That darn guilty conscience

Lately my dear mother has been trying for me. It seems I can’t do enough. Sunday she spent the entire day with us at the lake. We visited an outdoor concert, ate dinner in a restaurant by the sea, and played with Anaiya at a huge playground. That evening she spoke to my brother on the phone, and told him what a lovely day it was, but the rest of her life is so lonely.

Argh. It makes me sad to see her sad, but I just can’t seem to do enough for her. Is this a sign of senility? I don’t know. She has so many activities on the side ( including a hired senior companion, that would do all kinds of things with her), but when you come right down to it…she is alone in her apartment most of the time. She told me she sometimes just gets up to look in the mirror and talk.

It makes me think how I want to avoid loneliness when I’m old. The only thing I can think of is living in one of those senior parks. But is that really the answer?

Then this morning, just as I was a little down in the dumps because of this, I got an email. It made me feel better, and I wanted to share it with you all.

“Your serenity is based on taking responsibility without taking blame, and letting go without giving up.”

Funny how it suited me. I have to stop taking blame if my Mom is unhappy. But sometimes it’s easier said then done.

People get lonely even in a crowd, EW. Old and young alike so don't flog yourself with circumstances you have no control over. It'll only wear you down. You are a very good daughter...period.

Loneliness has been my middle name for as long as I can remember. There's often been no rhyme or reason for it, all I know is that it is such a deep-seated hunger, impossible to completely assuage. I don't feel it as much now, as long as I'm with my husband. But as soon as he walks out the door to go anywhere, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

For me, I think it's an innate longing for God - I know that sounds simplistic perhaps, but I really think it's a soul-hunger for "Home". I've never known how to completely get rid of it, except to keep busy and fill as much of that emptiness with love, friends, God, helping others and good thoughts.

But Edelweiss, one thing I know with absolute certainty in my case is that nobody and nothing is/was/will ever be responsible for that loneliness. It just is there. And I've always been grateful for whoever or whatever has helped ease it for even a few moments or hours.

You are a wonderful, caring, loving daughter, and I'm willing to dare-say that your Mom's loneliness has nothing to do with you, with anything you do or don't do...it's just there, it seems to be as innate in her as it is in me. You care so much for and about her, but her loneliness is not yours to own or feel guilty about.

I really believe that loneliness is a soul's hungering for God, and/or perhaps for the family and friends who have already gone...if that's true in your mother's case, nothing you do will ever fully quench that thirst - but your kindness and company WILL and DOES help.

"I've never known how to completely get rid of it, except to keep busy and fill as much of that emptiness with love, friends, God, helping others and good thoughts."

Sharon, I'm glad you've learned how to cope during lonely moments. Filling your emptiness with those things mentioned sounds like a great way to live. You simply continue to belss others. That's what we're on this earth for so I think you've got it figured out.

Edelweiss, I can totally relate to your comments about your mom and loneliness. Since Dad sold his car, I can't stand the thought of him being there for days without being able to get out. Fortunately, he loves watching sports, doing Sodukos, talking on the phone, etc. He never complains. He has also had a visitor almost every day because he is so loved by his children and grandchildren and the few extended family members and few friends he has left.

My heart aches for you because you are the only relative close-by, right? That's a heavy burden, even though I hate to call it that. It doesn't seem fair.

Eldercare is making boomers consider how we want to live in the future. I know I'm thinking about it. Just haven't gotten the answer yet. I still think a big house on the beach where we all care for one antoher could be great!

Find peace in knowing that any woman would give her right arm to have a daughter as conscientious as you!

How long does it take you to get to the water? From the photos on your site, it looks like you are very close.

EW I take it your father is gone, possibly could she be missing him? My mother thought she'd be okay after my Dad died but she confided in me that she wasn't. It was harder than she thought and she was terribly lonely even though my older sister & hubby, & SIL went there each day. My sister in law spent the nights with her but it didn't seem to help. I know because I used to call her daily and be on the phone with her for hours to help her through the times when no one was there.

I feel so bad for your Mom but, dear friend, you have done all you can. You are a great daughter to her. You're right, you can't take the blame for her loneliness, you've done all you can.

You've tried your best, Hannelore for your mother.

I can't quite believe that you would dread loneliness for certain time periods....

You underestimate yourself Edelweiss. I've never met you yet, but you seem wonderfully socialable with a wide range of people but with reserves of quiet thoughtfulness and solo activity. An fellow painter sees this is others who share the similar activity.

you also have 2 sons who seem to naturally turn to you to at least communicate with you in a positive manner. That is a good sign that you won't be forgotten forever in the future.

My partner worried about his mother when she was living in a seniors apartment. She is actually someone good with young people and not a grumpy person, but she never cared to socialize heavily with other residents. Just 1-2 good friends.

Thank you my friends for building me up on this. You all gave me what I needed, a little pat on my shoulder. Lola, Eagle and Sandpiper, you are right about the loneliness. I know my mother misses her second husband dearly. She talks to him a lot, also when she forgets I'm there. But then she just giggles it off.

Dostie, your house on the beach sounds more and more attractive to me. Who knows...who knows....

Orchid, I know we would be friends if we weren't so far apart. We could do an afternoon of painting and afterwards go to some artsy document movie. Aaah well.

The whole issue of losing your spouse sounds dreadfully sad. We really need to recall all the losses our parents have endured.

My dad and FIL have lost most of their family members from their generation and many, too many friends.

That's why I think it's so important for us to have friends from all generations, and to soemhow continue to make friends into our very old age.

I really feel for your Mom, Edelweiss. I think growing older is so difficult with all the loss. We need to realize that we, too, will lose friends and family at that time and sometimes rapidly. Nice thought, huh? My Dad lost his big sister this week and two months ago lost his little brother. I can't imagine how strange that must be. He rolls with life now and always tells me that it's just a fact and happens to everyone but the lifelong loss must hit home. Too sad.

My mon has had a faraway look in her eye ever since my stepdad passed away, She's lost so many, both parents, a husband, a sibbling, a child, and so many relatives and friends. She says living as long as she has, has its punishments and rewards. Mom was just 88 years bold April 9th. this year.

LJ, you are so right about us internalizing all of this and considering what it's going to be like for us.

chatty, does your mom have many living friends or family?
I hate to say it, but there's soemthing to dropping dead of a heart attack. I know it's a shock to everyone left behind, but it's much better than living a long and lonely life, or suffering with some disease.

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Lately my dear mother has been trying for me.

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I hear you loud and clear, EW... it's as if my mom thinks I'm not doing enough. I pulled back Friday 3 weeks ago... haven't seen her since. Boo Hoo (I say that out of angry hurt - think me rude or hateful if wished, but that's how her attitude makes me feel.) I think I'm working my way through the grieving process and I'm now stuck on 'anger.'
This is healthy, right?