Grieving through decline

My dad had brain surgery which backfired. He went in the hospital with fluid on the brain, from an old war injury. He came out of surgery with solid dementia and "lived" another ten years. I spent the whole time trying to give him some sort of life. My mother declined very slowly, eventually suffering from dementia in addition to her physical pain. All of this time, I was grieving their decline. But I never stopped to think about that...or to remember to treat myself as kindly as I would have treated a grieving friend.

I hope all of you caregivers take time to recognize your grief and take care of yourselves. God bless you all. This looks like a wonderful forum.

[ January 20, 2006, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: Carol Bradley Bursack ]

Welcome to you Carol B.B. and may I offer my condolences for the sorrow you have gone through. I see you did it the best way possible by also taking care of the care giver, you. Please tell us more we have much to learn from your experience in this situation.

Hi Carol. I'm wondering if you chose your profession due to your life circumstances?

Welcome! You may want to visit the Feautred Author forum. F N Rosenstock wrote the book, Taking Care of Mom, and she is with us this month.

Welcome to Carol and all the other newbies I may have missed!
Glad you found us.

Hi to you all! This is so gratifyig to be able to communicate with people who care about improving lives - our own and others.

Yes, my book and column (which took quite a bit of convincing to get, but I eventually got the chance to prove to my employer that it would be amazingly popular) were from my personal experience. Life has taken me through many journeys. We, as boomers, have all traveled many a day. I started over, at age 56, after a divorce. I'd been out of the job market for more than 20 years. Some would say I wasn't working, but caring for my kids and seven elders - all in different stages - was the hardest work I've ever done.

Fortunately, even at my rather advanced years, I was given a chance to use my dusty, rusty library skills. After I had proven that an old babe could be a good employee, I was given the chance to write a column. The rest, as they say, is history. I've been honored by phone calls from doctors and other medical people, telling me how much the column has done for the community. Meanwhile, I've learned so much from my readers around the country and the experts I contact to help give answers.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm looking forward to a great relationship here. And, yes, I'm checking out all of the books and links I can, that have to do with my major concern. I'll also be checking in on others, as I have many interests. Best, Carol

Carol ,
I use to be a caregiver and now I am not because of greedy relatives, but another story I am working on . It will be in the bookstores on day. My mother is 94 years old and is now bed ridden and sleeps a good bit now with Alzheimer's . What is they call it the long goodbye . We can relate to this . Take care

Yes, the long good-bye! So many of us go through that, with agonizing grief the entire time. I know about family issues, often old issues, raising their ugly heads during these difficult times. I hear it from my readers all the time. It's not unusual, but it doesn't make it any easier. Keep taking the high road, Renee and try to detach from your relatives. Try to get some respite care for yourself through a church or a social service provider. You need to take care of yourself for your mother and for you. Bless you.

I am new to this forum, I hear alot about the pain of watching someone you love fade away,lucky for some, as you are able to care and decide what is best for your love one. YOu, can continue to live thinking about the love, support and care which you were able to provide for them. I have watched in horror, how my mother lost her sight, describing the pain, and symptom I knew so well on a daily basis, until she could no longer see. She did not need to loose her sight, nor everything she ever worked for;but more than her sight,and tangibles, she has lost the opportunity to spend the "golden years of her life"with her family and those she loves. I posted the topic of forced guardianship, and issue too horrible for anyone to want to look into it... but a reality nevertheless. My prayers for all caregivers, you not only aliviate the pain of those in need but show there are still good souls that not only care for the might "I". Maritza

"Grieving through decline" speaks volumes to me.

My Mother is 94. My Mother-in-law is 90. My husband and I are very blessed that neither mother has dementia. However, we still daily observe a physical decline and a sort of withdrawing from life due to being weaker.

My Mother is in a nursing home an hour and a half a way. We visit her once a week, or more often when she is hospitalized. My Mother-in-law has lived in our town for 2 1/2 years. We visit her every day that we aren't going out of town to visit my Mother.

For us child rearing and caring for parents has overlapped. Now that people are living longer, I guess that this is a fairly common experience for Boomers.

Really both mothers are gems. We are very fortunate that they both have beat the odds.

The hard part is knowing that the end is in sight, that there has to be some kind of decline or another, to the end of the road.

Redda, There's a good book that you might want to read ahead of time. It's call The Final Gift. You may want to check it out at Amazon.

I read it under different circumstances. Mom had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and was undergoing treatments when I read it.

The book helps you look at death as a gift and shares the best way for you to interact with your loved one while dying.

Another one is Tuesdays with Morrie, but I like the other one better. Very different books that deal with death.

Bless you for being so attentive. How old are your kids?

Redda,
You are among friends, and also among people who can relate to everything your going through. How we take our journey's may differ a bit, but the destinations sadly, are the same. Please feel free to talk about whatever is in your heart and mind. And God bless you both for your caregiving roles.

JJ

Overlapping kids and elder care can nearly do you in. It makes self-care harder, but more important than ever. My youngest son had several health problems, so that made my choices even harder. Two young boys a deaf, elderly neighbor...then aunt and uncle, then in-laws and parents. All of the time my kids were growing up, there were elder emergencies. I had to do some quick thinking. One Chrismas, my youngest son said, "I hope we don't have any funerals this Christmas!" We'd had so many Chrismas deaths.

But you know - you make it through. Everyone grows. Did I always make the right choice? I'm sure I didn't. But I did the best I could. Bless you all for the care you give. Keep supporting each other and keep talking. It's the best therapy there is - talking to others who have been there and understand.

[ March 22, 2006, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Carol Bradley Bursack ]

Wow! I'm sorry I didn't know about this forum over the last year but I haven't been to this website in months --- I've been caring for my mother as she slowly died from old age (91) and congestive heart failure (Feb 12th). And, I've been trying to take care of myself and my family.

My mother was living in a nursing home but I still feel like I "cared for her" because, as the oldest child, I was in charge of her care. Sigh! The weird thing is that I haven't cried for her. She'd been on hospice since Nov 30th. For the 6 months before her death, she'd been slowly withdrawing from life --- she was less and less communicative and she slept most of the time. I feel like I did so much "pre-grieving" that when she died I was "prepared" for it so it didn't hit me as hard as when my father died unexpectedly 11 years ago. I was devastated when he died and was numb for at least 4 months.

We had her cremated. My siblings and I had a "gathering of friends" on Feb 18th. On April 15th, we are gathering at the cemetery for a short graveside service to bury her and then we're going to a local restaurant for a luncheon in her honor. I'm putting together some poetry and music for the graveside service. My mother loved going out to lunch so the luncheon truly is in her honor.

I feel at peace with her death. It was her time to go. She missed my father. In recent years, we had talked about everything , and I mean everything --- her chronic depression, the death of my older sister (age 4, I was 20-months old, my younger sister was 5 weeks old), and how these tragic circumstances affected our family. I was with her when she died. There wasn't anything else I could do for her. No facility is perfect and she was getting the best care possible. I just hope that I won't be "hit" by her death later. I don't ever want to feel as badly as I did when my father died. It was HELL on earth.

My feeling, Misfire, is that you won't "be hit" later. Both of my parents died very slowly - with hospice care. I experienced relief at their deaths. Their "life" beforehand was far worse. It just took their bodies so long to die. Your grieving has been going on for so long. You had the wonderful experience of discussing family history and events with your mother - something you didn't have with your dad. That is likely one reason losing your dad was so devastating. Your mom was ready to join your dad, so you can celebrate her life with the plans you've made.

I shed a few brief tears when my mother died - mostly of relief. I was happy she could finally be rid of pain and she could join dad, which is what she wanted. I believe they are, in some form, together now. God bless you. Keep in touch.

It's nice to hear of others who did not shed a tear when their mother died. I was totally relieved when my mother died after a few months of being totally bedridden from cancer severing through her spine. Her last few months were degrading, wearing nappies, bed baths, bed sores, pain and drugs, I know she hated it!

Oh, Flossie, you are not alone at all. When people came to me with "I'm sorry about your mother (or father)" - well, what could they say? Or what could I say? But, I was so relieved with each of their deaths. Who wants to see someone suffer like that? And we know they are readyto die. So, of course there is relief. The only tears that I shed were tears that they had to suffer and tears that they lived so long after they had lost any quality of life. You are very definitely not alone.