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#10003 - 03/08/06 10:41 AM Re: battle scarred newbie
foundhervoice-atlast Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 80
Loc: Colorado
Dear Starting Over,

I hear the panic in your post and feel how scared you are and how bleak things seem right now. I am right along side you in the trenches, girlfriend, and you know my own story well enough to understand that I am not just giving you lip service here. Please try not to think negative thoughts: try to focus and visualize an assortment of positive outcomes instead. It doesn't matter how far-fetched or how likely or not you think they are to happen right now. The important thing is that you banish all doubts and negativity from your thinking so that you don't attract any more negativity from this universe. I believe that there is power in thought, and that events can manifest themselves from the mere suggestion of them in our minds. If you do not believe me, look into current chaos theory and read what some of the great scientists of our time are saying about the power of the mind. Please do not validate your fears and sabotage yourself.

Right now you are convinced that holding on to your house may not have been the best tactic for you to have taken, but may I respectfully submit that you do not have any way of knowing what might have happened had you actually left your house. Perhaps it might have been something even worse. You did the best you could have at the time, given the information you had and your emotional state of mind. Do not waste any more time beating yourself up about it because it is pointless and counter-productive.

When I posted on boomerwomenspeak.com last week, I was in an emotional black hole unlike anything I had ever experienced before, and believe me that's saying alot...My anger and pain were so overwhelming that I thought I could not possibly go on. My youngest son kept coming over to hug me, trying to evoke some emotional response from his usually lively mother and kept repeating to me with tears in his eyes "Mom, it looks like dad has sucked the life out of you." That was exactly how I felt. I could barely talk. And then a small miracle happened...

What I had not shared with you on this forum up until now is that I am the first-born child of Holocaust Survivors. My parents survived the horrors of Nazi concentration and Siberian forced labor camps during WWII. As some of you already know, my father has been very ill since Christmas when he was diagnosed with lung and metastatic lymphatic cancer. He suffered several strokes and a heart attack right before New Years. We have been very close over the years, and although we do not live in the same part of the country any more, a day rarely goes by when we do not talk over the phone. This has been very difficult since the strokes, as his speech, lucidity, strength and memory have all been adversely affected. I travelled back and forth to the east coast to be with him as soon and as often as I could given the fact that I have no money now and will not have any until the court decides what is happening with the divorce. (Still no temporary support - believe it or not!) Pretty lousy timing, huh? The doctors did not want to bother my dad with chemo because they felt the situation was hopeless. So here I was, losing my father who is my rock, my marriage of 20 years, my teen-age children (who are confused and tormented about love vs loyalties in lieu of the fact that they now know their father cheated on me and financially defrauded us as a family) and my sanity, all at the same time.

Well, last week, when I was at the end of my rope I got a phone call from my father using his cell phone for the first time in months. He sounded strong, clear-headed, and apologized to me (can you believe it?) for not having been available to support ME as things got rough, but said he was calling to let me know that he is here for me now. I had to pinch my arm to convince myself that I was not dreaming or hallucinating. After all, I had just come back from sitting at his bedside where I held on to his hands for two weeks, plastered a smile of encouragement on my face so that he would not see the fear in my eyes, and tried not to cry every time he woke up only long enough to roll his eyes back into his head and ask for more pain medication and ice chips.

My amazing father reminded me that I come from a long line of fighters, from a family who believe - in spite of the horrors they have seen and endured -in the basic goodness of people and in a benevolent universe. He said that I need to focus on the positive, and that if I cannot yet find it in my heart to wish my soon-2-b-x that things will work out even for his highest good, then to just believe with all my might that things will indeed work out for the best. He reminded me that we do not always know what lies in store for us, or what greater purpose there may be in our suffering that could have a positive affect on the rest of our lives and for those people we come into contact with. He reminded me that when both he and my mom (who is no longer alive) were in their bleakest, darkest moments, that was when their faith needed to be the strongest. It was not a time to abandon hope. Quite the contrary.

And so I share this small epiphany with you now. We are not talking genocide or ethnic cleansing here. We are talking about a couple of very small, disturbed, dysfunctional men who are trying to bring us down to their seedy level, and we cannot let that happen. Like Smilinize said in her post, we must hold on to our self-respect above all else. My parents always taught me that this and education are the two things no one can ever take away from you.

Hang in there, my friend. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel even if you cannot see it right now, and we will both emerge from it a little wiser, maybe with a few more battle scars, but hopefully much stronger and more sure-footed than ever before.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I apologize for the length of this posting.

Foundhervoice-atlast

P.S. My dad gained eight pounds this last month, and God-willing will be undergoing his third round of chemotherapy next week...

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#10004 - 03/08/06 06:34 PM Re: battle scarred newbie
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
foundhervoice -through tears I post -

This is a BWS post that should go down in history. Thanks so much for your most encouraging words.

I believe God gave your father the strength to reach out to you when you most needed it.

You should print this post and hang it on your bathroom mirror. God's timing through your dad's call was perfect.

Not only did he bless you, but you turned around and shared that blessing with all the women who come here for advice.

As Danita says:

As long as there is breath, there is hope.

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#10005 - 03/08/06 07:41 PM Re: battle scarred newbie
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I was thinking the same thing. The post deserves an award or something. It's so touching and something that could change your life.

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#10006 - 03/09/06 08:14 AM Re: battle scarred newbie
Searcher Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/05
Posts: 645
Loc: boise
Here! Here! Foundhervoice-atlast !!!!!No kidding, you surely did!

Beautifully done - Dotsie, is there a way to create an icon to go beside the "most beautiful post", some sort of blue ribbon type? to be used in only the rare cases such as this where like, Foundhervoice-atlast, someone posts words which sows seeds for changing lives on so many levels.

Foundhervoice - I am so happy to hear your father is doing better - what a great loss to this world if he had not. I hope you can find a way to preserve his thoughts for the future. And I , personally , would like to know HIS thoughts on forgiveness. Maybe another post, where all can hear?

And with that kind of thinking, you and all who are in like circumstances are bound to find peace and happiness.

Searcher

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#10007 - 03/09/06 08:29 AM Re: battle scarred newbie
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
It has my vote too. I have copy/pasted it to my personal files.
chick

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#10008 - 03/08/06 09:51 PM Re: battle scarred newbie
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
Thanks all--I agree, Foundhervoice needs a blue ribbon, gold star--or something! Thanks Foundhervoice--talking about your dad reminded me of a conversation I had years ago with my dad--I was heart broken because a boy had stopped dating me (oh the innocence of those years!) I was lovesick and hanging out in my bedroom dor days. He came and sat next to me and said, "You aren't the type of girl to stay down when you've been kicked." Just knowing that my dad saw more in me that I thought was there was empowering. I haven't thought about that in a long time. It was a turning point.

What's truly sad is knowing how much we have relied on the strength of our fathers and how weak our husbands are in our children's lives--how has/will that weakness effect them moving forward? When they are kicked around by the world, they won't be able to lean on that conversation or relationship with dad to pull themselves up--it's heartbreaking.

Foundhervoice you encouraged all of us today, thank you!

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#10009 - 03/09/06 12:30 AM Re: battle scarred newbie
new attitude Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/06
Posts: 5
You ladies are truly inspirational. Thank you everyone for your concern, commiserates and comments. I too have found support from my family. As it turns out no one really liked the soon 2BX and merely tolerated him for my sake. He had the nerve to contact them and try to rally them into his camp-he was cut down quick.

He's fortunate that I'm a kind individual and even though he's being a complete a-hole, I remember that I'm a Christian and refuse to engage in mud-slinging. But don't get it twisted, he's about to realize that the degrees hanging on the wall mean that I earned my PHD in business and have no problem handlin' my own. So "Starting Over" be sure to keep track of all your household expenditures and what he spends his money on. I don't think the judge will look too favorably on documentation that shows while I've been paying utilities and prescription copays he's been buying golf clubs and dvd movies. He needs to be buying essentials for his new place of residence because he's getting out of here! Even though I can't make him leave, I've made life uncomfortable. For example, he doesn't eat pork, so for dinner last week I cooked pork chops, ham, polish sausage, baby back ribs and ordered a meat lover's pizza. I think I'll try that new recipe for pork shish-ka-bobs...

Unfortunately, I live in a state with a court system of equitable distribution which can be a double edged sword. If I prove that I deserve more equity because of my having higher earnings, I end up setting myself up to pay him alimony and child support (even if I have the kids. Simply because the minimum of time they spend with him, he would need child support to provide for them. The court views that the children's level of lifestyle should be consistent between both parents; that's fine in most cases but basically I'll have to pay for him to visit his kids - go figure!)

I've realized that success is the best revenge. I don't have to do or say anything negative because everyone sees his detrimental behavior. I am just keeping a record of it. Now that he realizes he can no longer push my buttons he gets more and more irrational and irritated. It seems he feels more in control of a situation when he knows he's upset me. So now I maintain a calm demeanor no matter what he tries. He's tried alot and its certainly not easy but I remember that commercial "never let them see you sweat."

I've taken the steps I need to move on and I am building a great life for me and my kids. Yes around him still being in the house. He's seen how easily I've been able to establish a new life without him and now realizes just how little he contributed. His new tactic is to purposely create drama just so it can look like he's super dad coming in to save the day. So even when I feel that this divorce may take weeks, months or years, I just keep in mind how much better the future will be.

In the midst of all this, people are now telling me how great I look!!! This merely confirms that even though I'm going through all this turmoil of divorce, it's still easier than the hell that was my marriage.

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#10010 - 03/09/06 02:34 AM Re: battle scarred newbie
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Your post was extraordinary foundhervoice as the othrs have so lovingly stated....and "bravo" to you new attitude as well, you've managed to prevail and come out ahead emotionally no matter what elso happens....I applaud you both!

[ March 08, 2006, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

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