Would you, or wouldn't you?

Hi ladies. I’ve been here for awhile, and just registered. I’ve enjoyed sharing your lives through blogging.

I have a dilemma that really isn’t a dilemma at all. I’m just trying to analyze a situation (which I do far too much of).

Like some here, I’ve been “looking for love” for awhile now, after ending a long marriage. There have been men, but most were unavailable in one way or another when it came to being “serious.” Still hung up on the ex, dealing with kids, living at home with mom, don’t want to be tied down, you get the picture.

I have lots of my own standards at this point in the game. I date but finally decided a ways back to just enjoy my life and not try to take anything past close friendship.

Well, lo and behold a long distance situation with potential has materialized and now I’m stumped. For the first time in years I find someone who is not only totally available, but he “wants” to be available and “wants” to be able to say he is “taken” by his soulmate.

He isn’t perfect, neither am I. His money situation isn’t the best but has decent potential to rebound (and it’s not because of laziness, in case anyone wonders if he’s a gold digger. And it is very apparent to all who know me that I sometimes struggle just to be “comfortable”, let alone wealthy, and he is aware of this). That one issue has always been the death nail for me. But lately (before I even met this man),I’ve been wondering if I need to cautiously relax (or at least be willing to look at ) someone who isn’t perfect when it comes to this issue.

The other night something hit me. My dad loved and provided very well for my mother, they had a good life. And he was a job hopper. Had I met him and known about his work history, I probably wouldn’t have given him the time of day because of that. That has really given me some food for thought.

So I suppose my question to you all is – how do “you” discern and weigh such issues? Maybe there is no real answer, but I’d love to hear some thoughts on this important subject. I’m beginning to feel deep down that I could love this man and that we could make each other happy.

Queenie

Well Queenie first of all WELCOME to our happy cyber home. Personally I wouldn't touch a job hopper with a ten foot pole, especially with the economy we have now. Countless jobs aren't just out there waiting anymore and there are 50 qualified applicant for every job now since all the closing of businesses, and layoffs. An employer can pick the cream of the crop now for next to nothing, money wise. So a job hopper would be looked at last if at all. Plus there would be NO benefits either, unless you supplied them and I bet he would just LOVE to relocate to YOUR house, and YOUR car, oh my GOD, been there and did that and am still suffering the ramafications of a "loser" man!!!

He told me everything I wanted and needed to hear too. But being long distance I couldn't check him out first. I wish you well but also caution, much caution...I can't stress that enough.

Queenie...why analyze it at all? Why not let it run it's course? Maybe you could relax with the situation and just stay in the moments...I can't help but believe the answers you're looking for would come your way.

I've been divorced close to 20 years...and I guess one thing I've gathered from years of dating is I had to learn to trust ME. When I did that, the answers I would look for came easier.

Good luck. It sounds like smooth sailing....if you ask me.

If it's long distance right now, then friendship never hurts. Friendship includes less than perfect people sometimes with some big flaws we could not have in a soulmate. However a soulmate should meet some base requirements that you personally have.

There is no compelling reason/evidence until he and you live in the same city, that he is 'right' for you by being with him in person regularily for a long period of time. It doesn't mean he and you need to live under same roof. Just living in the same city would give more accurate insight in behavioural patterns than far away long-distance.

If he is a good friend, plugs away at his job in the faraway city...he won't run away. What's the hurry to have the answer for yourself now?

Thanks Chatty. I know you've been burned and that your caution is good advice. I too have had a louse, but don't think they "all" fall into that category just because some life situations aren't perfect.

JawJaw and Orchid, there is no "hurry", other than the natural progression of things. Running it's course means to me that you allow things to progress, and we have (and are) doing that. We've been talking/visiting for over 6 months now and parting at the end of visits has been hard for quite some time.

As a foreigner it's not so easy for him to just "work here." Not impossible by any means, but many hoops to jump through. I suppose we need to research and visit those issues in more detail.

I'm just thinking ahead (and aloud with the written word). If I'm feeling the desire to possibly take this further with a more serious step, I have to be sure (as much as possible anyway) that I am making a good decision. For my wellbeing, AND because I care about him and don't want to jerk him around either.

Time will tell I guess. Thank you for the insight and taking the time to reply.

Queenie

Welcome, Queenie. You mention blogs - what blog(s) do you write?

I dated for a solid 10 years, before I met Mr Right. I just jumped in and enjoyed. I kept my eyes open, but took a relationship for what it was. Sometimes I had hope it might evolve into a 50/50 relationship, sometimes I knew from the beginning it never would. But I relaxed and enjoyed the situation. For me the key was being honest with myself and with the guy I was dating.

I believe in intuition. If he feels right, he probably is. If he feels, even a tiny bit, wrong, he probably is.

Keep us posted. It sound like you and he are off to a good start.

Love the intuition piece. This usually works for me too, in all areas of life.

At this stage of the game, if you see red flags, or even pink ones, it's probably not worth it since a move is involved.

But if all arrows are green, stick with it and make the most of it.

I wonder if it would be “kosher” to ask this nice stranger if you could have some references on him. I mean if an employee can require such, then why not when seeking a partner?
You could offer to name some references yourself; such as an employer, friends, maybe a club membership. I know if someone wanted to manipulate they could,…but it might scare a con artist off as well.

It was easier in the “olden” days…when we were introduced to someone new. That was sort of a reference, wasn’t it?

Not sure why Edelweiss but when reading your post to Queenie, it made me laugh out loud. I pictured myself talking on the phone to a gentleman asking me out to dinner and my saying, "yes and bring a complete life resume."

Too funny but wouldn't that be great to get up front. And they have to use a pen to write it with, one they get severe electric shocks from each time they lie!!!!!!

You do not need to answer this Queenie, but..:

Have you spent time with him in his country/city where he lives?
Met any of his family members or friends?

Once upon a time in my 20's, there was a foreign student guy that I met at the university where he and I went. We had uh...let's say a short-lived fling. Then I got a letter a year later from Malayasia (when I hadn't heard from him nor wanted to) asking if he could live with me and help him immigrate to Canada.

I wrote back, in a polite way to him: Screw off, jerk. You just want Canadian residency.

At least he was up front.
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The big question is would he still come to the U.S. on his own and find work if he hadn't met you?

I totally agree with chatty, that unemployment situation in North America is tough right now. I am still job hunting. If he is in boomer years, the ageism barrier can be quite real for some types of jobs. Unless he has a skill in high demand internationally. (Has he ever worked in the U.S.? That might actually help.) Is he willing to do janitorial work, restaurant, farm work...ie. low-end jobs that may not pay much?

And his fingerprints!

Queenie,
Welcome to our cyber home. The gals have given you some good
advice. Do only what you feel comfortable with. Take it slow.
Enjoy dating. Enjoy friendship. But don't fall into a trap
you can't get out of. If you don't take care of yourself, no
one else will! Prayers and blessings,

Don't let yourself be sweet-talked, too much! Those silver
tongue devils are everywhere!

Yes and remember, the ones with the silverest tongues usually have the blackest hearts. I'm just saying.....

OK, wow. Yes, I've met his family, and they are nice, decent. people.

He is a very centered person and there have been no unpleasant surprises. He is very open and up front and truthful and pragmatic, yadda yadda. So none of the usual "bull" seems to apply.

We're going slow, which isn't a problem for either of us. Just maybe there ARE a few decent guys still around? What a novel thought....

:-)

Queenie

Oh. Well THEN if you met his family, that is the best reference you could find. Sounds like you met a decent guy. Wishing you all the happiness with your new friend!

Yes, there are still good guys around! Best to you.

Queenie, isn't it funny how we women run to protect? We read your query and immediately started giving you sage wisdom laced with warnings. But I'm afraid we've all drawn on our own past experiences and just wanted you to reap the advantage of hearing it all. Forewarned...and all that.

It sounds as if you have your bases covered and are very happy in the relationship. Good for you! I pray you continue down that road of happiness, indeed.

My best,

Well poo maybe theres hope for me yet. Guess I will keep an open heart and two open eyes.