Self-Doubt/Self Marketing

Hello ladies. I need your professional option/advise.

Here's the situation:

I'm a young boomer, full of will and ambition. It seems as though the two would be enough to figure my own problem out, right? No. I'm stuck and getting very sad, depressed and scared as my short days go by in search of the professional me.

Many of my 40 years had been dedicated to healing from a traumatic childhood past. I never eally went full throttle with the education or experience because I was in the throes of self-destructive thought patterns; 'the depression is going to come back anyway', avoiding 'situations' that could trigger flashbacks, comfort within the confines of home knowing that no one could harm me...' Just ill.

I'm ready now though. Throughout those healing years, I worked on and off, kept in contact with the professional world of folk that I know. I have lots of experience in some fairly impressionable lines of work. The problem is that I don't have enough time in either field to say that I've honed one skill or another.

Last evening I accepted an invitation to a networking function. I had lots of self-doubt and unworthy types of feelings as I dressed to attend. I managed those feelings and attended.

Once there, the person that invited me (ceo/president) introduced me to several people that he believed I should connect with. Great, right? I couldn't have gotten a higher recommendation, other than from God himself. That made me feel so much better.

Well, during the event of networking, I was approached by many. Most of which introduced themselves by stating what company they were affiliated with or owned and then it was my turn to introduce me and what I have to offer to this experience.

My self-doubt and esteem dropped a few more notches because most of the 'concepts'or profitable financial endeavors those folk introduced, I had just a bit of experience in but nothing to call my own, nothing that I was successful at, nothing really worthy of sharing due to my lack of time spent in either of the fields.

I found myself sad and angry that I'd spent so much time healing and not much making a financial contribution to my future. As we've discussed in other forum here, PTSD, depression and other mental illnesses are real, I do know this. But what do you do after the healing is over and it's time to pay the piper.

My self-worth felt like zero even though, like I stated, I had one of the highest recommendations there as a 'visionaire' or 'great person to connect with'. I felt like I was letting this high recommendation go to waste. Of course the ceo/president that spoke so highly of me doesn't know the troubles I've seen. Niether of those gracious titles yielded me enough power to confidently state that I'm worthy of going into business with.

I met the CEO of this company at the university he attends for his second master's degree. I've never told him that I don't have even one master's degree. I think he's just assumed this because of the work I do at the university. Not to clear of why he thinks so highly of me.

I'm too old to start trying to think about getting into a field for 20+ years then retiring. This is what saddens me most. If I hadn't had to spend so much time 'healing' I would have at least working for a company under my belt. Now I'm stuck with the healed me, sort of a 'jack of all trades' and no honed skills, with a fresh degree.

Panic time!?!

[ February 02, 2005, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

From my own personal experience and childhood abuse, I know that we doubt ourselves too quickly and too severely.

So, you don't have a Masters or whatever...What do you do? Concentrate on that. Work toward success in that arena.

I know exactly how you feel as my family didn't believe in higher education and if I'd gone and paid my own way, they would have never encouraged me anyway. So, I don't have that.

Okay, when I decided to write my story, which became a book, those who had looked at me with speculation of being an uneducated idiot, suddenly saw me differently...except those who were suddenly jealous.

Those highly educated people asked what I did and I very casually replied, "Author." Well, they surrounded me and all told me how they always wanted to write a book and how did I do it, what is it about, how did I find a publisher, etc.

Coming from abuse, I know what it can do to you for years. So, I would suggest this to you. Take what you know you do well and work on it like your life depended on it. Make it a success (you know you can do it) and then, stand back, girl. God gave you a talent and you need to use that talent and He will open the doors. Trust me on this. I know.

Education only goes so far. My husband was in his second year at ASU when a company offered him a fantastic job with good money and he quit school. He's done much better than the people WHO WORK FOR HIM who have big degrees. It's about God given talent and determination. That's all you need. I know you can do this.

P.S. I became an author before I was a writer. Think God had a hand in that?

Dear Sugaree, and Dianne, Sugar, I could have written your post myself when I was 40. I'm 50 now, and when I was 46 I did go back to school and I got a degree in social work. College in mid life was a totally enriching and enlightening experience. But you know what evolved? My book! For that I needed the education of life experience. It seems my purpose is not in being a social worker, but in bringing awareness to social problems, such as childhood abuse and domestic violence. Did I need a degree for that? No, but the experience of college fulfilled a need. You see, PTSD kept me from concentrating when I was younger, although at the time I did not know it was PTSD. How I doubted my ability to keep my head above water long enough to complete anything! So, I understand. I'm curious to know what you are doing for work. Evidently, you have made some contribution that impresses others. Apparently they recognize your qualities, even if you don't just yet. I too am scared of my financial future because I haven't "worked" since 1995, when my true healing began. But I know my God given "work" is within my book and the presentations surrounding it. Sometimes I am wistful about wanting a Ph.D. But I must accept what it is within my heart to do, and not be swayed by my ego head, and not compare myself to others. Dianne, I was a writer before I was an author. Teachers would tell me that I was a writer, and to write what I knew about. Start with your summer vacation, they would say. If only they knew what I knew about my summer vacation. Lo and behold, I did write about what I know. I know abuse, but I also know hope and healing, and so do you two! Love and Light, Lynn

I am Cherokee and in my family, no one finished high school and I didn't even know what college was. But education somehow became an important part of my life.
I finished high school two years early and got married at 17. I worked as a nurse aide and thought it would be my life career. But when the hospital offered a scholarshp I became an R.N. I was so proud of that license and assumed nursing would be my life work.
Then I had a car accident and couldn't work as a nurse so I got another scholarship and went back to college. Before I finished I married and moved away. Then I divorced and came back to my home state. I developed cancer, but finished a degree in business adm. before allowing the surgery. While recovering, I started a business and remarried. I finished a graduate degree at 47 and was accepted to a doctoral program. I still attend classes some and may still finish it.

I sometimes wonder if I am adopted. No one else in my family went to college. I think I did it because I kept getting jobs for which I was not truly qualified and I kept thinking if I could become educated I would no longer be an imposter.

I still love education. I like the classes and learning. But I also respect those who choose not to pursue education if they are happy with that choice.
However, if not having a degree bothers you, go to the college and enroll. Talk to the financial aids person to see if there is a scholarship for you. If so apply. If not, mortgage something, get a loan, sell your car. Move into a smaller place. Do what you have to do to achieve your dream. Even if you don't know what you want to study, just go. Enroll in the basics knowing that your interests will evolve. Then just go. Go to every class. Sit there and soak up all you can. Enjoy the process. It's work, but it's an investment in yourself and in your stature. But only if you finish.
If education does not matter to you, do whatever you want without it and be proud of what you achieved. But if you value education and are going to feel, as I did, like an imposter around your peeers who have an education, do whatever you have to do to get yourself through college.

Whether you ever use the degree in a job or not, it is worthwhile. For me, it was a foot in the door of the middle class. It gave me the quiet confidence of knowing I could do it too.
Pray for wisdom and then just DO it.
smile

[ February 03, 2005, 12:44 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Smile, I do have a degree and I believe that Lynn and Dianne have one too. That is not my problem. Mine is quite opposite of yours. I am from a family of folk that have at least a bachelor's but most a master's, two or three, Ph.D's.

My issue is quite different. You see, my familiar background is extremely education oriented, maternal and paternal. Now, what my issue is, as stated in my post, is that I was abused, had to cope/deal/heal with that for many years and now I'm 40 with minimal time on the job/experience.

I worked my way through school and paved a way for many others. 'I' am 'my' issue, right now. I'm very happy and even proud that you rose from that situation and still rose further to better yourself. I'm happy that you didn't experience that 'one' barrier that would deem you incapiable/insufficient/inadequate of fulfilling your dreams and asperations in life.

What I asked is an opionion, not a judgement, on how to jump-start a life at the ripe age of 40.

Do you have any suggestions for that?

[ February 03, 2005, 12:58 AM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

Sugaree, I was responding to your next to last paragraph about the CEO with two graduate degrees. It appeared that a graduate degree might help you feel better and I was encouraging you to go for it no matter what your age.
smile

[ February 03, 2005, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Sugar, from my brain through your fingers. Jack of all trades, master of none. Interested in everything but not ONE thing enough to abandon all the others. The one recurring theme I hear from all the women here is passion. Oh, my. The one thing that we don't have. It's not that we don't have it at all--just that abuse has kicked us to the curb so many times that passion was a dangerous thing for us to have. Any time we displayed it, it was stomped on, denigrated, dismissed, or taken away. We hid our passion deep inside to try to save what little we had left. When we could finally feel safe enough to use it, we (I) either couldn't find it, or realized the flame was not a flame any longer, but only smoldering coals. In this forum, the breath of boomer women put oxygen to those coals, and slowly, slowly, the embers start to glow again. I still can't decide which one thing to pick. So I plan to do it ALL! I'm going to take big, fat juicy bites out of everything I can sink my teeth into and when something tastes so good I just can't spit it out -- then I will know that I have found the one true thing I have been looking for.

Sugaree: I'm sure others have self doubted themselves at one time or another. I have too. And I didn't finish my education.

At times when doubt plagues me, I need to remember what I am good at: And I have developed skills in different areas too, but have no expertise on any. I understand God gave each of us talents. I strive to use what he's given me to my fullest potential.

And I know that he has a purpose for my life. I just don't try to compare myself with others or their expectations. I depend on God to reach the potential he's instilled in me while using it for his glory and honor, meanwhile, inspiring others in a closer relationship with him.

I've worked outside the home on a limited basis. So my corporate world experience is also limited. But I strive each day to do the best I can with any task I'm assigned. And I've seen God at work. And each time, I got great letters of reccomendations and an offer to come back any time. I praise the Lord for that!

I'm sure you'll find something you are good at and continue to develop those skills, until you have something you can call "your own contribution". Don't get discouraged. Never give up!

[ February 03, 2005, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Songbird ]

Sug...some of the most celebrated (EDUCATION-WISE) people I know couldn't get in out of the rain if their life depended on it. Having a piece of paper doesn't make you better or more worthy of success than anyone else.

You have TONS of talent, TONS of heart, and unless you let that one little thing get in your way, you'll also have TONS of motivation to go get what you want. Now...go for it. You, along with everyone else in this world deserve the gifts God has layed out there for us. There yours too hon...go claim them.

Hugs, JJ

Sug, have you read Prill Boyle's book yet? She's our featured author for a few more days. I recommend reading it NOW. The stories will encourage you and that's what you need. Your fear will be replaced with courage, strength, and faith in YOU! You will see what women did at midlife to change their future courses in life and how they are soaring to new heights that nestle with their passion.

I'm a firm believer in surrounding yourself with encouraging and loving people, activities, studies, forums , whatever it takes to lift you up and make you aware of the gifts the good Lord has given you. Focus on that, pray for guidance, and I promise you you'll get answers. Be still and listen. Take the time to go inward and you'll be amazed by the messages of love the Lord is giving you.

I know it's hard. I was there three years ago while trudging through the aftermath of Mom's death and facing a soon-to-be empty nest. I'm praying for ya girlfriend.

You know something Ladies, you're right again! Dotsie, I didn't know that Prill's book covered such intricate ideals. I shall give it a try.

I guess yesterday when I posted the self-doubt/marketing my confidence in me was pretty low because I had compared myself to the folk at that function. I know. Shame on me!

This morning I awakened with a better attitude and started contacting some of those contacts vs. feeling inadequate against them. Then I contacted SCORE for even more brainstorming options for self-starters.

Unique, you're right. I've had my passion snuffed out maybe one too many times and need the oxygen that rekindles that flame. Hunger/HS Senior fees/paycheck-2-paycheck should have been enough, right? Nah, sometimes we get too comfy in our reclusiveness and settle for mediocricy when our minds aren't functioning right. Guess that's yet another tenacle of depression or something??? However, I'm excited today and filled with that passion to go and get it, JJ!

Now, I'll have to make up my mind on which to do and stick to it. Having a little experience in many areas kinda makes me feel like I have some type of ADD or something cause it's so hard to make up my mind and STICK TO IT.

Well, that's where the Lord steps in and guides me. I have not asked Him cause it just feels like I'm whining when I look at other folk's real problems; Tsunami victims, Third World hunger issues...etc. I think I'll move along to the Faith Forum for a bit of restoration in faith before I take yet another step.

JJ sure has a way of adding that confidence: "TONS OF TALENT" for example. SMILE!

Thanks Ladies!

Oh Dotsie, you are right. Prill's book sounds wonderful and like a must read. Somehow or another, I kept skipping over that particular topic because I thought the title, 'Defying Gravity,' pertained to our 'female body parts defying gravity (LOL). Not that I don't have those issues, Hehehe, but that just seemed like a subject I didn't want to discuss. Boy of boy was I wrong!

I went to her site and sure enough, there are several women featured with my same issues that have success stories etched in them. Great! I'd love my story posted like that one day, soon too.

Good stuff there, Prill! Congrats 2 you!

Sugar...Do you get the NAWW newsletter? If not, let me know because it has some things in there you should read as well. I think they may help. I'll be glad to forward my copy to you if you want to read it.

JJ

yes, i get that JJ. I will look at it a bit harder. Thanks!

Oh cool then. Check out what Kelly James-Enger
writes about...I think you might find some of it useful.

Hugs, JJ

Hi, What is NAWW? I wonder how I would explain myself if I went to get a job-job. After all, I haven't "worked" in ten years. I left property management 10 years ago, and I left the stress. I had to "make nice" with people who were screaming in my face about rent increases, etc. Anyway, when I quit, when I could let down my guard, repressed memories surfaced so that finally I could begin a healing journey from my past. There was no way I could deal with the issues of abuse during therapy AND have a job. I was grateful that I had that time to heal. Then I had the opportunity to go back to school. I wanted a degree in psychology, sociology, or social work, and social work was available. I walked into a scholorship and sold a car to afford the education. While there I had some administrative jobs, but no big deal. It was all I could do to stick with it and finish. Just as I was about to finish, with only the internship to complete, I was diagnosed with cancer. I asked if I could wait 6 months for surgery, and the doctor said I would be waiting to die because it was a fast growing cancer. So I stopped the education to deal with cancer for 2 years. I blamed myself, and told myself, see, Lynn, you found a way not to finish something! (When I started back to college my mother even said, "Is this yet another thing you are going to start and not finish.") It took everything to finish. And I forced myself to finish my book. My point, Sugar, is not in judgment but in understanding. I had a plastic surgeon who know me well, and when I was released, I said, jokingly, "It's so hard for me to focus. I wonder if I am a candidate for the adult ADD drug." And she said, "You think??" as in, "well, duh I knew that about you all along." I compared myself to her, 8 years younger than I and a plastic surgeon, poet, artist. So, I have a similar question: how do I explain myself when I get a job? I tried to get a job at B&N over Christmas, and a manager said, "But you are an author" and although I tried to push him by saying I like books & people, he was, like, go home and write a book lady. So, another point is that I often look for things to distract me from my God given work, which is posted in my signature. Still, how do I explain myself? Men do not have the same absences from career that women do because they are not usually the caretakers of the children or in our cases, the parents. Love and Light, Lynn

Oh, I wasn't trying to make this thread about me. My questions are rhetorical. I was just sharing my experience to support Sug. Healing is the most important thing in life and the hardest work one will ever do. Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn,
Yours is the type of encouragement people need. Not judgemental, and not falsely reassuring, or sweetly pitying, but living breathing proof that obstacles can be overcome.
I am very impressed with your accomplishments especially in the face of all you had to endure. A person whose value is in education is never too old or too poor to acquire a degree or diploma or certificate. A person who finds value elsewhere is never too old or too poor to go for that either. The point is, if you truly want something, you can be paralyzed by the past or you can forward toward what you want even if it is only one inch a day.
smile

[ February 04, 2005, 01:51 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

JJ, that article was right on target! I sure had opened this week's newsletter and skipped right over it. Kelley has some great points. I wonder what more she has to say in her book re: specializing.

Lynn, National Association of Women Writers (NAWW) is a great org with tons of resources, especially if you don't overlook them as I did this one JJ mentioned on Kelley James-Enger. The site: http://www.naww.org/

Thanks again, Lynn for sharing that encouraging story and I'm happy that you won the battle of cancer and are here with us to post a happy ending-new beginning to such a long life journey. !!Whew, long sentence alert! I understood the rhetoric in the comments.

You know something, Smile? That may be my issue right there in a nutshell. I want immediate gratification since I believe the healing process is in check. I think I'm moving too slow or let my experience at that event make me feel 'slow' or some other negative term 'low-esteemed' folk label themselves with. One inch a day is better than none at all, huh? Yeah.

Lynn329, everything you accomplished is awesome, especially considering what you had to go through to get there. You don't have to "explain" yourself. Just state whatever facts you feel like stating and never apologize.

Hi you kind women, this phrase crossed my mind yesterday: "I no longer escape my past, I now embrace it." Have you heard that before? Somehow it sounds cliche to me, although it also sounds original. Anyway, that's how I feel because I did everything I could to escape it. Maybe Sugar feels like I did sometimes, what with all the educated people in my family. When I went back to college I was taking a lot of courses at once. If anyone questioned my course load, I would say, "I am making up for lost time." So, yes, sugar, one inch a day is better than the paralysis that smile mentioned. Each of you had to overcome obstacles to be who you are today. And I am proud to be in your midst! Love and Light, Lynn

Dear Friends, still in regards to Sugar's post about self-doubt: 10 years ago I moved from California to Kansas. An acquaintance recommended that I join the "New Neighbors Club" which goes a step further than the "Welcome Wagon." NNC offers get togethers for any kind of hobby. So, I joined, and went to a luncheon. At the luncheon, every woman would ask, "So what do you do? What does your husband do?" Here's an example of how those conversations DIED on the spot. I would say, "My husband is the opening GM for 'eat a lot' restaurant." She (whomever) would respons, "Oh, my husband is the President (or CEO) of the National Bank and Trust of the USA and the World." Geez, did I ever feel small. Then, in answer to what I did, I'd say I was an artist. "Oh," she-whom-ever would say, " I was in Tahiti just last week and I saw the most gorgeous watercolor show of the Global Artist of the Year..." blah blah blah. I went home feeling just like Sugar explained, full of self-doubt. I felt worthless when comparing myself to them. I had to regain my worth by comparing myself to myself only, and asking, what does God want me to do (higher power). One of my personal life lessons: don't compare. Maybe not all NNC were like that (superficial and uppity) but I didn't have the energy at that time to be myself amongst them, so I dropped out. No big loss to me or them! Love and Light, Lynn

Seems like a lot of women's events turn out to be a contest for the title of 'best husband', 'best kids', 'best career' or whatever. Very often I am way out of my league, but I usually really enjoy them.

I can "almost" always handle things by simply sitting out the race. Unless I'm having a really rotten day, I try to tell those lead the contest how much I admire them (and I really do admire them) then I leave feeling good about myself for making someone feel good which is easy to do because I know for sure that I am the all time grand champion of the 'Best Me I can Be' contest. That's the only competition that counts anyway.
smile

[ February 04, 2005, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Sug, another book for you to read. I wish you lived closer so we could share. You must check out Lynn329's book, Beyond The Tears. It's listed on the Boomer Books page on this site. I'm almost finished and I've got to tell ya, it's awesome.

I have never been physically, sexually, or verbally abused so when I've listened to women who have I just didn't get it. Lynn's book has allowed me to GET IT. It's brutally honest with lots of therapeutic words thrown in. I've learned a tremendous amount that will allow me to be a much more compassionate person when listening to victims of abuse.

I mention this because you mention healing. I don't know exactly from what you need to heal, but I think anyone who reads this book would be inspired. I know I am.

Really great input and comments here.

Lynn, you certainly can attest to what I felt. Smile, my confidence level fluctuates. Sometimes I feel like you, but most of the time it's like I described here, especially lately since I'm older w/no real accoplishments that generate income. I'm extremely proud that I've overcome, for the most part I believe, the childhood trauma, at least to the point that I function w/o 'all' of the effects it had on me.

Of course those PTSD symptoms come and go, but not so that I'm baracaded inside trying to avoid any sort of confrontation that may trigger some ill-memory. Anyhow, that sort of healing leaves the scars that are present now. Trying to pick up the pieces or patch together some type of semblance of being an intelligent self-sufficient adult. Bottom line talking here, the $$ that makes the home go 'round.'

Lynn's title alone sounds like something I would and need to read. Anyone that's been down the abuse lane could appreciate understanding what to do next. Picking up the pieces aftward is what causes these types of inadequate feelings, at least for me. I believe that if it had not been for 'healing' I would be much further into a more practical life. But, I'm not a mind reader so of course that's all speculation...smile.

We all have our days though. Some people have reported that they feel 'inadequate' (for lack of a better term) around lil' ole me. However flattering that is, I often wonder why.

Dotsie, I'm glad that you learned something from Lynn's book, especially compassion. Most of us aren't looking for sympathy, just some compassion. When it all boils down, it really doesn't matter because we are the ones that have to contend with those inner-conflicts, but it sure does help not to be judged when we already have been so condemned by society.

JJ, if you're around, I stayed up until 5a.m. working on what I gathered from Kelly James-Engen's article in NAWW! Whew, I had a blast too. Of course I paid for it later on today but it was well worth it. If you're interested, I can share my findings off loop.

Sug, have you been to Sher's site? I know you're trying to make a little more cash. Maybe there's something there for you.

www.momandhermoney.com Maybe something you can do from the comforts of your own home.

quote:

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Originally posted by Sugaree:
Oh Dotsie, you are right. Prill's book sounds wonderful and like a must read. Somehow or another, I kept skipping over that particular topic because I thought the title, 'Defying Gravity,' pertained to our 'female body parts defying gravity (LOL). Not that I don't have those issues, Hehehe, but that just seemed like a subject I didn't want to discuss. Boy of boy was I wrong!

I went to her site and sure enough, there are several women featured with my same issues that have success stories etched in them. Great! I'd love my story posted like that one day, soon too.

Good stuff there, Prill! Congrats 2 you!

---

Hi Sugaree!

I don't want to disrupt the conversation here, but I didn't realize you gals were talking about me last week. Just want to thank you, Dotsie, for recommending Defying Gravity to Sugaree, and thanks, Sugaree, for your congrats. I think the book will inspire you, provide some realistic role models, and in the context of the stories, give you some hints about how to deal with some of the issues you're facing.

P.S. I understand your confusion about my title. My pubilsher was worried about the same thing. (I wish my knees would defy gravity! They're sagging more and more each day! ) But it's the emotional gravity of aging I'm encouraging us boomers to defy, not the physical one.