Ex-Husband Remarries

About a month ago I discovered that my ex-husband has already remarried. This is his 4th marriage. W/in 3 mths of our divorce (after 3 mth separation) he had a personal ad and they only dated for less than a year. We've been divorced for 2 years and and 3 months. They've married for almost a year. I've discovered that she owns her own home, thus no mortgage, and is 10 years older than I, and 2 years older than he. My ex is in the military and she is a 20 year retired vet now working as civil service.

In essence, he found someone with no financial obligations (he does not like to spend money on anyone but himself) and will basically do that which he desires. I am the opposite, very strong willed and goal oriented. He did not like that and tried to control me (which became devastating to me b/c he was abusive).

That part of my life is over, yet I was shocked to know that he married so quickly. It rather proves that he did not care that much for me nor a relationship, especially if he can hop so quickly from one to the other. (We married and divorced each other 2X - and during the 1st separation he was already engaged to his 2nd ex-wife w/in a month of our separation).

That is all over, thankfully. Yet, have any of your spouses remarried that quickly, and if so, how did you handle the situation? Guess there is nothing I can do, nor would I, and it no longer suprises me, but was shocking at first. Actually, perhaps I thought I'd be the one to remarry first.

Mustang, I don't think it matters that much how long you are away from them or what jerks they are. It still hurts and is another (the last) you have to get over.

When my son got married, I had been divorced from his dad for 10 yrs. He is definitely not the kind of man I would be interested in spending 5 minutes with now and yet at the wedding, I had all these feelings, mostly anger, I think. When he finally married the woman he cheated with, I felt hurt because it was a reminder of his rejection and at the same time I was glad she ended up with him, because she didn't get a prize, that's for sure. He dated her for 10 years after we divorced, then married her.

It sounds like your ex is a serial marry-er and I bet this one won't be his last.

Daisygirl

Am I having a flashback or have we had this exact same story posted earlier by someone else and I mean the same exact situation?? Eerie!

My ex was hot and heavy with a girlfriend three months after we separated (and I have suspicions that she was around way even longer, that she is the reason he became so unhappy with our home life). He eventually married her and had a child (and he never wanted children when he was with me. He says he's "grown up now." Isn't that special).

I've remained single since the divorce in 2000, and have no plans to change my status. I love men to death, but don't know if I ever want "one of my very own" ever again.

The longer I live alone, the more I like it. Probably not a good way to be, but for now at least, that's how it is.

Whirlwind

Good for you, first learn to love yourself, thats the key. As someone stated, don't remember who, its when you aren't looking that life sends you someone to love...Me I walk around with one eye closed, wonder if that counts....

Chatty, you're a riot.

Whirlwind, I htink you have the right attitude. If it works for now, keep up the good work.

Hi MustangGal

If this helps any, statistically speaking the divorce rate is on the uprise. In our County alone, the divorce rate for 1st time marriages is 75% and 2nd time marriages is 95%. There are no statistics for 3rd or 4th....probably because they have fallen off the charts.

I only know this because I work in the "system" and we receive quarterly reports.

Sadly but true, many times divorcees do not take the time to grow from their experience of divorce. They merely put a bandaid on it. They get remarried because they try to cover the pain of their divorce as well as the loneliness they feel.

My experience with divorce is to allow yourself time to heal, grow and learn about yourself. Believe in yourself, love yourself, and find out what YOUR needs and wants are.

Once you are completely satisfied and content, you will feel an overwhelming amount of knowledge. This will then be carried into your new relatioship.

When you get to that point, you will then be able to share these wonderful qualities that you have to offer with someone new.

The bandaid will not work because you will not need it. You will be healed.

Good luck!
Teresa

Mustang gal,
Maybe you're not ready to remarry so you are taking your time realizing your worth, enjoying yourself. It's not a contest or a run to the next I do's. He doesn't seem to be learning from his mistakes- you can and WILL!!!
I remember the day my ex remarried- after calling me up to tell me he still loved me- I slammed down the phone- thanked my lucky stars that I had escaped with my life and a wee bit of my sanity and threw a party!

My first husband tells my kids that he still loves me. It makes me want to vomit because he didn't love me then and sure doesn't now. I don't know what he's trying to prove other than he doesn't have an ounce of sense. I don't get some of these guys.

I know with me........I was really insecure and codependent in my 20's. I was attracted to the wrong kind of men. Married my ex husband and became his caretaker.

I put him first and me last.

Noone is worth this. Noone is worth lowering our own self worth for. Noone is worth lowering our own personal standards for.

It took along time for me to love myself again. It took even longer to realize what MY needs were.

But once I did.......I never looked back. Not even for a split second. If I did, I would have died. Literally.

Teresa

My ex moved in with his girlfriend days after I left him taking my three kids with me. He was having an affair with her and I finally got the courage to leave. He denied he fooled around on me for years but I finally found out the truth from friends. I always asked him but he was too much of a coward to admit it. This women had one child and did not care that he had three children, she wanted him. The strange thing was that he would have stayed in the marriage if I hadn't left him. Weird. Anyway she is history and there have been many since. His current live-in is ten years younger and they recently had a child together. I don't feel any bitterness now but had a very difficult time dealing with him moving in with the girl he was cheating with when we were still married. I had to go for counselling because I had so much anger and I didn't know what to do with it. I swear smoke came out of my ears when I saw him. In the movie "Waiting to Exhale, the scorned wife burns all his clothes" I'm not that kind of person but I really enjoyed that scene ha...ha.
It is often tough to see our ex's move on, get married, move in with someone especially when nothing is happening in the romance department for us. I have been on my own for 10 years now and have never had a long term relationship. A few short lived dates, but other than that...nothing. I enjoy living on my own, almost too much and have spent my time with my children as they have had enough to deal with having to put up with their dad's many live-in girlfriends. I wanted to be there for my kids. What I really find interesting is that when I was married I was hit on constantly. We had our own business and my ex travelled alot. I had to meet the guys that worked for us and arrange their day. Many of these guys tried to get close to me as well as others we met in social circles. They must have known that he wasn't faithful and figured why not. Since I've been on my own men don't pay any attention to me at all. I am fairly attractive so it is not that. I do realize that I probably walk around with a big wall saying stay away. I'm, working on that. (because I was married to a liar and abusive man I have trust issues) Also I'm older now and don't have the same opportunities to meet men. I work in an office by myself. Plus I think sometimes single moms are viewed as desperate or just out for the guys money. I have had that experience where they think you want them to take care of you. I have been on my own for ten years, have paid my own way and moved up in my career but they still think I want something. I hate that. Oh well, like someone said...I will meet someone when I'm not looking. I've been not looking for years and nothing. Doctor Phil said this. "If you are over forty with kids your chances of meeting a man are about as good as a man falling off of a building and landing on the roof of your car". He was talking about how you have to get out there. Many mixed messages are circulating and it gets confusing. Some experts say keep busy doing what you love and you will meet someone, others say you have to look at it like a job and go out and try to meet someone, others say just stop thinking about it and your man will find you. I am going a little off topic but it gets very frustrating (even though my ex is in extremly unhealthy relationships) to see my ex moving on meeting and having relationships while I continue to remain single with little or no prospects. I never thought that after leaving my ex that I would be on my own for this long. I had so many boyfriends before I met my husband and a full social life. I do have many girlfriends but sure do miss spending time with a male, even just as a friend.
I wonder if it will ever happen for me. I often joke about how I will meet someone in the old age home when I'm 80. Oh well, at least I'm not desperate and I won't settle just so I can be in a relationship, but would sure like to meet a nice companion before too long. . As my children get older and less dependant on me I find I have more time on my hands to think about relationships and wonder if I will ever meet someone special. Isn't that an interesting experience, when your children start dating.
Kate

Hi Katebcca.....I just sent you a private message.

I can relate to everything you are saying.....and even though I usually enjoy watching Dr. Phil........I don't like his quote. Sooooo not true!

We get BETTER with age!

Teresa :-)

Katebcca:

Thank you for your comments and I understand b/c I too have been told when your not looking love will find you (or where you least thought to look), that I must get out there (but I'll be 40 next Spring, and don't like the singles scene -- unless having fun w/ others & then having some creep come up and try some line!). Also, I had a full social life before marrying the ex, and during that time I met some creeps and a couple nice guys that did not interest me at that time (and regret that!). It's a gamble, and either way I'm bound to win (w/ or w/out a man) as I believe that so long as I listen to God, he will provide (man willing or not!).

When my first husband remarried we had been divorced for eight years and yet I was beside myself with grief. Even now as I write this, my heart remembers and I cannot help crying.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life time but there are none that I regret more than not trying harder to keep our 21 year marriage together. If only I'd known then what I know now. If only I had not let my stupid pride get in the way. If only I'd realized that I was having a nervous breakdown... not because our marriage was horrible but because I had experienced almost unbearable multiple losses and life challenges in very short period of time with the death of my parents, one of my best friends and my sisters husband.

R called me the night before I was to go to court to finalize the divorce and asked me to reconsider. Stupid me, I was more concerned about what other people would think if I called it off at the last minute. I was too proud to admit that I was wrong.

There were times over the next eight years that we actually talked about getting back together but then he got transfered to another state and I had a very successful career and job that I was not ready to leave. We stayed close because of the kids but then he met his second wife.

Yes, I'm still in love with my first husband. I probably always will be. Perhaps that is why I am in a loveless marriage today. I don't know.

I only know that when my daughter and son got married and when we held and marveled at our beautiful newborn grandson I was overcome with enormous pride and happiness but also incredible sadness and regret for what might have been.

My heart goes out to you, Bookie. It's hard enough being in love with someone you can't have, but it must be unbearable when you did have him once...

Actually, my ex-husband married his now wife BEFORE we had even filed for divorce...so that was a pretty quick turn around and also known as "Bigamy".

=) However, I do have to say that they seem to have a better relationship that he and I ever did - we just couldn't be anything more than friends...and I am not married to the husband designed for me, down to the least little idiosycracy.

Wow, I need to go to sleep - too many typos....I am NOW married to the husband God designed for me. =)

Although I find your story really sad Bookie,
I sort of wish I felt that way about my ex, it's sad that I have no feelings for him,like the last 23 years didn't exist. At least i can move on easier this way! Although I really don't know that I won't have those kind of feelings in the future because I could just be numb right now.
I hope you can find happiness in your new life and not have so much regret. I also hope I dont have regrets.

quote:

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Originally posted by DallasGal:
Wow, I need to go to sleep - too many typos....I am NOW married to the husband God designed for me. =)

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Wow! Great message. Gives me hope that maybe things happen for a reason.