I wrote about my son in a post quite a while ago. He has been in jail now for just under a year. He gets out middle of November. My son was arrested for a couple of break and enters. He is/was a drug addict addicted to crack cocaine. He has been addicted to drugs heavily since age 15. I have two other children 13 and 14 (they are good kids), my eldest is 22. I am a single parent and have been divorced for 10 years.
Here is my problem. I kicked my son out of the house when he was 18. I did everything I could to help him but my other two were suffering from the chaos in our house. I was emotionally drained. I had to call the police many times (neighbors also called) because he was out of control and I could not reason with him. Off and on since he was 18 he kept coming home and would refuse to leave. I would give him more and more chances but he did not change. The year before last the police were constantly at my house taking him away. It was a horrible time. My two children at home were of course tramatized especially my youngest the 13 year old as he experienced abuse from my son. My eldest was abused by his Dad and had alot of anger and emotional issues that he dealt with by getting high instead of getting help.
When he gets out he wants to come to my house for a week to get ready for a treatment centre he is attending. He does not know where I live. Just before he got arrested the last time I moved and would not tell him where I was living on the advice of the police. My son says he needs to come home to get proper ID, he lost all his plus see a dentist (he is in need of two root canals) He says he will only be staying for a week and then will be going to the treatment centre in another city. My kids don't really want him to stay here. My daughter doesn't mind for a week but my son wants to stay with his father and I don't blame him. My eldest son has no where to go when he gets out. He can't stay with his Dad because his Dad has basically disowned him, and he doesn't want to. His friends are all drug addicts so he doesn't want to stay with them, too dangerous. He has done his time, says he has learned his lesson, wants to go to treatment and then go back to school. I don't want to tell him he can't stay here because he has had a really hard time in jail (was assaulted many times) and he should be given a chance. We all deserve another chance and I want to be supportive but not enabling which I was before. In the past he has said many times that he is going to change but when I let him come home, it would fall apart very quickly. I am at a loss as to what to do. I want to set some boundaries with my son before he gets out but don't want to treat him like I did before. After all it has been a year and he seems to have matured alot while in jail. I hope he has changed but if he hasn't and he won't leave my house when I want him to the situation could quickly turn into the way it was a year ago.
I believe that you should forgive and forget but.... If it was just me I would not be so concerned, but I have my other children to think about. If it were you, would you give him another chance? He says he is excited about treatment and getting out of jail and can't wait to start his life.
I'm really torn and could use some feedback.
thanks,
Katebc

Hi, Kate: Would the treatment be a condition to your son's release? Perhaps you could speak to officials at the prison and the treatment centre with regards to halfway homes wherein he could stay in the meantime. As your son would technically be classified as of "non-fixed abode" if he has no place to go to after release, it might also be helpful to seek advice from homeless shelters or institutions of that ilk. I pray that all goes well.

Hi, Kate: Here's a link to Daytop International. Although they are NY-based, they seem to have facilities in Canada as well. www.daytop.org

Kate, I would also like to know the answer to Lola's question because if he must get into rehad to stay out of jail, then he would have to leave your home in a week, right? Has that been mandated by the court system?

My heart aches for you as a mom who wants to do what is best for her child. I am praying for all of you.

I'll be back after you answer because that ha a lot to do with whether or not you should let him live there.

Also, if he does have to go to rehab, can't you speak with someone and recommend he go directly to treatment?

Kate,

What a difficult situation. I can honestly say I don't know what I would do. I understand that you love all of your children and want what's best for them and I understand the conflict.

My best advice is to Pray and listen to your heart. Although neither or the solutions is 'good' or 'easy', one of them will feel better to you. That is the one to do.

Or maybe there's a 3rd option. Could you possibly get a room somewhere for the week for you and your son to spend some alone time and get reaquainted without your other children being there and without your son coming to your home? Just a thought.

Listen to your heart...you'll know the best thing to do.

I was thinking what Jane suggested...get him a room somewhere and meet him on that nuetral ground. The main problem I see is he hasn't proven himself but then, he hasn't had the opportunity to this time either. And, I know you're worried that if you don't help, he might have no place to go and end up with his old friends out of desperation.

What about a church? Maybe they have someone who has been trained in this area that would be willing to take him in for this week.

You poor thing. This must be so confusing for you.

Thank you everyone. I think I am going to talk to the jail and see if I can make contact with the drug and alcohol counsellor at the facility. Usually they don't allow that so I may not get anywhere. My other thought is to contact our old counsellor and discuss some options with him. He may be able to contact the jail on my behalf because he is a professional. Because my son has done his time and will not be on parole when he gets out they cannot make him do anything. It is totally up to him whether he goes for treatment etc. That is the problem. If he comes to my house I won't be able to get him out. Don't know if you've heard much about unwanted guests but if you let someone live at your house even without paying rent they can stay put. It takes months to get them out and you have to go through the court system. Be careful who you help. Anyway your ideas are helpful. I will even look into renting him a place for the week although that will be expensive in the city I live in.
Will keep you posted.
Katebc

Kate,

Sounds like you're thinking things through. I know you will make the right decision.

Kate,
I have nothing to offer that the ladies here have not covered. But I will be adding all of you to my prayer list. I wish for you the best possible outcome and I do totally understand. I have two boys and you NEVER stop loving or helping your children.

JJ