Mom selling my Fathers family heirlooms

I am in a bit of a dilemma. My Mom is not that well off financially. My Dad was a wonderful Dad but he was not the greatest in the money handling department. He grew up in Europe in a well to do family and I don't think ever thought about how to budget, plan for retirement etc. as he didn't have to as a kid. When he moved to Canada I guess he thought it would all work out somehow. As a result, my Mom was left with little money. He let his life insurance lapse etc.

Anyway. I am my fathers daughter. My Dad and I are similar in nature, nostalgic, sensitive types. My Mom is not. That is why without even consulting me she is selling all of my Dad's family heirlooms. My grandmother gave my Mom her Royal Copenhagen dishes when they got married. They were her mothers, my great grandmothers. I don't care about the dollar value (it is not easy to sell antiques anymore anyway, so they may not be worth that much) but the sentiment value is important to me. I think she should give them to me so I can then pass them on to my daughter, keep them in the family.

If my Dad knew what she was up to he would be very upset.

I have told her before that I would buy any paintings, dishes etc. if she needs the money but I guess that embarrasses her. I know she wouldn't want me to pay for family items but yet she is still going ahead having and auction guy come to the house this week. She says my Dad wouldn't want me to have the dishes because I'd just break them. Yes, that is what she said.

My brother doesn't want anything. He is like my Mom that way. He was not close to my Dad.

Any suggestions. I would hate for the dishes, paintings from my Dad's home to go to strangers.

thanks,
Kate

Kate, if your Mom would not let you have them nor accept money from you, would it be possible to have a good and trusted friend purchase them on your behalf?

My sisters and I am very much like you. We cherish heirlooms handed down to us by grandparents and our parents. And, like you, we see beyond the monetary value and treat them as objects which tell of the legacy of the generations before us. I have both of grandmothers' mantilla which swaddled all of their children. I sincerely hope those cherished items from your Dad's side of the family end up in your custody.

It must be frustrating to hear such a comment from your mother.

I like Lola's idea of friend serving as a buyer. But what a shame, she could not give something to you directly.

She might end up giving them to you anyway. As you said the antique market is very difficult. I tried to sell some of my mother's beautiful antiques to the largest antique market in Germany. They didn't even want them!

I'm so sorry your mother has been so thoughtless and cruel to you. It must really hurt to hear that your mother thinks you don't deserve some family items. I like Lola's advice of having a friend bid on the items you want for you. I'd also suggest that once you get the dishes that you don't speak to your mother about it. Your conversations with her about these family items haven't been at all helpful; prolonging the discussion might just bring you more frustration and pain. I'm really sorry you're having to work around her to get something that should be an easy transfer.

can't you show up when the auction guy shows up? or BEFORE he does?
clearly let them know which things YOU think are priceless family heirlooms. I am assuming your father is deceased?
I think if your mother needs money, it is important for her to sell family assets. But it's important for you too to be assertive and get your hands on the stuff that is important to you. You can't save everything.

Kate, does your mother have no other income? (i.e., social security equivalent?)

I love antiques, something about the old mixed with the new, the patina, the charm, the comfort in knowing you have a unique item.

I certainly believe you deserve the Copenhagen china and paintings.

When my father divorced his evil 2nd wife of 25 years, they had accumlated some lovely antique furnishings. To spite him, she took "her" (the antiques that she had purchased) and sold them at consignment. He really liked them and "he" actually bought them (considering she never contributed to the household income). He re-purchased them from the consignment and never told her.

There is something in silence.

You want them baqd enough you may have to attend the auction and purchse them which seems so unfair. What if you take someone you mom doesn't k now with you to the house and say that oerson wants to buy some of the things. Let them buy them from your mom for you. Sometimes tough times take drastic measures.

I love Lola's idea. This way everyone's happy. If I lived in town, I'd be that friend!

My Mom has social security and some savings. I will speak to her again. I don't want all of the paintings. There is just one that was in a lot of photos with my Dad and family members, me included. I have a nice photo in front of it with my brother and Dad, me in the middle.

My Mom doesn't get it. She makes needle point pictures and keeps giving me these types of pictures every year at Christmas etc. I am not into needle point pictures. I have enough of them anyway. I appreciate all the work that goes into them but I have enough and they are kind of country style, not me at all. She gets mad if I don't have them all over my house. They don't go with my furnishings at all.

I am into abstract type paintings. The one I want is a oil painting. It is not abstract but I like it and it has sentimental value. She is angry that I want it and I don't want to keep receiving her pictures. She said I only want that one as it's worth the most. I don't even know how much any of them are worth but they are not well known artists. They are just old. My Mom has some major jealousy issues.

If she insists on selling them to this store I may have to purchase the items I want and put them away. She won't like it if I buy them and I will never hear the end of it.

Kate

Hope that something gets worked out, Kate so that you have something of sentimental value that you would like to keep.

Does any sort of positive relationship exist between your daughter and your mother? If there was, then grandmother would very naturally and willingly give something that the child may want. Which is what happened when my partner's mother was still alive. It's actually nice when that happens.

YOu never know..

My daughter would not be able to get around my Mom. She is timid around her as my Mom can be very overbearing. She can be prickly. At times she is giving but usually there are strings attached. She must have had little attention as a child as she gets very jealous. She was jealous of my Dad and my close relationship. When she was mad at me she would say "your just like your father" I took that as a compliment:-)

She did not like any of my friends when I was a teenager and now she doesn't like my daughters friends. She judges them harshly as she did mine. They dress like tarts, that one looks as hard as nails, etc. etc. As a result my daughter accepts her but all of us see her just for short visits. It's easier that way. She also didn't like my Dad's friends and would not allow them to come to the house to visit my Dad. The one or two she did like she would flirt with and hog all of the attention away from my Dad. They were coming over to visit my Dad (he was in a wheel chair) and she would take over the conversation. I told my Dad he should visit them at their house but it wasn't easy with his disability.

When things got sent to me from my grandparents (my Dads parents) , gold jewelry etc. she would keep it and later said it was for her not me. My Dad didn't know alot of this stuff. I told him in later years. He just let her get her way anyways as he wanted to keep the peace.

I am not the type to cause problems so I would just let her have it. That was at a young age, even then I had more maturity than her. She grew up very poor, my Dad was well off which may be the reason she is the way she is.

I know if I try to buy the stuff she will be embarrassed and just give it to me but then be mad. In other words I will pay for it.

Since my Dad passed away she has become less confrontational but sometimes it shows up. Her major stress in her life (my Dad) is gone so she has calmed down a fair bit. I hated the fact that she blamed everything on my Dad.

Now I feel sorry for her, she is what she is. Life's short, and that is why I am trying to be careful about this situation.

So you see, my mother is a real piece of work. Just an example, the times I did stand up to her, she walked out of my house and would not speak to me for weeks. She did the same to my Dad. He was easy going to but sometimes she was just too much. When he stood up to her she left, sometimes for weeks, and would not talk to him. Basically to make him pay. She was an expert at giving the silent treatment.

But I love her, something made her the way she is. Obviously she did not have the skills to change over the years. I love her, I just don't like her personality :-)

End result, if she does sell to this guy, I will go buy what I want and just not tell her. Then I will put it away until she is gone.
Kate

(whew....that was good therapy to vent)

If I was in this dilemma, I'd face the music
and get the things I find dear.
You said it yourself. she'd give in if you offered to pay, and she'd be mad. She'll get over being mad and you'll have your treasured heirlooms.
good luck!

I wondered the same as Madelaine. If you can take her not speaking to you for a few weeks, it might be the simplest way to do things. I'm so sorry she's making it so hard for you; this should be an easy task.