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#11054 - 09/23/05 02:43 AM Re: Addiction
Danita Offline
Member

Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 1550
Loc: Colorado
Bookie,

I'm thinking about changing my screen name to "naughty girl". It just suits me. I don't know where the naughtiness comes from - it just is there.

It is sad to be in a one-sided relationship - I have mourned my marraige more then once. I think this is why the good Lord gives us girlfriends. Some of my most fulfilling relationships are with women. I think we just love more deeply, we are more committed to understanding each other, caring. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is my experience.

You will see how this board adds to your life. It is soooo strange - not anything I would have ever thought I would sign up for!

Keep the faith bookie!

You will reep what you sow. period. It will come back to you somehow, someday!

Danita

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#11055 - 09/23/05 05:26 AM Re: Addiction
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Danita my dear friend and Bookie, I truly believe that most men don't have a clue as to the meaning of the word 'love.' I have studied this subject extensively via my profession and found out from the men themselves in a round about way that we women, all of us are mere substitutes for their mothers...we cook, clean, shop, hostess, have the kids, keep the houses going and wipe their noses. Oh sure every now and then they get hard and need us to fall on until they get relief. If we're lucky we even feel some passion from them until after they get their relief...then somehow the feelings go right back to us being the mommy again...This is the way it is and so if you're looking for romance marry another woman...joke folks!!! but strangely accurate. [Big Grin]

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#11056 - 09/23/05 05:46 AM Re: Addiction
yepthatsme2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/05
Posts: 816
Loc: Fredericksburg, Va.
Sounds like truth to me. [Roll Eyes]


Brenda

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#11057 - 09/23/05 06:44 AM Re: Addiction
Danita Offline
Member

Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 1550
Loc: Colorado
O.K., I know we aren't allowed to male bash on this site. It's like rule #2. (#1 is no spitting)....

Why, Chatty, do you suppose, that most men (see, I'm not bashing with a generalization) are SELF centered. It's like they are grown up 2 year olds - the world revolves around them. Do you think it is because of their mothers?

Do you think mothers who "dote" on their boys are doing them a disfavor? (I know moms who won't let their boys even boil water).

I think it is our JOB (ah yes, just what all of us need, another task to do)...to train them. If WE don't, who will?

I adore my husband. Again, as I've said - he hasn't been prince charming for most of our marriage - he's been pretty absent in some ways - but things have improved, and I would like to think it is because of my modeling for him what a "good spouse" looks like. (supportive, loving, optamistic, joyful....etc, etc, etc)

I don't know. It's a mystery!

I chose to be happily married - I chose joy.

I do not have an abusive husband. He works hard for the family. He doesn't hang out at the bars. He laughs at my silliness.

I know there are women in REALLY hard situations - my heart goes out to them!

Danita

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#11058 - 09/23/05 07:08 AM Re: Addiction
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Hey, I didn't know about the "no spitting" rule. Darn. I haven't been playing by the rules, then, have I?

Oh wait, "spitting" isn't the same as "dipping", is it. Okay, then, I'm good to go.

Whew.

I actually love my husband more than words could ever say. That's not to say that I haven't thought about leaving a time or two. But running away has been my pattern for most of my life, and it's gotten me places where I don't want to go again. So I'm not going to run away this time.

I keep focusing on "Loving" instead of "Leaving", because I know I love him more than I'll love leaving. That gets me over his occasional lapses and emotional absenteeism (which is usually actually "distraction" on his part...one time he barely spoke to me for three days...I was a mess...but had to laugh when he finally sheepishly told me he had been mentally building a fountain for our front lawn! Our front lawn is barely bigger than a tablecloth...he must have had a tough time trying to mentally fit a decent-looking fountain into that tiny space!)

Anyway, I guess the bottom line for me is that I know to the core of my being that he loves me, and that makes all the difference. When that love isn't there, what's the point of putting up with all that crap? (no pun intended)

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#11059 - 09/23/05 11:54 AM Re: Addiction
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Bookie, it saddens me to hear of your marital problems. I'm hardly in a model marriage, so some may say that I'm not the best one to give advice.

BTW, it was 29 years on Monday, and I'm not sure if I'm looking for congratulations (for having survived this long) or condolences. I basically call this the Dysfunctional Marriage From Hell. I've written a lot about it in here before and you've read my poems, so you see some of the issues. My husband loves me but he has too many problems that he's unwilling to deal with. He thrives on unhappiness and anger. I can't fix him and I no longer try.

I've learned to walk away from the fights and find my own life. I had to stop caring too much because I just got hurt. Now he complains that I ignore him most of the time. Well, DUH.

The biggest problem with our marriage all these years is that only one of us thinks there's a problem.

I wish you luck.

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#11060 - 09/23/05 05:47 PM Re: Addiction
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Meredith,
One thing about it, at least you are persistent. Twenty nine years is probably longer than all my marriages combined. (I refuse to reveal the exact number)
I once took a test that said I was an 'experimental decision maker.' It said rather than analyze choices, I tend to decide quickly then change my mind if it doesn't work. So while others are still deciding, I've already made several mistakes and hopefully corrected them. Definitely my marital style.
I've always fought that tendency in choosing a mate. I would take time, analyze it, try to think it through. This time, I didn't even try to fight it. Just went with my heart and I'm so glad I did.

Eagle, I can't stop smiling thinking of your husband mentally building that fountain. That's hilarious. Perhaps that's one problem I have with marriages. (Note marriage is plural in my mind) I am the one who builds fountains in my mind. I try to be social, but if I'm focused on a story or a painting or some business deal, I sometimes forget to communicate. Last night I was working on a play on deadline. I forgot to fix dinner. My husband tried to talk to me about what I wanted so he could fix something, but he finally gave up when I was unresponsive. He sat down at his computer and took some cold dressing out of the fridge and began eating it from the plastic bag. I got up for a drink of water and started laughing. Finally got something together for dinner and finished my play.

Oh well, I guess we just all have to work with what we've got.
smile

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#11061 - 09/23/05 06:00 PM Re: Addiction
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Thanks Smile, that fountain still makes me laugh. I had myself in such an emotional dither...oh he doesn't love me anymore, he's found someone else, what's wrong, maybe he's dying and is afraid to tell me...I went through the whole gambit of possible reasons for his being SO quiet and withdrawn. Now whenever he gets that way again, I ask him if he's building another fountain. He laughs and then tells me that he IS building something. He renovates a lot of houses, especially basements, and is constantly working out the details in his head. Right now he's got three different jobs on the go, so he's really distracted. It's frustrating, but at least now that I know what it is, it's almost endearing too. I guess I like what I've got...

Cold dressing...I like cold dressing.

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