Helping Mom

Just thoguth I'd mention here that Hannelore is going to be helping her mom these next few weeks and may not be here as much. Mom has had a few falls and didn't really remember the last one so Hannelore is trying to find her another place to live. Please keep them in your prayers during this life transition.

I have them covered. We will sure miss Hannelores fun posts.

Hannelore has all my best wishes.I so enjoy her company here.
mountain ash

I'm sending Hannelore all my best thoughts for taking care of Mom and there's tons of love inside for her AND for her Mother.

I just spent a week with my four sisters and Mom in Panama City Florida. We had a private pool, beautiful, beautiful home and I want to say that more than once I realized two things...

1. My Mother is so frail from the congestive heart failure and this could possibly be the FIRST and the LAST time that she has a vacation with all of her daughters.

and

2. I love my family so much it fills my heart.

Here we are...I'm not bald-headed, I just have my hair french-braided...forgive.



BOTTOM ROW - Mary Lee, Amy, Brenda
TOP ROW - Mom, Paula, da Queen

Purdy, ain't they?

This is awesome. You will never be sorry you took this shot. I love it. I bet you'll treasure it forever.

I'm glad you told me about your hair. I couldn't pick you out at first because you all resemble one another. I am so glad you could all make it. And how cool that you wre there without hubbies and kids. That's amazing.

What a beautiful picture!!! What a treasure.

Thanks gals...We still can't get over the fact that we spent the entire week together and not once did you hear, "Mom, she just touched me...she looking at me funny...she's on my side of the car.." It was magic!

I hope things go well for Hannelore and this life change for her and her mother.

Jawjaw, priceless picture! So beautiful!

Cheers,
Darlene

Thank you kindly. I've about decided to write about the journey for my next NABBW article so look for it this month. IF...I get the time. That Dotsie...such a slave driver!

what a great pic! Are you the only redhead of the bunch?

I would've loved to be the "fly on the wall" at that gathering! That is, until someone swatted me

Alright, alright. Enough of that stuff.

I can't get over the fact that all of you were able to go while all the hubbies, grandkids and greats were taken care of. It must have been magic.

That's what it was...magic. But it was ALL ABOUT MOM. When you mention Mother to us, we listen.

And we all made a pack before we left that we would get along, no matter what, for her. Quite frankly, it was easy. I don't think we all understood or realized how "grown up" we are. I know one thing, I look at all four of them in a different light now. I didn't want to kill them, not one of them, not even once. We all cried when we had to leave.

Is that a hoot or what?

Once again Dotsie your post and your prayers have touched my heart. Thank you my dear friends for all your well wishes.


What a beautiful family picture JJ. Did you all organize a dress code? Funny, I have that combination on right now…white blouse and tanned slacks. Other then the Boston accent, I could blend right in with you gals.

I've been checking out old age homes with my Mom, and we have come to the conclusion the closer the home is to me, the better. Her insurance covers a paid stay at an old age home up to 28 days/yr. Not bad. We'll be using that for her to just try it out, and just have to wait for the final paper work. She is open to trying it out, so that makes it somewhat easier for me.

JJ wrote in another post how it was to pack her Dad's things for the last time. Oh God, I dread that too, but am trying to stay strong. Knowing that so many of you have gone through this as well, truly helps me.

Was your Mom's hubby a veteran? If so, she might be entitled to more benefits in home health care. Only 28 days A YEAR? That sounds low to me. But I've been out of the "caregiving" role for a year or so.

Mother took out the insurance that pays for you to stay in a home. Long-term care insurance. So if something happens to her, it will be paid for. Almost. I guess we should all have it because when these boomers age, the homes are going to be overflowing and the cost even higher.

Good luck Hannelore, you are in my thoughts daily.

All my best to HL and her Mom. I know they will find the perfect place!

JJ...love the picture...didn't realize that everyone did get to go...awesome!

Hannelroe, great to see you. 28 days a year does seem low. What do you do if she has to remain there? I'm sure you've thought of that.

We jsut purchased long term care and this is the second time I've heard bad things about it since doing so. I am going back to read all the fine print, but I think we understood it correctly. I'll let you know.

Wow JJ what a great picture. It's amazing! I can feel the emotions and magic.
What a gift to have that time with your sisters and mother. And you are all so purdy

I love that pic, JJ! The water looks so beautiful. I'm glad all of you had such a great time.

Hannelore, my thoughts and prayers are with you, I have been down that road sweetie. I know it is hard on us to have to place our parents in assisted living or nursing homes, but please keep in mind how hard it is on them and have a lot of love and patience. My MIL went through and extremely bad period of depression when she broke her hip and was incapacitated for quite a while. She was always very independent, "the stubborn old german woman" as we sometimes called her, did not like having to be taken care of. It really hurt her pride. It's so hard for them to accept being in that position. We're here for you and wish you the best.
Gerri

Let's talk about this. Would you like to be cared for? I think I'm way too independent to be happy with others doing for me what I could once do for myself. This is actually one of my fears...having to be dependent on another soul for my care. How about you?

It scares the beegebbies out of me. To be as my kid sister was, totally helpless and dependent on others. I would rather be dead and I mean that sincerely. To think of being a burden, and don't kid yourself thats just what it is, even when someone loves us, well I don't think I could endure that, and wouldn't want to be remembered that way.

I don't think I can predict how I would feel. If I could not take care of myself, was afraid of falling or injuring myself and my greatest fear was that of not getting help, I might want to go to an assisted living apartment, but not a nursing home -- well, I'm picturing those in the past.

Hannelore, my family got together yesterday to celebrate my birthday and my daughter-in-laws, as well. All of us noticed that my mother could not or was afraid to walk along the pier with us. My mother-in-law did'nt want to walk, either. We all had a "light bulb moment."

So, as much as I am able to, I can emphathize with your current situation. I believe that your wonderful sense of humor will help with this life transition.

JawJaw, I loved that picture and the whole idea of vacationing together!

Blessings to all,
Emily

Yesterday I felt overwhelmed. Grandbaby hanging on to one hand, pretending she's bunji jumping (the rope being my arm), and my Mom hanging onto my other arm, leaning her entire weight on my elbow. This is when I wish I had sisters. JJ you are soooo lucky.

I've told my son …make sure you have at least two children so they can share when it's time to take care of you. Oh well, big help that is for me;…my brother living over seas.

He is planning to come to Germany, end of September for two weeks, to take a load off my shoulders. So Mom is now sulking and saying she wants us to do everything together as a family. Hubby will not like that. On one hand, I do think it is great to do things together with my brother and Mom, on the other hand, Hubby says now we have an opportunity to do something for ourselves and grandbaby. I tend to agree with my mother, it is wonderful when family gets together…but I can understand Hubby too.

I can't win.

I wish your hubby would understand that your mother will not be around for a whole lot longer.

However maybe you can swing something when son comes over to help...

would I like being cared for...well, admittedly if I was quite disabled, I wouldn't mind a family member to assist in some basic stuff.

I guess for those of us who are childless, we know that we cannot imagine having someone younger from our family to visit us in nursing home, etc.

But it probably would be a lovely thing that there was someone who knew me well and cared enough to visit me occasionally. Every hermit wants some general companionship.

Wow JJ...I can't imagine how crazy it must have been growing up with all of your girls...fun and loving and joyful and so many hormones...whoa. How wonderful for your mom to have this time with her daughters...I'm so glad ya'll did this and you'll have this wonderful memory forever and ever.

I am waiting to read an article written by the queen about her week away with Mom and the girls. I bet it will be a hoot.

Hannelore, I recall when Mom was sick and dying of cancer. She had Dad and four of her kids in town who tended to her every need because we wanted to. But I've got to tell you, when our youngest sister arrived from out of town, all us locals breathed a sigh of relief because we knew she'd be moving in with Mom and Dad and we'd all get a little break. Take advantage of your brother when he's around. I hope you understand what I mean by take advantage...just let him do the caregiving for a change. It also will allow him to get a true picture of how Mom is doing.

Hannelore...bless you heart. I'm sending my hug angels to Germany again...are they there yet?

Hannelore, coming back to this topic, I just feel for you. I hope you have a good support system of friends over there, you know you have them here. Trust me, there will be times you will need a break. I don't care how who it is or how much you love them, taking care of an elderly relative or terminally ill, it wears on you emotionally, physically, and financially, it can take a huge toll on a marriage and family.
I am glad that we were here to take care of my husband's parents, but there were days I would just break down from complete physical and emotional exhaustion. At one point, it took a toll on my health, I was literally sick for six months, my doctor said I had to take a break, I called the
others out of town and at that point they all agreed that once a month one of them would come down, they would take turns, each try to stay at least a week to give us a break.
That was a huge relief. So, Hannelore, take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. I know it's hard, but I know personally, in spite of how hard it was sometimes, it was also rewarding in a way, I learned a lot.
One thing I learned about the elderly that so many don't realize, they need company, human contact. So many are in assisted living and nursing facilities and rarely see their families and a lot of their friends end up distancing themselves from the situation. I know that happened with my in-laws, I can only remember 2 people from their church who were faithful to the end and came to see them on a regular basis, and helped when they could. It's very sad.
Okay, sorry to ramble, this topic really hits home with me.

Gerribeck thank you for your understanding. I find the more I do for my Mom the more she needs me. I think that is typical for older people. In German they would say it's like a barrel without a bottom.

Last night I couldn't sleep. So many things were going through my head. My Mom has been asking me to do more things with her; and this after I spent an entire day from 9:00 AM to 8:00 PM driving her around to lakes and mountains. I have found a lady to help me out, but she's on vacation till September. Then of course our 18 month old grandbaby is living with us. I still have my real-estate business, which is still running, but has been cut to about 50% since I just don't have the time. And last but not least, I have to make sure Hubby doesn't feel neglected.

Honestly, the only thing I do for myself is chat with you ladies. Forget painting, reading or writing...that's all on a backburner. Sometimes I have problems coming to terms with that, and instead of getting the sleep I so direly need, I can't sleep, and mull over everything. It feels good to know that so many of you have gone through this and survived. Thankyou so much for your support and good wishes.

Ditto that!

Hannelore, you must feel pulled in all sorts of directions. Your mom must be so scared. She wants to see mountains and lakes. Who knows if we can see them from the after life? I guess if there was a light, it would be that you have the strength (believe it or not) to be there, in the middle, with new life at your arm (grand baby) while your mother needs you in her later years.

Dotsie, you are asking how we would feel about being dependent on another. You had surgery on your knee, right? If I remember correctly it sounded like you had a healthy exchange of doing as much for yourself while relying on others to get around. I think I true test of how much someone loves us is how they treat us when we are sick. I do not fear having others care for me if when I am sick. My fear is that no one will be there! Even those who have children can't be guaranteed that those children will be willing/able/available to help us. I hope that elder care (and we have an expert on this subject on nabbw I think) ...I hope that elder care evolves so that being dependent on others is not a scary proposition, but something to be grateful for, that we are all in this together.

Lynnie, yes, Ross is an excellent caregiver. He even puts little flowers from our garden on the tray when he needs to papmer me after surgeries. I've had a few.

And I don't mind that. In fact, it makes me feel so loved. I guess what I'm referring to is caregiving at the end of life, when you know the end is near and you will not be capable of ever caring for yourself again. That's scary.

For some odd reason, I have missed this entire thread. Hannelore, I am so sorry to hear how much is on your plate. I hope you find the right place for your mom as soon as possible.

I agree with Dotsie - let your brother spend some time alone with your mom. You need the time off, your brother needs to see for himself what is going on with Mother and (forgive me for being so abrupt) your mom needs to know that you have some boundaries.

As far as Dotsie's question about needing to be cared for, I hope that I can be gracious and accept help from others when I need it. I also hope that I will ask for help when I need it. I am not very good at either.

My D, with his Parkinsons, needs tons of help. At first, it frustrated him and he would ask in a very crabby manner for help. Now, he asks without embarrassment. He has to have help, for many daily issues throughout the day. And he is learning to accept that as I am learning to offer help without needing to be asked.

Again, Hannelore, I am sorry to hear all of your life's setbacks, so to speak. If you want to talk, I do have lots of empathy in this area. I have D, mom with Alz, dad with temporary blindness (temporary for a year now) and a brother in California who refuses to come home more than once every 5 years and a sister who just moved to England. Oy!

Anno, since I was not a regular for a while due to travelling to care for my mom several times, I did not realize what you were going through with your parents. Or maybe I knew and it went over my head. But today it really entered my heart. Your mother has ALZ? I found that my stepfather (Dad) has a real hard time understanding that my mom has ALZ. He still says she has "selective memory" but the fact is her memory comes and goes. He is caring for her, cooking for her, and taking her to DR appointments. He has partial blindness. I am surprised he can still have a driver's license. I do think we could have more multi-generational living arrangements.

Thanks Princess for your words. I think my mom has had memory issues for years - dad called it selective memory, too, and us kids called her flacky. It wasn't until I pushed the point with her doctor last year that she was finally diagnosed. Dad's blindness is due to bad eye surgery and when that finally healed he got a case of scabies in his eye. He hasn't driven for a year.

I love your idea Anne. Some friends and I have been talking about buying a big house and taking care of each other as in a commune. I doubt that we will do it, but there is one other idea.

I didn't realize you had all this going on with your parents either, Anno. Do they live near you? Sounds like you're the only caregiver. Is that the case?

The group of gals I get together with monthly have also talked about buying one big home and all living together. I've also read articles about our generation going back to the communal living of the 60s. It makes sense to me.

Not only mom and dad, but Dennis, my dear partner, with his Parkinsons. Just call me Care Taker Ann.

My folks live about an hour and half away. I go there about twice a month. Just for a day.

Yes, the only caretaker and Dennis has no family near, so also for him. So far, I am doing good, and taking care of myself. If anyone hears me start to change, let me know. I intend to come out of all of this on top.

Yes, yes, yes, there is so much talk about communal living, especially for older women, because, of course, women out live men. Even if we weren't interested in men, women tend to be single in later years. This past week I had dinner with friends in their 60s and we envisioned this very thing. I would love to be able to bring what I know I can do to the commune: organization, painting and journaling classes, etc. Just don't get me near the stove. Anno, your chosen picture for BWS has a look of longing, expectation, and "readiness" to it. Also, I knew for a long time that my mom had memory problems. The thing is, she hung on mentally for so long...even though I waited 35 years to tell her the troubles of my childhood, she kept her mind together until I could tell her. Now that she has remembered all that she had to, it seems that her mind told her enough is enough. However, she has developed some habits that trouble me, such as dressing in a small closet because she thinks "others" are watching. So sad. Sometimes I just want to move in with M/D. How in the world Anno did you have Parkinsons as the condition for you to deal with? What a mystery illness.

Yes "Care Taker Ann", you are on top, and I know you'll stay there. But sometimes it helps to break down once in a while and let yourself be comforted and reassured.
((((HUGS))))
Hannelore

Oh, that is sooooo not my goal, to be on top. Thanks for the hugs, today is one of those days when I really need them.

anno, (((hugs)))

Anno, sending thoughts and prayers your way.

My husband and daughter are both diabetics so I often feel like a major caretaker, or should I say care worrier. You know, all the what ifs. Do you do that Anno?
That's when I need to change my thoughts to prayers.

Not so much, Dotsie. I try hard not to spend energy on worry. I am pretty good at living in the moment.

Belated hugs to you, Anno.
I haven't posted much lately, but I am always checking the site. Been busy these days.

THis seems to fix the problem, by reentering s post. Just a test...

Anno, glad to hear you don't spent time with the what-ifs.
My faith has helped tremendously in that area.