What an ordeal

I was in AZ visiting my mother and step f. It was an ordeal, not because of Mom's Alzheimer and cancer, but because of my step f. How could I have had him in my life for nearly 50 years and I am just now noticing how corrupt he is? I wanted to rescue my mom. I tried to have blessed moments with her, and he attempted to sabotage. Could he have such obsessive "love" that he was jealous? After all we have been through, even in my mom's dementia, she and I still have an uncanny ability to communicate, even without words. I picked a lemon for her to smell and all hell broke loose because I damaged his precious tree. He's thinking of reducing her meds without DR consent because he, step f, does not think they are working. Wow, a friend from here had an ordeal with her family with a mom with Alzheimer's so I was prepared this isn't going to be easy. I am looking for the lessons and moments of blessings. That is where I have been. PL

Do everything you can to ignore and work around him. He has no right taking moments from you and your mom. These are moments you will never get back. I don't mean to sound harsh. So be it if it cause problems between you and him. That you can deal with later. Now you need to gather as many possible precious moments with your mom.

When will you see them again?

Hi Dotsie, I may see them sooner rather than later. Preliminary tests indicate lesions on my mother's spine. No way to know if these lesions are benign or malignant tumors. When I was with her, she'd say, "I feel like every bone in my body is broken." Well, no wonder, bone scan last week showed these strange tumors. She has to endure so many MRIs, CTscans, infusions, confusion. I can tell that she is losing her will to fight. Even if she was fully coherent, I mean, if she did not have the Alzheimer's, I suspect she'd be giving up by now. She does ask for me. I know my visit with her was nurturing and soothing to her. We don't know if she has 2 days, 2 months, 2 years, so I can't live there indefinitly. But when I get the inner guidance, I will go to be with her in her last days or months. My step father said last night that there were "forces" in my mother's life and in my life that "kept you apart" meaning keeping me and my mother apart. Yes, there were misunderstandings, trials, tribulations, and the generational destruction of child abuse. I wanted to tell him that he was one of the forces. He can't stand to see people being happy, isn't that strange? But he can't stand between me and my mother now. And, she and I know the truth of our love, despite all the mess and misunderstandings. What more could a mom want to know at the end of her life? Than that she was loved by her daughter...

I'm sorry to hear of your mother's serious illness and this latest negative development.

Do what you can to be with her and understand her wishes.

Thanks for your sweet reply, Orchid. I am in a wait-and-see pattern, until next Tuesday, when the oncologists and thorasic surgeon consult with the final results of the MRIs, scans, etc.

Princess, I too am sorry about this latest downturn. I really don't have much else to say.

Me either Princess, I just gave out the biggest, saddest sigh reading this, and other than pray there isn't much else I can do. God bless you and your dear mother.

thanks ladies.

In January, Dotsie asked, "When will you see them again?" I saw my mother over Mother's Day week. She has declined exponentially since January. She is living (if you can call it that) at home, and my step-f takes care of her. Alzheimer's is a mysterious disease with a mind of its own. My mother will touch her back, near her tailbone, and say "Every bone in my body hurts." That is where the new tumors are, inside her spinal column near her tail bone. Her mother, my grandmother, died on March 4 2009. One of the reasons I went to see my mother on May 4 2009 was to help my mom understand that her mom has died. My mother did not even bring up the subject. It's as if she has no concept of relationships. She know that I am her daughter who "lives far away." I had a experience where I exhibited fury at my step-f. Fury. Furious. Beyond belief. I did not know I had all that fury in me toward him. Every time I see them, it seems to be not only about the illnesses and disease, but also about some kind of learning experience. There are moments that any daughter would desire that I have had the gift to experience. When I leaned over to say good bye to my mother, she said, "I loved you since day one." From a woman with dementia! Who could ask for more? Thank you God!

PrincessLenora, good to see back here with us.

I'm so sorry about your mother. Her condition plus your grandmother's recent death, must draining and tough at times. I'm really glad, she verbalized for you the gift back again as a mother, her love for you despite whatever you might have difficulties have had in the past long ago.

My partner did tell me of some incredible moments of lucidity that his mother had despite her slow decline in dementia before she died last fall.

Princess, that's interesting how your Mom touched the spot where the tumours are in her back. And I so love those beautiful words your Mom spoke to you. What an exquisite treasure to hold in your heart!

Sigh. I so love it when you're here.

Princess, welcome home, honey. I know first-hand the ins and outs of dementia, and you were certainly given a gift by her words. I know the distance must seem like a terrible wall for you, and I'm sorry you cannot be closer to your mom where you can see her more often. Selfishly, I am glad to see you back in here though. As Eagle says, you are always missed.

Welcome home, Princess.

I am so sorry that your mother needs to endure such pain. I know that it must be so difficult for you to be so far away. My own mother has alzheimer's and I worry for her too. How wonderful that your mom is still able to express love for you.

Princess, it must be hard that your mother doesn't live near you. You have alot to carry on your shoulders. Hopefully you can still stop and smell the flowers along the way.

Princess, are they giving her anything for the pain? I hope so because in this day and age, one should not have to suffer. I recall Mom seeing a pain manager who pretty much ordered medications and pain patches for her when suffering through her cancer.

Your mom's words to you are an absolute gift.

My FIL suffers from Alzheimer's so I know exactly what you are talking about. There are times when he makes total sense, then there are days when we can't figure out what the heck he's talking about. Currently, we believe he's melding the past with what he sees on TV and his dreams. It's pitiful to witness.

Alzheimer's has to be terrible for the family, and my heart goes out to all of you struggling with this. I have been fortunate in not having it in my own family, but I worked with patients in varying stages of Alzheimer's and know how difficult it is on the family. Stay strong, ladies, and don't forget to have some 'me' time.

Hi Girlfriends, thanks for the welcome back. I seem to come and go often lately, but I think I'm back here for a while. Yes, we are all touched by Alzheimer's in one way or another. Anno, I did read about your mother in another thread. Dotsie, my mother does not watch TV anymore. I had not thought of her mind rehashing her dreams. I do know that she comes up with a lot that pertains to the past. However, she also tells me horrible things, like, "They put something on a stick in a fire, and then they put the thing into the little child's mouth." I wonder if she mixes up something like a marshmallow on a stick in a camp-fire? It's strange that she does not understand that she has cancer, but she does know where the pain is. Yes, it's best to dwell on the precious moments. xxoo

I hate this disease. My mother's long term memory is okay, but her short term memory is horrible. She really doesn't know if she is happy or sad, fulfilled or disastified, hungry or not hungry....

And cancer on top of it all. It surely is not fair.

You would think there must be a way to store the short term memory into the long term memory department; something like a detour. I’ve read that we use only 12% of our brains.
Yes, like short-circuiting present information and forcing it in another department for storage.
Something similar to my heart operation. They built a detour in the chamber, and now the blood flows the right way.

Oh well….just a thought, which has probably been thought of before.

Yes, same here, Mom does not know if she's hungry or hot. Her long term memory is gone too. She says she is sad all the time. And she says she's ready to go...
Today the author of "Eat This, Not That" claimed that there are studies that coffee may slow the onset of dementia and Alzheimer's. I am mad about those so-called studies and claims. It's glib, it's flip, it's wrong, and surely someone who says those claims does not have a person with Alzheimer's dementia around.

I would have never believed what dementa can do to a person if I hadn't experienced it for myself when my sister, who lived with me, was overcome with this dibilating condition. So sad!!!

chatty, i'm so glad for your sister that she had you to take care of her! We should all be so lucky to have TLC while experiencing terminal illness and/or dementia.

I can't and won't take care of my step-father. When he and I were alone in the kitchen, he said aloud, "Who will take care of me when I'm old?" and I could not did not say a word. Wouldn't it be an instinctual reaction to say to your step-f of 50 years, "Oh, don't worry dad, I'll take care of you." He's already 76. I gave him all that I had in my lifetime, and I am just getting myself back. Got nothing left for him. I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way about a parent, or parental figure?

You underwent alot when you were younger, Lynn..with various family members. No one is asking you to be a saint.

I find it remarkable of your reconciliation with your brother.

My partner really didn't feel much super grief for death of his stepfather whom he felt didn't treat his mother well...especially during drunken times. His mother was a lovely person but didn't stand up to her own husband.

He died over 10 years ago.

Yes, Orchid, it is remarkable in terms of my brother and I. A reconnection is rare indeed. I'll probably feel like your partner when my step-f dies, not much grief. I've already grieved the loss of my mother. You know, with Alzheimer's, people have to grieve the loss of the person with the Alzheimer's long before the body has died. Thanks for the feedback.

Hello BWS friends, well, it's time for hospice. My mother's condition(s) are progressed enough that the social workers and DRs say, that's all we can do, it's time to make her comfortable. No more tests, because there's no more treatments. Ugh. We don't like medical tests, but when DRs say there is no point in an MRI, or a CT scan, or another evaluation, wow, that's a scary situation. So I'll be working with my step-father to arrange for the hospice for Mom. I'm all for hospice but of course sad for the need. Thanks to the internet, I can do a lot of the homework on line. So, if you don't see me for a while, this is why. I'm sorry I can't keep up with some of the lives I was following, like Danita and Poppy, and ALL of you, but I will be back ASAP. Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn, I remember the day the hospice nurse came to the house and Mom decided it was time to say "no" to more medical treatment. It hit all of us hard because that's when we realized the end was near.

Please know that it's a mixed blessing because you now have her end time to affirm her life and help her prepare to leave all her loved ones. There are reasons for all these stages even though they seem brutal at times.

I'm sure you'll do what's best. Remember to take time for yourself.

Great book:

Final Gifts. I highly recommend it.

http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Unders...1666&sr=8-1

(((HUG))) Lynn. Been where you are. It's so hard to watch them go.

My step-mom will be taken care of by her boys (my step-brothers). I did my time taking care of my mother. My step-mom and her oldest son (50ish) took care of my dad the last few months of his life. I just can not see taking care of another parent. The time I took care of my mom was far too stressful.

Lynn, you have so much on your plate. Put this whole issue of your stepfather on the back burner and don't pick it up again. It took you your whole life to get to this solid ground...please, my beautiful Lynn, don't let him steal even another moment of your life away. Don't let him guilt you, don't let him stress you, be firm and BE OKAY with knowing that you've done all you can do (and so much more!!!)

There just comes a moment in our lives when we're allowed and must say "enough". Draw the line in the sand, and know that it's essential for your own health and well-being to do so. Hugs.

KathyC, if in your position I would feel exactly the same way. Take Eagles words to heart, she makes so much sense. We are only given this one life to live, its time to begin living Kathy for yourself, not for anyone else...

Chatty Lady,
Trust me, I live for me and the ones I truly care about - hubby, daughter and the friends I've turned into my family.

I know we don't pick our blood relatives (because I certainly wouldn't have picked mine), but we can pick friends to be the family we weren't given at birth. I have wonderful "mommy and daddy" persons in my life. And tons of "sisters" that I was not born with.

Lynn, please listen to Eagle's wise words. He is not your responsibility. You must draw the line. That comment was a test. Don't bite.

Hi I just popped in to let you know I read your words of wisdom, and recommendations. Thank you! I won't be long away from BWS!

My prayers are with you.

As are mine.

Thanks for the prayers and good wishes. It's official. Any/all of Mom's treatments for cancer and Alzheimer's are terminated. This means she is in full hospice care. She is at home with step-f which is good. He's actually using the hospice therapy services! Amazing! He has had an aversion to any kind of support/therapy all of his life. (It's not he that needs the therapy, it's the rest of the world!) This therapy took a lot of work, and tough words, such as telling him the rest of the family cannot be his only support, as we have our own things to work through. The therapist comes to his house. It's a big huge mental/emotional breakthrough for him to realize there is no hope for her recovery, there is nothing he can "do" to make it otherwise. What we can do is make her comfortable. She is wasting away. I'm going there (to AZ) in a couple of weeks. She'll ask him, "Do I have a daughter?" and he said yes, and she asked for me. She does not recognize that she has sons. That is interesting.

Thank you kindly Lynn for sharing this journey with us all. Hospice is a wonderfully genuine organization that helps carry the burden of your sorrows, as well as, give first-class care to the patient. They are so thoughtful, so warm and caring. Your mom is in good hands.

I pray for calmness and peace for your heart!

So Mom is wasting away. In case I don't get to tell you all at the last minute: I am leaving on Tuesday night 10/06 to go to Arizona to be with Mom. She is at home, and hospice comes to her. Apparently, she has no clothes! She eats but I guess the food is not metabolizing properly. She can go out and about in a wheelchair but my step f can't go shopping for panties with her. These details one would never think of until they come upon you. So I get to go to AZ and see mom and buy her pjs and panties and tops and a bra for her one sagging flattened to her chest breast. she used to be a fashion trend setter. they called her "Venus" in high school! and I get to meet her hospice care-givers which is good because I think of hospice as angels and I thank God that Mom still recognizes me. I just hope she does not die on my watch because I am not bringing enough meds for myself for longer than the week. maybe I should? My step-f better be good t me because I really am all he's got. I know many many of you have been through this and similar situations with parents and God bless you for being there and caring for others. Love to you all, Lynn

Please bear in thought that prayers accompany you, Lynn. Always have. And, do keep well yourself.

Sounds like time will be well spent there, Lynn. Sorry to hear that your stepf doesn't feel capable/comfortable to help her with clothes-buying.

Thank you for your responses and prayers. I'm visiting you all at BWS the last thing I do before I go! L, PL

My heart goes with you PL, and a big hug, too.

Gather your strength through hugs and smiles with your mom. That builds you and your mother up. What a wonderful daughter you are.

Lynn, sending prayers, love and support with you as you go. EMbrace the hospice workers. They are earthly angels. Be certain to affirm your mom's life with her so she can go in peace.

I so wish there was something more I could do Lynn to help you through this but there isn't so I will pray as often as I can that all concerned especially you and your mom feel God's love.

I do not like to hit and run here. I will be back later tonight and tomorrow. I wanted to pop in and let you know the trip went well. I learned a lot about the power of prayer and peace in transition, even when transition is a long slow ordeal. It has been one of my life's lessons that my timing has nothing to do with God's timing, or even the timing of another human. The visit went well, my step-father was reasonable, my mother is 97 percent in dementia yet safe, and she gets to eat what she wants when she wants, including eclairs and cheesecake. More later and will catch up on you, Lynn

I understand your comment on timing. Mom was under hospice care for I'm guessing a month. They really expected Mom to die for well over a week. It was hard to believe that she hung on as long as she did, but when she died on St. Patrick's Day, after we'd all finished our corned beef and cabbage, we understood God's timing.

Thinking of you while you travel this journey.

Still in my prayers Lynn. We are all in your corner and your moms too.

Thanks for the well wishes and prayers. The visit was like no other time I've ever spent with my step father in 50+ years. Maybe it is the fact that he has had 8 therapy sessions with hospice, the only counseling in his lifetime, and he is a Korean war vet? He was very reasonable, and the only argument we had was based on me bringing up a topic about pre-pay for cremation, I brought it up with bad timing. He said he was changed, he said he learned about compassion and understanding. I put my iPod to his ears and played Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" and he had tears in his eyes and said that's how he felt (I didn't tell him it was MJ until after). We took my mother (in the wheelchair) to Penny's where they have a bra fitting specialist, and there was a bigger fitting room with drapes and upholstered benches for her frail fanny, and softer lighting, and the fitter said her own mother had died from Alzheimer's. Dad just waited for an hour or so, then I wheeled Mom into another dressing room to try on pants. I used to get very nervous because he would give me a task and then hover over me and tell me how to do it, and now I just tell him to get lost, like, "hey Dad, don't you have something better to do than watch me wash dishes like I've been doing it since I was 8?" Once when he asked me last week why I could not sit still and relax I told him, "Because you growed me up to make myself useful." That's what he would say, "Do something. Make yourself useful." He was quiet when I dared to repeat his words back at him. What is amazing is that he has let go of his fantasy of a fanciful retirement with Mom. Going back 50 years ago, when I was 5, he wanted my mother. He lusted for her, helped broke up a marriage, she got pregnant. He got what he wanted. And her first kids to go with, the ones he said "children should be seen and not heard." It is remarkable that he has moved from the bitterness and resentment he had the last decade, that his final years with her are not going his way. Greater than that, he is contributing to making her years peaceful as possible with her mind vacant with Alzheimers and her body choked with cancer. He has accepted that this is the challenge of a lifetime and he has been charged with her care in her last years/months. I happen to think it's profound. I thank God for the many ways prayers can be answered. Thank you for your kind sweet wonderful thoughtful sincere contributions. Lynn

Princess
I remember watching Aspects of Love..at the theatre and how it is indeed a personal thing.
Doing these shopping trips must be an act of love and I admire your strength.Take care of yourself