the politics of forum mgmt & a comment, re: pm-ing

this is not my forum.

i must follow the dictates of this forum as it has been established.

this forum has customs.

one of the customs is uncomfortable for me.

i personally do not like pm-ing. i think it can be used for bullying and gossiping and forming cliques against other members. i know there is nothing i can do about other members pm-ing and gossiping, but i, myself, prefer to discuss things out in the open.

i am of the political belief that everything affects everyone, whether known about or not. i do not like private alliances . . . and power differentials that i am unaware of. again, i know there is nothing i can do about most of this.

if i receive a harrassing pm, my way of dealing with it is to let it be known in public. i don't think a person should be able to get away with attacking without witnesses.

i also do not like to be told what to do privately. if there are forum rules, i prefer to be pointed to specific rules that need to be revisited or whatever.

i see myself as an ethical person with integrity and i assume most others on the forum are the same. of course people are going to disagree . . . that is just human nature. and people are going to have hurt feelings. again, stuff may be going on with someone to make them super-sensitive. or someone may be having a bad day and lash out. hopefully they would come to their senses and apologize or at least get over it and move on.

the people who try to shut down topics because the topic is uncomfortable to them are out-of-line, from my perspective. if they are that uncomfortable with a subject, they can choose not to read it, instead of trying to censor people who want to discuss something.

since the beginning of time, women have been silenced and some women have internalized that abuse and act upon it. this is all unconscious (note: these are my beliefs and if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it). i am not telling anyone what to do, just what i think and what my preferences are.

if you have a problem with me, please, either ignore me or state your views to me, directly, in public in a respectful way and i will attempt to do the same.

when people can't agree, they can always agree to disagree. there is no need for such drama and acting out just because some people want to discuss political things.

the people on tv who argue endlessly don't end up in tears, taking it personally, as far as i can see. they seem to be able to keep things on a debate level and i do not know why that is not the case in forums. why can't everyone just have any old crazy idea? if you don't like it, why not debate it or ignore it? i am just curious why instead there is often some kind of censorship that we shouldn't talk about certain things. i think this is definitely a feminist issue, and i am one of those rare people who do not think feminism is a dirty word.

my passion is not in anger but i am passionate about these ideas and tend to come across strongly. i apologize to the people who are more sensitive to strong voices, but i don't feel i should have to censor my voice because it is strong.

I've received nasty PM's in the past, one in particular was just plain ugly and cruel and so completely unwarranted that it took my breath away. Fortunately, I've also received some beautiful, uplifting PM's that have literally turned my entire day and life around. There are some situations where the PM feature is good and works well, particularly when someone is uncomfortable going more into detail about a sensitive subject, but somebody else on the board has more expertise in dealing with that issue. It can be healing and enriching to take the deeper aspects of that issue into PM with that other person. Eg, issues like sexual abuse, personal health issues - some of us may feel comfortable sharing up to a point in the public forum (remember always that anyone and everyone can read the public forum), but some of us may not be able to divulge the deeper aspects of that issue except in a more intimate, safer environment, which the PM provides.

I agree, PM's should never be used to attack, ostracize, ridicule or diminish anyone in any way. Unfortunately, there are some here who do resort to that kind of cowardly, mean-spirited behaviour...but there are many of us who DO NOT, who use the PM feature to do good and to bring healing and comfort to each other.

If I recall correctly, there is a way to turn off PM in the preferences under individual profiles. Or you can filter out who can PM you and who cannot.

If you don't like PMs and don't want to use them, go into your preferences and click NO where it ask you if you want to receive them. It's that simple.

thank you. i enjoy friendly pm's, but that is a good solution. thanks for pointing it out.