand it. By the way, my mother had been complaining of shortness of breath for years. But she had been diagnosed as a hypochondriac (when in a psych ward years ago) and was even told within the last 8 years to go home and get over herself. Who would of thought that for all these years, the cancer was choking out her lung away, taking her breath away. I understand all the reasons for her hypochondria, and I have a lot of compassion for that. In my book, where I examine my relationship with my mother (SA perpetuates for generations) I talk about the good memories as well, like when Mom created tea parties for me. That examination had started with a list when I was perusing childhood pictures she had sent me. Yes, she did say to me when I was in a psych ward: "Were you born to make my life miserable?" but that is redeemed when we are together now and she says "Did God send you to me, like an angel?" My grandmother said the same thing 2 years ago when we thought GM was dying, and I was caring for her. Now GM will be 101. She is a breast cancer survivor too, and yet she understands in her old, old age that her daughter will pre-decease her. Am I rambling? I am all over the place in my mind, and in my activities. The only thing I really want to do is stay home and clean. But there is the world at large, and I've got to participate. Eagle, that does sound like divine intervention. I mean what are the chances of meeting the PR person in Cuba of all places?

I'm sorry to hear this Lynnie. You're in my prayers.

Don't get me started on doctors and HMOs. They get bonuses for not doing the big costly tests. It took one year of me asking/begging for an MRI after the elevator malfunction for my doctor to finally approve it. He felt bad when he saw the results and I was vindicated.

Saundra, I did not know that about the big costly tests. I called my step f to wish him a happy birthday. This was 5 minutes after I'd learned that my husband got fired. I could not hide my sadness in my voice. When my mother got on the phone I could hardly talk, and even in her state she could tell something was wrong. I told my step f that I want to jump in a lake, and he said, "Please don't do that Lynnie. I'm going to need you real soon." Who would have thought that adversaries (he was not so good as a step f) would become allies? The core of my being knows that when there is nothing else, when all else slips through our hands, there is always love. Love is for eternity, even when we did not recognize it on our earthly journey. "It saddens me beyond my tears that love was lost within the fears."

Lynne,

I am so sorry for all of the challenges you are facing. But, I'm so glad that the relationship between you and your Mom is now good.

I'm sorry for your husband, also. Hopefully, he'll find something soon. Maybe a "stop-gap" job would be good - a low-pressure job, where he could get a paycheck and still have enough strength left to give you the emotional support you need.

Hugs,
Emily

Dear Lynn: I'm saddened to learn all you are going through!Please know that we are holding you and your family in prayers. When life's challenges are greater than our strength, what peace it is to know we are not alone to face them!

Love is forever! And we love you too! Please take time to do the things you enjoy, as that helps maintain a balance. You are a survivor, a warrior, a special person. You have a purpose, a calling, a goal. Let not the troubles cloud your vision and your will to thrive and survive, for this too shall pass! Recently, a friend reminded me that God never let's us face more than he will help us through!

May God cover you and your family with his blanket of pure love, providing ALL you need. Keep trusting, keep the faith! something good will come out of your challenges too!
Love,

Lynn, just to let you know that you're always being thought about, with loving care and prayer...

Sending thoughts at this sad time. Be assured we are all behind you and available to listen.
Mountain ash