On becoming an orphan

Eagleheart,

So glad you are working on re-defining yourself and new life without your parents. It is one of the hardest things we do in our life, I believe.

So happy your are feeling at home with all of us. I think we are a special group of women who have cometogether. God guides all of us even when we don't realize it. This place is a godsend for me. I absolutely love it here and am building great relationships with you all.

We all help each other through the difficult times in our lives as well as share in the joys.
Glad you are here girl!

Sandpiper

Monday it was 13 years since my mom died at age 54 on vacation in Las Vegas I had one of the hardest years this year my dad died needing a heart transplant in 2001, his hert came in a week after he died . I still wonder why . My mom's death was needless and my dad's was a week too early.. The year my mom died I also was going through a divorce and lost both grandmother's with in 6 months. My life tooka dramatic change and things have not been good since I blamed my self for both of my parents deaths and I have not gotten over either one . I still know that my life would have been different if mom had not died but we continue to live with it and wonder.
We all perceive it differently but the pain and lonliness is all the same.
I got out pictures Monday night and looked at a picture of my mother that was taken 2 days before she died . She was happy and having fun and I smiled.

Two days before my dad died my Dad was at a family reunion far away in Tennesee they both were doing what they loved to do right before they died.

It's interesting that The term orphan came up as that is waht I said to my brother at my dad's funeral.
The first book that I published was Anastasia Clark's "Greiving with Poetry" and I finally knew that other's felt as I did

One of the peoms that she wrote when her dad died shortly after her mother touched me and I would like to share it . (Incidently I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has lost a parent or both parents You will relate, cry laught and finally find comfort)

My Mother Beside You Now


My mother beside you now
In some revolting bed
Of dirt and weeds
And coffin sheets

The candles
Of the firefly
Now mourning
Disbelief

Together again
On some revolting bed
Of destiny
And bygone days

SHOVELED IN
By strangers now-
The hands
Of death
Gone hunting here

In the quiet house-
The house
We once
Called Home.

Anastasia Clark, "Greiving with Poetry- a journey to the soul

I too have Anastasia's book and found it to be comforting - she manages to find the "right" words to describe the loss of a parent or really anyone in our lives.

Glad you came here to share your story with us Donette....as you can see from this thread, you are NOT alone!

Donette, you suffered a lot of loss in such a short period of time...my heart aches at the thought of you being hit over and over again like that. And there's nothing like guilt, shame and regrets to make it almost impossible to get through that grief unscathed. I'm still healing from my own losses, made more difficult by regrets and guilt. But being here has helped me tremendously, especially to dare to talk with my Mom and ask her for her forgiveness...and in turn, to forgive her, because as much as she loved me, she did also hurt me a lot throughout my lifetime. It's an ongoing dialogue with her, but I'm feeling more serenity than before, so it would seem that there is healing taking place.

I don't know the circumstances that lead you to blame yourself for their deaths, but I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself, and them for dying too soon. My heart aches with you.

I'm so sorry, Donette, that you have experienced so much grief. I lost four family members in one year and it just started getting surreal.

My mother used this term, orphan, when my aunt passed last year. At the time, I didn't understand it. She was the last surviving member of her family and I felt that an orphan was one who had been without family but all of you have shown me the true meaning of it. Thank you.

And I am sorry for others greif too four family members in one year is unbearable I had three and more in the next year but it does get surreal and yu wait to see whose next , I know that feeling .. and thank you woho shared their condolences with me
here .

Another story

A friend of mine lost her father suddenly about two weeks after my mother died , she actually was closer to her father . When we were talking she said to me at least I didn't lose my HOME though, I learned to know what that met and it surprised that in her own grief that once the mother goes the family gatherings do to .. My dd could not do Christmas morning LOl it makews me smile just the thought of him trying .. I do think that kids even experience this a bit in divorce too especially time with their father changes .. It's not the dad's fault it is just the way it seems to be As my finace says Women are gatherers, mem are the hunters the way it was way back

Hi,
So sorry to hear about all your losses. One lady described it to me that she felt like she was in a fishbowl of grief.
When I lost my father and was having trouble getting through the grief it was suggested that I write letters to him and it felt good. I still cry when I read those letters. When my mother passed one of my friends told me I could join her in being an orphan. I miss them both still. Its been 3 years for mom and 12 with my father.
Maggie

Donette ... it is hard when you lose the home and all the family celebrations. My mom's been gone almost five years (although it doesn't seem like that long) and my stepdad a little over two. I was heartbroken at the thought of losing the house they lived in. Even though I didn't grow up there, we spent more than 20 years celebrating life in our extended family. We were so blessed when my sister and her husband were able to purchase it. You are right ... when we lose those so close to us, we really lose so much more ... the traditions and for me it was almost as devastating. But God, in His infinite love and grace, has given me a peace that's almost impossible to describe.

I pray for all who have lost so many family members and, along with them, the traditions. Yet, as long as our memory of them lives, they live within our hearts.

Blessings, Francine

writegirl, your post remined me of selling my parent's home. Even though they were still alive, we could no longer celebrate the way we once had as a family.

The older we get, the more we face loss of many kinds. I believe how we handle loss has a lot to do with our happiness as we grow older. We need to turn those losses around and look at them as new beginnings with different opportunities.

I share in wishing everyone strength in the midst of loss. It's all so fresh since suddenly losing my mother-in-law 10 days ago. I find peace in knowing she is finally at perfect peace and will be for all eternity. Her memories live on in all those whose lives she touched.

My father passed away when I was 9 over 25 years ago, the hardest moment for me was my wedding day, wow, I really needed a dad that day! My oldest brother walked me down the Isle.

I have often wondered what I would do without my mother. I was adopted at 15. She has been more than any orphan could ever hope to find. She is 75 this year. She is doing well, but I can't imagine life without her. Sometimes I think...God, could I really go on and live the rest of my life without calling my mother to find out what she thinks about things, or hear her laugh at my stupid jokes.

My heart goes out to you that have lost your mom or dad.

Hello to all you adult orphans -

May I join your group? I've been an adult orphan most of my adult life. Needless to say, its been a hard journey and often a lonely journey. I say these things not to elicit sympathy but to reach out to others in the same boat. Is there any interest in forming some kind of group, national or local, for people with no family, either through estrangement or death?

If anyone is interested in forming such a group please e-mail me at dparker708@Aol.com.

I am also editing an anthology on loss. If anyone out there is interested in contributing a piece please send it to the above address.

Thanks for reading this and I hope we can unite to form our own family.

Diane Parker

DParker, thanks for posting. If yo would like to write something up about froming a group I could post it in the next newsletter. Also, write up a call for submissions for the anthology and I'll put that in the newsletter too.

Do you have any local friends who might be willing to adopt you into their families for the holidays and special occasions.? Just a thought.

It sure seems that the older we get, the more of us there will be. I believe our gain lies in continuing to reach out and build more relationships.

I read an article about people who lived to be a hundred. They shared that their faith and the ability to carry on after loved ones died were their secrets to happiness in old age. They also mentioned how important it was to continue making new friends regardless of their age.

DParker, The thought of being an orphan at my advanced age is a new one I must admit. I like many people out there think of Orphans as little children. This is a complete new idea for me and yet it makes perfect sense. Thanks for introducing this topic and welcome to our family...

DParker,

Welcome to our online home. Glad to have you here. You will find this to be a welcoming, warm, loving site.

My father died in 1998 and my mother in 2000. It definitely is a new concept to be an adult orphan. I have siblings, but it is not the same thing as having your parents.

The idea of the group sounds interesting.

Welcome again.
Sandpiper

My heart goes out to you. I lost my mother 12 years ago, and my father has recently taken a turn for the worst. He'll be 80 soon. I'm not ready to lose him too. Just thinking about it makes me feel alone in the world.

Flo Voy,
Your words bring back such aching memories...and MY heart goes out to YOU. There just aren't words eloquent enough to ease the anguish of watching a beloved father slipping away from us. It still brings tears to my eyes and sobs to my throat to remember watching my Dad, and then my Mom, go.

It's clear how profoundly you love your father. I can feel your anguish in your post. Just know that you're NOT alone. If it helps at all, know that we all will be here for you as you go through this. Come here and let us nurture you through this. Although I can't be on-site all the time, and will be gone much of October, I promise I will be "with you" in prayer and heartfelt thoughts. And I know other women here have gone through the same thing and will also stand by you throughout this painful time.

I still miss my parents terribly, so with every thought of them, I will add many more thoughts for you.

Flo, I see you answered some of my questions from another forum. Sorry about that.

I watched Mom die a quick death to lung cancer this time four years ago. It was pitiful to watch. However, we did try to find the beauty within the rough times for the family. All of us drew closer by caring for her daily. Dad, my brother, sisters and our families got so close, and Mom loved seeing that. WE've always been close, but family life with our own children kept us busy until Mom became ill. Then all of us rallied around her and one another. That part was beautiful.

Try to find the blessings in each visit. Look hard for them. There is a great book you might want to check out. It's called The Final GIft. It gives a healthy perspective on death and dying.

Do you have any siblings in town?

We tend to carry one another in prayer at BWS. I will carry you and your dad.

Thank you for the name of the book. I'll look for it. And thank you all so much for your prayers and concern. I'll be praying for you all too.

My brother lives 1000 miles away, and I don't expect much out of him. I refuse to beg. I barely know him anyway.

Welcome to Flo, Dutchy and DParker.

I am sorry for each participant's losses. It is hard to loose a loved one at any age. I lost my dad when I was 7 and it still brings tears to my eyes when I remember him.

I often wonder what would our lives be now if he were still with us. I do praise the Lord for the hope of resurrection and I await that day when Christ returns. Death will be no more.

I can wholeheartedly say: if it were not for the faith in God that our parents instilled in me, I would have not come so far and my live would've been a disaster. Faith is what helps me carry on. I still miss my dad, and cry when I talk about him but I know it is just a temporary separation.

Being an orphan... I don't really think of that. I guess it has made me cling on to my heavenly Father even more.

May you all find comfort and hope amidst your loss.

Hi everyone. Sorry about all your losses. I lost my mom 6 years ago, and lost my dad 7 months ago. He was diagnosed with Leukemia and two weeks later was gone. He had some other health issues since turning 80 last year. i took care of him the last year of his life. We became very close. The 14th of September was his birthday, it was a very hard day for my family and my sister and brother. Two months after my dad died my best friend and business partner lost her mom. So both of us are dealing with being orphans at the same time. I guess our parents decided it was best we dealt with our losses together at the same time. I don't know.

Hello everyone. Just found and joined this site today and have so much to read and explore. But, your discussions have really pulled at my heart strings because I'm still grieving for my mother who died 7 mos. ago. Dad died 7 yrs. ago. I was their only child, so I really do feel like an *orphan*. I moved my mother in with me 2 1/2 yrs. before her death and took care of her and tried to do all the right things, but still knew I couldn't save her. Am really struggling with all the decisions I made. I guess you always think you can save them.... Anyway, thanks for being here, and I will continue to read your posts and learn from them. Some days are better than others. Today was a really bad day for me, and I think God led me to this website.

Faith, Welcome to our site!

I'm coming up to my 4-year anniversary of my Mom's death. Your grief is still so fresh and raw. I remember that first year, it was so terribly lonely and painful.

The most agonizing elements of my grief were the "what if's", the never-ending second guessing of all of our decisions and especially all of the regrets. My Mom seemed to be doing very well, then suddenly got sick and was dead within weeks. It all happened so suddenly that we barely had time to digest everything that was going on. We made quick decisions and in hindsight, we wished we had made different ones. But you do the best you can with what you've got at the time of making those decisions. I've had long chats with my Mom since she died; I sense her love and encouragement to move on, but find it very hard to forgive myself and face forward. I keep trying, but then keep finding myself facing those mistakes again and again.

But I really believe that our Mom's wouldn't want us to second-guess ourselves into such anguish. They are okay now, and we have to forgive and love ourselves back into being okay too.

I hope you find comfort and home here amongst us. We're a good bunch of wise and silly women (well, some of us are silly) who have found a great place to come and be. I hope you make yourself at home here with us.

Thanks, Eagle Heart. I'm very sorry for your losses. I know that all of what you say is true. It will just take some time to work through the difficulties. Thanks, also for welcoming me here. I will continue to look through the forums and all that this site offers. Looks like a great place to spend time!

Hi, all. I'm a double orphan, too. It's rough, but I know they're in good hands, and they certainly earned their rest. Once I moved through the deepest stages of grief, I did find one bright spot. I now have an incredible amount of freedom, which was a first. It's something, anyway.

Pat, glad this thread resurfaced. I read the previous posts, saw I posted back in August. And just a little while ago I was packing up Christmas decorations and held something my sister sent me that belonged to our mom. It's been five years and yet I still feel her presence with me. It's not a "spiritual" or other-worldly kind of thing. Just a sense that part of her is with me now and it was such a comfort.

It is rough but it does get better.

Blessings, Francine

Things like that comfort me, too, writegirl1949. And, in a real way, we will always have our parents with us as long as we're alive. Our bodies were created from their bodies, and our hearts and minds have been shaped by them, too.

Funny thing: if I start missing my mom these days, all I have to do is go look in the mirror. It's getting scary how much I'm starting to look like her.

Oh Pat ... how true that is. There are three of us girls and I can different parts of my mom in each of us. LOL. What's really strange is that along with the three girls, there are two boys and I cannot find anything in any of us that resembles our father.

But it's nice to "see" the reflection of my mom in my sisters.

Another little comment on our connections, so to speak. My grandmother died when my daughter was fairly young so she never knew Granny. Needless to say, my granddaughter rarely even saw a picture of Granny. But there came a time when Alexandra was about 3 or 4 and she was standing in one of her nightgowns, her arms folded and her hands held together over her little "pouchie" tummy and for a minute all I could think of was my Granny. She'd stood that exact same way so many times and it was a wonderful and unexpected blessing to be reminded how we carry our heritage even when we may not realize it.

Blessings, Francine

There is no way I would allow anyone to keep me from displaying my parents photos. Its your home too probably more since your the one who cares for it and everything in it. Honor your mother and your father anyway you choose. They deserve to be remembered and seen not shut away in some picture album, shame on him....

[ January 09, 2006, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I lost both my parents before I was 40, from cancer and a heart attack. My dad died right after my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer! So my mother dealt with chemotherapy and losing her husband! We were angry at dad for smoking and not giving it up. It was also one shock after another for us and my mom. She died a year and a half later. My brother died of cancer last year. We have colon cancer in our family. I am 60, my older brother was 62. My younger brother will be 55. We are doing ok. I felt terrible when my parents and brother died. Take care, Cathy

Cathy, I was with a friend yesterday who lost both parents within two years of one another. That was 27 and 29 years ago. She was such a young adult.

I hope you get regular physicals due to the health issues inyour family.

I need to also. My mom's side is riddled with cancer and Dad's is all the heart complications.

I haven't posted in months --- I've been caring for my mother as she slowly died from old age (91) and congestive heart failure (Feb 12th).

She was living in a nursing home but I still feel like I "cared for her" because, as the oldest child, I was in charge of her care. Sigh! The weird thing is that I haven't cried for her. She'd been on hospice since Nov 30th. For the 6 months before her death, she'd been slowly withdrawing from life --- she was less and less communicative and she slept most of the time. I feel like I did so much "pre-grieving" that when she died I was "prepared" for it so it didn't hit me as hard as when my father died unexpectedly 11 years ago. I was devastated when he died and was numb for at least 4 months.

We had her cremated. My siblings and I had a "gathering of friends" on Feb 18th. On April 15th, we are gathering at the cemetery for a short graveside service to bury her and then we're going to a local restaurant for a luncheon in her honor. I'm putting together some poetry and music for the graveside service. My mother loved going out to lunch so the luncheon truly is in her honor.

I feel at peace with her death. It was her time to go. She missed my father. I was with her when she died. There wasn't anything else I could do for her. No facility is perfect and she was getting the best care possible. I just hope that I won't be "hit" by her death later. I don't ever want to feel as badly as I did when my father died. It was HELL on earth.

Misfire, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. I'm glad you feel at peace. I'm sure that you will miss her in significant ways as the first year progresses (first Mother's Day, birthday, Christmas, etc), but hopefully that peace will keep you grounded and help you to weather all those "firsts".

I still miss my parents, but have come to peace with the hole in my life. Nobody and nothing (including time) will ever completely eradicate that hole and that aching, but it is what it is, and I'm learning to get on with life. But I'm especially mindful of the emptiness right now, as I'm over my head in planning our family reunion this summer. We've gathered together every year for over 20 years now. But we've all noticed that the joyful spirit of these reunions has been severely diminished, if not completely eradicated, since my Mom died. We're only doing it for the kids now.

But hopefully, we'll continue to find our way around that loss and rebuild that joy over time. Maybe when the kids start bringing THEIR kids and WE become the grandparents, we'll find a different spirit infusing the reunions again.

Thank you Eagleheart.
Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. She would've been 92. I feel weird saying this, but, I'm glad that we won't be celebrating it with her. She was unhappy and suffering. I don't feel relief about my mother's death and I don't feel sad. I just don't feel. As I said, I'm hoping that it doesn't "hit" me later but others have told me not to be surprised if it does. On April 11th, I'm joining a support group for "mid-life orphans." I'm sure that it will be helpful to me.

April is a tough "loaded" month for me. My older sister would've been 55 on April 11th; my father, 90, on April 14th; and April 26th will be the 11th anniversary of my father's death. Fortunately, my younger daughter will be 16 on April 28th so we do have something to celebrate this month.