Queen Jaw Jaw, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Throne, Georgia Richardson

Okay Boomers, now you've got me salivating until my book arrives from The Queen here. Thanks for the warm-up!

Jawjaw, you da girl, Wa Hoo!

Cheers,
Cathi

Ahem...let's all clear our mouth of those jujubee's shall we? I mean, "so now I gotta go rescue Dwayne from dwoning in the swamp" Dwoning? I didn't say Dwayne wa--oh nevermind. I'll do it myself. Ay-ya-ya-ya-..ya!

Now listen up gurls...TRIVIA CONTEST.

For the next four weeks I will be here as your Featured Author. So, let's kick it up a notch, k? (Sorry Em...)

I've given Dotsie 4 numbers between 1-25.
One number for each week I'm here.

You with me so far?

Okay, now...each week, I will be asking a trivia question that has to do with my book OR my blog OR me! This makes it fair to everyone. Now...I am NOT going to tell you WHAT DAY the question will be asked, so you have to visit every day to see if I've posted it.

You must send you answer via email (GJawjaw1@aol.com) to me. If you send the correct answer, and you are contestant #whatever the number is, YOU WIN.

The prizes are as follows:

1st week - A set of beautiful notecards from Dotsie's site.

2nd week - A T-shirt from Dotsie's site

3rd week - A beautiful piece of jewelry from our own Meredith (http://www.meredithbead.com/)

4th week - A box of MelloMelts to go in your coffee or tea (http://www.mellowmelts.com)

For instance, let's say I ask

"What is the Queen favorite cookie?" and Evie sends me an email saying Oreo's. The number for that week is 6. Evie is email entry #5, she loses. (and that's for not draining the swamp).

So...then I get an email from Songbird and she says "Oreo's" and she is email #6, then she wins that weeks trivia question and prize.

If the number happened to be 20, for instance, and I only got 15 people replying, the closest person to the correct number at the end of the week wins that prize.

Any questions?

Read up, ask away, know your Queen...and da Trixster!

JJ

OH NO EVIE -- Dwayne is dwoning in the swamp again ????

i thought it was YOUR week to watch him <shaking head> -- i'll head on down and see if i can fish him up in the net

Well I can tellt his is gonna be a heckofa month with our Queen on her throne here in the Forum!

Now I've read your book (because you threatened me if I didn't), know you pretty darned well (even though I'll deny it if asked) and read your blog (when I don't have anything BETTER to do) - so I reckon I'm READY to tackle the trivia contest right? Huh?

Seriously - if any of you DON'T have JJ's book - well shame on you! It's totally hilarious and when you're having "one of those days", it works like magic to read one (or more) of her stories.

Oh and Evie or Carolyn....good luck finding Dwayne. I thought I saw an alligator wearing his hat about an hour ago. EEEEK.

Oops I'm afraid Dwayne dwowned....and Pam is right, I saw the same alligator...Shame on you two for not doing your chores, poor digested Dwayne. Honestly. it isn't as if I don't have enough to do Ms Queen, now I have to not only read your newsletter, your blog and your book (alot) I have to read this author post daily and then take a chance to win a chance to win a chance, to OH phooey, you know what I mean...guess a number, geesh!!!

Okay JJ, Now we know why Dwayne is dwowning in the swamp.

It's cause you're busy EATING THE TWIVIA PWIZES!!

And you're WEARING THE TWEE SHIRTS TOO!!

Shoulda' known!!
smile

July's going to be a firecracker in here
Louisa

Glad to see the Queen taking her honorable throne this month at the forum!
Great choice Dotsie! And prizes too!

JJ,
I've told you before but I want to make it public, YOUR BOOK IS GREAT! It gives true meaning to the phrase, laughing out loud!
Glad you are here (like you wouldn't be anyways)

Thanks ladies (and I use that term loosely! hahaha...)

Watch for the first trivia question coming to your local forum soon!

We're having a storm here right now, so I have to hop off the net. This means no TV, no phone, no Internet. What in the blue blazes am I suppose to do? Oh yeah...write. teehee...

As Arnold says, I'll beeee back! JJ

Stay safe JJ, and PM me that number. The check is in the mail.

Now What did I miss, who's Dwayne? I was busy cleaning a moat full of CROCS...'member?

Does she pay any of you? I need insurance coverage for 162 stitches and a plastic leg. Right now I'm using the one from a blow up doll. If I don't get paid soon...

I'm afraid my plastic leg with be the target of a lawsuit. I'm thinking my butt will sue my leg for non-support.

chick

[ July 02, 2005, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

I think I spotted Dwayne at a sidewalk cafe. He was trying to be incognito wearing shades, a straw hat and sipping a margarita!

Cathi

Gee Chick, I sure hope that whole lawsuit thing doesn't end up blowing up in your face...

JJ,
Am happy to see you here as the Author. Yes, her book is wonderful. Keeps me laughing!!!
Maggie

And what, you're quoting my Govahnatah??? You're not even from Cali.

OK, you can have him.

Yell-O! I leave for a few hours and what do you do? Run amuck, that's what. Gator-ade? LOL! A drinking alligator? A Govahnatah? mahahaha...ahem...ahem...as Jack Benny would say, "NOW CUT THAT OUT!"

Now listen up ladies! This is suppose to be a serious forum. Our words are here to connect, promote, to--to--aahh...Eagle! Stop that infernal snickering...Smiles, are you making faces behind my back? Cathi, hand over the whoopi cushion this instant...geeish, oh who am I kidding.

Hm...what the hay, anybody spotted DEEWAYNE today?

JJ

Evie -- I think there's a conspiracy to get us in trouble with our queen !!

i slipped dwayne a jug of the good stuff from the cellar to clean that darn swamp for me and now i hear he's faking his dwoning and hitting on the barmaids down at the cafe

he better not show his ugly face down at the DOO !!

I need to find out where the wit comes from. I'm amazed at the number of original "funnies" that are in your book.

A perfect example is the first line in CinderPillow:

Ask any psychiatrist worth their weight in Prozac...

I laugh out loud at this stuff. Does it come to you as you are writing? Do you keep a list of funny sayings? Were you this funny is a kid? Did you take classes in humor writing? What's the deal? Oh, I also love the way you punctuate your writing. Even the commas!

I like all of your questions Dotsie! I can't wait to hear the answers.

And what about the "Jaws of Life"...were you REALLY stuck in there for two hours???? I was almost crying when I read that...but I don't know if they were tears of compassion for your pain, or, well, um, I'm SURE they were tears of compassion for your pain. No doubt about it. I'm just happy for you that you didn't get a Charlie-horse in your calves while standing there all that time. Now THAT would have been disastrous.

Dotsie...In answer to your questions, YES.

What? Not enough? Okay, gees louise, let's take them one at a time then, k?

Q. I need to find out where the wit comes from.
A. In a word, Daddy. He was hilarious and always had us laughing. He was great for one-liners. Over the years, I became his straight man.

Q. CinderPillow AND Ask any psychiatrist worth their weight in Prozac...

A. I have to tell you all that CinderPillow was inspired from talking to our own Prill Boyle. I still lovingly call her CinderPrilla...

But to answer the question, "Does it come to you as you are writing?" the answer is yes, it does. For the most part. I'll see something, like an empty ice tray on my kitchen counter, (this drives me crazy! why not fill it back up and put it in the frig?) and I'm inspired. THE SON alone gives me all the fodder I need for a book. Remind me to slap him later.

Q. Do you keep a list of funny sayings?
A. Actually I do. I hate telling this on myself, but what the hay? ALL of my friends constantly provide me with writing material. Pam Kimmell is a hoot and if you haven't gotten to know her very well, you should, for more than one reason, too. I've encouraged others to delve into the humor writing biz but they won't. (Thank the good Lord).

But if I hear someone say something I like, or something I think I can use, sure...I save it. I have a folder full of funny sayings. Some are from Mark Twain, Lewis Grizzard, or my beloved Erma, but then there's also things my friends have said, and those can be the funniest.


Q. Were you this funny is a kid?
A. Actually, I think so. At least that is the way my friends and family tell it. I started out talking the kids in the neighborhood into putting on shows for the rest of the neighbors. We charged a penny a head to get in. I can't believe those kids listen to me! teehee...I still get tickled when I think about it.

Q. Did you take classes in humor writing?
A. Queen says with red face..Not a one. Is it showing?

Q. Oh, I also love the way you punctuate your writing. Even the commas!
A. Okay, that was a stab at me. Dotsie knows I need comma therapy. I get comma, happy, and want, to, put one ever, where. What?

If you have any more questions, bring um on. I'm happy to answer them, with the exception of a few things, my life is an open book. Hey, that would make a good title for a book, yes?

JJ

Eagle, funny you should ask me that question because it is literally the FIRST question everyone asks once they've read the book. The answer is YES... H E Double hockey sticks YES!

Can you believe it? For a long time after that happened, when I would go back for my yearly mammogram, the nurses would point and stare. Belinda (as I call her) was NEVER assigned to me again though. Good thing for her too.

JJ

JJ, then I really am crying tears of compassion for you! Ouch, ouch and double ouch!!! Just seconds worth of a mammogram brings tears to my eyes, how could you ever have survived two hours!

You're amazing to not only have survived intact but to be able to laugh about it...I'm serious here, JJ, your ability to bring laughter to others out of your own pain is eye-opening and potentially life-changing for me...I have been struggling (and painfully slow in winning the battle) to combat wanna-be cynical bitterness with positive compassion on a daily basis. You truly are an inspiration. I'm really glad we're getting the chance here this month to get to know Georgia Richardson better.

OK here's my Question.

JJ, if you had a chance to come back in another life, what/who would you like to come back as?

OK, seriously...is there really a Bubba and Earl and/or who did you base those characters on.

chick

Slim...Shania Twain, and yes...I'll tell more tonight. Mom's here and we start out trip. When I get to Tennessee and we stop, I'll write more.

JJ

Eagle, you're a sweetheart. Many thanks

Have a safe trip Queen. Say hi to Mom for us.

chick

Hey JJ,
How long does it take you to write a piece? Your work seems to flow so effortlessly, I was wondering if you write it that way or if you sit and stare at a blank screen for hours the way I do.

TVC15...to answer your question. Both. Some days I see or hear something that triggers my muse and off I go. I've written as many as 12 full articles in four days before. That was a great "bank." I haven't done that since then, but whoa Nellie, was I ever on a roll.

Then again, sometimes I sit down to write the short little two paragraphs that I send out on Monday mornings and four hours later I'm still banging my head on the keyboard. Go figure.

I have no set pattern, and cannot give you a good answer. I know that when I feel an article coming on, I have to sit down and write and usually when that happens, it just flows. I can't explain to you how wonderful that feeling is to me. I wouldn't trade it for a bag of double-stuffed Oreo's.

Okay, I'm lying.

JJ

Ha, Ha, Shania Twain with boobs of steel? If da Queen comes back as Shania...I'm coming back as a fly on the wall!

chick

JJ: The muse. Have you noticed that as a writer, you pay attention more to your surroundings and what people are saying and doing? Isn't that where a lot of your material is developed? I always had to laugh at stand up comedians because they notice and talk about things most of us just ignore.

That's a good observation Dianne. And yes, I believe it is true. So much so, that others around me have picked up on the fact that I see/hear/observe everything going on in a conversation and sometimes they stop, look at me and say, "and DON'T you dare write about this, you hear me?" Then again I think part of it is the fact that I just happened to be the kind of person who is sensitive to other people and my environment. So, I guess you could say that some people are sensitive and writers, but not all writers are sensitive???

Boobs of Steel? mahhaaaaa...I love it! Faster than a speeding dose of Ex-lab, more powerful than a extra onions on a Taco, its BOOBS OF STEEL! what?

JJ

Boobs of Steel: I can see a comicbook series evolving here...mmmm, extra onions on a taco...very distracting...

Let me say this first and foremost. The stories in my book are true with just a tad of embellishment. They all come from my own life experiences, and more than likely will continue to be the same.

I refuse to say how much or if all of the "stuff" is true, because that would take all of the fun out of it. But girls, you should follow me around sometime. I can't have JUST A DAY. Something happens every day with me. When it does, I write about it. Maybe not right away, but eventually, to the grief of my family.

Given this, I'll let you all in on one method I use sometimes when I seem to be stuck or when my muse takes a vacation.

I see or hear a situation and just simply ask myself, "How could that be funny?" Sound crazy and a little too simple, but try it. You'll be surprised how you can turn an ordinary situation into something funny by just thinking about it, and twisting the outcome.

JJ

Sheesh, I miss a couple of days and what happens!?!

Alligators, swamps, the demise of poor dwayne, boobs of steel, and double stuffed oreos. Whew! Serves me right I guess. I better not miss anymore days here.

JJ. You have a unique sense of humor. Do you have an "ah ha" moment where you can pinpoint when you developed your sense of humor? Or was it something you always had and drew upon in your life?

oh! When did you choose your title QUEEN and why?

Vicki, You think you missed a lot on the website, what if you hadn't read the book??

Oh my gosh you would have missed Dwayne, boobs of steel, double stuffed oreos and a whole lot more.

Everybody needs to READ THE BOOK. It's HILARIOUS!!
smile

Vicki...I'll say once more, good question. My, my, you girls are really putting your thinking caps on and hitting da Queen here with some good uns...

Yes, I can remember when "it" happened. True story. I had organized a backyard show and the main event was a girlfriend named Patsy who had taken ballet lessons. I figured hey, with that kind of talent, she would bring the house down. She did some sort of thing called "Air Bess, Lee Sa, and tousch a tay." Okay, for all of your ballet-goers, I KNOW that isn't the correct spelling, k?

I decided if she could do it, I could do it, so I had her show me how she did this little number. How hard could it be, right? Understand that I was an avid student of Curly, Larry, and Moe, as well as the Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis...and don't forget Abbot and Costello...so, being serious I wasn't. Also, I had her show me the routine one night before the big show. I was exactly a rocket scientist, but hey, I was 7 years old.

Showtime...the other kids do their little routines (you don't EVEN want to know) and then it was time for the grand finale...

Patsy and I came out of the quilt that was drapped over the clothesline. It was our dressing room. We're wearing TuTu's Patsy's Mom had made for HER. Everthing started out okay, but suddenly I forgot the rest of the routine and instead of following her lead, I start doing a soft shoe I had see Dean and Jerry do, then did a

"Da da--da--dada" flinging arms out wildly... "Da da--da--dada" throwing feet out too, right back into the quilt. The laughter went on for about 5 minutes. Patsy was mad at me, but a star was born.

JJ

Oh what a picture you have painted!! Tee Hee!! I can see you in your borrowed tutu doing your old soft shoe while poor Patsy tried to figure out ways to PAY YOU BACK SOMEHOW after the ballet demonstration was finished. LOL

Anyway, I think it's an absolutely amazing talent to be able to experience or see or hear SOMETHING and turn it into "entertainment" which humor certainly is. Nobody does it like you do. You ARE "the Queen" that's for sure.

I bet thats when you decided to make humor your career when you listened to the roaring laughter of the crowd and the thunderous applause. That my dear is the intoxication that careers stem from and now we are the lucky recipients. Chreering here....WWWWhhhhhhaaaa

Don't think you can get away that easily, my dear Queen. You can't soft shoe your way out of this one. My other question was when did you start referring to yourself as "da Queen" and why? <GRIN>!!!

But I'd like to see JJ softshoe her way around the sparkling speedo-clad Chippendales over in the Virtual Border Party...

Now you know we can't trust JJ around a Chip. She'll just sashay up there and try to steal them all for herself.
It's a fact.
Hey where are you JJJJJ???? Get on in here and defend yourself.
I gotta go eat burgers and pop firecrackers.
smile

Yuhooo...I'm FINALLY HOME! Holy moly...I DO NOT like traveling on the 4th; however, I will say that Mom and I had a blast at my sisters. My family can be fun!

Now, Ms Vicki...forgive. I didn't mean to overlook you question about how my "title" came about. Well, the short version is a friend said to me one day, "you know, if it's happened to anybody, it's happened to YOU. You are the Queen of Experiences!" and she laughed. I stopped walking dead in my tracks and said, "what did you just say?" ... the rest is history.

Now, about those chips...no, not THOSE chips, THE chips...as in Chip-N-Dales??? hello? Excuse me while I sashay over to the other post...

Yuhoooo oh boyyyeeeeeeeessssss....

JJ

********** Trivia Question #1 **********

Here goes gurls...read previous post to get the guidelines. Here is Trivia Question #1

1. What word of advice does Queen Jaw Jaw's Mother ALWAYS say to her?

GOOD LUCK!

JJ

"A woman's place is in the kitchen, telling her man how she likes her steak..."

No? Thats not it? Hmmm... better go check the book again.

chick

Chick, bahahah...a woman's place...bahhahah...yeah right...I can see the Queen listening to THAT! HA!

One thing I probably need to say, but failed to is:

DO NOT POST THE ANSWER IN HERE, K?

Send your answer to da Queen... now, all responses like Chick's are invited. We need the laughs, am I right? bahha...mahahaha...a woman's place...girl.. puleaseee...hahaha

JJ

"Don't eat chocolate chips if you don't know where they've been?"

Oooh, my Momma wouldn't like that one if she knew where it was coming from...have I turned naughty overnight? Or is it a 50's thing?

okay that one has possibilities...especially if you happen to have CHIP N' DALE dancer around...get it? Chip? no? tough room...JJ

Order in the court...

Oh queen, I have another question for ya:

What did the family members you mentioned in your book have to say after reading it?

[ July 05, 2005, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Wow...you people leave no stone unturned, do ya? Yet another good one. Well, when I first started writing my family was like, "I cannot believe you used my name. Take it out, change it!" So I would.

Now... they fight over being mentioned. Its like, "I don't see why you used HER name this time. I mean, didn't you use her in that article before last? Its MY turn! wahhhhhh."

For the record, I NEVER use any family members names without their consent. They get to read the article first. Only one time did I have to change a name, and it was because she WASN'T innocent. Trust me on this one.

I WILL say however, that they do watch what they discuss around me now. Mother is constantly saying, "and don't you write about this either."

I give her my best offended look and say, "WHAT?"

teehee...JJ

Go figure.

JJ,
Are you working on your next book yet?
Or in other words, How long do we have to wait for the next one?

I can't answer that yet, but before the month is through, I will. Sokay by you? I promise to answer it in a bit. Honest injun.

JJ

I know what your mama said, JJ.

Same thing all Southern mothers say...

'You kids get outta that rabbit cage! Them ain't raisins you bin eatin'!'

LOL! Now you have me laughing out loud! What a hoot! LOL!

JJ

Oh noooo! Look at what I've been missing! JawJaw, congrats to you and all of that good wonderful stuff that you deserve for being the 'haha' kinda funny.

Ok,# 1) what MADE you sit there and write this book despite your busy schedule?

2.How do you get rid of AADD?

3. How would the folks in 'a story' decipher who they are 'if' several were always refered to as 'b-witches'? (my stepmother and my daughter-in-law would surely be confused by this assigned name, granted I get rid of AADD and ever sit down and actually write a book...hehehe kackle)

Welllllll, let's see. I don't know what AADD is, so I don't know how to get rid of it. Anybody?

I put this book together because a publisher approached me and said, "hey, nice writing, wanna do a book?" Now that's the short version, but basically what happened.

And the third question, ah...er...well, I suppose if the broom fit, then they would know. eh?

JJ

BY THE WAY KIDDOs...I've received several answers to the Trivia question and I'm going to tell you all that the answers you're sending in (so far everybody's sent the same answer) is wrong. Think again. I told ya I wasn't gonna make it easy!

JJ

Hmmmmmm.......
Mom wouldn't happen to be the one that taught you how to wash the boys undies with the red socks, would she?

Ah...pink. It was pink stuff...but no ma'am. I thought of that trick all by myself. Aren't you proud of me? And I also invented the one where you stand outside the door when they're in the shower and beat on the door...then when they holler out from the shower "what???!!!!" you mumble...Drives um crazy! hahahah..

Still NO RIGHT answer to the trivia question! Keep searching women...if you can find DEEWAYNE in a swamp of crocks, surely you can find the answer to this little old question, eh?

JJ

Okay. Pink stuff, but if you are ever in a pinch...Red socks work just as well!

So noted. One thing about it, whenever he hears me fire up the washing machine now, he comes a running. teehee...I like having that kind of power over someone...what? Hey...he started it.

JJ

JJ, I go for my "MOM!!!a gram" today. Any suggestions. (whimper)
chick

Yeah, stay home. Okay..okay. If you HAVE to go, here's a couple of tips.

If you sit down by a MALE in the waiting room, don't try and strike up a conversation by saying, "so...whatcha here for?"

And two, if they bring you someone named Belinda and she's blonde...run.

JJ

You forgot a generator. Shouldn't Chick have her own self-powered generator packed away somewhere in that huge tote bag? Just in case?

I've been slamming 'em with the refrigerator door all night getting 'em ready. I wish Bubba was here.

JJ, are you going "on the road" soon to promote your book? When, where and how?

chick

[ July 07, 2005, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

chick, let us know your results.

Jawjaw, I'd love to know who are your favorite three authors? Are they all humor writers?

Dear JawJaw

I love your 'ALL THINGS ROYAL' newsletter. It's fun and takes a great spin at life's pecadillos!

What a wonderful talent to bring humour to people helping them to see that there are more important things in life than human foibles!

With love
Leigha

Girls, I do the funny stuff, k? <Queen giggling to herself...slamming the frig door! What a hoot she says as she walks away>

Oh wait...question bout writers.

Hands down one of my favorite writers is Anne Lamont. She is honest, a bit brutal, but what a writer! She tells it like it is. She is a great teacher of writing, for any genre. Another one of my fav's is the now departed, Lewis Grizzard. Some of his humor would be lost on some sections of the country however, so you might say "its a Southern thang." You all know I adore, and always will, my Erma. Now those are my favorite "BIG TIME" authors who have left a mark on the world. (Two non-humorous would be Mary Higgins Clark and Ann Rule)

There are tons of NEW and exciting authors that I love to read and so many of them are members of this very forum. So, while I do enjoy reading the words of the famous ones, you better keep an eye on the ones offered here. I see talent, talent, and more talent. I know you agree.

JJ

P.S. Thank you Ms Leigha. ALL THINGS ROYAL has turned into one of the best things I've ever done. It's short, so that in itself is a blessing, but its a great way to practice my skills.

I love writing them, and every dang week something happens allowing me to have a subject on hand. Do you believe my life? If you haven't read the archived ones, you can soon. I'm having them put on the web page.

DOTSIE, our very own leader, is solely responsible for me doing the ALL THINGS ROYAL. It was HER suggestion and I said, "oh phooey, who would want to read a short little diddy every week from me?"

Did she ever get to say "I told ya so!" on this one!

All - if you haven't signed up, you can do so on my homepage under the "contact me" link. Love to have you join us! Its 200+ subscribers and growing. I can't remember having so much fun. Well, except that one time i---wait, I can't tell that in public. Sorry.

JJ

I was just wondering, could we sign up some of our writer friends as well kind of like a "heads up" for them. I know they would love the newsletter as I do...

Oh Ms C I wish you could, but the SPAM laws are really strict on newsletter SENDERS and I have to have proof the person I'm sendng the newsletter to actually requested it, otherwise, they can report me as a spammer and you wouldn't believe the trouble I would be in then...Tuff new laws, but I truly applaud the efforts to stop spammers.

But hey, feel free to forward a copy of your ALL THINGS ROYAL to your friends and tell them to hop on over to my web page and sign up. I would love to have them. Any friend of yours...

JJ

Just a reminder that there is only one more day to send in your guess for the Trivia question!

JJ

I've read "bird by birb" and "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lamott. Loved them both. She is the most honest writer I've read. Has anyone read her latest book? Here's the Amazon.com review:

Amazon.com
Few people can write about faith, parenting, and relationships as can the talented, irreverent Anne Lamott. With characteristic black humor, ("Everyone has been having a hard time with life this year; not with all of it, just the waking hours") she updates us on the ongoing mayhem of her life since Traveling Mercies, and continues to unfold her spiritual journey.
Plan B finds Lamott wrestling with mid-life hormones and weight gain while parenting Sam, now a teenager with his own set of raging hormones. Her observations cover everything from starting a Sunday school to grief over the death of her beloved dog, Sadie; lamenting the war to bitterness over her relationship with her now-departed mother.

As she tugs and pokes out the knots in a slender gold chain necklace, it becomes a metaphor for letting go and learning to forgive. "…any willingness to let go inevitably comes from pain; and the desire to change changes you, and jiggles the spirit, gets to it somehow, to the deepest, hardest, most ruined parts." It’s her willingness to show us the knotted-up, "ruined parts" of her life that make this collection of sometimes uneven essays so compelling.

"Everything feels crazy," writes Lamott, adding, "But on small patches of earth all over, I can see just as much messy mercy and grace as ever…." Lamott’s essays will serve as reminders to readers of the patches of messy mercy and grace in a chaotic world.--Cindy Crosby

I've got to get it. So many books, so little time. I wish we had a lending library in here.

Queenie, I always read about writers who are avid reader. Thier advice is always to read, read, read. Are you an avid reader? If so, what other humor writers have you read other than Erma and Lewis?

Mom was a huge Erma fan. It's hard for me to think about Erma without thinking about Mom. She always related to her writing.

Wouldn't it be cool if our queen could take her place? Keep getting those columns girl and you're on your way.

Have you researched getting a syndicated column? If not, that should be your next project.

I like writing for magazines. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe because its once a month? But I have written a tiny bit for newspapers. The editors for those seem to be a bit more critical of humor, and 9 out of 10 are MALES and they don't want anything written on menopause, hair-do's and don'ts, and some even squash dieting articles. Go figure. They want political satire...yawn. Anyway, I'm thinking more about books and more mag articles.

I truly don't think anyone can take Erma's place. However, I would dearly love to crave out a niche of my own.

Believe it or not, I read very little other humorists work, other than an occasional article or so. I don't want my work influenced too much, so I stick to writing off the cuff and it also helps me NOT TO COMPARE.

I read a ton of writing books however, and I LOVE reading inspirational books. Self-help, etc. Things by people like Normal Vincent Peale, Wallace D. Wattles, Barbara Sher, just to name a few. I have over 500 books. I do sell some on occasion on Amazon. That's a pretty good biz if anyone is interested and its easy to do!

p.s. Can I say I've found a new speaker/humorist named Suzie Humphreys and I think she is going to be great! Can't wait to hear one of her CD's.

JJ

Well, we still don't know how you got so funny JJ.

I have written a couple of plays that caused people to laugh like crazy, but I never know how it happened and could never repeat it. It was just a mood.

I once wrote a college thesis on writing commedy and researched like crazy and still came out with "You gotta' be in the mood."

Seems to me you are always in the mood.

So how do you always manage to get there.
smile

Divine guidance. No joke. God gave you good looks and wisdom. He gave me a sense of humor.

JJ

Good looks and wisdom?? Now that's funny.
smile

Dear JawJaw

All that southern humour is most welcome...I thoroughly enjoy it.

The greatness of a writer is a life lived well...with as much humour, pathos, beauty, angst, friendship and love all expressed with soul and humour and love and JawJaw you are indeed in a calibre of great light!

Even though I'm from Canada I can fully appreciate all you great southern writers. If it weren't for the south we wouldn't have such a diversity of literature in this hemisphere.

I was in the south over 20 years ago, travelling through Virginia, the Carolinas and Georgia. The scents and the moss on the trees and those big huge colonial houses....so much character and beauty. I was only around eighteen at the time and it sure was an adventure...seeing a culture so different from my own and so beautiful.

In appreciation for you lovely, saucy southern humour...what a lovely gift to be able to share the beauty that is you!

With love
Leigha

Wow...what a nice message to wake up too. I doubt my crown will fit today as my starving ego has been fed. There is nothing more satisfying to a writer than to know their work has been well received. I promise you that it is more rewarding than money. I'm sure you know this too.

My humble heart wants to thank your thoughts. You've inspired me to reach new heights today.

I also want to thank you for appreciating my beloved South. Every place in this great country of ours has it own type of beauty... I know because I've been fortunate enough to see bits and pieces, although not enough of it! I want more. Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to also visit Canada and see first hand all of the beautiful places I've only seen via pictures and web sights. I would love to do so. I have a gypsy spirit. Mamma use to say I always had my "going britches" on. Still do!

Thanks again for being so supportive of my work. You've been elevated to my expensive Christmas gift list. No, you don't get squat, but hey, you're on the list! whoohooo!

JJ

Wow, I've missed everything! JJ, congratulations on your new book girl! I'm hopping over to your website to see where to buy it. You go girl!

Dorothy

Chick, glad you asked. Yes I am as a matter of fact. I have some local "stuff" NOW, and then in August, I'm heading to South Alabama (almost to Florida line) for a book signing in a town called Fairhope. Beautiful town! Small, quaint, and every one in the town takes a hand in making it so. Isn't that unusual? The bookstore is where Rick Bragg and Fannie Flagg do their book signings in Alabama.

Then, a couple of days later in the same area but another town called Josephine, I'm speaking to around 80 women on "Southern Women, You Gotta Luv Um!" and of course I'll be selling books there as well. Or should I say trying to! ha!

Then I hope to have a signing in a town called Gadsden (AL) in Sept., Book Em in Oct, and a book festival in Mississippi in Oct as well. Back to back almost. So, once I leave work (July 22 last day) then I'm free to travel and promote, and hopefully SELL! ha! Baby needs a new pair of shoes. Well, actually, baby needs a new bra, shoes are good to go.

If you or anyone else you know has a group you'd like me to speak to (sorry, paying gigs only), or do a book signing just let me know. I love doing it, and I've gotten use to eating every day. I call myself a professional talker. Course, you ALL know I don't like too talk that much. Uh huh. Sure nuff.

JJ

p.s. Dorothy, my thanks to you. My mamma thanks you, my bank thanks you...I thank you, Trixie thanks you...my almost new bra thanks you...

What? too much?

JJ

Well Queen today was my day to go to the Nursing Home and visit and fuss with their hair and make them feel imporant and I had a brilliant idea. I took your book along, well the more I read aloud to them the more and harder they laughed and the larger the crowd became. Ended up with nearly all the staff there and the Director who asked where she could get a copy. I read as far as Realtively Speaking with a promise of more next week...I had to promise over and over to come back next week and be sure to bring the book...Your book was a resounding hit. Just thought you might like to know....

This has to be one of the greatest messages ever posted on this site. How beautiful. Chatty, you are such a special person with so much love in your heart. I hope God just blesses your socks off. And to hear that our JJ's written word brought so much joy to so many...it just doesn't get any better than this.

Chatty,
Your goodness never ends. You are simply amazing.

You've also given me an idea. I need to give back to the world but I get so wrap up in my own needs that I forget sometimes. So I think I'll be visiting the local nursing home myself. What a great idea! Thank you for being YOU.

JJ

Look at the bright side...with all those Depends already in place, it's a no-brainer to read JJ's book to them!

Way to go, Chatty! Using your noggin gal...I like that, I really do...

JJ- thank you for autographing your book for me; I'm really enjoying it. I read a page or three just prior to bedtime and then go to sleep with a smile on my face...thanks!

Sandra thats the truth, Depends, never even thought of that. Now I have to say that a couple of these gals are so fiesty and cute I wouldn't be surprised if they wear thongs. As Mrs Minnie Poolett (age 87) has said many times, "I may be old but I ain't dead yet youngin." I just love these people...

My heart overflows with love for all you beautiful women. You all bring a smile to my face! Blessings sprinkled all around the forums. Now don't forget to recognize them when they come your way...

Isn't JJ's book a special book and Chatty a special person?
smile

Yuhooo...I'll be off-line most of the day practicing a speech I'm giving in South Alabama soon. That is if the town doesn't get blown away! Poor dears!

I wanted to say that EVIE is the winner of the trivia contest for last week. The answer to the question what does my Mother ALWAYS (note the word ALWAYS was the key)say to me is "BE NICE."

Congrats Evie! I have your address and will be sending your prize to your this week.

Also, watch for the next trivia question! I'll not say what day, but soon! Very soon!

JJ

Safe travel for you JJ, when you go to S. Alabama. Good luck with your speech. Those people are so lucky to get to hear you in person.

oh cool - I'm a weiner, er I mean winner!

Chatty what a neat idea to read JJ's book at the nursing home - there's no generation gap in the Queen's humour, everybody laughs!

Although I'll admit I'm going to need therapy for the image of geriatric men wearing Depend thongs - thanks chatty. Say, do they have a "thing-thong" at the nursing home?

Dear JawJaw

Thank you kindly for your lovely words and I look forward to reading your entertaining and delightful words each Monday.

With love
Leigha

Oh Evie now what a thought? Maybe I should ask the nurses, ha, ha??? A "thingy thong" might be a good invention, oops someone just told me they have them already and they're called Jock straps. Foiled again, LOL

Granny in thongs? What a site! On second thought, there are some things I do not need to see to believe!

Cheers,
Cathi

There was this woman who worked as a secretary for Dave's "company" and one time she told us, in detailed detail -if there *is* such a thing- about her thong underwear.

TMI = too much information! Why does *anyone* think anyone else could POSSIBLY be interested in what kind of underwear they might wear?

YUCK.

Oh good Lord Thistle... don't get me on my soapbox again. But apparently there are tons of kids who think we are interested in seeing what kind of underwear they are sportin'

Haven't you seen them with the pants pulled down and the underwear pulled UP so that's its showing? Hello? They look like Helen Keller dressed um... now that's a YUCK.

JJ

JJ,
I don't think I've had a single conversation with my 15 year old lately that didn't include the words...Pull your pants up!
Congrats Evie!
Chatty you are more than special, those people are lucky to have you nearby! And what a good idea to read da Queen's book to them.

edited to add: I was just thinking about the pink stuff...I bet if all his undies were pink he would keep his pants up. Hmmmm, I wonder....

[ July 11, 2005, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: TVC15 ]

I just finished reading about the pink undies.

Jawjaw, you are a hoot, girlfriend!

Perhaps your book could bring World Peace, I'm serious!

Cheers,
Cathi

World Peace? Are you kidding me? I'll just be tickled if the sales keeps me in Oreo's! hahaha...

JJ

Has everyone seen JJ's interview in the NAWW newsletter? Great stuff!

Yes I did, and if you will pardon me. I kept thinking to myself, "I know her, I know her". Now picture me doing this, making a semi-fist on my right hand, blowing the top of the fingers and rubbing it against my left shoulder.

Okay time to go and emulate the Queen and have an Oreo!

Cheers,
Cathi

I just read the article. Loved it, but there is one thing that has me really worried. It says JJ is an ANALYST. Hmmm. I think I know what kind, but if she's the shrink type analyst, we are in TROUBLE!!
smile

Honey, if I was a shrink, I would be working on my waistline...get it? shrink? waistline? hahahah...mahahah...I kill me! I should be writing humor! LOL! Hey, wait a minute..I do. Hm...

I'm a budget analyst. My friends call me the Lee Iococca of checkbooks because I can spend all my money and still convince the bank there's plenty of money left over for the bills. Teehee...its an art.

JJ

JJ, can you analyze my checkbook and find out why it runs out of money before I run out of checks ??!! The bank should know better than me right? They wouldn't give me more checks than I have money for, right? I mean, they're the bank, right?

Darn tootin! Hmm...from the sound of things, I believe there must be a conspiracy going on here. Uh huh. Sure is. Your bank's in on it too. I can see only one way out of it. Send me all your money for safe keeping.

What?

JJ

What's this about NAWW? How did I miss that?

And there's a fabulous movie star photo too.
smile

Question for Trixie........
Tell us what JJ is really like. Is she as funny in person as she is in print? Will you be writing a tell-all any time soon?

Well for the love of Mike, its about time! I thought you people were NEVER gonna ask da Trixster here one blessed thing!

Ahem...of course TVC having the presence of mind that she does, (you go girl), she asked.

Now...what's da Queen really like? Will she read this? Ahhh..well, er..., oh what the hay. She short, pudgy, and sometimes she even forgets to take that war paint off her face at night. The next morning when she gets up, ahahah...I'm tellin' ya, she could be the Bride of Frankenstein...well, that is if she could get a date! hahahah...whhaaaaa...teeh..ahem..ahemmm. But that's another story. Hey, this is fun!

Did I tell ya about the time she was sooooo lazy that she thought if she gave me, ME!, of all people, a can of chili, (instead of getting off the computer and going to the store for proper FOOD), that I would be good to go till the next day? hahahah...WHAT A MORON!

Hey, can you say, "there she blowssssss?" And can you say it again? and again? an---well, you get the idea.

Bet she doesn't try that one again. I mean, yell-O, get the Chili with no beans for Pete's sake...she's soooo blonde sometimes. This woman has the IQ of a snap bean. hahahah..whwowollolol...hahah...I love it.

So, what else you wanna know? Oh and for the record, she can barely write her name. I, da Trixster wrote all that stuff. Yep, sure did.

da Trixster

[ July 13, 2005, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: jawjaw ]

Trixie, are you going to follow da Queen, on her state/states/ world tour? Someone has to look out for her and we know no one can do it quite like you.

chick (and Buddy, who thinks he should go with you)

Follow? Follow? Ahem...I shall be leading her royal self. Follow...puleaseeee....teehee.

da Trixster

Bark! Ba---oh sorry. Sometimes I forget you don't speak Trixeneese... I'll use human words.

Maybe da Queen's done lost her mind or somepen, don't know, but she's letting me do the next Trivia question...so without further doo doo...no wait, that's not right..hm. Okay, I got it now, without further ADO, here's the question:

Question #2: What did Trixie (that's me) called THE SON's room, and why?

Good luck to all you humans and non-humans.

da Trixster

I know this one, if anyone wants to bribe me for the answer (hey, its worth a try!)

Oh boy...Evie, pick up your mop and bucket over there and head to the dungeon...these rookie princesses neveeeeer learn...tsk...tsk...tsk!

JJ

Na na na na na na....ha ha Evie.

Chick...wipe that smirk off your face, pick up that shovel and head out to...yes, to the moat for you missy...we don't stick out our tongues at sistahs and go "nana nana." Capish?

<Queen shaking head...she can be heard saying "what AM I gonna do with these girls?">

JJ

JJ, can you imagine that Evie is offering to accept bribes for the answer? I'm shocked.

Now JJ, I have an extremely large amount of extra OREO's just lying around my house. I would be very happy to send some your way if you would be so kind as to let me in on the answer. This is not a bribe, just one friend helping out another. Okay? (be sure to send the answer in a PM so no one else gets it)

you all are pathetic...ah..say you have a bunch? is that like a big bag? half a bag? could you be more specific?

What? Oh peeshaw...I wouldn't actually TAKE the bribe...nu uh. Wouldn't. Pinkie swear.

JJ

"Thar goes me yudder lag"

Oh no, not bags...We're talking cases here! In every flavor and double stuffed too!

flavors? they have flavors? Hey, if you kids get the chance, and want to see me at a young tender age, eating my Oreo's in a dignified manner, go to:
http://www.kendradew.com/girls01.html

and look at the top picture on the left.

JJ

LOL, Very dignafied indeed! Cute!
And yes, flavors......Mint, peanut butter.....

Isn't that how everyone eats Oreos?

And to think that I settled for peanut-butter and marshmallow sandwiches! I didn't even know Oreo's existed until, well, about five years ago?

That's such a lovely picture of you JJ...very becoming. Is that also you running through the sprinkler?

Chick, I'm really concerned...you really don't have a leg left to stand on now! We'll have to start rolling you across the floor...like an oreo cookie...oops, sorry to giggle at your expense...hard to keep it in when that image is floating through my head...

Oh my Lord! Just reading this made me crave for Oreos. My husband called and told me that he was stopping by Krogers after work and ask me if I wanted anything. I said Oreos!

Perfect timing huh?

Cathi

Okay enough of this Oreo talk. It's making me HUNGRY.

All right JJ, back to the book. I read in the very first part about how you got caught in a lie and got a whipping.
Now I want to know... Did you learn anything at all? Obviously not. I saw a whole bunch of plain old lies in your book. In fact I think it's plum full of lies.

So I say you just fess up. All that funny stuff couldn't possibly happen to one girl.

So as the esteemed liar... I mean author that you are, would you advise all writers to LIE? I mean if it makes a better story, I'm prettu sure God would overlook it. You think?
smile

Smiles...<Queen smiles sweetly> Why I would rather walk on my lips than tell a lie. Honest injun.

I got so many whuppins, that sometimes I would tell Daddy, "oh crap, don't bother to get up, I'll get the belt and whip myself."

Now...as far as advising other writers to lie? NOWAY! However, if they feel the need to sprinkle a little fairy dust on things, then hey, who am I to say don't go there?

JJ

I think it was stepping on your lips so much that made your mouth large enough in that photo to fit all those cookies inside. Now you and Smile and I all know that if you sprinkle any more fairy dust around, it could create a land slide....lol

LOL! I love it Chatty! You and Smiles have my number, don't cha?

BUT! In my defense, I have to tell ya, all those "stories" are true...and all that "stuff" happened. I will say that I changed names because my family threatened me with bodily harm. Even now when I call them and they answer I say, "hey sister!" and which ever one it is says, "are you taping this?" Not even a hello, nutin!

Go figure.

JJ

I have a question for all of you disciplined writers.

Do you use a timer when you are writing? If not, how do you schedule your writing time?

I personally use a timer but put it in the next room where it doesn't drive me crazy while the minutes are ticking away. When the bell goes off, you have to peel me off the ceiling because I really get into the writing thing. I don't see or hear anything around me.

For me, it's not the amount of time it takes me to write, but the amount of writing that I do.

I write a specific number of words every day. Sometimes it takes me all day, sometimes I'm done in an hour or so. Depends on the inspiration.

I find myself pulled in so manhy directions that at times my "take time for me first" doesn't happen an even when it does my mind is still thinking of many other things. BUT every now and then an idea will pop into my head and I just start writing... the problem with me is I can get two or three at the same time. Like right now I am working on two stories at once....

Page 165 in your book: The Queen of Compulsion.

Can I go with you to her home next time?

What did she have to say when she read yoru book? Did she recognize herself?

Working fulltime, I do my writing at night and on the weekends. Most of it on the weekends. I don't have a set pattern. It's whenever an idea hits me. If I'm working on a newspaper story, then I'm more disciplined because I have a deadline. Sometimes I write while I'm away on vacation. When I'm into a story, I get very into it and have a hard time dragging myself away from it to do anything else.
Louisa

I'm like Louisa, If I'm involved with something that's all I want to do is write it. I think the timer is a good idea though and I may try using one. Some days fly past me without my doing some of the important things that I need to do because I was writing too much.

JJ, I'm interested in the Queen of compulsion also!

Here's a tip I learned from a book last week.

Write first!
Answer email last!
Never get wrapped up in the email distraction until your work is where you want it to be for the day.

Now if I can only live by that.

I write best to deadline. Without one, I will edit my way to the grave. Everything is usually better after an edit, but without a deadline I edit things to death.

I'm working on it.
smile

smile, I agree. If I am not working with a deadline from someone else, I give myself a deadline. I just did that yesterday with some work I've been trying to get written. Funny, I will live by the deadline I give myself. I need to give them sooner so I don't drag things out and edit to death.

I know some people write and submit all in one day. I can't do that. I have to see it on different days, read it out loud, cut and paste, delete, blah, blah, blah!

I can't tell you how many times I have rewritten something because the editting I did before seemed embarassing to me.

Would this system possibly work? Let's say to limit yourself only 3-5 times of editting in a span of a few days or weeks.

I am just coming up with figures but you get the picture.

JJ, how many times did you edit your material?

Cheers,
Cathi

Yuhoooo..

Let's see. The Queen of Compulsion. She is a sweetheart. She just laughed her good-natured laugh and said, "oh you silly woman...that's not me." Uh huh...sure. Denial ain't just a river in Eygpt...

As far as editing. I have two people that I lean on heavily for editing lots of things (much to their dismay). The mags I write for also have editors/proof-readers, so I know everyone will have to have a hand in the finished version...I've been fortunate enough that I'm allowed LAST shot at it, with all three editors.

But, back to the original question, I've found that if I will write it, then leave it, I can come back to it the next time (time permitting) and find boocoo's of stuff. If I try and edit right after I write it, forget it. I know exactly what its going to say, so I look overlook the obvious.

So, write it, leave it at LEAST one day, then come back. Two days if you can spare it. Something else I do...I ask a trusted friend simply, "is this funny?" If this person says NO, I curl up in a fetal position and cry softly...and if time permits once they have torn out the very heart of mine that beats and lives to write humor, I put a pox on um...

If they say yes, chances are others will think so too. Then its down to commas...I need comma therapy. I put, them every, where they don't, need to be, honest, I do. So, did I ever answer the question? What the heck WAS the question?

JJ

[ July 19, 2005, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: jawjaw ]

My editor called me the queen of misplaced commas. Drove her crazy. At least I was queen of something.

I heard ya Ms D. In school when the teachers would start talking about commas and dangling parts... or whatever they were...My eyes would glaze over and my brain would leave for parts unknown...

JJ

Gosh, if I had heard it that way...dangling parts...I might have paid more attention .

My brain was always leaving for Africa to help the orphans. Never did make it there.

JJ, a comma in exactly the right place can completely change the sentence...I'm thoroughly enjoying your commas.

[ July 19, 2005, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Why thank you Eagle...you are too kind!

Ladies, I want to mention that the trivia contest is still ongoing and won't close until Friday. So, just to refresh you memories, this week's contest question is:

Question #2: What did Trixie (that's me) called THE SON's room, and why?

Now I won't say whether or not we have a winner, but I will say that the entries so far have ALL had the right answer! You go girls...you really ARE reading this book! whahooo...

JJ

Eagle, I also like the way the queen punctuates her humor. It makes all the difference in the world. I recently read an article that I liked because it shied away from formal punctuation and shared that it's okay to break the rules. I guess I like breaking rules. I never could do so in Catholic school without getting red marks all over the paper. When I break grammar or punctuation rules now I say "nannynannybooboo". So there!

Oh peehsaw...no go on with all of ya...

Ahem...I mean it. Go on. Hello? Starving ego hereeeee....anybody?

whew...tuff room.

JJ

who loves jawjaw?!
i do!

Okay girls, don't encourage her. JJ is OUT of CONTROL!

She's wearing that crown speeding around the neighborhood on that souped up riding lawnmower her old boyfriend dumped here and I'm having to hold on for dear life. She's causing a terrible ruckus. She's throwing kisses and autographing books and strutting around like Miss America. I'm tellin' ya' this woman is OUT of CONTROL!

And with the temperature in the nineties I'm one HOT DOG!

For Pete's sake, somebody SAVE ME!!

TRIXIE

awww trixie, some sunscreen and a strategically installed seatbelt and you'll be good to go...

ms jawjaw, does that mower work or is it just for show? i ask because there's an old (and i do mean oh-ho-old) german woman up the way from me that rides her mower to the cafe everyday dressed in a lot of silver and deep purples...she mows their lawn in exchange for cappuccinos...i kid not...she's really really old...

i'm just thinking there's an interesting financial opportunity in the making, since you're already out and about...i wouldn't recommend the silver and purple though -- it's really hard on the eyes...

[ July 20, 2005, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: msdiana ]

I'm tellin' ya' a seatbelt won't do it. JJ's thinks she's a hell's angel. She's flying around the neighborhood like a wild woman. She's got the computer hooked to the steering wheel with the boomer site on screen.

Never stops at the signs. Just computes her way everywhere. And purple and silver are only the beginning. Why she thinks PINK compliments her wild red hair is beyond me.

And mowing lawns? Not gonna' happen. Don't even mention it. She'll want me to pull her around the lawn and fan her or something. I mean this woman doesn't even vacumn.

And sunscreen won't help. I need an industrial strenght Air Conditioner. I am one HOT DOG!

LOL, well, vacuuming is evil, you have to give her that...

You are absolutely right about the vacumn. That thing gives me the heebie jeebies anyway.

And with all the huffing and puffing JJ does just running that darned computer, there's no telling what might happen if she picked up a vacumn cleaner.

She blames me for all the hair and dust everywhere, but that's only to fool company. I see a lot of red the hair on the couch myself and "I" ain't no redhead.
TRIXIE

i was thinking about designing a high rise computer desk that would accomodate a stationary bike -- the front wheel would go under the keyboard...that way i could pedal the net instead of surfing it...
my can-build-anything-fix-anything husband said there's no way that would work cos an office chair won't fit where the seat goes -- i would need my cushy-ness for sure...
still, seems like it would work, i just gotta find the right guy to do it

[ July 20, 2005, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: msdiana ]

WHAT THA HA----

I leave for one measley hour...ONE! You women...tsk..tsk. Now let's back up that John Deere for just a sec here, shall we?

1) The ignorant and departed boyfriend took said lawnmower when I departed him. Good ridance. I swear I did NOT let the air out of those tires, NOR was I the one who took out that little thingy that makes it run. I swear it.

2) Trixie IS a redhead and she DOES shed. She also speaks with a forked tongue and lays around on the couch all day. She wouldn't know manual labor if it bit her in the butt, k? She's a lying dog. In more ways than one.

3) There could be some truth to the vacuum thing. So sue me.

4) I'm pretty in Pink. Nananana boo boo

5) So, these people pay her to cut the grass? hmm...know how much? what? Hey, a girl's gotta live...

Now settle down you two...geeish.

JJ

man trixie, you didn't say ms jj had another side to her that was so -- SHHHH!!! here she comes...

(look away, look away!)
lalalala...do be do be do...lala...


-diana, proud owner of a never-before-used upright vacuum cleaner and bulk buyer of hand-vacs, cos if it can't be swept up with a dirt devil, it doesn't belong in your house...

I just want to be able to afford all that stuff...

JJ

Soon, JJ soon...think Book tour.
chick

Hey, what's this "affording that" stuff? I was thinking of asking for a loan. And by the way, I contacted all of your long lost relatives and they need loans too.

I mean you ARE the rich and famous humorist and author aren't you? I thought all you had to do was write a book, do not pass go, collect a million dollars, and become a millionaire.

WHAT is wrong with this picture?
smile

[ July 21, 2005, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

SMILE, WHAT is wrong with this picture?
You forgot to mention ME and my best new friend Trixie(aka da trixter)!
JJ is gonna make a million on her book, it is on it's way to becoming a best seller, mark my words.(I am serious here!)

Now JJ, get out there and hustle.(just kidding here).

Now git!

chick

JJ and Smile, don't know whos bright idea peddling the exercycle and typing on a laptop at the same times was but it CAN'T BE DONE!! and yes I am shouting at myself for being so silly. Dropped the laptop and broke the cover as I fell on my behind off of the bike....I guess its get skinny or write but definitely not both together...Oh and Smile, Trixie told me JJ has a lumpy mattress stuffed with green and I doubt he meant mold, LOL

[ July 21, 2005, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Alright you girls...

It just doesn't pay to stay away from the forums. Here it is 7 in the evening and I'm still at work. I pop in here to see what's up and BAM! The girls are at it again.

You know...there's plenty of castle that needs cleaning...and Evie could use the help. Anybody afraid of alligators?

Capish?

JJ

oh sure - now she's trying to find me some help...little miss rich and famous riding around with her laptop and adoring fans....yada, yada, yada...you think she could afford Crocodile Dundee or somebody to look after those dang alligators!

I'm no crocodile dundee but I've dealt with a croc or too in my time...

look folks, we have a volunteer!!! Julie, step right up to the moat gal, and have a go at her (no, no Julie, I meant the crocs, not the Queen)...

s'ok, I know my way to the Dungeon, I'll just start heading there now...hmmm, let me see, might as well stop by the Royal Library and grab something to read since I might be in there awhile....let's see, there's "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Throne", and right beside it, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Throne"...and, well would you look at that - the entire bookshelf is full of "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Throne"!!!!...guess I'll have to take that one.

Evie and Julie, The next thing we'll be reading is "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Dungeon"

OUCH! NO FAIR!

chick

[ July 22, 2005, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

BTW, Chatty, are you okay? Nasty fall there. I've had a difficult time getting that image out of my brain...trying VERY hard not to giggle (at least until I find out that you're okay...hey I'm a compassionate caring woman, okay, but still only human).

Go ahead and laugh, I did, I was the one on the floor and eyes teary from the pain of the fall, "heck no," from the stupidity of the fall and my large self sprawled out on the floor. It was hilarious, I'm still chuckling. Too bad someone wasn't making a video I could have won the prize I'm sure on that Funniest Video show on TV. Julie where on earth did or do you come in contact with crocs, how?

Didn't you know we have them breeding in the storm water pipes throughout our country? We all have to have a basic knowledge of croc defence. You never know what will emerge from the drainpipe...seriously...

Okay, I'm not visiting Australia. That is just too spooky for words.

I have a great picture of an alligator I took in FL. A zoom lens is a wonderful thing.
Louisa

I can see it now...Da Queen being in the shower and looking down at the royal drain and a baby croc comes jumping out...OMG! Talk about a Mexican hat dance! I'd remodel that bathroom trying to get out of there!

I'll have nightmares for a week now. What? What do you mean its not that kind of drain? Oh. I knew that. I did! I swear it.

*************ANNOUNCEMENT************

The winner of the second trivia contest was our very own Cathi or Optimumsteps

YUHOOO! You go Cathi! You get a beautiful T-shirt from Boomer Women Speak. Congrats! Make sure you give Dotsie your mailing address, k?

Oh and the answer to the Question, "What did Trixie called THE SON's room, and why?"

The pit. Because that's what it resembles, a dark, bottomless pit.

The next contest prize will be a $25.00/gift certificate to shop with Meredith! I ain't lying. So be watching for the next one coming soon to a forum near you!

JJ

Forgive me, where ae my manners? (Evie, leave it alone...)

I forgot to give Meredith's web site address for any of you newer members!

http://www.meredithbead.com/
and her other site
http://members.tripod.com/meredithbead-ivil/

JJ

JJ, just caught up on all the posts. I'm sorry to have been missing the good time in here. I've read your book and think it's better than Erma Bombeck! My husband thought it was a hoot too.

I miss you all.

OMG! I won? Wahooo, I won! I won!

I would like to thank my mom and dad. My husband....Ooops, this is not the Oscars? Oh well, who needs that anyway! I'd rather win from Da Queen!

Sorry, got carried away!!!

Thanks and Cheers,
Cathi

Okay JJ, I think the story in your book about the orange throw rug HEXED me.

Yesterday I ran out of detergent in the midst of washing everything I ever owned. I was wearing no makeup. And since I never dress up for laundry anyway, I had on some ugly, wrinkled, FATTENING, Bright yellow shorts and a matching tee shirt that I retrieved from a pile on its way to the trashcan.
Because I go to Walmart all the time looking half way decent and never see anybody I know, I figured I could rush in for detergent without being recognized.

In case I got hungry before getting to the detergent aisle, I ran through the bakery to grab a muffin. Thank heaven I recognized my Miss Model, Glamourpuss neighbor before she saw me---I hope. She looked terrific. She has a New hairdo and she's a size 4 (FOUR) MAX! Maybe size TWO.

Risking starvation, I rushed right past the muffins pretending I didn't see her. That woman was probably just lurking there waiting for some unsuspecting fat, wrinkled, yellow slug like me to come along. I bet she never ate a muffin in her whole life.

I somehow escaped under the radar down the detergent aisle praying she hadn't recognized me. And if it ever came up, I could swear it was my older fatter sister or something. (Okay, I don't have an older fatter sister, but that's just a minor detail)

Well, I got the detergent and ran by the fridge for a case of beer. (Hey, I was on the verge of starvation and had to have some kind of nutrition) Anyway, still barely under the radar, I made my way to the check out stand. Only one person ahead of me and the glamourpuss neighbor nowhere in sight. I was just about home free.

I plopped the case of beer and on the counter and was unloading the detergent when I heard someone protesting, "Oh no, that's not mine. Oh no, that's not MY Beer."
Seems the checkout girl was trying to check my beer out to someone else. And when the woman ahead of me turned around to point out the real beer guzzler--fat wrinkled yellow me--I recognized her immediately. It was this really great Christian lady from my Church (Baptist). She always dresses in these barely there colors and looks kind of faded, but she's real nice and very Baptist. I tried to sort of shrink up, but of course she recognized me. Every fat, wrinkled, Bright yellow inch of me.
Being a really good person, she didn't tell me I was I looked like crap or was going to hell for drinking beer. In fact, she was real nice and very friendly.
So while I tried to shrink and the church lady tried not to go into the alcoholic's prayer, the checkout girl from hell asked asked me TWICE-REAL LOUD for my DATE OF BIRTH. She couldn't hear so I practically had to shout it. TWICE!

So in one Walmart trip I wound up dodging my glamourous neighbor, being nailed by the Baptists for buying beer, and shouting my birthdate to the whole Walmart.

Talk about a crappy shopping experience.
smile

[ July 24, 2005, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Sherri, we ALWAYS miss you when you're gone away from da boards hon...welcome back!

Cathi, you go girl! Congrats again.

SMILES---I have read this twice because it was soooo funny and worth it! I'm convinced now that you and I were separated at birth.

Here's my "experience" for the day.

I went to Lowe's this morning and I knew I would see NO ONE. Why? I wore makeup. You NEVER see a soul if you're dressed for it. But go to the corner market without your "face" on and honey, everyone you know within a 60 mile radius will be in that store...staring at you. And giggling.

While at Lowe's, I asked a worker there if they carried file cabinets. He was throwing a ball up in the air and catching it. He stared at me a minute like I had three heads and then I saw the light go on as he grasped what I had asked him. It was like a delayed understanding. He said, "ahhh...I don't thinkkkkk so."

Okay, is it me or does that not leave the possibility that they MIGHT?

We stood staring at each other like the "Shoot out at OK Corral." Finally, I knew one of us was going to expire before he said anything else so I said, "ah...well, wannaaaaaa check?"

He looked at me for a sec then shear panic washed over his face. It was like, "oh crap...nobody has ever asked me to check. What do I do?" He looked around, saw another man and ran over to him and asked him. The man said (and I am not making this up) "I don't thinkkkkk so."

The young man seemed really proud of that answer and turned to me and said, "nope, sure don't."

Where do they get these people? And yes, they DO carry them.

JJ

I've run across that problem several times. It ain't funny! I don't know where they pick up these clowns!

those kinds of people answer phones, too...
i called the department of motor vehicles in the state we'd just left to arrange for the transfer of the truck we'd left behind before moving to germany....it was a simple transaction as i was giving the truck to a friend, not selling it...i just wanted to know what paperwork i should mail to the dmv as i was too far away to come in the office...the lady asked why i couldn't come in to the office and i told her "i'm in germany"...
i swear to holy heaven she said "oh, i don't speak german" and put me on hold...it was a good thing i was on hold because i had no idea how to respond to what she'd said...the supervisor came on the line and we worked it out but i did suggest that she smack her clerk on the back of the head -- not to hurt her, just to move her along...

Ms Diana, it would have been interesting if she had given you time to say, "well, what about English? Do you speak English?" She would probably say she had to check with her supervisor and see...gees louise! These people vote AND breed!

JJ

On my recent trek to the DMV to renew my licence, I noticed that the first clerk I dealt with had three different possible answers, and 3 only, to any question we might ask, and she probably said these same 3 lines 1,000 times a day.

The DMV does not get "the best and brightest", but frankly, I don't think the best and brightest would want this job.

It's bad enough to talk to computers but then, you finally get a human and they don't know anything either. This is the age of service?

JJ, I look forward to my Monday morning all things royal. It starts the week off with a lighter tone. I really appreciate you and your humor and when is your next book coming out and do you think you'll ever run out of material? I think you get some good stuff here!

Thank you Lady Di...I enjoy sooo much writing it too. I've started on book 2, and I'm proud to announce it will be a narrative style book. Chapter 1, "Getting Laid Off" is complete. Chapter 2, "Getting Past Vacation" is almost done. Run out of material? No way. Course, you don't know my family, do you? And the fact that I've raised two boys, AND I worked with engineers for 25 years, AND I'm single, AND I was married, And I was married...talk about fodder.

Life is my material. If I run out, then it means I'VE run out. eeek!

JJ

That's my Monday morning highlight too. I love your newsletter!

Great questions Dianne, and fantastic answers! I just read my All Things Royal. Boy can I relate. One night the kids were all out so Ross and I thought we'd watch a movie on the big screen TV in the basement. There were three remotes: one ofr the TV, one for the DVD, and one for cable. We never did figure out how to get the dang movie we wanted. So much for that idea. WE are lost without the kids.

Georgia, tell your mom I"m so impressed that soemone from her generation kows how to do that. I gotta tell ya, the grandparents around here don't know how to do that stuff!

Ohhh no you don't. I ain't tellin' her that. She holds it over me as it is...nu uh. No way! Like I'm gonna give her ammunition? ha! Fat chance.

She is, in my opinion, one of the nicest, and smartest women I know. She is kind, beautiful, and spends every spare minute she has helping other people who can't help themselves. I lovingly call her Saint Bettye.

She's a tuff act to follow, let me tell ya.

But if I had the opportunity to be born again AND to choose any parents in the world, I'd choose mine.

JJ

How lucky you are.

Speaking of television, my grandkids and their parents just left and my tv upstairs is so messed up I can't get it to work. I should call my son's cell phone and tell him to bring back the six year old to fix it. He's better at that stuff than me.

Before I married Dan I called my grandson all the time to help me put things together.

When he was only four, he simply could not understand why I was so dense. He would say, "G'ma, just read the 'Structions.' and I would try, but I could never figure it out. He would have to come up and show me what the instructions meant.

Yep, like all grandkids, he's a genius.
smile

JJ when I read the newsletter this morning I was sure you were talking about me. Dumb as a rock when it comes to "tham dern fangled comtrapshones." LOL

I thought I'd post this here. It is in regards to promoting a book. I read in on MSN women.

If you want to hit the road: Launch a driving book tour for one of your books by having the book's cover painted on a van along with the toll-free ordering number. Giving out folded paper crowns (in JJ's case)as bookmarks(all info included on them) might be good for business too.

Could work for some books obviously not all. I guess dressing the part is an option. Just a thought.

chick

I can definitely see it working! JJ driving down the streets of America, dressed in royal gown and tiara, her bright pink van sparkling with invitation and intrigue...I'd even tag along just to help give out those folded paper crown bookmarks.

That could be quite the adventure of a lifetime. Let me know when we're ready to go...

We could make it a Boomer Sister Caravan. Drive across the country (maybe even parts of Canada too?) and end up in New York City at the CBS parking lot on October 3rd.

You know...you women have some fab ideas! I love it. Pink Van...Pink women, giving out crowns, selling books, viewing America from a FUN perspective! Writing a book on the adventure...Yahooo...I'm in. I'll even bring the Oreo's...oh peeshaw...don't thank me, I do what I can...

So...who's buying the Van?

JJ

I've been reading some of your book as I get a chance. It's wonderful!!!! I love it!

ahhh now thank you Donna J...I do love getting feedback! Especially the good kind, ha!

JJ

Yuhoooo----who's ready the next trivia question? hmmm? Okay, remember now the winner gets a 25.00 gift certificate for Meredith's jewlery!

Now...here's the question:

Okay, am I going blind? Or is there no question on that post??

JJ, have you flipped out or is that a trick. I shoulda' known it was a trick. I mean nobody gives away Meredith jewelry.

What do we think you are? Funny in the head or soemthing. Or is that funny on paper??

How did she do it? Invisible ink? Are you a techie wizard now, JJ? I thought it was just me. Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't have the right thing-a-ma-jig to wave over the screen and make the invisible ink disappear and become visible. Er, something like that.

JJ's finally CRACKED!

smile

Where are you JJ? I bet you're four wheeling around on your pink cycle with Trixie. Get on in here and defend yourself.

Oh queenie, we're waiting on the question. I think she's on vacation.

Cathi, your tee shirt will be in the mail today. Congrats!

My wand doesn't seem to be working either. Maybe we need some of those 3-D glasses to see the question.
Hey... I know...
Yo Trixie. What's the question?

Yuhoooooooo...

Ahem, now that I have your attention (teehee) here the question. Ready? Mahahah... Okay, I know you're ready. Sorry bout that. I ran out of Oreo's and had to run to the store and get stock up. Forgive...here tis:


When tha Queen here was taking drugs for a bad cold, and she showed up at her friend Liz's house, what two gifts did she bestow upon her long time friend?

JJ

Meredith is at attention. Meredith says: You will not get any jewelry unless you come up with the correct answer.

HA!

The Meeting From Hell! What did you ladies think of that one? Can you believe she had the nerve to write it? I thought it was absolutely hysterical. And, another great ending, I might add.

Georgia, do you spend lots of time figuring out ogot some whopper endings. Just when you think you can't laugh any harder, you pack a wallop ending that often brings tears of laughter.

You know...I actually made moves to have that story removed from the book because it was SO true, and I actually DID write it while sitting in a meeting. I was afraid others in the same meeting would recognize "things." ha! Then I found out it was too late...already gone to press.

So for anyone who worked with me, this story was absolute fabrication on my part, k? Would I lie?

As for story endings, the stories pretty much write themselves. When I start one, I just write till it ends. Thennnnn...I go back and take out the bazillion commas I've added.

JJ

Okay ladies, heads up. Since the 1st ends my stay here as the Featured Writer of the Month, and since I got behind on my trivia STUFF, I'm going ahead TODAY and post the last question. The winner of THIS question will receive a box of Mello Melts...yummy and they must share them with me...what? Okay, okay, tuff room. There yours to keep, you mefirster...

FINAL TRIVIA QUESTION IS:

What name did I give to Dan's friends?


Sorry for cramming these two questions back to back, but I want to make sure that you ALL get a chance to win before I leave. I love you guys...sniff...sniff...****Group hug!!!!***

JJ

Today and tomorrow kiddos...I've gotten some answers to BOTH questions already. The first one the answers were all correct, I'm just waiting on someone to hit the number I chose, so keep entering! The second one, nope, wrong answers!

...keep those guesses coming!

JJ

Georgia, did anyone you worked with mention this?

YOu have a gift if you don't have to torment over your endings. You go girl!

The only thing anyone has said about the "Meeting from Hell" is how funny it was/is. They haven't asked me WHO the specific people are, or the meeting. Whew...

JJ

Well ladies, it is with a heavy heart that I give up this coveted space today of Featured Author. Being a natural born ham, I love being in the limelight. I can't help it, its what I do.

HOW-SOME-EVER (as we say here in the South), I'm leaving with parting gifts. And THAT makes me happy.

The winner of Trivia Question #3 with a prize of a 25.00 gift certificate from Meredith's jewelry is Chickadee. The Question was:

When tha Queen here was taking drugs for a bad cold, and she showed up at her friend Liz's house, what two gifts did she bestow upon her long time friend?

The correct answer was: "A hospital "donut" ring and a water jug"---you go chickadee!


Now for Question #4,

"What name did I give to Dan's friends?"

The winner of the box of Mello Melts is Sherri Smith (Sherri, I need your home address) with her correct answer of

Dumb and Dumber from the story "Who Needs Martha Stewart."

Wuhooo...go Sherri...go Sherri! <Queen circling arms and bouncing>

Ladies, it has been my distinct pleasure to be able to share this month with you all as the Featured Author. What a blast! You've been kind, attentive, and full of well wishes. Even Trixie was moved by your kudos. Now if I could just get her to MOVE off the couch.

I'm bowing (no offense Trixie) out now, and welcome our next guest. But before I go, may I leave you with some wisdom that my friend Erma gave?

I'm trying very hard to live by these words, and have adopted them as my battle cry. I hope you will to.

Much love to you all, JJ


When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say: "I used everything you gave me." --Erma Bombeck

[ August 01, 2005, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: jawjaw ]

We're going to miss you Queenie!
Love the quote by Erma!

We loved having you here!

rah rah for jawjaw!
i had a great time reading through all the posts and your site and look forward to monday mornings!

Enjoyed every minute, JJ. I had many out loud laughs and fun times all month long. You will be missed as featured author.
Thank you for the opportunity to win jewelry from our own Meredith too!
chick

Thank you for being Favorite Author JJ. We'll miss you as FA. But of course, we're still stuck with you... I mean, 'Blessed' by you... as our Favorite ""Queen.""
We love ya' Queenie.
smile

[ August 02, 2005, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

JJ

I totally enjoyed your book!!

So when's the next one?

Diane