Scarlett woman...

Do any of you that are divorced or have been divorced notice being treated differently by men and/or women? I noticed it from my own close girlfriends, some gave me the AWWW, poor thing look. While others (still married) snickered like I had failed and they hadn't. You probably know the type. Then there were the female friends that wanted me no where near their man, and the men (usually married ones) looked at me as if I were a lamb chop and they were starving? Have any one of these things happened to you?

I don't notice it so much now but when I was first divorced (10 years ago) I noticed it alot at school functions among the other mothers who seemed to feel sorry for me and my son. I find it interesting that quite a few of those mothers are now single mothers as well.

I really don't get the feeling that my friends don't want me near their husbands - I guess I'm no threat - although I do feel like some women wish they had the freedom I have.

I seem to have more male friends than I used to and that's a good thing... I don't have to worry about my husband being jealous I guess...

People are soo funny...

Donna

I remember when I first separated some women seemed threatened by me and my new status. One time in particular stands out. I went to a barbacue one year for my kids soccer team and the women all hung out together in one corner and many of the men talked to me. The women did not include me at all and I felt really out of place. I think for married women it represents fear, a reality that it could happen to them and they don't want to be reminded. I felt like I had a disease, the broken marriage disease. I think they felt sorry for me. During that time I was not myself and people noticed so they reacted to me differently. I have alot more confidence now (after 10 years). I do so many things on my own and am so used to it that I don't notice how the men or women behave anymore. I do know that because I'm more confident it seems that married women are more at ease around me. Kate

Chatty, please see my post under "married or single", as I seem to have merged my comments!

Gee Chatty, I think the married ones, or the never divorced people are in the minority anyway. Aren't they supposed to be less than 50% of the adult population? When I look at my nephews school books they are all written as if the children came from single households. so I think the ball rolls the other way as well.

Chatty, ouch! I believe I'd find me a new set of friends. When I first divorced, I actually had a friend(?) tell me that as long as I was divorced from ____, she couldn't be my friend. I said simply, "then you never were."

I have never looked back. She has, and has been married and divorced 3 times since then. I've run into her on occasion and am always polite, but NEVER chummy, even though she tries to be. I surround myself with like-minded people. I have no room for fence-riders or fair-weather friends.

Katebcca, it makes me so sad to hear of women treating someone this way. How mean. I especially can't believe that the host didn't go out of her way to make you feel welcomed in her home.

Listen gal, you can come to a BBQ at my house, anytime! I can promise you, and Ms C, and the rest of you boomers, that you would be treated royally at my castle, humble as it is!

Boy those stories get my blood boiling! Those people must really be insecure, is all I can.

I am by nature a bubbly happy person and that is something that people always admired about me; yet when I became single again those same actions had me regarded as some sort of predator. "Hide your husband, here come that divorced woman." It was almost funny, but hurt because I would DIE before flirting with anyones husband or even their boyfriend. Never did that when single or married. JJ I would love to have a barbecue with you and would even clean the moat.

I have found that it's the insecure women who fear the gay divorced women, as they call them. It's just like the woman who knows her husband fools around on her and gives glares to other women instead of the husband. Wrong focus perhaps?

Dianne, excellent point. Perhaps thier spouses give them reason to be jealous and envious. EWW!

I went into a men's store to buy a shirt for my husband. The owner was nice looking but something about him bothered me. When I left and was getting in my car, he walked outside and said, "Sexy car for a sexy lady." Well, puke! Doesn't take much to figure out what he was trying to do.

So, about a month later I was in this express store, mailing something and the woman behind the counter was very pretty but looked at me like she hated me. I couldn't figure it out until this same man walks into the store and it's her husband!

So, she hated other women who threatened her because her husband was a creep! She must have thought that we all wanted him. Not! Yuck.

Those type of men do their best to get their women to believe they are IT. My x was like that. He paid attention to any woman but me and said I had a problem if I complained. After we divorced, I was the woman he wanted and the "other woman" became the old shoe.

However, I never did blame the women he slobbered over, most were decent and not flirtatious.

Okay, maybe I'm out of line here...but I'll be honest. If a man would compliment me like that, and he's a good-looking guy, I'd feel flattered. I see no harm in giving or getting compliments. I also don't see any harm in flirting (to a certain extent). Maybe that's the European way. They all do that here. It's all harmless and it's only dangerous if you allow it to be.

Well my dear friend we finally disagree on something. I think any man who openly flirts, especially in front of his wife is a filthy slimeball. I feel the same about a women who does the same thing. To me any man that complimented or slobbered over me, when I was wearing a wedding ring was insulting me. He wasn't treating me like a lady, he was disrespecting me. Here we again see the double standard, (if he is a GOOD looking guy) what difference does that make? A pig is a pig no matter how cute he or she is. Damm, better get off this soap box, getting dizzy up here...Love you Hannelore, just disagree adamantly.

Oh goody, a debate!
As I said, this is the European way. There is flirting…and there is slimy flirting. I agree, Chatty. I don't like slimy blubbering flirting, but a suave, debonair flirt can lift the ego.

Gee, am I really alone on this here?

During the carnival season, everyone dances with everyone in Germany and not just their spouses. At restaurants, if you go out with a group of friends, couples don't usually sit next to each other, (the attitude is, we see each other all the time anyway)…
Men meet friends for sports and going to bars. Company parties are held without the spouses. Women go to theatres, join clubs and do sports together.

It all amounts to trust. In our 31 years of marriage, my husband and I have never been unfaithful. When he smiles at another woman, I smile at her too. I'm proud that my Hubby belongs to me. I don't have to lock him in or forbid him to joke and flirt with another women. I know he's loyal and always will be.

There's flirting and there's simply being nice to the opposite sex. There's a difference and it's in the intent.

My husband and I try to be nice to everyone, even the opposite sex. To us, this is not flirting. It's loving others, which doesn't lead to dating or sex. I think that when you treat others with goodness, they recognize it as such and don't take it the wrong way, especially if they know you are happily married. And if they don't, you would surely recognize it differently if the person starts coming on to you. Then you put a stop to it.

Hannelore, you're right. It's all about trust. And my husband and I have total trust in one another.

We always tease one another and say things like, "Boy would he/she like to get their hands on you." But we see that as a compliment for each another. And we also know neither of us are interested in seeking anything outside our marriage. We're too happy and comfortable.

I know married men who flirt, flat out flirt - and I can't stand that. It's so insulting to their wives. I really don't know any married women who flirt with men.

My x was even flirting with my 2 sisters. They told me he creeped them out. I had to tell him to keep his hands off my sisters.

Hannalore, your idea of flirting to me isn't flirting. It's only being friendly and kind and having a good time. Flirting is when a man falls all over himself to ask a woman to dance, when he hasn't asked his wife. It's when he tells that woman she's the best looking woman in the place - and announces the fact to the entire table of friends.

Daisy, your post made me think a little more about flirting. You're right. It's when they treat other women better than they treat their own wives. I despise that.

Oh I agree with Daisy. I guess it's how you define flirting. What your x did was plain rude and disrespectful towards you. Hope you kicked him in the shins, under the table.

That was my point. I agree wholeheartedly with Hannelore about just having fun. Thats great so long as one doesn't cross the line or their elective other isn't hurt by what they are doing. I finally asked a woman straight out what her problem was with me since I'm single and she said, "honestly?" I said, "let her rip." Never guess what she said, "you smile and laugh too much. You're carefree attitude is unnerving." Well upon further consideration she had to admit she'd never seen me flirt or do anything that could be deemed inappropriate. I listened to her comment however and have toned it down a good deal, and it seems to have worked, plus me telling several frisky husbands, my boyfriend is a cop, 250 pounds of solid muscle and is a 6'ft.4'in. sharpshooter.. ..Case closed, !

I think we all know the difference between a little flirting and the come on. This man was giving me the come on to let me know he was available. If he'd just said, nice car, I would have been fine with that.

To me, flirting with me when I'm wearing my wedding ring is an insult to my husband. Like I would stray to be with some creep who thought I wanted him because that's the only way he could feel good about himself.

My ex was always looking at other women. Nothing I said could make him stop. I knew the day would come when he carried it further and he did.

I used to be in a small church where the pastor's wife was extremely jealous of me. If looks could kill I'd be a dead woman for sure. I wish I would've asked the question you asked Chatty. I found a more single-friendly church and the singles are treated like regular people there!

One time my church had a singles gathering where people came from all over the city. Our church was the host, so I made sure I talked to everyone who was standing around by themselves. Wrong move. There are very needy people in singles groups and a couple of the men mistook my friendly kind attitude as a come on. I was only being social..... The sad thing is that I had to stop being nice to men in the singles group.

A pastor's wife was jealous? Wow, she better change that with her line of duties. That's bad!

I had a woman accuse me of being jealous...of her! I think she had a screw loose. Nobody liked her. I just said, "Really?" It was too stupid to even get upset about.

Hannelore,

I have to join you in the flirting...I am a flirt...but I flirt with men, women, children and pets...I do however know the difference in flirting and coming on...I stay away from the come-ons...it's not so much what they say, as the way they say it...the look in their eyes...yuck...but I do love some innocent flirting...

Yes, Jane, I think it's just how we interpret flirt.

Actually all I was saying is; I love compliments. It doesn't matter who gives them. They make me feel giddy and warm inside; whether it comes from a child, a wagging dog's tale, or a sleazy salesmen. I'm not picky.

I had a very strict upbringing. My parents had the "old school" attitude, don't compliment or praise too much, she may get a big ego.

Has anyone else become more self confident the older you get?

I was extremely shy, inhibited, and self-conscious. I know now that that characterization evolved from my upbringing. When I opened my own real-estate office, I discovered that I can be independent, confident and assertive. Those three words were words I associated with others, but never myself.

Wish I were that way earlier in my life, but I'm relishing this time all the more. I guess that's why I'm more outgoing and receptive to compliments. Giving and accepting them makes me feel good, especially if I know they are sincere.

Don't you think that the older we get the less we actually care what anyone else thinks about us. We know who we are and what we'reabout. We have learned our limits, likes and dislikes and are pretty well set in oiur ways. Like with men, at my age, its my way or the highway. I think we just learn to relax and are comfortable with who we are.

Hannelore, yes I have become more self-confident with age and I attribute it to my relationship with Jesus Christ and all that He wants for me, and to my husband who makes me feel so loved. When you feel built up, it's hard to be put down. I was raised Catholic and it was considered conceited to feel this way, however, I beleive God wants us to feel full of him, totally loved and almired, and then to give him the glory for our spiritual WELL-being.

I appreciate your posts so much.

And yes chatty, midlife is the best life!

I know I'm more confident as I get older...I think it has to do with the 'now or never' attitude...when I was young I thought I could do it later...now it's later and I don't want to look back with regret...also I have enough success in my life to give me more confidence for the future...

Well are you ready for this? Last night about 9:30 PM there was a knock at my door and it was the EX. He just bought a shiny new 2007 silver automobile and he wanted to show it off. I went out to take a look and there in the front seat was a woman looking all scared or embarrassed, couldn't tell which. I am so cool ladies, I said to her, all smiles, "I've just finished a dozen mini apple pies, they're hot and I have cocoa brewing, would you like to come inside for a snack?" He said quickly,(not allowing her to answer.)"No we have places to be." I never did comment on his stupid car. But I bet he had a problem explaining my being so SWEET, when you know he's told her what a B-witch I was. Ha,ha, Gotcha!

Your ex had some nerve showing up the way he did and for whatever reasons he did, huh? Reverse tactics. Always works. Way to go, Chatty!!!

What a great topic. I have learned alot from you all. Like many of you, I am also aware of my growth in confidence as I have grown older and I love this age.

I wouldn't say that it's that I don't care what others think about me as much as the fact that I like myself more than I used to and that maybe I have become more aware that everyone is trying their best to get through whatever it is that they are trying to deal with and if that makes someone look down on me for some reason it's due to where they are in life.

I believe people come into our lives to teach us - or for us to teach them something - so I try to focus on what I can teach others (or learn from others) rather than on how or what they are doing.

Dotsie, you always say things that make me think.. thank you. You mentioned that you were raised Catholic and that it was regarded as conceited to like yourself.... that hit such a huge place in my heart as I realized that this was how I was raised as well. Isn't that funny... thinking well of yourself is bad.... what a wonderful world if we all grew up to believe we were wonderful... why not....

Thank you for coming into my life...
Donna

Chatty, he must want you back or at least cares much more than he should, especially since he had a woman with him. If a guy did that to me, it'd be the last time he'd lay eyes on me.

I felt kind of sorry for her and he doesn't care about anyone but himself. I doubt he'd want me back but the last thing he said to me was he was going to show me...I said well that would be a 'first' and proceeded to allow all the words and feelings I had been holding back for years to fly out of my mouth like the bullets from a Gatlin gun. Words like loser, user and mouch. So I suppose he was able to get this new car and hoped to either impress me, rub my noise in it or make me change my opinion of him, WRONG on on counts!!! I doubt he'll show up again.

He cares about what you think of him, even if he wouldn't want you back. He knows you're too good for him.

This story fits well here. I've been dating a guy, the widower, (I know Chatty, I shoulda listened to you), and he was pressuring me for - you know. He called Thurs eve and after some conversation, which didn't go his way, he asked me if I thought he was a predator. I said well, yes. I don't know why I haven't heard from him since. :-)

I've mentioned the "friends" I've been meeting up with every week. Lately I've heard some very rude and insulting comments from a couple of the men. I've decided not to go back anymore. I ran into an old "real" friend at my church and he invited me to his cell group. I went tonight for the first time and really enjoyed the people. I used to be more involved in Christian activities and ministries and was closer to God than I am now. Something happened and I just kind of shut down, got depressed and put a wall around myself. This is my first step to getting back to Him. And me.

Daisy when you want to bulid a high wall around your heart and yourself, the one person you need with you inside that wall is our Lord. I have shut out many people for many reasons but no matter what, I've kept my God close to me in every way. Somehow nothing seems as bad as when he is there holding my hand. I'm not sure why you say you should have listened to me but theres always the next time. I just hope my advice is sound. Enjoy your new found friend.

Chatty, the ex called me right after our divorce to tell me he'd won a brand new Lexus at a raffle. Like you, I just told him I was happy for him. I mean, he pounded in my face but felt he needed to share this news with me. He didn't get the response he expected tho.