Dear Starting Over,

I sooo feel for you! What is it about some men that makes them so emotionally numb and at the same time vindictive toward their wives, the only person who loved and supported them unconditionally for so long? Maybe it's that they feel totally out of control and are trying to assert themselves by harrassing the only person they know they can get away doing it to, since they're already in the groove and have been doing it all throughout the marriage! your husband should be hung by the shorthairs!

In the meantime, are you living in the house? What about taking in a boarder to help with the rent? Or, this suggestion from a friend of mine who has already been through this: could you move out of the house and rent it for a little more than your mortgage is until it sells? Is there anyone you could move in with temporarily? (I've been thinking about this option for myself...)

Please try not to let this ruin Christmas for you forever. I know how hard it is, but close your eyes and try to imagine yourself several years down the road. This horrorfest will eventually be nothing more than a bad memory and you will be involved with creating a new and happier life for yourself. You already know that you are happier without him, and that's a good thing to be sure about. So many women don't come to that conclusion until much later down the road.

I am slowly learning from my own situation that a large portion of this is male posturing, and your husband and mine can always find a unethical attorney who is willing to draw up any kind of threatening letter that he wants you to receive. It does not mean that he is actually going to get what he wants...he is just trying to wear you down so that you will abandon the fight and give in to his demands. Mine has done exactly the same thing, and recently threatened to sue for division of property according to another state's laws that would favor him (or so he thinks). His attorney warned me that if they succeed in doing so, they will remove all previous offers off the table (which believe me, were insulting at best after 20 years of marriage)and threatened to leave me with nothing. I've done a ton a research on the web, and my lawyer has consulted with everyone she knows about this, and we are both pretty sure that this cannot happen, because if it actually did - it would overturn every divorce case in this state for the last 20 or 30 years and set a new precedent. I think that this is just another intimidation technique so I called his bluff. I am not a poker player but it is never too late to learn. And if by chance they manage to overturn the law, I will deal with it when and if it happens. I've got enough real trouble to worry about without that now, like how to pay for heat and food, and deal with angry teenaged boys who don't know how to deal with their feelings towards a father who refuses to support them, is flaunting lovers in front of them, and has lost all semblance of humanity.