Conversation styles

Maybe this is more of an observation...

When talking with people, DH and I make it a point to ask how people are. This includes waitresses, tech support on the phone for any situation etc. They (mainly friends and family) then go into long dissertations about their current life's events. But rarely do we get people to ask US how we are doing.

It is so obvious to us. And I am very attuned to that now. Just tonight I spoke w/a friend whom I'd not seen in 12 years. Not ONCE did she say "And how are YOU doing?"

One time a friend said "We KNOW you two are fine", but that is not the point. Does no one care??

We do this with so many and rarely do we get asked. Not that we want to give a dissertations, but at least be kind enough to at least ask!!

Do you make it a point to show interest in others or do you seem to just talk about yourself? Pay attention next time and see what you come up with. You never know if someone just needs to know if others authentically care.

i always ask.....and that takes up 3/4 of the conversasion, the answere, but i also agree after 30 minets of someone else talking about themselfs without asking, i do sometimes wonder were thir manners have gone....

when exceptionalie troubled i have also launched into one and forgotten to ask, this happens once in a while and i always relise later and feel bad for it and aplogise later when i can. However with some people it is almost a constant conversasion style

i have a few frends who i will talk honestlie with so i count on them asking as i just do a summerising glossing over with the rest of aquantinses or frends...


if i am low in energy i do a sneekie thing i ask them "SO HAS ANYTHING NICE HAPPEND TO YOU LATLIE" lol it limits the type of thing they can tell me before or do not launching into a big whinge...lol i not sure if that sneekie or wise considerring its when i low in energy so can't take a lot of negative talk or complaning.

anyone any other tricks to share for when tired or low in energy?

Celtic, what a wonderful way to steer the conversation to the positive! "So has anything nice happened to you lately?" Love it! I think I'll use it on my mother!

Di, sometimes that question "How are you?" is asked as a matter of habit and no one really wants to hear your troubles. Or sometimes people just respond with a quick 'fine' to get beyond the question and on to other things.

And I do think that many people are so wrapped up in their own issues that they don't care, or think about, what's happening with others. You actually are providing them a nice service of listening - - maybe no one else has asked them and then listened like you do, so they take advantage of that opportunity.

Di, How are YOU?

Busy, DD, thanks for asking! We are working on launching a new product/idea and resources of USA-made items are slim!

Especially in a restaurant setting, when the wait staff talks about the menu, specials, DH always personalizes it to them...How are YOU doing today? That personal touch seems to bring people into reality. Try this with a phone call to JCPenney Catalog, or a call center when you need assistance in healthcare, computer etc. Bring those people to a "real" setting and they will really become much more helpful instead of being treated like an inanimate object.

A few years ago I was talking to someone who was complaining, moaning, groaning etc. I then asked "Now tell me how God has blessed you recently?". That stopped him in his tracks 'cause people choose not to see those blessings!"

This an interesting topic. I am one of those 'fine' people unless you are a close friend or relative. (And if I don't like or trust you, you'll never get more than a 'fine' from me.)

I agree with DJ: In my experience, the 'how are you?' question is more of a conversational habit than a request for anything meaningful, so I assume a quick, pleasant answer is all that's needed. To be honest, if it comes from someone I barely know I find it kind of annoying and insincere. (I am mindful of the fact that people from different parts of the US have different conversational habits and people are just being nice, but doubt that they're really interested.)

I do know some people -- one relative in particular -- who will launch into a half-hour list of complaints and grievances, so I don't call unless I'm mentally ready for the barrage. But that's just the way she is.

You raise a good point, though: if we find ourselves talking a lot and listening little, it might be time to check ourselves even if it's not in response to the 'how are you?' question.

celtic, love the little trick so you don't have to listen to whining. That's great. I often say, "So what's new?" Now I'm going to say, "So what's new that's good?"

I love it when you talk to someone and they begin the "Ain't it awful." conversation. That's what I call it, or , the "Life's a bitch" talk. Everything that happens to them is bad. My sister and I joke and say, "Please tell me when I begin acting like that." Good lord.

The problem is that when people complain to me, I tend to offer up some of my complaints too, just to go with the flow. How sick is that?

No, I just admitted that a few of my 'fines' are to people I don't feel like having a long conversation with. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to go into detail if you don't want to. I don't tell people a lot of stuff anyway because I'm kind of private that way. If people are going to know a lot about me, it's because I have told them, not because they have pried it out of me. That's just me. Other people are comfortable giving a lot of details; I'm often not. It's just me.

But truly, about 90 percent of the time I assume that the "How are you?" question in a casual social setting is supposed to be answered with "Fine. And you?" or "I've been worse. How's by you?" I honestly don't consider it to be a serious question, just a social nice thing. Maybe I'm all wet on this and have completely misread the signals.

Maybe it's geographical.......

Out here in the Southwest, people are SO KIND, especially in NM! That is what draws so many to move here! Since I am originally from NJ, I know what ya'll talk about it "not being a serious question". HERE, it is!

And I'm also talking about those who continue on about themselves and don't stop for a breath to realize "hey...let me revert this conversation away from ME for a while". It's all about being kind!

What I have experienced the most is when, say, I am having a wonderful personal life, feeling good, work is plentiful and I am just happy.
Then I ask someone, everyone actually, how are things?
They go on and on not only about their own misfortunes but then bring in friends and family's as well.

By the time I can escape their barrage of bull//it, I feel beaten down and exhausted. You know there are people I see almost daily around here that know nothing of my life and I mean NOTHING! They haven't a clue who the ex is, or what I do for a living. I keep it to myself, except when I come here purposely to share. When and if anyone asks how I am or whats new. I give short to the point, well thought out answer.

Generally when someone asks, "so how are you, whats new?" They couldn't care less, its just mindless chatter.

HONESTLY, ask yourself, how often do you really care or are you just making small talk???

I genuinely ask when I really DO care! I'm interested in hearing their answer, then have an opportunity to pray for them!

Di, you are genuine. But honestly when a stranger or someone I barely know, I simply say fine..and talk about something.

If it is someone I know as a good friend and family, I do ask how they are and hope they ask that out of me. Usually they do. My response for tough times in life, I just say could be better, but I'm alive or something to that effect. Details are reserved for time and right place.

I agree with Kathy and Dotsie. This is a great question Celtic! I bet if I asked that to some people I know, it would stop them in their tracks.

When I’m asked that question, I always say fine…no matter how I feel. I see the question as another way of saying hello, especially in America.

They don't ask that question as much in Germany. People tend to take it too literally.

the how are you thing heer being ment or not is trickie and complaceted furtheir by others personal desclusure habits.

L can be in floods of tears and I ASK HIM how he is and he says "cool how are you"...at 5 he knows its a retorical question. thats what he's picked up about the greetings we give to each other and its hi and how are you....not meaning it and a same response. We are working on the real no how are you lol especialie when he's crying.

the diffrense heer is when its about close frends or a place that allows for more seriouse chatting...then the "how you" is about how are you , reallie....

saying all that some people who are aqantinses do tell all, when its just a "conversasional hi how you" polite greeting....someone else mentioned it but i also think its about no one listening to them or thirs no other way for them to express whats going on thats hurting them.

As long as i have time i do listen regardless of what way i originalie ment the "hows you"

Around here, it is just an add on to the hello. "Hi, how are ya?"

In the past, I have been considered a great listener. Lately, I have been guilty, often, of being self-absorbed and forgetting to check in on the other person.

Thanks for the reminder.

EW, if you don't ask people how they're doing when you greet them, what do you ask? Just curious...

Dotsie, It's usally more specific if you know them. Like you ask how are your parents or children. Usually you start with the present...Like you see someone and you say,"Are you going shopping?" Or "What are you doing here?" Sometimes you just say, "It's great to see you again and say hello to everyone!" If you ask them how they are, then ... pull up a chair.

I don't know about others, but I say all sorts of things to people when I see them besides 'How are you?' The casualness or silliness of the greeting depends on the setting and on how well I know someone (and sometimes, how much of a hurry I'm in). Crowded place: "Oh, hi. I can't believe we all wound up here at once." Or, "did they send a memo telling everyone to show up at the Wal-Mart?" Beastly weather: "Hi. Oh, my gosh, the streets are flooding." General: "Hi. Great minds think alike!" "Hi, nice to see you."

If I sat and thought for awhile I could probably come up with a lot more, and yes, I do ask people how they are doing or how their weekend went if I know them well. Otherwise, probably not.

Oh, excuse the double post, please: brain fart!

Yeah, liked "How's (insert place, company etc) treating you?" Or, "What's your latest project/hobby?"