I am dating an old boyfriend from my youth. We reconnected three years ago and have been dating long distance for a year now. When we were younger my parents would not let him come near my house and nagged me non-stop to break up with him. They said they would dis-own me if I didn't so eventually I did break up with him and they were pleased as punch. He was the sweetest person and they never knew it. After all these years he has not changed. I was married to an abuser and dated many other guys and he is by far the best. He is supportive, generous, loving and kind and would do anything for anyone.
I did not tell my mother we reconnected as I was sure she would have the same reaction as back then, I was right.
It was my 50th birthday yesterday. My mom planned a wonderful surprise birthday party for me. It was great. When she came over last night she saw a bouquet of roses on the table and asked my daughter who they were from. I was out walking the dog. My daughter said a friend and my Mom asked what is his name. I think someone at my party let the cat out to the bag. Anyway my Mom said to my daughter, not that dark guy, eeewwwwh, I can't stand the sight of him.
My daughter did not know what to say so said nothing. She could not believe my Mom would say something so rude and nasty and told me about it when I got home. My mother has never met this guy. She is totally judging him by the colour of his skin. He is of a mixed race. I have taught my children to accept all races and they do. They have variety of friends from all nationalities and races and can't stand racism.
My problem. My Mom said nothing to me, but she knew that my daughter would tell me what she said. She knew it would upset me and it did. I know I should just forget it as it is her problem but I'm really hurt that she would say such a thing to my daughter. Can't she see that it makes her look bad. It has brought up all the old hurt feelings from my past. I was so embarrassed when I was dating him back then. His parents accepted me and I was over at his house all the time but he could never come to my house or even go on the property. I totally understand that my mother is old school and back then it wasn't as accepted as it is today. What I'm most upset about is that she doesn't keep her opinions to herself. What should I do, confront her, or forget it?
Advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
Katebc

Oh gosh, don't you wish everyone would just get over it? This perpetuation of color issues is so sad. I wanted to date a mexican boy during high school, but my mom wouldn't even let me go to watch his baseball game. Yet she did let me date a white guy - who happened to only want sex. The mexican guy was polite and respectful, but she wouldn't allow herself the opportunity to find that out.

I wish you the best, Kate. Tell your mom how nice this guys is, and that he IS a part of your life. If your mom wants to see more of you, she ought to include him as well. Maybe if she gets to know him better, she'll be a little more tolerant.

And let your boyfriend know how she feels. It's still common enough that he shouldn't be shocked, and that will take away some of the awkwardness when (if) they meet. He has to know what to expect.

Hang in there!
Kathy

I wouldn't waste one minute confronting her. She isn't going to change unless she wants to. I'd ignore her and be sure she knows you're seeing this man no matter what she thinks. What's she going to do, ground you?

I hate racism and that's because both of my parents were from the south and said such awful things about the blacks. Nothing to back what they said, just that they were different. They wore sunglasses at night on the bus (at the back of the bus I'm sure) and this made them horrible. I'm glad it never made any sense to me and that I don't feel the same way. It's pure ignorance.

All I can say is stick to your guns. And as Dianne said, what is your Mom going to do, ground you?
Be glad you aren't confined to "obeying" your mother. It's your life.
I would confront my mother and very firmly forbid her to ever say anything negative to my daughter or anyone else, about any person I choose to go out with. If she doesn't comply, then I would keep my distance from her.
She'll have to keep her thoughts to herself if she doesn't want to lose you. It might be tough, but be firm, and don't allow her to draw you into a discussion about it.
Our son married a black girl from Texas. We all love her dearly. She has brought a light into our lives like no one else ever could.
Hannelore

Hi, Kate: I'd have to agree with Hannelore on all counts. Be firm with your mother. You have to strongly express that she is wrong by all counts to judge this man by the colour of his skin. She may be your mother but, you have to go by your own sense of rights and wrongs. You have missed the first chance with this man earlier on in life. Who knows what second chances have in store for the both of you this time? Don't let anyone's prejudices stand in your way the second time around. Go for it!

Oh Kate, you are a grown woman who has no reason to care what your mother says anymore. Teach your daughter to look beyond the color of a persons skin and you see whoever you want to see. The women here know the relationship between my own mother and myself but no matter how much I love her and vice versa we both know that our choices are just that OURS, and we respect one another enough to understand that. If I were in love with someone who made me happy and she didn't approve, tough!! Because, love me, love mine...

Life is too short to let other people steal your joy! Embrace this amazing second chance that life has given you -it's no accident that he's back in your life.

You're 50 years old, stand strong against this crap and remember that you KNOW what you know - stay true to the truth and to YOURSELF!

Thanks everyone. No one shares my mothers opinion. My kids have met him and really like him. He has been coaching his kids baseball teams since they were both five, and they are now 17 and he still does. Spends the entire season, all his evenings and weekends with his kids and the other kids on the teams. He is great with kids and mine think he is really funny and nice. I have raised them not to see colour and to embrace differences. My daughter was shocked and didn't know what to say. I did tell her all about my teen years and how my parents reacted. When we met up again by accident (and I agree there are no accidents) I told my Dad about it. We have a great relationship and talk about everything. He was not too thrilled at first but after talking about it more than once he actually apologized to me. He said he doesn't like the idea and he realizes that is wrong. He said my happiness is all that he cares about. All my friends think my Mom is really out of line. The interesting thing is my Mom doesn't like many people. She can't stand my Dad's friends, and puts them down all the time. Some of them are not allowed to come to their house even though my Dad pays the rent. She doesn't like my brothers wife because she is 11 years older so she isn't good enough for him. They have been happily married for 25 years and my Mom is still rude to her when they visit which is rare. They live in the US and haven't visited for three years and I don't blame them. She dis-owned my uncle, her brother. There are many more examples. She ironically loves Oprah, go figure. I know it's her problem but it still bugs me. I'm working on letting go of any anger I feel towards her as she will never change. Although I don't agree with her, she is entitled to her opinions even though they go against all of my values. I don't think I am going to say anything to her because it won't make a bit of difference and it will just upset me. I won't hide the fact that we are dating though. It's really sad that there are people like her that are so judgmental. She goes to church every Sunday but I don't think she listens to the message or the messenger. The real sad part is that she alienates people and doesn't really have any friends. She goes to senior centres but no one invites her to their house or out for coffee. They can see what she is like in a few minutes because she talks about people behind their backs. Always saying stuff like their fat, or how can they wear those sloppy clothes etc. When I was growing up she was always telling me certain sayings. One of them was "If you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all". That stuck in my head and I live by it. Too bad she didn't take her own advice. She had some good sayings but doesn't live by them herself. Anyway, I could go on and on.
Accepting doesn't mean agreeing. I need to learn to accept and let go. That is my lesson for this week and I shall continue to work on it.
Thanks again for all your kind words.
Katebc

I think the best thing that could happen would be for her to end up in his company so she can realize how her ignorance has robbed her of knowing so many other beautiful people.

I wuoldn't make an issue of it, but I also wouldn't keep them from one another's company. Your boyfriend is a big boy and could certainly handle anything she might say in front of him. But I have a sneaking suspicion that she would be kind to him.

You also have to remember that this is a generational thing. It's hard for us to understand this (I really can't)but life is lived differently now than it was when the Greatest Generation was raised.

My niece is married to an African American and he is one of my absolute favorite people.

I also have two Korean children who happen to be at the very top of my list!

In my own family we are almost all Italian, or at least part, we live their customs and enjoy the foods. On mothers side my Italian Gran, her mother, married a Syrian boy then got divorced and remarried an Italian boy. Mom married a Lithuanian boy, my Aunt, her sister married a Spanish boy. So we were all pretty mixed up when it came to nationalities. I taught my sons never to JUDGE anyone, to accept all people for 'how' they are, not 'what' they are.