Being Alone

Sometimes when a wife or husband has passed away and we are left alone to grow old it stinks! All the plans that were made and the times we wanted to share together make life miserable when one half the team dies. Death is bad enough but igt is just so debilitating to the survivor left behind alone and so lonely

I agree, Chatty. I don't know what I would do if my partner died. I know it will happen eventually, but hopefully not for a long time. Women seem to live longer than men do, so I suppose most of us will be alone later in life. That isn't something you can plan for, is it?

Being alone is certainly not something any of us generally put much time into thinking about, but I do think it is something about which we can and should put some (at least generic) plans into place.

At least to the point of making sure that each person in a relationship has a life insurance policy with their significant other named as beneficiary. And that we have created wills, which spell out arrangements that assure that each half of any couple, whether married or not, are financially protected in the case of the death of a partner. By that I mean, the survivor will not become homeless, at minimum.

To my way of thinking, these sorts of financial arrangements, while not something we want to think about, can be planned for. And should be.

Of course, that does not in any way take care of the devastating emotional losses we will certainly suffer. But it is planning that assures we don't have to worry about losing the comforts of our homes at a time when we are living in grief.

Maybe I am speaking too analytically; after all, I did spend a year selling life insurance and annuities. But I think all couples need to spend some time making these plans. So they can spend the rest of their time enjoying their lives.

And as I type this, I can tell you that both Steve and I need to update our wills. They were written when the children were minors. And spell out things such as who will become their guardians. as they're both in their 30s these days, anyone reading our wills today would certainly get a laugh!!

So note to self: Find time for Steve and I to review our wills, determine what we'd like changed, and make an appointment with our attorney to get it done.

I think the more important thing to be aware is to be alone and...frail. It is really important that one looks after their own health now..so we can still function and move around for awhile later.

I have a good close friend who has been a mentor to me. She is in her mid 70's. She has always been single with a long career (that's how I met her 3 decades ago --she was my supervisor), but has led an active life with many friends. She has had her share of men in her life but given what I know of her strong independent streak, she has never been in a long term relationship with a guy after her late 20's.

She recently lost over 30 lbs. from a major hip surgery and did find it difficult to do some stuff herself. She has had her own home and lived alone unafraid for most her life.

I've not lost a spouse to death, but I have lost two due to divorce. Like most single folks I know, I never planned to be single at this stage of my life. It is what it is, and for the most part I am content and have learned to deal with the loneliness that creeps in from time to time.

It is an odd spot to be in. I have no children, so any care I need in my old age I have to plan for now.

Financially it is odd too. I have always been more financially secure than the men I've been in relationships with. My SO is my beneficiary, but his daughter is his (as it should be). Since most people do have children, I will never be able to count on financial assistance from anyone else.

Orchid is so right that taking care of our health is of utmost importance. My 87 year old aunt is currently in an assisted living facility, and she cannot do much for herself. She has never taken care of her health. There are others in her facility who have a much better quality of life.

The most important issues I've learned in life, are: 1) be aware of what's going on around you at all times; 2) never take any action when you're upset; 3) be careful who you befriend; 4)always take good care of yourself; if you don't look after your own well-being, nobody else will! Just listing a few observations I'm sure you already know. Prayers and blessings...

Those are all great lessons, Jabber. And IMHO, the most important one is your #4... To me, that one's one we tend to forget, but like the airline flight attendant says, you've got to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you can effectively help anyone else.

True!

I've been "alone" since 1998 (when I divorced my now-deceased ex). I dated a bit in the beginning, and was even engaged to be married once, but became so disillusioned with the over-50 dating scene in my geographical area (where the women outnumber the men our age 4:1, and the men know--and try to exploit--it) that I haven't even bothered to look for male companionship since 2001. I also have a very demanding career, and a ridiculous commute (3 or more hours each day) which makes having a social life of any kind a challenge.

I am happily living alone at the moment, but I am still in relatively good health, and able to do (or pay someone else to do) whatever I need done. I have been temporarily knocked out of commission by various things (appendicitis, pneumonia, surgery, etc.) and those times are very challenging for me, as I have no family in the area, and my closest friend is nearly two hours away. I don't have much time for loneliness, but I do miss having someone to come home to (and do things with), and I worry about what would happen if I were incapacitated beyond my ability to invent workarounds. Thus far, I've managed, but it's a major concern, and lately the idea of a "Golden Girls" arrangement sounds more and more appealing. If I could find like-minded housemates with similar values and compatible backgrounds, I think such a plan could work really well!

If there is not such a plan then could you find out how to create a group with this concept in mind? A biggish home with facilities to have private time too.

Perhaps a ladies club who meet for a while and discuss fully each persons needs and wishes.Over time a plan could be hatched

Carol B, there is someone who joined the forum a few months ago who is a big advocate of shared housing, or co-housing, which is, I believe the official term for what you're talking about. She doesn't post often, and I can't remember her name.

But there are more and more women who want to look into this, so I'd suggest you do some online research under the topic "co-housing" to see what you can find.

Then if you still like the idea, I'd agree with Mountain Ash that you should try to pull together a group of like-minded women in your area, to pull together a plan. Let us know how it goes!

There are some legalities you need to be aware of in co-buying a home. Here's an article from the legal site nolo.com that talks a bit about it.