Dating "Rules" these days?

OK, I officially feel like I'm living in the dark ages. Am I the only one who doesn't think that "dating" means "sleeping with someone?"

I'm not talking about long term relationships. I hear many of my single friends talk, and it seems like even a first date "dinner and a movie" implies a roll in the hay these days.

The reason I'm asking this is, I met a man this past weekend at a seminar. We had dinner, and he made it plain how he'd like the night to end. But when I said no, he made an immediate turn around, apologized, and was a complete gentleman the rest of the evening. When I saw him the next day he was very nice, asked for my number/email at the end of the event, and again apologized for the night before. I told him no need to apologize, that just wasn't what I was looking for.

Time will tell if I hear from him again but I've gotta admit I hope I do.

Thoughts?

Whirlwind

I hope that you hear from him again, too, Whirlwind. Sounds like he took your no quite well.

Men do think differently and I guess when you are "out of town" (were you?) and a hotel is involved (was it?) men think sex is just going to happen. I don't like that, but it is the way some men think. By saying no, you might have eased his mind, too.

If you do hear from him, he sounds like he might be worth getting to know. Keep us informed.

oh oh, I think I know the answer.

I've done a TON of reading on the subject of dating (trying to become a professional in my field)..and what they say is this....

That guys WILL try to have sex with you immediately.

1. If you do you are setting yourself up to be nothing more then a fling. No chance of a real relationship if this is how you start out.

2. If you don't then the guy will see that you value yourself, and if he isn't a slimeball, he will pursue you in a relationship.

so, unfortunately this is a type of a test. Guys want SEX, but they really want a woman worth pursing!

my two cents,
danita

I think a lot of men these days are confused because so many women will jump into the sack on the first date. I wish women understood that to do that, they give away a small piece of their soul in the process.

Thanks for the replies. I DO feel a bit better after reading your thoughts.

Keep your fingers crossed for me on this one. This is the first person I've met in a LONG time that I'd actually like to hear from again.

Thanks all!

Whirlwind

Think of it this way. Which situation would you value most?

1) You go into a store and buy whatever dress you want, never looking at the price tag. Whenever you wear it, do you think about the value?

2) You have $75.00 that you've earned over a long period of time, you buy a dress that cost $70.00 plus tax. When you wear it, do you think about the value of the dress? Does the purchase mean more to you?

I pick door #2 Monty....This may not be a good example but says the same things the girls did. Anything that holds value to you, such as your self esteem, your self worth, your morals, that you've learned AND earned to posses over your lifetime should never be taken lightly or toss aside for a ... ah...toss.

I admire you for sticking to your own set of rules, Whirlwind!

Being single now for sometime and before that 14 years, I have met my share of men and living in Las vegas, or Sin City as it is commonly known, has made it very difficult.

PROBLEM #1: The men visiting our fair city seem to think all women here are brothel whores.
PROBLEM #2: The ones living here know there are some really fast/desperate women here doing anything to keep from being alone.
PROBLEM #3: Rules have changed to, "there are no rules." You need to take dating seriously, its dangerous out there ladies. I believe wholeheartedly the same way JJ believes. Being disrespected by someone that may become a lifes partner, because you were easy, will come back to bite you in the butt in the future. Sex on a first date even a fifth date is the same as a tramp; go easy and hold your morals high.

Are YOU worth waiting for, or not?

Good luck whirlwind, hope he passes the test and thinks YOU are worth the wait.

Whirlwind, I hope he does call you if he has honorable intentions. If not, then you're better off b/c he may have, or is, attempted the same w/ other women. I simply want you to protect your heart!

Since you live in a large city, might there be any Christian singles groups in your local area?

I agree with you all. And no worries MustangGal, since I'm not actively "looking" there isn't any danger of a broken heart. This was dinner with a hope of more contact, nothing else.

We are strong. We can (and DO) take care of ourselves.

Anno, he was here from out of town, but I live here. And yes, the event was in a hotel.

Jawjaw, you are wise as always. Chatty, you have good points too, as do the rest of you.

It just amazes me sometimes that men don't seem to worry about what "we" think about "them." If a man tries that on a first date, there's nothing special about it. How many other women have gone on a first date and said "yes?" Is there any specialness to it, or is it just something to do?

I have another close male friend who has always said "sex is just sex. It can be recreational, or it can be more." I hate the thought of that, but sometimes think he must be right in his representation of the male gender. When I think that he's right, I'm glad to be single. LOL.

Again, thanks for the thoughts, I do appreciate it.

Whirlwind

I wouldn't waste my time on a background check unless he shows up a couple more times. Could be a waste of energy for nothing.

My husband ran a background check on me when we first started getting serious. I guess I passed!

I believe men who want a relationship with a woman do not expect or would be interested in a woman who has sex on the first, second, third, 4th, etc. date. The problem is, many men I've met do not want a relationship, or seem to.

When you get too physical in a young relationship, you stop getting to know each other and it becomes all about sex. Many people stay together, but the relationship is built on quick-sand rather than rock.

Besides that... a quality conversation is as good as, if not better than, sex and you can learn a whole lot more about a partner(-to-be). The more confabs you have, the more you learn about another person. Talk and Listen. They may try to bluff you at the start, but eventually, what's in the heart comes out of the mouth. Test what they say; watch to see if their actions measure up to what they've told you.

Seems to me that the older guys are still trying to prove something. I'd LOVE to meet one that didn't put sex so high up on the list.

And this may be a dumb question, but how do you go about doing a background check without having to pay?

Whirlwind

Remember the good ole days when most people were/seemed decent and honorable?

I dated a couple of men who were truly honorable in my 16 years of being single. One was too young and the other had some emotional stuff to deal with and I wasn't willing....maybe not able because I wasn't ready myself.

Do any of you regret letting a good one go?

I bought a really good book a few years ago titled "What Men Want" written by three professional men.(Doctor, Lawyer and Accountant) They were very honest and upfront in this book. They decided to write the book based on listening to dating woes from their sisters and female friends. The same old question came up over and over again "Why don't men call" They answer this in the book and there are some interesting reasons.
About the sleeping together part. They say they will try to sleep with a women who they are attracted to because they want sex. But, even though they want sex and will have it on the first date, they do say that they will feel differently about a woman who has sex with them on a first date. No matter how attractive they are, if they sleep with them on a first date, they won't call them again. They may sleep with them again if they run into them, but will never look at them as marriage or serious dating material. They admit that there is a double standard. Lot's of good info here although they are in their 30's and talk about dating from the perspective of finding someone they eventually want to marry. I'm past that stage but found some good info here as they take the gloves off and tell it like it is. They also have a website. Try googling "What Men Want" (hopefully it's still active)
Kate

katebcca - I just saw this older post of yours, about the book, "What Men Want", and you mentioned the website. I did just go to look and there's a ton of info there. So thanks for that!

I haven't really dated since my divorce (1989!) Just two single dates - both guys were nice gentlemen, but there was no "connection" between us. I know I've got to get back into the swim of things...but I was never one to sleep around back in the Seventies and sure am not going to start at this late stage of the game! I am trying to get up my nerve to write to someone from a "personals" newsletter that circulates around here. Surely there must be some decent men out there!

klmr13, what is the exact web site - I want to check it out, too!

Seems IMHO that men think women 'want it', or younger men surf date sites for older women who 'want it'! Well, what should matter is what we actually do want, and not what men perceive!

Mustang...here is the website: http://www.aspirenow.com/smooth_10_00_what_men_want.htm

Veddy interesting..!

klmr13,
very interesting...thanks for sharing...now to get in shape!

Yes, Jane...I don't know that I'm up to the challenge...sigh! After really not dating since my divorce, I'm very concerned about just not being attractive or in shape. And yet...my exercise bike/tapes/equipment just sit there...zero motivation!

Wow, that's a tall list and I don't cook!

Yeah, Mustang...we gals should make OUR list now!