Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/05/10 11:07 PM

I've kept this bottled up long enough. Everytime I think about this, it enrages me so much that I can barely breathe. So I try not to think about it. But it's Saturday night and it's on my mind. So here I am to vent.

We haven't been allowed to see our grandchildren since the middle of March. We saw them the day after we got back from being in Cuba for 8 weeks. I was tired and didn't want to go and shouldn't have gone, but had missed the grandchildren so much that I went anyway. As usual, the mother of the children was her angry, controlling, obsessive-compulsive self, making everyone around her miserable and tip-toeing in fear of setting her off. I made the fatal error of talking back to her when she yelled at me to not drop the fork on the floor while feeding my grandson. All I said (admittedly frustrated) ďI WONíTĒ, then all hell broke loose. She totally went haywire, cursing and screaming things that didnít even make sense to me, but in the midst of all of her ranting I did hear a few gems that essentially said that she hated when we came over. All of this in front of both children. I was sobbing, she was screaming, it was a nightmare of a situation.

Anyway, we havenít been allowed to visit again. Sheís not a forgiving person, so this could last forever. I CAN forgive her, and can even forgive her for perhaps not wanting ME to come and visit again, but to deny my husband the right to visit is incomprehensible. But what really enrages me is how my husbandís son can allow her to treat everyone the way she does. She doesnít allow ANYONE to visit, not my husband, his ex-wife (the real grandmother) or the childrenís aunt, not even her own family. Her parents flew all the way over from China to stay in Canada for 6 months and they were only allowed to stay at their house one night, then they left and she wonít allow them to visit anymore either.

Weíre talking about a very mentally disturbed woman here. But thatís another story, and not mine to tell. What IS my concern is that my husband may never get to see his beloved grandchildren again Ė unless we go to court. Which we donít want to do yet.

There isnít much we can do. Hubby tries to call his son at work but his son never phones back. All communication has been cut off and itís so unfair to my husband, since Iím the one who committed the dreaded faux pas. Anyway, I just had to vent, because itís really peeving me off because Saturday nights have always been the night when weíd call and make the plans to visit on Sunday with the children. I miss them terribly.
Posted by: yonuh

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/05/10 11:56 PM

Eagle, I am so sorry to hear this. You did nothing wrong, it wasn't your fault. This woman sounds like she is miserable and therefore wants to lash out at the world. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix it for you, but I can't. I can only hold you in my heart with love. ((((HUG))))
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 12:00 AM

Thank you Yonuh, I can feel your love and hugs from here and they help! I've been biting my tongue around this woman for almost 10 years now, for the sake of keeping the door open to our grandchildren. I detest the way she treats people, how she talks to her husband (hubby's son) and her children, especially her daughter (9 now). Very controlling. I think going there tired was my first mistake, because I had been having trouble holding back for awhile. When they came and spent Christmas here, she spent the entire day sulking in the kitchen, insisting her daughter do Chinese homework - on Christmas Day! We weren't happy about it, but were powerless to intervene without risking a big blow-up.

Posted by: chatty lady

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 12:42 AM

Eagle no matter what you would do or try to do she will think you wrong. She is using her children to torture you and no one can help. The children suffer, you and hubby suffer as does everyone else who cares for these kids. What would happen if you guys just dropped in, no call, no warning, no nothing. Bring and give the children gifts and at leasat if she tells you to get out you can go or not whatever you want to do. She needs to learn NO ONE gives a crap what she says. Don't play into her insanity, come and go as you please it will make her even more nuts.

Andre needs to go to his sons work near the end of day or lunchtime and have it out with him. Asking him if he is the man of the house or a big fat whipped nothing?
Just my way of dealing with the impossible and I have had good luck with it usually too. Does my DIL love me, hell no, but then she never did before either when I was doing things HER way...
People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Bless you kind heart. HUGS!
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 02:48 AM

You're right, Chatty. As Dr. Phil is always saying, we teach people how to treat us...we've allowed this woman to manipulate us (using the children as pawns) for so long, because we've been afraid of losing contact with the children. Hubby has thought of just dropping in - he can probably get away with it and they'll probably be glad to see him. Not sure if I'm ready to show up unannounced the first time, I'm a wimp and not ashamed to admit it! But maybe if he paves the way...
Posted by: Mountain Ash

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 07:32 AM

It must a puzzel for small children to not see do they make sense of you not being there..Cuba they would understand..
fact is their primary caregiver will show this behaviour often and they minds will blend this into their thinking..when they are older and can choose to visit is something to look forward to.but the seeds have to be sown now,
Its past time that your husband spoke with his son...could he write and say that he may see family counsellors to arrange visits..or could between them set up a visit?

these visits could be on neutral ground all legal and outwith the DIL 's power.For the childrens sake something..things are so bad what would a lawyer add to the unhappiness?
poor son..what a life for him.
Posted by: AvalonBlondi

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 07:34 AM

I am so sorry for your pain Eagle...but people like this woman never change...they look for reasons to hate people..and when they think they have found a reason they cling to it for dear life...My husband 's older brother's wife is the same way...she was awful to my in laws for 40 years before they passed...and I am talking about 2 of the sweetest people to ever grace this earth...she denied them access to their grandchildren for years and even refused to go to my FIL's funeral...which was so embarrassing for my poor brother in law. I know he carries so much guilt over his parents and how she treated them...and now he has to live with it because they are gone...if your stepson won't answer the phone then your husband should write him a letter and send it to his workplace ...maybe your stepson could bring the children to a place where you could just happen to run into them and perhaps share a meal without the awful wife present...I feel so sorry for you my friend...but unless your stepson stands up to her (which sounds doubtful) you may have to wait until the kids are old enough to make up their own minds to see's a sad situation...but even sadder, it's not uncommon...I have heard this story too often....Hang in my Friend...
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 01:18 PM

MA & Nancy, I constantly worry and pray for my granddaughter. We were very close. I've sent her little cards to remind her that we love her, but I actually doubt that the mother is passing the cards along. The GD would be in a tricky position. She would have been the one to comfort and calm her mother down after we left that day, and she will always do whatever it takes to keep her mother happy, or at least "contained". Very very sad (understatement). We have contemplated legal action, just to be able to be sure that our GD is safe, but want to be very sure it's necessary before we do, because we know first-hand the excruciating ripple effects that such an action could have for the rest of everyone's lives. I hope that our hesitancy doesn't have equally or worse ripple effects further down the line. It's hard to know what to do. She's not in any physical danger, but I'm sure it's not the healthiest environment for her, always having to appease her mother like that, always having to compromise her way to peaceful co-existence, and she's only 9. Her brother's 3 and is safe (boys are coddled and worshipped in the Chinese culture!).

Anyway, I have to run, hubby's calling, we're renovating our bedroom and I need to go help hold some nails, LOL. Thanks everyone!!
Posted by: Mountain Ash

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 02:25 PM

Whatever.... the little girl has a dependancy on her Mother..comforting her sad that she is in that role.
yet we have to accept the relationship both need and have.
The place we are born into is our life lesson..and so many people go on to live great lives despite to hardship...for however affluent a family may be...emotional hardship can exist
A suggestion
start a journal that one day she will have from you..make it a between you two..tell how you miss her company..tell her what you are doing..there is no need to mention her Mother..the sophisticated thinking will be in place..sadly at the loss of part of childhood joy..
in my career many children in my remit had hardship at home...almost all defended their matter what went on..its essential that they have "some" loose that for a child is loss part of themselves..
Go buy a a pretty journal Sharon...mention how you talk to us about your pride in her musical ability..and I know your writing will be beautiful...speak from that big heart you have.
Posted by: yonuh

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 02:32 PM

I think MA's suggestion is a great one. You can take comfort in knowing she will read it one day and know you cared for and loved her.
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 03:11 PM

Eagle, I'm just now seeing this for some unknown reason. How it breaks my heart to read everything. I have no tolerance for anyone who would use children as pawns. I have a word for them. Cowards.

Obviously, this woman has mental issues and unfortunately, it doesn't read as though they will ever be addressed. Because of that, you are powerless.

A letter from Hubby to the son is a great suggestion. One from the heart. Tell Hubby to let him have it. Sometimes writing can bring out the TRUTH and reading it, same thing. I encourage that step.

Also, the journal is an excellent idea. What a gift to give a child, even if it is in her teens...or older. And who better than you to tell the story of continued love for her?

My heart goes out to all concerned. Abuse in the home is never funny, or to be taken lightly. Even though the physical aspect of it isn't present, it doesn't mean it won't be in the future when this child grows into her own voice. And she will.

On the bright side, I'm sure she will recognize her mom's illness at some point and that could mean she will take steps to contact you, and see you again.

Hope, pray, and let us hold you up. We're here if you need us.
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 04:32 PM

MA, what a wonderful idea! I'm going to start right away. I love it, because there are so many things I'd like to say to her (about her and how much I love/admire her) but can't say directly to her right now. I think I have a pretty journal hidden away somewhere just waiting for such a loving purpose. Thank you!!!

JJ, hubby won't write a letter. He's still sure that eventually the son will reach out and contact us and we both want to be here for him when that happens. The son has wanted to leave long before now, but knows that if he does, there's a very good chance that he/we would never see the children again (she would most likely take them out of the country).

We're definitely speaking about an abusive environment here, but it's verbal/psychological abuse, very difficult to prove and at this point not severe enough to call in authorities. Just sad, very sad. Like everyone says, someday the children will be free and wise enough to recognize it for what it is and we just want to always be here for them when they need/want to reconnect.

Thank you again, now I'm going to go search for that journal!
Posted by: Mountain Ash

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 06:17 PM

You are a scribe and wordsmith so I know that journal will be a loving work of art..
Posted by: Anno

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 10:49 PM

I have no idea what to say, Eagle, but that I am sooooo sorry. I feel for you, hubby and for the kids. I hope she eventually understands that she needs some help and will seek it out. Thank you for sharing - I hope you feel a bit better by simply putting it out here.
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 11:03 PM

Thanks Anno, I do feel better. It was weighing so heavy on my heart. It's always beneficial to get perspective and wisdom from outside of my own head, which gets too mucked up in the emotional angst of it all. I'm excited about the journal idea and will go out tomorrow to pick a special one up (can't find the one I've got stored away here somewhere).
Posted by: chatty lady

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/06/10 11:38 PM

I agree as well, what a wonderful idea. Words between Grandma and granddaughter. Thats something no one will ever be able to take away from her.
Posted by: Edelweiss2

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/07/10 08:30 AM

I agree with chatty.

Have your husband "pave" the way. If this woman is mentally unbalanced, there is no reasoning with her. He should visit her and the children for an afternoon. Maybe he could bring her some flowers. No further words are necessary.

Then, the next visit, join your husband, and simply act like nothing happened. I know, it's a matter of swallowing your own pride, but you win in the end when you get to see your grandchildren again.

I can truly sympathise with you Eagle. Nothing can get my goat like, being treated unjustly and uncalled for. I know it takes a lot of self control to "take" it. Those children need you, if their mother is unbalanced and angry. Take this as your mission, to show the grandchildren there are other way to cope and handle conflicts. Your quiet and calm way will automatically draw them to you.

Sending you a big big hug.
Posted by: jabber

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/08/10 01:08 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this garbage. My DIL would not
let me see my granddaughter one time, while she was living in an
apartment complex I owned. She wouldn't let me take the baby shopping or anything. So I know how it hurts. These ladies have
made great suggestions. When I don't know what to do, which seems to be quite often lately, I pray; and I'm sure you do too. I'm goin' through stuff right now in which prayer is my only move! Blessings!
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/08/10 01:19 PM

Eagle, did you get a journal? I hope so because if anyone can paint an emotional and beautiful picture of life, it's you.

Jabber, I'm sorry you are, and have, experienced some of the same. We're here for you as well. Prayers going up in your name.
Posted by: AvalonBlondi

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/08/10 04:11 PM

I love MA's journal can post in it every night as if you are chatting with her while tucking her into heart aches for you Sharon..and I feel so sorry that that sweet little girl is missing out on all of your affection right now..but no one can ever take your love away from her...Keeping you in my prayers my friend....
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/09/10 12:34 AM

This is heartbreaking. Why do parents do this? The kids are always the ones to lose out. I really don't have other suggestions, but please know I'll hold this situation in prayer.
Posted by: jabber

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/09/10 10:01 PM

Thank you for your prayers.

Thank you for your prayers.

There's nothing more precious than a grandmother. Hardly a day
passes that I don't think about what my grandmother said or did.
Let's keep praying.
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/12/10 12:02 AM

Thanks again, all. I just came back home from spending the week with my aunt (a 12-hour drive away). We had such a lovely week together.

I haven't had time to get that journal, but am hoping to get out tomorrow to get it. The suggestions here are great. Edelweiss, your suggestion of hubby going alone first is great, I think he'll go for that, maybe next week for Father's Day. I don't have any problem swallowing down the whole thing and acting as if nothing happened. The problem is how it could put the granddaughter in a stressful situation if she thinks it's bothering her mom that I'm there, it won't be fun for her. She's her mother's caretaker and will do anything and everything to keep the peace and to keep her mom happy. She might be glad to see me, but won't show it if she thinks it will hurt/anger her mother.

But if hubby goes alone, we'll have a better idea of how to proceed from there.

I'm so tired. Long drive today. My head is spinning. I think I'll get offline and sit still for a few moments. LOL. I'm glad to be back.
Posted by: Anno

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/12/10 02:37 PM

Take good care of yourself, Eagle. You are strong, remember that!
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/12/10 05:42 PM

Thank you, Anno. I needed to be reminded! I'm feeling so tired these days, can't seem to recharge the batteries. I feel like one of those old wind-up clocks that's all ticked out and can't find the key to wind myself back up again. Time to just sit still and let the reservoir fill up again. I just can't seem to recuperate as quickly from these travels.

I bought the journal...fuschia pink with an elegant heart on the front. Will write the first entry later tonight.
Posted by: AvalonBlondi

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/13/10 12:11 AM

Eagle Heart,
I'm so sad that you are feeling down again..just a few weeks ago you sounded happy and hopeful...I know how much you love your granddaughter...but don't let her awful mother take you down to her level...I firmly believe if your husband establishes a realtionship with his son..separate from the wife..that things will get better..your hubby should lend his/your emotional support to his son with no guilt attached...Tell him "Son, just know that Sharon and I will always be your soft place to land, no matter what..we love you" As my Mom always said..."shower them with kindness" I want you to feel better Honey...I really do...xoxox
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/13/10 02:07 AM

Thanks Nancy. I don't think I'm as much "down" as fatigued. It's a real challenge to find enough energy to sustain me through any activity. It's difficult to figure out the "why" of that, which could be contributing more to any down feelings than any other situation. I'm sure this thing with the grandchildren is temporary, and the idea of writing to my granddaughter in the journal is perfect for this chapter of that situation.

This fatigue is ongoing and frustrating in that it's so inconsistent and difficult to map the triggers and solutions. In fact, the fatigue is so severe these days, I'm not even sure I'd be able to do very much even if we were allowed to visit.

I could wake up tomorrow totally recharged and able to leap tall buildings with a single bounce...I just don't know and can't plan anything until we know what the energy level is at any given time. Very frustrating, and yes, somewhat discouraging at times when there are things that I want to be able to do and can't.
Posted by: AvalonBlondi

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 06/13/10 05:35 AM

Fatigue is such a debilitating thing..and doctors are reluctant to really look into the underlying causes...are you still taking 3000 MGs of Vitamin D? That has helped so many of my girlfriends and me raise our energy levels..I spent a couple of months last winter unable to get out of bed or off the sofa for more than a couple of hours each day...I feel your frustration my friend...I pray you feel better and recharged very soon....
Posted by: Rose

Re: Not Allowed to See our Grandchildren - 11/29/10 02:03 AM

Eagle Heart, I am Rose and I am back after a while away. Sadly enough I have been through the same thing you're going through. was my daughter who had strings attached to her children, my grandchildren, and I would be punished by not being allowed to see them....for any infraction, imagined or otherwise. It was devastating because I helped raise between times of isolation from them. I loved and still love them as my own and things are much better. One is grown and the other is 16 so they see me pretty much when they want to. Wish you well. It will work out one way or the other...Keep the faith.